Monday, June 07, 2010

Witz Pickz: The List Method

I woke up rested, motivated, and ready to feel good about myself via the age old List Method. The method? Step 1: Make a list. Doesn't matter what's on there, just make it; pay bills, buy toothpaste, reply to emails, eat lunch, whatever-- doesn't matter. The important thing is to have a list. Step 2: Check stuff off that list. The sheer act of checking stuff off or crossing things out (my personal favorite) at the very least creates the illusion of progress and accomplishment. When you're able to take a look at your list of crossed off items, it's way easier to lie in bed watching an entire season of Friday Night Lights on netflix without feeling like Coach Taylor is going to give you one of his stern looks. Trust me.

So I made my list and began crossing things off as I defeated them. "Cancel membership before they charge me." Check. That one was harder than you'd think-- you actually have to call and talk to a person to cancel, which means they have the opportunity to attempt to keep you from canceling. Plus, guess which people they have on the lines? Yeah, not the Most English Speaking Award winners. So it was a bit of a struggle:

LADY: Why you want cancel membership?
ME: Because my trial is almost over and I don't want to pay.
LADY: Ahhhh...and why you sign up?
ME: Because I wanted to find out my credit score without having to pay to find out my credit score.
LADY: Ahhhh...would you interested half price membership just $7.95 a month? Is good deal.

I looked at my list and "Get good deal on credit report membership" wasn't on it so, "I appreciate it, but that's just not something I need in my life right now." She said thank you, I said thank you, click, click, BOOM-- crossed off the list.

I then sent out a writing sample and resume, crossed that off, called to find better health insurance, crossed that off, and then canceled my gamefly membership, at which point it occurred to me that I'm in a very "free trial" period of my life. Next up: buy sneakers.

I've been looking for sneakers for the last six months and was finally shown a pair I like online yesterday. One store in Brooklyn carries them and that store is fairly close to me, so it was game on with today being List Day and all. Up, done with the gym, list items crossed off, and showered by noon, I had achieved more in a morning than most people, ten minutes, which is about the ratio I'm going for these days. Time to get shoes.

The new B.O.B. album bumping through my headphones, old ratty sneakers on my feet, credit card in my pocket and terrific credit score in my mind, I walked up to the shoe store and froze. The metal grating was shut. The store was closed. They must have gone out of business, I thought, because it's Monday, but no, the hours said otherwise. "Monday - Closed." MONDAY? CLOSED? BUT...IT'S...MONDAY! Nothing should be closed on Monday!

"A lot of retail is closed Monday, actually," my friend C-Murder informed me. Wha...? Why? How come?? Monday is the beginning of the week, a day for achievement, for getting things done, for buying things that need to be bought. If you had a shitty Monday, shouldn't stores be open so you can fill your empty life void and angry work day fury with material purchases? TUESDAY. Now, THERE'S a day stores can be closed. Nobody buys stuff on a Tuesday, they just want to go home and hangout after work. Nobody has ever even done anything of use on a Tuesday. Tuesday is the unobtrusive bridge between the beginning of the week and the middle of the week, when thoughts of the weekend start to sneak into your mind. Nobody has ever taken Tuesday off for a vacation day. People use sick days on Tuesday because they know they won't be missed. Look at God. What'd he do on Tuesday? Oh yeah, he created, "an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." That's the all-powerful equivalent of selecting your desktop background. On Wednesday God made land. What'd God do on Monday again? Oh yeah, he created FUCKING LIGHT.

Doesn't the shoe store know what happens when I'm on a list mission and I get foiled? This is what happens-- I show up back home with these items instead of shoes: a baguette, drunken goat cheese, guacamole, chips, a pint of locally made chocolate ice-cream, and a six pack of vanilla bean brown ale. Yes, I'm awesome, but that doesn't mean I look any less like Kenan Thompson on pay day.*
On an equally awesome, and incredibly dangerous note, last night I learned that they deliver unmelted milkshakes to my apartment, so...I've got about four months to live.

With all the deliciousness I could ask for, I took a look at my list: "Work on screenplay, work on resume, look for jobs." Picking up my pen, I quickly added one more item to the list, "Post on blog." Cross one more off the list.

Lisztomania Is Kinda How Witz Pickz Would Spell Listz and Also the Term Refers to How Crazy Franz Listz Fans Got When They Saw Him Play Piano Which Is Awesome; Also Witzomania Refers to the Frenetic Craziness People Get When They Read Witz Pickz Live,

*I suppressed a "Gabourey Sidibe on pay day" reference, but only because I knew I'd sneak it in here...that's ALMOST personal growth, right? Here she is dressed for her next role as The Town Fair Tire Mascot:

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