Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Witz Flickz: Leap Year

After a very positive response to my post on The Time Traveler's Wife, and with no other great ideas coming to mind, I decided I'd take another one for the team and watch Leap Year. (Also, this new series of posts gives me an amazing excuse to watch movies that I would otherwise be mocked mercilessly for watching alone).

Aside from some vague hearsay, I know very little about this romantic comedy, except for the incredibly unfathomable fact that in Ireland, women can propose to men on a leap year-- an idea almost as rife with potential as time traveling fetuses. So, let me tell you what the Netflix summary has given me:

"Anna (Amy Adams i.e. Pam 2.0) chooses February 29 to propose marriage to her "perfect" boyfriend (oo, quotational foreshadowing...), Jeremy (Adam Scott i.e. That Dude From Everything), sure he'll accept because of an Irish custom (Really?? Is that how life works? You're gonna mistletoe this dude into marriage?). But after meeting charming innkeeper Declan en route to Dublin (that's all it takes, ladies?), Anna must evaluate her original plans. Anand Tucker directs this charming romantic comedy (yikes) about finding what one really wants in the most unexpected places (way to ruin the ending). John Lithgow (fresh off being creepy as fuck in Dexter) co-stars." reason not to watch this movie, so let's get things started:

1 min: I've never disliked any movie that starts with a shot of feet walking in high heels.

2 min: No, but seriously, do you think Jenna Fischer is pissed that a very slightly more prominent actress is taking every role she would otherwise get? It's the reason why Tobey Maguire isn't in movies now that Jake Gyllenhaal exists (except for that movie, Brothers, where Jake Gyllenhaal steals Tobey's life in the most flagrantly allegorical film since The Wizard of Oz). You know Tobey woulda sent eighty Sea Biscuits to the glue factory to play the Prince of Persia.*

4 min: Ok, let's recap. In a very short amount of time, Amy Adams' character has said: "I transform ordinary spaces into something special. Most people don't know what it is they want until I show it to them," as well as, "There's just a very fine line between elegant and dowdy," and, "You know I don't like surprises." We get it, Leap Year, she's uptight. Please stop.

6 min: I was hoping I could get over John Lithgow's part in Dexter, but Amy Adams needs to start running before she wakes up spooning naked in a bathtub.

8 min: You guys aren't gonna fucking believe who got diamond earrings instead of an engagement ring at dinner! They made this guy so clueless that I'm pretty sure his next move is going to be to open a fridge and start talking about how blue the Coors Light cans are through the cardboard window in the package. Regardless, he's off to Dublin for work.

10 min: "In Ireland, there's a tradition that in a leap year, a woman can propose to a man...once every four years." The other 1459 days, she can cook in the kitchen, care to children, and have sex with her boyfriend, as long as she finds it joyless and routine. Is this really our premise, movie??

11 min: The captain says they might experience some turbulence. They experience turbulence and everyone freaks out. Guys...he JUST said there was going to be turbulence. Keep up. Anyway, the plane is diverted to Wales instead of Dublin. Oh yeah, Anna's going to Dublin by the way...context clues, people, don't make me narrate everything.

14 min: Anna is pissed that the weather is so bad they had to shut down all flights and all ferries to Dublin from Wales. Logically, she hops on a tiny fishing boat to take her, which doesn't work out. I'm guessing this is part of the reason why her boyfriend isn't gonna marry her. The boat drops her off in a place called either Dingle, Tinkle, or Pringles. Are-- are Pringles imported from Ireland?

19 min: Anna is a bitchy city girl who condescends the country and can't deal with not having five star accomodations and treatment...was this originally the script for Sex and the City 2?

23 min: If you've seen Amy Adams in her underwear, does that mean you've seen Jenna Fischer in her's?

25 min: She's driving to Dublin with the local innkeeper, Declan. He's an ass, she's a bitch, and I hate them both. Eeeeeeee, I hope they fall in love!

26 min: People in Ireland don't actually listen to Flogging Molly, do they? That's like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see...

34 min: There are no words for the last eight excruciating minutes. Forced, painful "banter," followed by a scene with cows and cow flop, followed by losing the car in a lake, followed by Amy Adams losing her expensive luggage to a sketchy dude in a rape van (in Ireland, rape vans are blue!). I think it's important to say right now that I legitimately enjoyed The Notebook, Serendipity, Love Actually, and Definitely Maybe. This is just a really bad chick flick.

38 min: Oh christ, they're bonding. It's like watching porcupines mate.

46 min: Now, they have to pretend to be married so that they can stay at the distinctly overly conservative B&B together. Didn't Sandra Bullock make this movie right before she won an oscar? That sounds too fake to be true...

53 min: Montage of the two cooking a meal together. "You surprised me-- you keep doing that," Anna says to Declan who seems a lot more at ease now that Anna's back in the kitchen. I just figured out how this movie ends-- I kill myself.

56 min: Apparently, if you eat dinner at a bed and breakfast in Ireland, you have to make out in front of the hosts. "You're among friends-- you're young, married, in love, anyone can see that!" (Nope) "Dammit man, KISS DE GIRL!" Sebastian the crab is rolling over in his grave with copyright infringement. That's right-- in my head, Sebastian is dead.

65 min: I just went to find an embarassing movie that Amy Adams has been in that I could reference, but it turns out that THIS is the worst movie she's done. She's actually had an incredibly solid career. The most embarassing movie she was in was Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny and she's credited as "Gorgeous Woman" so that's a win. Did you know that Amy Adams and Jenna Fischer were both born in 1974?

70 min: Anna goes in to kiss Declan and promptly throws up instead. So unoriginal. I like to do the opposite: make like I'm gonna throw up and then kiss someone. Instead of the cliche, it creates surprise, confusion, possible enjoyment OR disgust, and there's an element of danger throughout the entire act.

75 min: There's absolutely no reason for these two to be into each other except for a physical attraction. Once she bangs that accent into normality, she's just gonna be with a broke, generically attractive, standoffish, emotionally repressed, innkeeper. There's also NOTHING wrong with her boyfriend EXCEPT that he hasn't proposed to her. Millions of people die every day around the world-- why not these two??

76 min: P.S. Declan loved some girl and she cheated on him. That's why he's a constant arsehole...except when he makes his face go blank and his eyes go wide and shine a little and he says something really know, when he wants to get laid.

81 min: Anna and Jeremy (her boyfriend) finally meet up in Dublin, it's awkward, blah blah blah. Here's the "twist": JEREMY proposes to ANNA! WHAAAAT?? ON LEAP DAY in IRELAND?? Can he even do that?? Can guys ask girls to the Sadie Hawkins Dance if they feel like it? Isn't it kinda sexist of Jeremy to propose to Anna on the ONE DAY every FOUR YEARS that women are "allowed" to propose to men!? AND WHERE THE HELL IS THE "PRETENDING TO BE HAPPILY ENGAGED AND WEDDING PLANNING WHILE SECRETLY, BUT FLAGRANTLY, MISSING DECLAN MONTAGE??"

82 min: Oh, here it is.

85 min: Ohhhhh snap! Jeremy only bought her the ring because the dream condo people (meaning their dream condo-- the condo people are entirely real) made it clear that if they would only get the place if they were married. I love when movies throw a wrench into things by having Guy-Say-One-Piece-of-Information-Guy-Blatantly-Should-Know-Not-to-Say. This probably isn't worth them talking just to fly off to Ireland and marry that random guy. So passive-aggressive.

90 min: There's only so many times you can use the word "proposal" ironically in one speech and Anna has passed that number. She concludes with the line, "Do you want to not make plans with me?" at which point Declan walks straight out of the room without saying a word (which is the proper response to someone who says that).

95 min: Don't worry guys, he just went to go get his grandma's claddagh ring. That lack of communication and his inability to express emotion are only going to be more enjoyable for her as time goes on. He rejects her proposal and WANTS to make plans with her (see what he did there?). They get married, start to drive away, and promptly reference the first 90% of the movie when they didn't like each other. It can't be good to get married when you're only in the "flirtatiously referencing how we met" stage of a relationship. I'm guessing 8-12 months down the road, she's gonna be wishing he time-traveled, and he's going to be freaking out that her fetuses haven't.

Jenna Fischer Dodged A Bullet,

P.S. What the hell happened to John Lithgow? He had maybe 30 seconds of screentime. Why was he in this movie?

*Tobey Maguire actually racked up a quite solid child resume: Wild and Crazy Kids, Blossom, Roseanne, The Wizard (the movie), Tales From the Whoop (!!!), and Eerie, Indiana-- did anyone watch Eerie, Indiana besides me and my sister?


Unknown said...

note to self: "live" blogs are very good but far more humorus having seen the movie my self

now I am going to have to watch leap year


Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed everything you've written, but feel free to do more of these movie "summaries." The make me laugh (in a good way) a lot.

John (aka The Critic Wannabe)

IrishGal said...

I saw but didn't hear this movie on a recent flight. Didn't think I'd need the sound to get the point, and it looks like I was correct.

BTW, Dingle is a peninsula on the WEST side of Ireland. Wales is EAST of Ireland. F'd-up geography should have been your immediate red flag to stop watching.