Witz DOESN'T Pick: That Sprint Commercial

I've kinda had it with the Sprint Commercial-- you know the one. It's the one where the guy is talking over the scene of glow stick lights in a park with people. And he says, "What did you dream about when you were a kid? Was it to go into space? Maybe you wanted to fly?" and then he drops the bomb, "Or maybe you dreamed of a magical glowing device that could store all of your music, photos, and email, along with making phone calls, while fitting into your pocket."

NO! Sorry, Sprint, but you went too far. Nothing against your products, but NOBODY in the EFFING UNIVERSE dreamt of that as a child and you should know better. First of all, when most people who can afford the phone were children, they didn't have mp3's, digital photos, cell phones, or email and NOBODY was dreaming of those capabilities, let alone some device that could mobilize and consolildate all of those things in your pocket. Secondly, THAT'S SUPER LAME AND DESTROYS AND DEMEANS THE IDEA OF DREAMS. People dream about being able to do things like YES, go to space, or YES, fly, or make movies, or build skyscrapers, or invent everlating candies (but not the gobstopper due to copyrights already in place). THEY DON'T dream of organizers and phones. What baffles me is that anyone at spring thought that the flow of the commercial didn't sound inadvertently hilarious. It's only slightly better than saying, "Maybe you dreamt of space, or flying, or maybe of a hybrid chimpanzee/zebra that could run for hours and swing from branches, averting all obstacles while still encompassing the sense and spirit of fun that chimps exhibit while throwing their feces." Only slightly better. I've seen the commercial too many times, and Sprint needs to do something to change-- they do have a great 7pm cell phone free minutes policy though-- so check that out.

Witz DOES Pick!:

Suave Shampoo: Ya know, I bought Suave for it's low low prices, and I might have even mentioned it before as a good cheap alternative for shampoo. But, it was only recently that I decided that I do, in fact, feel more suave after using it. I mean, after showering with suave, I towel off with just a little more shake in my hips and confidence in my eyes. When I look down and see my suave collection of excess hair gathering in the drain, I almost chuckle with the knowledge that I have just suaved myself and lessened other men in the eyes of the ladies of the world. Sometimes I feel almost too suave-- like when the two-in-one shampoo conditioner makes it so easy for me to take showers quickly that I'm able to ignore the fact that neither the conditioner nor the shampoo actually seem to be having any effect whatsoever on my hair. But hey-- fast showers are suave. It's like, "OMG-- he showered so fast, he must be really dextrous to wash that quickly-- do you think he has less body fat than other guys who take longer to shower due to the amount of body fat they have to wash?" Knowing I shower with Suave gives me that extra something in my stride that I think is noticeable, if only subconsciously. And for 2 dollars a bottle-- that's a great value.

Survivor Blog Avid Reader/Enemy: I'm apparently developing a hate-hate relationship with one of my tvfodder.com/survivor readers. This person seems to loath me and everything I write, but reads on a weekly basis for the last two seasons. What's baffling is that their primary function seems to be to correct me and point out things I missed or forgot. Recently, their function has been to hate on my jokes and ideas by not recognizing them as ideas. It's astounding. It's like if one of you commented that Suave shampoo is not actually that good and hair in a drain ISN'T actually sexy. Oh-- thanks. It's as though the entire concept of misinterpreting things amusingly or for the sake of a joke and the idea of taking what material is available and using it for humor is completely foreign to this person. I don't know what to make of it, but they keep on reading, so I'm pretty excited. Here's a clip:

Me:

The next thing we learn is that Leslie is going to do her damnest to fulfil my dislike for her. Leslie is the Christian Talk Show Radio Host in South Carolina. Here’s the quote of the night after she turns and WALKS OUT OF THE TEMPLE because she feels uncomfortable: “I’m not a religious person, but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” ….….((whisper)) Leslie…baby…got news for you—you ARE a religious person, and it’s ok to admit it.…I mean, COME ON! I’m not a religious person, I just have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Are we thinking about the same Jesus Christ or does she know another because as far as I know, Jesus Christ exists as a spiritual being and not some dude on the corner of Main St and MLK, Jr. Blvd. That’s like saying, “I’m not a baseball player, I just play first base for the Dodgers and get paid for it 162 games a year.” I HOPE she is a religious person, otherwise there’s a propped up corpse lying around Leslie’s home that she chats with and shares her popcorn with Weekend At Bernie’s style.

I also mentioned that one of the tribes had a "dope shelter"

Arch-Nemesis:

Maybe Leslie's meaning was "I'm not a religions fanatic but..."
o-----------
DOPE shelter?
o----------

Anyway, I think this is gonna be a lot of fun in the coming weeks, and while I realie that example wasn't the grandest of differing opinions, there's some more backstory and just take it as one example in a long line of corrections and grievances.

So that's all for this week. Check back on Monday when I will hopefully have the wherewithall to keep the streak of posts alive-- either way, I got to use wherewithall (probably incorrectly) and am excited for that-- so why don't you get excited for me? Keep checkin the podcast link on the right as I will keep adding radio broadcasts with punk, hip-hop, and indie tunes, along with the glory of radio banter. Plus, then you can read these posts with my voice in your head, like Grey's Anatomy only better, The Wonder Years only worse, or How I Met Your Mother of equal quality.

Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Especially When It's Yourself-- Example: Hey Baby, You Want Some of This Bitch? This Ho? I'll Do Whatever I Tell Myself To Do-- Shampoo? Cell Phone Ads? Cinnamon? He's A Pop Culture Slut...I Am...),
Witz

Witz Pickz: Favorite Way To Spend A Rainy Day & More!

Filling out an application for the upcoming KZSU Radio Quarter, I came across the question: What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day. That got me thinking, and then it got me writing, and then it got me sad...and then happy...and then confused...and then I vomited (unrelated(?)). Anyway, I thought it was a good question, so here's my answer. What's yours?

What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day? Asking "What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day?" is like asking, "When you're on the moon, what's your favorite sipping brandy?" I'm never gonna be on the moon, and it never freakin' rains in California! Coming down here from Seattle, I need me a little bit of cloud cover occasionally. A drizzle, perhaps-- rain would be a baby miracle. And I've heard that "it rains after Halloween," or whatever, but I mean RAIN-- not God's Piss Shiver, but RAIN. The kind that lets you lie inside all day in your boxers watching Hitch and eating Soft Batch cookies like Trail Mix, because there's no chance anyone is coming over to see you and there's no chance you're leaving the apartment. So yeah, what's my favorite way to spend a rainy day? Apparently slovenly, for one. Watching the superbly non-threatening Will Smith for two. And if I'm lucky, with some tasty baked goods and-- if the fates are with me-- with those Claussen Pickle Halves that only come in the refrigerator section and cost like five dollars a jar, but are toooootally worth it (you know what I'm talkin' bout). That is, if it every rained here. I might as well be shopping for sipping brandies.

Undeclared: Judd Apatow created and wrote Freaks & Geeks along with The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and yes, Heavyweights. He's produced a ridiculous amount of funny stuff including Superbad and now you know who he and Seth Rogen (star of Knocked Up) are. SO, it is totally worth going back and getting the three DVD set of the single season critically loved tv show Undeclared. Undeclared is essentially Freaks and Geeks set in college, only everyone's a little more well adjusted. It's very well done and hits a bunch of key points and subtleties that we probably all experienced in college. When I first saw the show, I was in it for Jason Segul (of Freaks and Geeks, Slackers and now How I Met Your Mother), and the cameos. It was kinda funny. But going back now and watching, once I already know that Seth Rogen is funny, the show is suddenly way funnier. Rogen (wrote Superbad and was one of the cops in it), wrote and acted in the series, and his rants, along with the unaired footage of his rants, are incredible. It makes the other characters more funny too somehow, and some hilarious cameos by Will Farrell and Adam Sandler (as well as Ben Stiller) are great. There is one problem with the DVD Set, however, and that is that it appears as if it was assembled by a group of semi-retarded youth street urchins/orphans. The episodes are out of order...several simply don't exist...and one is on two separate DVD's. Somehow this isn't mentioned on Amazon, but Netflix clearly states which epsiodes are on each disc and I have seen all three discs and yeah-- they ain't right. It's easily the biggest eff-up I've ever seen in professional sales, but it works out because the episodes that are there and mildly (ok, no, agregiously) out of order, are still funny. Check it out.

Instead of posting a third thing here and then posting tomorrow, I'm gonna go ahead and save some ideas up-- it's like I'm maturing in my craft and you all have to suffer for it. Remember, all life is suffering, except for when you're watching Entourage, eating fine cheeses, or WATCHING SURVIVOR 15 AND READING ABOUT IT IN WITZ'S TVFODDER.COM BLOG!, and shameless plugs.

If I Ever Go Bald, I Will Not Get Shameless Plugs,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Pop-O-Craptic Trouble

I'm in over my head. I started listening to the radio and going to parties where they play those "Hit Songs" and now I feel like I should go climb under a desk and hide from the world (also, sometimes it's just really comfortable under a desk). You see, I now have at least three pop songs that I completely am obsessed with, and I feel both shame and pride. I feel shame in that I know that I shouldn't, as a music aficianado, like and want to spread the enjoyment to others of these songs. On the other hand, I'm kind of proud that I completely believe in my opinion that these songs are catchy as all hell and not too music snobby to cast them off as crap simply because I will lose all of your respect and my street cred for liking them. So, without further ado, here they are-- Don't Judge Me People:

Rihanna - Umbrella: Oh my dear God, have you heard this song? "Ella-ella-ay-ay." Holy SHITE-- NOBODY expected umbrellas to ever be this popular and catchy, except potentially literally if turned upside down. The song (at least my version?) kicks off with a Jay-Z intro, and the Jigga Man is like the doorkeeper making it ok for me to keep listening. And then, Rihanna comes in and it's all bumpin' and shit, and all I wanna do is DANCE BABY DANCE! "Under my umbrella-ella-ay-ay-ay" COME ON! It's like the taco bell crunch taco surpreme (modern classic). Honestly, I've been so into this song that if I'm bouncing to it alone in my apartment, shades closed, door locked, headphones on, I sometimes lose myself in the soft vocal bridge and just start interpretive dancing (which is kinda what all dancing looks like when you're white and Jewish) my ass off-- let's just say there's an ipod commercial coming out with my shadow in it. So get it-- just...GET IT. "Catch the dick" as they say.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl: My friend played this Wyclef single from the upcoming November album The Carnival II (cuz he realized The Carnival 1 was his only amazing album), and warned me "it's really pop, but so catchy" and he was absolutely right. The beat is catchy, the lyrics and hooks are catchy, and OH SNAP! DID I TELL YOU IT'S FEATURING AKON?? No longer creepin' in the shadows, Akon is now on Wyclef's new hit. SICK. "I'm a tell you, like you told me, cash rules everything 'round me, singing Dolla Dolla Bills Ya'all" AHHHHH. I don't know where to get this song really, but the version I have has some "Hot" DJ giving an annoying introduction.

Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come: I truly believed Rob Thomas was dead somewhere. If not physically, then at least mentally. Apparently, however, he's been constructing the greatest pseudo rock/pop/punk ripoff song I've heard in years. Or maybe he just thought up the idea to get a new producer. One way or the other, Rob Thomas is no longer just the executive producer of the now defunct Veronica Mars television series. He's the musician again-- and he's channeling Fall Out Boy. It still sounds like Matchbox 20 kinda, but Rob Thomas sings differently, the guitars are more basic and I think they try to do less and in doing so, they do more. There's one part in particular where the buildup and hesitation before the chorus sound EXACTLY like that one Fallout Boy hit that makes big jocks in the gym on their phone-tune-players sing "One time and one more time...etc (they don't say etc.)"-- shit, that just looks like the title of a Fallout Boy song now (see how I'm spelling Fall Out Boy two different ways? I'm tryin' em out to see which one I like). The chorus will be stuck in your head for days like it was stuck in mine and then you'll realize that Rob Thomas is kinda making the music you wish you were making and then you'll feel shamed again and find yourself under a desk wishing you had a Chipotle burrito-- unrelated. You can watch the "How Far We've Come" music video at http://www.matchbox20.com/

I Also Like Bear vs. Shark, The Blue Scholars, Parts & Labor, and The Impossibles, So Don't Judge Me,
Witz

P.S. Peep the new link on the right-- my radio show for KZSU Stanford is now up and podcasting. Follow the link to listen online or download the mp3 for your iPod or paste the link into your "Advanced" "Subscribe Podcast" box in itunes for consistent success! OR for you myspace folks, click HERE and bookmark it or add it to itunes.