Eff.
Eff.
Eff.
This is why I don't get my hair cut very often. This is why I have long hair. This is why the Jews are still struggling in this world.
Eff.
Eff.
Eff.
I got a haircut this morning. Nice lady. Good lookin' place. Expensive. So I go in and this lady gets all excited for my long curly hair and says she can cut curly hair and I showed her a picture and she said great and oh, she likes the picture haircut so much more than my hair now, blah blah blah. So she does the washing of the hair gig and then just rips into my definitely too long curls with her scissors. She's taking some off the top, taking some off the sides, really working it, but talking too. I'm making conversation, but know better than to let down my guard, so I'm watching in the mirror the whole time. She finally comes to a stopping point and I look and IT LOOKS GOOD! I'm baffled, but happy, and say "Good length, looks good, thanks!" and notice that she's inexplicably left the back of my hair in a mullet. Long in the back. I look like the photonegative of Patrick Swayze in Road House. So we keep going. She takes it up some, cuts some more off, and it still looks good. Great. Fantastic. She does the spin around with the mirror, the back looks good, we're good to roll. She takes the thinning shearers and thins out the top a bit, and everything still looks good. So we make our way over to the sink to re-wash my hair and get rid of all the excess. When I'm done, it looks crappy, but that's because it's wet. She restyles it a little, throws some gel in, and it once again looks like a good haircut. I pay. Tip. And leave.
Eff.
Eff.
Eff.
AS SOON AS I LEAVE THE STORE, I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG.
I get in the car and take a look in the mirror. Holy shit-- it's tiny. I am not a small dude, and my hair is tiny. Boxy. I try to mess with it like before, but it won't puff up, it won't spread out, and it looks like I'm rocking the Hair Club For Men-- and I can't tell if I'm a before or after picture.
I drive fast to get home and rush to my mirror. AWFUL! I take a shower, redo some stuff, try again-- AWFUL! MY HAIRCUT IS MISERABLE! I try on hats and look like I have cancer. My cowboy hat is the only hat with a speck of helpfulness and I'm not cool enough to wear cowboy hats in public. Plus, I did look a little like a cowboy with cancer which means EVERYONE will assume I smoked a lot of Marlboro's and got cancer from it-- serves me right.
Taking a closer inspection, I try to gage what's wrong. It's kinda long enough on top. The sides are suddenly lacking depth and very close to my head. SO I look like Lyle Lovett. One sideburn is higher than the other. And then there's the back. She took more off, but still left it long apparently in a way that I didn't notice in the shop. It's curling up like a wave and looks REALLY DUMB with the short hair on top and the sides. HOW COULD SHE MESS THAT UP?? How come nobody can just gimme a legit hair cut with even sideburns, clean cut in the back, and even all the way around? And did they have secret special mirrors that make everything look in proportion in the store? Cuz now I look like a fat guy on a little scooter so to speak, and I don't know what to do.
I decide my clothes aren't helping-- baggy isn't gonna make this look any bigger on my head. I change into some long shorts and a tight black t-shirt. OK-- looking better. I try on a hat again-- worse worse worse-- cancer and whatnot. Damn. Then I see my new reflective aviator glasses I bought over the weekend for five bucks. Worth a shot. I put them on and-- it's like putting on The Mask in the film The Mask. I suddenly look alright-- only, what is it, what is that I'm noticing? Oh-- I look like a GIANT ASSHOLE. BIG BIG D-Bag. I look like I should spin albums in clubs and be known as DJ Date Rape. Like if you came up and said, "Dude, you date raped Cynthia?" all accusingly, I'd say, "Phff-- at least I'm getting laid." THAT GUY.
But I don't think I have any alternatives. The only way I achieved this hair looking even remotely bearable was through a series of unpredictable, never-repeatable swooshes of my hand through my hair. If I touch it, it'll only get worse. Only, without the glasses, it still looks doofy and weird. SO I have to wear the glasses. And the black shirt (if I take it off, my hair will get effed up). I'm not even in good enough shape to WEAR this black t-shirt, so I guess I better get on that. And the surfer long, plaid shorts. That's my only versatility. Am I Asshole Surfer Guy or am I gonna be Asshole Jeans and Black T-Shirt 1970's guy? I'm pretty sure if I add any hair gel I'm going to have to get into Devo and Duran Duran, so that options out. Asshole is in.
And Asshole IS in. People love assholes, even if they don't admit it. Who were the popular kids in high school. Assholes. Politicians? Assholes. College sports stars? Assholes (except Greg Oden, who looks like he had a lot to deal with). So I'm going with it. I'm gonna try this out and hopefully it'll right itself by the time I go for a job interview or meet someone I want to like me. I'm gonna go hear Natalie Portman talk about Microfinance or something later today, and up until now, I didn't think I'd say anything to her afterwards. But ya know what? Now that I look like an asshole, maybe I have a shot. I look like Zach Braff with, you know, like, any testosterone in my system (fine-- I'm hairy, ok? There, I said it). And besides, until this sorts itself out, I'm introducing myself as Cecil Rose, my number one fan on tvfodder.com/survivor.
Whudafxup,
Witz
Showing posts with label Survivor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Survivor. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: That Sprint Commercial
I've kinda had it with the Sprint Commercial-- you know the one. It's the one where the guy is talking over the scene of glow stick lights in a park with people. And he says, "What did you dream about when you were a kid? Was it to go into space? Maybe you wanted to fly?" and then he drops the bomb, "Or maybe you dreamed of a magical glowing device that could store all of your music, photos, and email, along with making phone calls, while fitting into your pocket."
NO! Sorry, Sprint, but you went too far. Nothing against your products, but NOBODY in the EFFING UNIVERSE dreamt of that as a child and you should know better. First of all, when most people who can afford the phone were children, they didn't have mp3's, digital photos, cell phones, or email and NOBODY was dreaming of those capabilities, let alone some device that could mobilize and consolildate all of those things in your pocket. Secondly, THAT'S SUPER LAME AND DESTROYS AND DEMEANS THE IDEA OF DREAMS. People dream about being able to do things like YES, go to space, or YES, fly, or make movies, or build skyscrapers, or invent everlating candies (but not the gobstopper due to copyrights already in place). THEY DON'T dream of organizers and phones. What baffles me is that anyone at spring thought that the flow of the commercial didn't sound inadvertently hilarious. It's only slightly better than saying, "Maybe you dreamt of space, or flying, or maybe of a hybrid chimpanzee/zebra that could run for hours and swing from branches, averting all obstacles while still encompassing the sense and spirit of fun that chimps exhibit while throwing their feces." Only slightly better. I've seen the commercial too many times, and Sprint needs to do something to change-- they do have a great 7pm cell phone free minutes policy though-- so check that out.
Witz DOES Pick!:
Suave Shampoo: Ya know, I bought Suave for it's low low prices, and I might have even mentioned it before as a good cheap alternative for shampoo. But, it was only recently that I decided that I do, in fact, feel more suave after using it. I mean, after showering with suave, I towel off with just a little more shake in my hips and confidence in my eyes. When I look down and see my suave collection of excess hair gathering in the drain, I almost chuckle with the knowledge that I have just suaved myself and lessened other men in the eyes of the ladies of the world. Sometimes I feel almost too suave-- like when the two-in-one shampoo conditioner makes it so easy for me to take showers quickly that I'm able to ignore the fact that neither the conditioner nor the shampoo actually seem to be having any effect whatsoever on my hair. But hey-- fast showers are suave. It's like, "OMG-- he showered so fast, he must be really dextrous to wash that quickly-- do you think he has less body fat than other guys who take longer to shower due to the amount of body fat they have to wash?" Knowing I shower with Suave gives me that extra something in my stride that I think is noticeable, if only subconsciously. And for 2 dollars a bottle-- that's a great value.
Survivor Blog Avid Reader/Enemy: I'm apparently developing a hate-hate relationship with one of my tvfodder.com/survivor readers. This person seems to loath me and everything I write, but reads on a weekly basis for the last two seasons. What's baffling is that their primary function seems to be to correct me and point out things I missed or forgot. Recently, their function has been to hate on my jokes and ideas by not recognizing them as ideas. It's astounding. It's like if one of you commented that Suave shampoo is not actually that good and hair in a drain ISN'T actually sexy. Oh-- thanks. It's as though the entire concept of misinterpreting things amusingly or for the sake of a joke and the idea of taking what material is available and using it for humor is completely foreign to this person. I don't know what to make of it, but they keep on reading, so I'm pretty excited. Here's a clip:
Me:
The next thing we learn is that Leslie is going to do her damnest to fulfil my dislike for her. Leslie is the Christian Talk Show Radio Host in South Carolina. Here’s the quote of the night after she turns and WALKS OUT OF THE TEMPLE because she feels uncomfortable: “I’m not a religious person, but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” ….….((whisper)) Leslie…baby…got news for you—you ARE a religious person, and it’s ok to admit it.…I mean, COME ON! I’m not a religious person, I just have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Are we thinking about the same Jesus Christ or does she know another because as far as I know, Jesus Christ exists as a spiritual being and not some dude on the corner of Main St and MLK, Jr. Blvd. That’s like saying, “I’m not a baseball player, I just play first base for the Dodgers and get paid for it 162 games a year.” I HOPE she is a religious person, otherwise there’s a propped up corpse lying around Leslie’s home that she chats with and shares her popcorn with Weekend At Bernie’s style.
I also mentioned that one of the tribes had a "dope shelter"
Arch-Nemesis:
Maybe Leslie's meaning was "I'm not a religions fanatic but..."
o-----------
DOPE shelter?
o----------
Anyway, I think this is gonna be a lot of fun in the coming weeks, and while I realie that example wasn't the grandest of differing opinions, there's some more backstory and just take it as one example in a long line of corrections and grievances.
So that's all for this week. Check back on Monday when I will hopefully have the wherewithall to keep the streak of posts alive-- either way, I got to use wherewithall (probably incorrectly) and am excited for that-- so why don't you get excited for me? Keep checkin the podcast link on the right as I will keep adding radio broadcasts with punk, hip-hop, and indie tunes, along with the glory of radio banter. Plus, then you can read these posts with my voice in your head, like Grey's Anatomy only better, The Wonder Years only worse, or How I Met Your Mother of equal quality.
Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Especially When It's Yourself-- Example: Hey Baby, You Want Some of This Bitch? This Ho? I'll Do Whatever I Tell Myself To Do-- Shampoo? Cell Phone Ads? Cinnamon? He's A Pop Culture Slut...I Am...),
Witz
NO! Sorry, Sprint, but you went too far. Nothing against your products, but NOBODY in the EFFING UNIVERSE dreamt of that as a child and you should know better. First of all, when most people who can afford the phone were children, they didn't have mp3's, digital photos, cell phones, or email and NOBODY was dreaming of those capabilities, let alone some device that could mobilize and consolildate all of those things in your pocket. Secondly, THAT'S SUPER LAME AND DESTROYS AND DEMEANS THE IDEA OF DREAMS. People dream about being able to do things like YES, go to space, or YES, fly, or make movies, or build skyscrapers, or invent everlating candies (but not the gobstopper due to copyrights already in place). THEY DON'T dream of organizers and phones. What baffles me is that anyone at spring thought that the flow of the commercial didn't sound inadvertently hilarious. It's only slightly better than saying, "Maybe you dreamt of space, or flying, or maybe of a hybrid chimpanzee/zebra that could run for hours and swing from branches, averting all obstacles while still encompassing the sense and spirit of fun that chimps exhibit while throwing their feces." Only slightly better. I've seen the commercial too many times, and Sprint needs to do something to change-- they do have a great 7pm cell phone free minutes policy though-- so check that out.
Witz DOES Pick!:
Suave Shampoo: Ya know, I bought Suave for it's low low prices, and I might have even mentioned it before as a good cheap alternative for shampoo. But, it was only recently that I decided that I do, in fact, feel more suave after using it. I mean, after showering with suave, I towel off with just a little more shake in my hips and confidence in my eyes. When I look down and see my suave collection of excess hair gathering in the drain, I almost chuckle with the knowledge that I have just suaved myself and lessened other men in the eyes of the ladies of the world. Sometimes I feel almost too suave-- like when the two-in-one shampoo conditioner makes it so easy for me to take showers quickly that I'm able to ignore the fact that neither the conditioner nor the shampoo actually seem to be having any effect whatsoever on my hair. But hey-- fast showers are suave. It's like, "OMG-- he showered so fast, he must be really dextrous to wash that quickly-- do you think he has less body fat than other guys who take longer to shower due to the amount of body fat they have to wash?" Knowing I shower with Suave gives me that extra something in my stride that I think is noticeable, if only subconsciously. And for 2 dollars a bottle-- that's a great value.
Survivor Blog Avid Reader/Enemy: I'm apparently developing a hate-hate relationship with one of my tvfodder.com/survivor readers. This person seems to loath me and everything I write, but reads on a weekly basis for the last two seasons. What's baffling is that their primary function seems to be to correct me and point out things I missed or forgot. Recently, their function has been to hate on my jokes and ideas by not recognizing them as ideas. It's astounding. It's like if one of you commented that Suave shampoo is not actually that good and hair in a drain ISN'T actually sexy. Oh-- thanks. It's as though the entire concept of misinterpreting things amusingly or for the sake of a joke and the idea of taking what material is available and using it for humor is completely foreign to this person. I don't know what to make of it, but they keep on reading, so I'm pretty excited. Here's a clip:
Me:
The next thing we learn is that Leslie is going to do her damnest to fulfil my dislike for her. Leslie is the Christian Talk Show Radio Host in South Carolina. Here’s the quote of the night after she turns and WALKS OUT OF THE TEMPLE because she feels uncomfortable: “I’m not a religious person, but I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.” ….….((whisper)) Leslie…baby…got news for you—you ARE a religious person, and it’s ok to admit it.…I mean, COME ON! I’m not a religious person, I just have a relationship with Jesus Christ? Are we thinking about the same Jesus Christ or does she know another because as far as I know, Jesus Christ exists as a spiritual being and not some dude on the corner of Main St and MLK, Jr. Blvd. That’s like saying, “I’m not a baseball player, I just play first base for the Dodgers and get paid for it 162 games a year.” I HOPE she is a religious person, otherwise there’s a propped up corpse lying around Leslie’s home that she chats with and shares her popcorn with Weekend At Bernie’s style.
I also mentioned that one of the tribes had a "dope shelter"
Arch-Nemesis:
Maybe Leslie's meaning was "I'm not a religions fanatic but..."
o-----------
DOPE shelter?
o----------
Anyway, I think this is gonna be a lot of fun in the coming weeks, and while I realie that example wasn't the grandest of differing opinions, there's some more backstory and just take it as one example in a long line of corrections and grievances.
So that's all for this week. Check back on Monday when I will hopefully have the wherewithall to keep the streak of posts alive-- either way, I got to use wherewithall (probably incorrectly) and am excited for that-- so why don't you get excited for me? Keep checkin the podcast link on the right as I will keep adding radio broadcasts with punk, hip-hop, and indie tunes, along with the glory of radio banter. Plus, then you can read these posts with my voice in your head, like Grey's Anatomy only better, The Wonder Years only worse, or How I Met Your Mother of equal quality.
Pimpin' Ain't Easy (Especially When It's Yourself-- Example: Hey Baby, You Want Some of This Bitch? This Ho? I'll Do Whatever I Tell Myself To Do-- Shampoo? Cell Phone Ads? Cinnamon? He's A Pop Culture Slut...I Am...),
Witz
Monday, September 24, 2007
Witz Pickz: Favorite Way To Spend A Rainy Day & More!
Filling out an application for the upcoming KZSU Radio Quarter, I came across the question: What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day. That got me thinking, and then it got me writing, and then it got me sad...and then happy...and then confused...and then I vomited (unrelated(?)). Anyway, I thought it was a good question, so here's my answer. What's yours?
What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day? Asking "What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day?" is like asking, "When you're on the moon, what's your favorite sipping brandy?" I'm never gonna be on the moon, and it never freakin' rains in California! Coming down here from Seattle, I need me a little bit of cloud cover occasionally. A drizzle, perhaps-- rain would be a baby miracle. And I've heard that "it rains after Halloween," or whatever, but I mean RAIN-- not God's Piss Shiver, but RAIN. The kind that lets you lie inside all day in your boxers watching Hitch and eating Soft Batch cookies like Trail Mix, because there's no chance anyone is coming over to see you and there's no chance you're leaving the apartment. So yeah, what's my favorite way to spend a rainy day? Apparently slovenly, for one. Watching the superbly non-threatening Will Smith for two. And if I'm lucky, with some tasty baked goods and-- if the fates are with me-- with those Claussen Pickle Halves that only come in the refrigerator section and cost like five dollars a jar, but are toooootally worth it (you know what I'm talkin' bout). That is, if it every rained here. I might as well be shopping for sipping brandies.
Undeclared: Judd Apatow created and wrote Freaks & Geeks along with The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and yes, Heavyweights. He's produced a ridiculous amount of funny stuff including Superbad and now you know who he and Seth Rogen (star of Knocked Up) are. SO, it is totally worth going back and getting the three DVD set of the single season critically loved tv show Undeclared. Undeclared is essentially Freaks and Geeks set in college, only everyone's a little more well adjusted. It's very well done and hits a bunch of key points and subtleties that we probably all experienced in college. When I first saw the show, I was in it for Jason Segul (of Freaks and Geeks, Slackers and now How I Met Your Mother), and the cameos. It was kinda funny. But going back now and watching, once I already know that Seth Rogen is funny, the show is suddenly way funnier. Rogen (wrote Superbad and was one of the cops in it), wrote and acted in the series, and his rants, along with the unaired footage of his rants, are incredible. It makes the other characters more funny too somehow, and some hilarious cameos by Will Farrell and Adam Sandler (as well as Ben Stiller) are great. There is one problem with the DVD Set, however, and that is that it appears as if it was assembled by a group of semi-retarded youth street urchins/orphans. The episodes are out of order...several simply don't exist...and one is on two separate DVD's. Somehow this isn't mentioned on Amazon, but Netflix clearly states which epsiodes are on each disc and I have seen all three discs and yeah-- they ain't right. It's easily the biggest eff-up I've ever seen in professional sales, but it works out because the episodes that are there and mildly (ok, no, agregiously) out of order, are still funny. Check it out.
Instead of posting a third thing here and then posting tomorrow, I'm gonna go ahead and save some ideas up-- it's like I'm maturing in my craft and you all have to suffer for it. Remember, all life is suffering, except for when you're watching Entourage, eating fine cheeses, or WATCHING SURVIVOR 15 AND READING ABOUT IT IN WITZ'S TVFODDER.COM BLOG!, and shameless plugs.
If I Ever Go Bald, I Will Not Get Shameless Plugs,
Witz
What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day? Asking "What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day?" is like asking, "When you're on the moon, what's your favorite sipping brandy?" I'm never gonna be on the moon, and it never freakin' rains in California! Coming down here from Seattle, I need me a little bit of cloud cover occasionally. A drizzle, perhaps-- rain would be a baby miracle. And I've heard that "it rains after Halloween," or whatever, but I mean RAIN-- not God's Piss Shiver, but RAIN. The kind that lets you lie inside all day in your boxers watching Hitch and eating Soft Batch cookies like Trail Mix, because there's no chance anyone is coming over to see you and there's no chance you're leaving the apartment. So yeah, what's my favorite way to spend a rainy day? Apparently slovenly, for one. Watching the superbly non-threatening Will Smith for two. And if I'm lucky, with some tasty baked goods and-- if the fates are with me-- with those Claussen Pickle Halves that only come in the refrigerator section and cost like five dollars a jar, but are toooootally worth it (you know what I'm talkin' bout). That is, if it every rained here. I might as well be shopping for sipping brandies.
Undeclared: Judd Apatow created and wrote Freaks & Geeks along with The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and yes, Heavyweights. He's produced a ridiculous amount of funny stuff including Superbad and now you know who he and Seth Rogen (star of Knocked Up) are. SO, it is totally worth going back and getting the three DVD set of the single season critically loved tv show Undeclared. Undeclared is essentially Freaks and Geeks set in college, only everyone's a little more well adjusted. It's very well done and hits a bunch of key points and subtleties that we probably all experienced in college. When I first saw the show, I was in it for Jason Segul (of Freaks and Geeks, Slackers and now How I Met Your Mother), and the cameos. It was kinda funny. But going back now and watching, once I already know that Seth Rogen is funny, the show is suddenly way funnier. Rogen (wrote Superbad and was one of the cops in it), wrote and acted in the series, and his rants, along with the unaired footage of his rants, are incredible. It makes the other characters more funny too somehow, and some hilarious cameos by Will Farrell and Adam Sandler (as well as Ben Stiller) are great. There is one problem with the DVD Set, however, and that is that it appears as if it was assembled by a group of semi-retarded youth street urchins/orphans. The episodes are out of order...several simply don't exist...and one is on two separate DVD's. Somehow this isn't mentioned on Amazon, but Netflix clearly states which epsiodes are on each disc and I have seen all three discs and yeah-- they ain't right. It's easily the biggest eff-up I've ever seen in professional sales, but it works out because the episodes that are there and mildly (ok, no, agregiously) out of order, are still funny. Check it out.
Instead of posting a third thing here and then posting tomorrow, I'm gonna go ahead and save some ideas up-- it's like I'm maturing in my craft and you all have to suffer for it. Remember, all life is suffering, except for when you're watching Entourage, eating fine cheeses, or WATCHING SURVIVOR 15 AND READING ABOUT IT IN WITZ'S TVFODDER.COM BLOG!, and shameless plugs.
If I Ever Go Bald, I Will Not Get Shameless Plugs,
Witz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
