Thursday, July 20, 2006

Witz DOESN'T Pick: New "Comedian" Belt

My goddamn belt thinks it's a comedian. And it's not. It's a goddamn belt. I bought it because I needed a belt that actually fit me and had a gift certificate to The Men's Wearhouse. I didn't have any belts that fit me because nobody ever taught me how to size out a belt which is probably because NOBODY KNOWS. Shouldn't the belt size be listed as the size pants that you usually wear? Say you're a 32-- the belt size would say 32 only have like 4 extra inches on it so you could buckle it up. That would make sense. BUT NO. That's not how the system works. Here's how the system works as best as I've been told by people working in stores:

"You take your belt size and then add like, two or three sizes, and then try it on and see how many holes there are. And if the number holes is between three and four that you can use, but closer to four than to three, than that's the belt for you."

......THAT'S NOT A SYSTEM. That's guess and check and it's what i've done my whole life. But back to The Men's Wearhouse. So i'm in the store because I had a gift certificate for fifty bucks which translated into one shirt and some change. So I bought this belt-- brown, the right size, gold buckle, does the trick. The salesguy tries to sex me up financially, but finally cools off when he realizes all I have is a fifty dollar gift certificate which i've already gone over by five dollars.

"Where else in town can you get a shirt and a belt for five dollars?" the guy asks me like i'm a piece of meat. I avoid my initial response, "any thrift store" and procede to,

"I vaguely recall getting this gift certificate because I dropped seven hundred dollars on suits about six months ago..." I quip back, which shut him up, probably shear moments before he revealed the true nature of my belt. That it thinks it's a goddamn comedian. Which is what this post is about.

The reason my belt thinks it's funny, is that every time I undo or redo my belt buckle, it makes this loud, drawn out farting noise. Like a whoopie cushion, only more believable. And for some reason, this keeps happening at inopportune moments. I'm getting undressed in the bathroom to join my girlfriend in the shower-- PFTH!

HER: Honey, did you just rip ass?
ME: No no dear, just getting sexy naked for you...
HER: ....I'll be out in a second, why don't you just wait and then you can get in....

Thanks belt. And here's an awkward one: Someone walks into the bathroom at work seconds before I flush and leave the stall. Flush, zip, FART, and i'm out of the stall like I have no concept of how the sequence of events should have taken place. You should see the looks I get; grown businessmen staring at me like I might shit my pants at any moment. Pretty hilarious you goddamn comedian belt.

While this belt is my problem, and I foresee many a changing room and bar urinal awkwardness ensueing because of it, it doesn't have to be your problem too. Try out your leather belts before you buy them, and make sure yours doesn't think it's a goddamn comedian.

Keep On Keepin' On,


(Witz Pickz is now on myspace! visit and be Witz's friend)

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