Thursday, July 06, 2006

WITZ PICKZ: HOT POCKETS-- A Systematic Defeat of Anti-Hot Pocket (and probably Pro-Hate Crime) Sentiment

Here's the deal kids: No matter what society, your instincts, or name-dropping, freewheeling vagabond types might tell you, HOT POCKETS ARE AMAZING. The reasons are too numerous to not simply indulge in three of them in a simple list setup:

1) For Their Delicious Nature: Hot pockets taste good. That's a fact, and facts are the only things that separate us from the animals...well that and the Sony PSP, but that line is blurring fast my Anyway, whether you go with cheese, three cheese, hamburger, meatball, pepperoni, or even breakfast burrito style, Hot Pockets produce a warm, delectable treat wrapped in a crispy crust. This is because of recent advancements in Hot Pocket Technology. The semi-new (only so much money can be spent on food technology) technology comes in the form of a cardboard heating jacket and "really does the trick" according to 4 out of 5 college graduates. This jacket holds in the heat while somehow technologically enhancing the crisp of the pocket itself. The result is a tasty midnight treat that is crisp and delicious on the outside and warm and halfway decent on the inside. Oh yeah, and did I mention it only takes 3 minutes?

2) Quick and Safe Preparation: The fact taht I can receive cripsy deliciousness in 3 minutes means you should shut the hell up about your Hot Pocket woes. 1.5 minutes on one side, 1.5 on the other and kid, i'm eating the face off that hot pocket. The speed of the preparation is due to not so recent microwave technology which simultaneously cooks, and de-bacteria-fies the product. How can you eat a pocket full of eggs, cheese, and ham?? You might ask. Aren't I likely to die? Well yes, unless you heat it for 3 minutes in a microwave first and observe the hot pocket label that has given comfort to hundreds of thousands of late night (and early morning) snackers.

3) Sense of Adventure: Can you remember the first time you ever ate a hot pocket? I can't either. Hot pockets are rarely consumed during moments of total consciousness. For this reason, hot pockets are an adventure food. Picking up a box of hot pockets in the store, with that foreboding feeling of unease in your stomach and a tiny voice in your head screaming, "I HOPE YOU GOT TUMS," is like saying, "Yeah, i'm gonna have fun tonight." You're reaching out for adventure and choosing life. Ultimately, you're making the decision to live a life of danger and excitement-- to be an Indiana Jones for a night, or a Scrooge McDuck on a world journey to find a missing jewel. This is the Hot Pocket Experience. Grab onto it and never let it go.

As all doubts must now be dispelled from your mind, I will leave you with simply a haiku written by the great haiku travel poet Basho during an excursion into the Mongolian wastelands.

Hot Pocket in hand
Travels are warmed like the sun
Croissant-Pocket next!



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