Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Witz Pickz: Healthy Immune Systems

The grass might always be greener on the other side, but somehow I don't see myself lying dejected on the "Strong and Functional Immune System" side of the river and gazing jealously across to the "Witz's Useless Pathetic Immune System" pasture. It just doesn't seem like it would happen.

Because you see, my immune system is practically non-existent. They say that you can't get the same cold twice, which means that I am simply a stomping ground for every single individual cold strand that passes through a population. I am to the viral population what Chicago is to air travel. And just as everyone always gets delayed in Chicago-- so too do the germs in my body-- they just won't leave. Cold outside? Witz gets sick. Breezy in the summer? Witz gets sick. Stayed up past 8pm? Witz gets sick. Swam? Witz gets sick-- and an ear infection. It's effing unbelievable to me how easily my body succumbs to the millions of aggressive asshole bugs that are passed between humans on a casual basis.

So I take actions. I try to sleep early and often. Through the night even. I try to sleep in when possible. I try to stay bundled up. I drive the 3 blocks to work instead of walk. I turn the heat on. I sleep with clothes on. I air out the apartment, eat right, and drink fluids to the point when I am able to stand onstage with a bucket in front of me and Fruit Punch Powerade in hand and exhibit myself as a "color changing machine" as I drink the red Powerade and release the yellow urine. "It's amazing!" What happens in between? Oh, you know, mucus, fever, sore throat. All parts of the magic.

And I take vitamins. I take B, C, Zinc, Calcium, Q-10, Pau D'arco, Garlic, Echinacea-Phyto Caps, and something called Host Defense which has the picture of what has to be an alien growing on the label. Does this alien grow into a creature that hunts unwanted agents AKA the Predators of my body? If so, I approve. I take all these vitamins. My trick, you see, is that I take all of them sporadically and entirely haphazardly, so as not to allow the Evil Invader Cells to know what to expect, and create a routine out of my assaults. Unfortunately, this type of standoff is a war of attrition, and no matter who wins, I ultimately lose.

AND YET NONE OF THESE THINGS WORK! I sleep feverishly and with insane dreams where I have to do things like map the amazon river as I travel through dangerous territory or get shot repeatedly while I just try and buy fruit pies from my boss who in this dream works at the DMV. I'm buyin' fruit pies at the DMV? And getting shot for it? I try bundle up or turn up the heat, and my throat is even drier in the morning. My lungs ache. I smell dust where there is not dust. These types of things. I air out the apartment and then get sicker because it's cold and probably more germs were waiting to come on in. I drink fluids and my stomach just hurts. I take the vitamins, and nothing. NOTHING. I stay sick. Or I get better and get sick again. Or I'm healthy, and the only thing that I can think is, "I hope I don't get sick aga-- fuck. I'm sick again." Now my Dad tells me it's part mental. That if I think I'm going to get sick, I will. Which is great, except when I'm sick, and I think I'm gonna get healthy-- I DONT. And since I usually get sick, how can I not at least recognize the past when thinking, "Chances are high I might get sick" even while thinking, "I'm not going to get sick." It's a rough world out there and frankly, I'm not complaining. I like sick days. Nobody believes me that I'm sick all the time, but that doesn't mean I don't get the time off. I like sleeping. I like reading books and watching movies all day. And I like my magic trick.

But I still pick Strong Healthy Immune Systems. If I had one, I might never look back. But like the guy who's owned a Toyoto Corolla all these years, and is sold on it's consistency so he never buys a Porsche, I drive my crappy shit-eating immune system. I drive it right into the ground.

Witz Is Sick of Being Sick-- But Cannot Invent Airborne, Which Has Already Been Invented and No Longer Helps Witz Even Though It Used to Be His Godsend,

1 comment:

IrishGal said...

I'll stop blowing "snot rockets" on the field, just for you.

Though I doubt it'll help from the sound of it...