Friday, April 20, 2007

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Teeth!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about having and maintaining teeth. They do good work. They stand out in a crowd. Easily one of my favorite 2000 parts. But what the fuck teeth? Wasn’t there a time when teeth were capable of standing up to the world? When they weren’t brushed, flossed, capped, sealed, drilled, filled, or bridged?

I understand that our life spans have gotten much longer. I understand that teeth fallout less now. But there had to be a time when teeth were able to stand up to the test of time without massive care. Why did nature create teeth so incredibly weak and pathetic as we evolved from creatures who I have never heard of having tooth problems. Apes have amazing teeth. They are big and sharp and….in existence. I never hear any National Geographic Specials saying, “And here is the ape, he has been crippled by tooth pain.” Then again, I don’t watch too many National Geographic Specials.

I brush my teeth daily, which I feel like should be the minimum effort put into teeth. If there’s old thing old people tell me on a regular basis that we should listen to it’s, “Take care of your teeth!” So I try. And yesterday I go to the dentist and find out I need fillings. “Just slight breakthroughs that we should fill and seal up,” they said. What the hell? Why doesn’t my body have a natural process for sorting out minor cavities of the teeth? Is the enamel and sealent they put on their when I was a kid really the only line of defense? Mystery Person #1 who I know is an even better example. She brushes three times a day when she can, uses an electric toothbrush, flosses maniacally, rocks the Listerine, and cares for her teeth like there’s a tooth fair for you later in life who pays based on quality. AND SHE HAD TO GET A FILLING. TEETH SUCK.

The dentist I went to wants to charge me 325 dollars per filling. They use “White fillings” which are chemical bonds and are much better, but insurance only covers “Silver Fillings.” I asked what the difference was:

“What’s the difference?”

“Well, first, Silver fillings contain mercury,” she says. WHAAAAAT???? That sounds like a) the biggest lie I’ve ever heard followed by b) the best selling point for white fillings ever.


“And they don’t bond chemically like the white ones—it’s like packing sand into a hole.”



“—I’m sorry, did you say MERCURY?”


“Like, brain damage Mercury?”

“That’s the stuff.”

“So you would say—“

“—I would say the white fillings are the way to go.”

“Are there any other kinds of fillings?”

“Not really.”

“Nothing cheaper?”


“What about…creeeam filling?” zing.

“Cream filling is 450 dollars and your insurance doesn’t cover it. Plus we’d have to import it from Boston, which is an added expense. Also it contains mercury. Give us all your money, asshole.”


So yeah, I’m screwed. My stupid unevolved teeth are falling apart and all of a sudden I’m thinking like an eighty year old man: “If I hadn’t decided after a year to go to the dentist randomly, I never would have known about the tooth problem and I would have gone on living just find until I felt some pain. So this isn’t an issue. I’ll ignore it and be happy and healthy like I was before!” The logic is so simple, yet so flawed. Now that I know what’s there, I FEEEL it. I feel the problem growing, manifesting its stress and doom in my mouth. Taking over my body. Goddamn you my teeth—what happened? Was it the lack of flossing? You know you didn’t want to be flossed. Was it the lack of Listerine, who’s sting I spared my taste buds? Or was it the forty chocolate bars I ate over the last month, stacking pile of sugar on top of pile of sugar in every crevice of my never-saited maw? I’m going to blame the liberal media, for propagating the dentists’ lies of necessary tooth-care that have been woven into our very society and culture. OVER CLEANING! That’s what I blame. We have scrubbed the resistance right off the teeth. Left our gums exposed. They wagged the dog with “Gingivitis” and “Root Canals” and now we are suffering the consequences. We have gone against Evolution. We have gone against Nature. Our teeth are weak. And it might be too late to do anything about it.



IrishGal said...

Dude, that sucks. Thanks for the involuntary heads-up on how our employer's insurance plan isn't so great.

Y'know those Greenie things that they make for dogs to keep their teeth clean? We need those.

A Money said...

Stinks for all the people with "soft teeth." I am a lucky person who has "hard teeth." Basically, I eat gummy worms, sour patch kids, sugar babies... and I have no chance of getting a cavity. A dentist told me this and I laughed in his face.

On another interesting mouth note about myself, I breathe through my mouth when I sleep. Therefore, I have sensitive gums. Therefore, flossing is not a necessity for me, because it makes my gums bleed.

In closing, my teeth don't get cavities, and I don't have to floss. Eff dentists.

Witz said...

I'm pretty sure that, "it makes my gums bleed" is not a reason why you DON'T have to floss.

You do, however, appear to live the life. Enjoy.