Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Witz Flix: Charlie St. Cloud

I know I promised Sex and the City 2 next, but the Netflix gods have delivered me Charlie St. Cloud and I'm considering that a holiday miracle. All I know about Charlie St. Cloud is that it's based on a book, it stars the charming and phonetically spelled Zac Efron, and it's about a boy who's brother dies, but the dead brother is really selfish about it. Let's jump in:

If you don't understand I'm going to spoil the plot twists for you, then you haven't been paying attention:

1 min: Oh boy. If you heart sailing and brotherly love, you're gonna shit yourself at this opening scene. Charlie and his younger brother, Sam, are in a sailboat race. The two sail to victory, fueled only by the wind, the sails, and the shine in Zac Efron's eyes.

("A schooner IS a sailboat!")

3 min: I don't see why he feels the need to abbreviate. Charlie Street Cloud is a great name.

5 min: Charlie's supposed to go to Stanford, but he's considering taking a year to earn some money for his family first. Ugh. I can't believe this is going to be ANOTHER movie about poor people who love sailing and go to Stanford. "You got in for fall, you go in the fall. You can't put life on hold, Charlie," his single-mom, Kim Bassinger, says. Meanwhile, the word "defer" sulks in the corner.

6 min: Cut to Charlie's high school graduation. Apparently, he's kind of a big deal. Wait, does this make Zac Efron 17 Again, AGAIN?

8 min: Charlie promises to spend 1 hour every day before he leaves for Stanford teaching Sam how to play baseball better. His mom rushes off for an extra night shift as an RN. Zac Efron sneaks out of the house. These are like the ABC's of how to make sure your sibling dies unexpectedly.

12 min: Sam catches Charlie leaving and asks him to get dropped off at a friend's house to finish watching the Sox game. They are waiting to make a left when the car behind them smashes into the bumper, sending them twisting forward. A truck coming from the other direction then lays on the horn. When simply honking for a long time doesn't work, the truck slams into the passenger side of the car. It was kinda like this:

13 min: Ray Liotta manages to zap Charlie back to life, but Sam's dead, which sucks for Charlie and his mom, but is huge for the movie having a major turning point.

15 min: Charlie thinks he sees Sam at the funeral and refuses to throw the baseball glove into the grave. He runs off into the woods where he sees his brother again. They talk and agree to meet every day to practice like Charlie promised. Man, the sequel to Ghost Dad is DARK.

17 min: "5 Years Later." Sam's headstone reads, "Taken too young. Alive in our hearts forever." So...he's got that goin' for him...

19 min: Oh, please. Charlie works maintenance at the cemetery which is like letting Barry Bonds work at a pharmacy.

24 min: I don't know how else to put this: Charlie sees dead people. And then he talks to them.

26 min: Charlie heads off into the woods and has a catch with Sam's Ghost, which is all well and crazy except I want to see how it's happening in real life. Is he chucking the ball and then walking over to get it? Does he have a sack of balls that he's just throwing into the bushes? This is like a really low-budget Field of Dreams.

("His name is Sam and I love him very much...")

29 min: Charlie runs into Ray Liotta again, the paramedic who saved his life.

Ray: Wanna grab a cup of coffee? Catch up?
Charlie: Oh, I can't man, I gotta go back to work...
(read: "Oh, I can't man, that's creepy as shit.")

The two go to get coffee:

Charlie: You're sick.
Ray: Yeah...I got the Big C...

Seems like a weird time to brag about your penis size, but-- OHHHHHHH! THAT C. Well, that's just much worse, isn't it?

32 min:
Ray: God gave you a second chance. God doesn't just show off-- there has to be a reason. Don't squander this gift you've been given!

WAIT, second chance-- does that mean that Zac Efron was 17 Again, Again, AGAIN!? And since when doesn't God show off? What about Mt. Everest, and Double Rainbows, and Salma Hayek?

36 min: There's exactly one black guy in this movie, and he's a rich douchebag. "Hey, didn't you used to be Charlie St. Cloud?" He mocks, and then, when Charlie won't take a shot of something he says, "Relax. It's not like you're in high demand as a designated driver." Charlie punches him in the face, which is finally a victory for poor white kids over rich black kids everywhere...

38 min: Charlie goes down to the boats and sees The Girl, Tess. Apparently, his reason for getting a second chance at life is to hookup with the girl from Sex Drive. Wait, you guys didn't see Sex Drive? Seth Green's finest role. Anyway, The Girl is going on a race around the world.

44 min: Seriously, though, why does Zac Efron spell his name like a vanity license plate? Zack Ephron or Zak Effron-- those are the choices.

52 min:
Charlie: According to Sammy, our father played for the Red Sox.
Tess: Did he?
Charlie: No! He tried out for the triple A team in Pawtucket. That's the last we saw of him...

And that man's name was Wade Boggs.

55 min: Charlie has Tess over for dinner and just goes for it, kissing her up against the wall. She says she can't because she's leaving soon for her big around the world race and leaves. Then, she knocks on the door and says, "Come find me!" and runs off into the graveyard, you know, like people do. He finds her and they bang in the cemetary?? This whole movie would be way cooler if they had gotten Trent Reznor do the soundtrack.

62 min:
Charlie: The more I'm in your world, the less I can be in his.
Tess: Charlie, at some point, we all have to let go.

Sam's Ghost has to be the cock-blocking-est ghost of all time. Although, I could totally see Casper always showing up at the worst possible time and being all, "Hey, what are you guys up to?" There's a line between "friendly" and "highly intrusive."

66 min: Whaaaat? Check this potentially illogical twist out: Tess's boat went missing three days ago, so alllll the time she's spent with Charlie has been as a ghost. Which raises numerous questions, the most important of which being, "Who or what did Charlie St. Cloud bone in the graveyard???"

68 min: "Why are you the only one who can see me, Charlie?" The only way to answer that is, "Have you seen The Sixth Sense? I'm like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense." Oh, shit! Spoiler Alert! Does anyone NOT know about the ending to The Sixth Sense at this point? If you don't, I'd also like to let you know that Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Söze!

70 min: Why wasn't Zac Efron Spiderman? He's like Tobey Maguire, if Tobey Maguire had charisma, a personality, and a body that could process gluten. I know Zac was in all the High School Musical movies, but he was also in an episode of Firefly, so he deserves SOME cool credit.

80 min: Charlie goes to search for Tess and her sailboat and isn't able to meet Sam in the woods. Sam waits for him and then walks away from the clearing and disappears into the light. Ease his pain, Charlie.

82 min: They find Tess's boat. Charlie dives into the water to find her. He almost drowns, whacks his head on a rock, and then stumbles onto a small rock cropping where he finds her body. He opens her clothes and moves against her. It's probably to provide warmth ala Ben Affleck and that old guy in The Voyage of the Mimi, but after that whole graveyard ghost-sex fiasco, it's a bit awkward:

Charlie: (taking off her clothes) Five minute rule!
Coast Guard: Sir, she's been dead for seventy-two hours.
Charlie: Alright, fine then, SEVENTY-TWO HOUR rule.

89 min: Tess survives, Charlie survives, and Charlie buys a boat to sail around the world, but the movie still ends like an advertisement for suicide:

Charlie: Sorry I had to break our deal.
Sam: It was time. I mean, it's beyond anything we ever imagined, Charlie!
Charlie: I hurt as bad as the day you died.
Sam: You hurt because you're alive.

"Suicide: Way Better."

93 min: And Roll Credits; on the movie, on your life, whatever. If we learned one thing here today, it's not that we must make the most of the time we have on this planet, it's that if you're very good-looking, you can be batshit crazy and not only will girls not care, but you'll get to bang ghosts, too.

Weirdest High School Musical Yet,

1 comment:

Cindy Bean said...

I don't think that girl was good looking enough. It's like putting me opposite Charlie St. Cloud and getting to bang him in the cemetery. I know we're supposed to suspend our disbelief, but c'mon!