Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Witz Flix: Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps

(I love Shia's expression in this poster. Even he's not sure why he's making this movie.)

It's 5pm, I'm back home for the holidays, and I have exactly four hours to watch Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps before it is no longer available ondemand. You see, at 9pm last night, my parents paid money to watch this movie, and by all accounts, it was a disaster. So, how can I resist?

1 min: The movie opens with Gordon Gecko (Michael Douglas) getting out of jail and retrieving his belongings. He has a gold watch, an empty money clip and a huge old Zack Morris phone. Ironically, he was the one given a 20 year "time-out."

2 min: Oh, thank god, Shia The Beef is narrating. I guess Morgan Freeman was all booked up.

3 min: We cut to "7 Years Later," 2008. Opening sequence...I don't think it's ever too early to talk about the subtitle, "Money Never Sleeps." For a split second, it sounds acceptable, but then a little synapse pops and suddenly your head aches because it's SO FUCKING STUPID. Money never sleeps? Ohhhh, that's probably just because IT'S MONEY. You might as well call it: "Wall Street II: Cats Don't Play Jenga."

(or do they?)

5 min: Shia's in bed with Carrie Mulligan who is best known for creepily banging Peter Sarsgard (is there any other way) in An Education. She's Gordon's daughter. He's a preternaturally business-minded prodigy who's making an assload of cash. Like, Season Premier of The Biggest Loser assload.

6 min: David Byrne and Brian Eno did the soundtrack for Wall Street 2?? I can't imagine actively acquiring the Wall Street II Soundtrack.

8 min: It's definitely a problem that Wall Street: Money Rarely Naps can't exist without being compared to the original Wall Street because Shia's like a more hateable Charlie Sheen.

17 min: Shia owns and has been pushing a stock that's plummeting, but he refuses to give up on it. I know JUST how he feels-- I had to hang tough while my TWO shares of Chipotle stock plummeted from 130 to 70 a share. But look at it now: 230! All people are doing is eating burritos and playing on their iPads.

(Warning: Do not eat a burrito and then try dancing)

21 min: Josh Brolin's in this movie?? Was he NOT in a movie this past year?

23 min: I can't believe I'm having trouble understanding what's going on in Wall Street II: Money Stay-cations. Thanks a lot, creative writing degree.

27 min: Shia's investment firm had to be bailed out by the government after an extremely devestating week. They show his boss, who was rich, but is now broke, going into a subway station. "Oh, I see, they're showing how he has to take the subway now instead of a taxi because he's broke," I think. He has a confused expression on his face. "Oh, I see, it's been a while since he used the subway." He then charges forward and hops in front of the train. "Wow, it's been a REALLY long time since he's used the subway! He's really bad at it!" I think, and then realize he was committing suicide. Seriously guy, thanks for making everyone late. It's not like the 6 train is a hoot regularly.

29 min: Shia's now broke and getting married to Carrie Do-over. He goes to watch Gordon Gecko give a talk. Apparently, Gordon spent the last eight years in prison honing his financial humor. It's like going to see Bill Gates and hearing him open with, "More like 'Crapple,' am I right?"

38 min: "Oh, Money's a She, alright. She lies there at night, looking at you-- one eye open. Money's a bitch that never sleeps. And she's jealous and if you don't pay close, close attention, she might be gone forever." A few things here: 1) doesn't sleep, but still only keeps one eye open? That seems unnecessary, except that 2) If money doesn't sleep for 72 hours, it's legally insane. 3) Someone needs to tell Gordon Gecko about a savings account.

40 min: Shia is taking beef (see what I did there?) with whoever started the rumor which led to his mentor's downfall. He thinks it was Josh Brolin, so he's plotting revenge by causing a crash on one of Brolin's companies...or something like that. It sorta works and Josh Brolin offers him a job and he accepts so he can get closer to him.

46 min: Susan Sarandon is Shia's mom. Which I think means that Bull Durham is his father...

55 min: I wish Shia could TRANSFORM this movie into less of a piece of shit...

67 min: Shia's pushing this fusion energy company to some Chinese investors. He explains how the technology works, and, as far as I can tell, it's exactly the same as the Keanu Reeves/Morgan Freeman classic, "Chain Reaction." If I had to explain fusion technology I'd be like, "You push a button and the razor shakes."

71 min: BOOM!!! CHARLIE SHEEN CAMEO! I gotta be honest, it's all I've been hoping for since the movie started. And I'll tell ya, it's suuuper depressing. "Bud Fox" may have done the right thing in Wall Street, but he still looks like he's been arrested for numerous coked up incidents with prostitutes ever since.

74 min: "So easy even a cave man can do it, huh?" Gordon jokes about getting rich. Are they really referencing the Geiko Gecko? Not even Peter Dinklage could limbo under the bar Oliver Stone has set for this movie.

78 min: Carrie Mulligan always looks like she just farted and nobody else knows it yet:

85 min: The big stock market collapse happens, and we see a meeting with Josh Brolin and the feds discussing the bailout. "It's an economic Pearl Harbor," one commentator says, and I can't agree more. This movie is just as bad as the movie Pearl Harbor only it's about money.

86 min: Every time Oliver Stone is about to make a movie, he should stop and ask himself 1) Would this movie be better if Aaron Sorkin made it and 2) What if I just played Call of Duty instead?

90 min: I don't know how money does it-- I am exhausted!

98 min: Apparently, Carrie has 100 million in a Swiss bank that Shia didn't know about. Gordon wants him to have her sign the account over to Shia so Gordon can launder the money into the States for them. What do you think, is it a good idea, Mr. Peepers?:

105 min: As a character in a better movie said: "You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is, 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia.'" Instead of laundering the money and giving it to the fusion company like Shia expected, Gordon takes the money and runs, like everyone watching expected. Shia tells Carrie what happened and that he was hanging out with Gordon behind her back and lied to her so she kicks him out. Gordon starts a new investment firm in London. The most frustrating part is that I can't seem to find any sharp objects in this room to stab my eyes out with.

109 min: Easily the worst line I've heard in a long time. "Right now it is ugly times ugly-- and that's when the ugly get going." Yowzah. Who let Sling Blade edit the script? That line reads like the world's least creative madlib.

113: "See that's what you never got kid. It's not about the money, it's about the game. By which I mean the movie The Game, a vastly superior film to this movie, which makes G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra look like a work of cinematic brilliance."

118 min: Shia writes a story about how Josh Brolin and his firm did bad stuff-- honestly, I don't need to be more specific. Josh Brolin gets in trouble, but doesn't care, because he's starring in the remake of True Grit.

125 min: <---- THAT'S ONE-HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE: Gordon displays a moment of humanity and gives 100 million to the fusion company to make amends with Shia and Carrie. He wants to be a part of her life someday since she's having a baby (you can sell American babies for good money). Shia and Carrie get back together. Roll Credits. Fuck my life.

Sadly, no matter how many jokes I make about this movie, Life still has better comedic timing. Right after I finished watching, I flipped back to regular cable and saw this commercial, "What do you buy the guy who has everything? Wall Street II: Deluxe Edition. The Ultimate Gift." I imagine that if I bought Wall Street 2 for "The man who has everything," that man would open it and say, "The reason I have EVERYTHING ELSE and not Wall Street 2 is that it's fucking Wall Street 2. I'd have everything if I wanted it.

Wall Street 3: Money Spaces Out For a While,

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