Monday, December 13, 2010

Witz Pickz: Catching Up

Has it been a month already?? Whew! Time flies when you have crippling writer's block. Here's a rundown of what's gone on since I last posted:

We kept things simple this year-- my parents, my sister, and my grandma. It was much like any other family meal only this time, it was as if my mom asked, "Hey, for dinner tonight, I was thinking we could have 14 different things, how do you feel about that?"

"Can we all feel like we're gonna die afterward?"
"You bet."
"Well, then that sounds great. What's for dessert?"
"I was thinking pumpkin pie. And cheesecake."
"That sounds reasonable."
"Also, I was thinking we could have the same foods for the next five meals..."
"...I like it-- it's what I imagine homeless people would do if they finally got wealthy."

We then went and did exactly what the Pilgrims did after the first Thanksgiving-- we watched Avatar. That movie might be exactly like Ferngully and tell the most obvious, redundant lesson of all time, but I didn't get bored and the graphics WERE stunning. I could have done without the gross, maggot looking tail hook-up to achieve, ahem, "connection" with nature, but whatever. Oh, and I know I'm way behind on this one, but "unobtainium?" Shut your silly, CGI face. James Cameron definitely forgot to go back and "Find/Replace." Still, the best part was after watching the movie for three hours, we asked my Grandma what she thought. "Oh, I realllly liked it! Why was it called Avatar, though?"

So, what did I learn this Thanksgiving? That apparently, I'm the guy who, after eating a huge Thanksgiving meal at 4pm, looks around at 11pm and says, "I need dinner."

Black Friday:
My mom teaches English in an allegedly reputable middle school. Her student:

"Why do they call it 'Black Friday?' Shouldn't they call it 'African-American Friday?'"

It wasn't a joke. This is why we're all gonna die. As for myself, I spent African-American Friday doing a little shopping-- not so much because I needed anything, but because I like to remember how horrific humanity can be. "Now that we're all well fed from Thanksgiving, let's go trample each other so we can get a red Wii and fake bowl."

I hit up Best Buy because, "I can get things I ordinarily wouldn't have spent ANY money on for 45% off!!" and then went to Old Navy. With all the options out there and with limited time to shop, going to Old Navy on Black Friday really makes you stop and take a good look at yourself. Their pants are ordinarily, like, 30 bucks. Their shirts are maybe 20 bucks, and everything else tends to clock in around 10. I'm not saying it's shitty stuff, and I own more Old Navy than I'd like to divulge, but it's kind of like shopping The Salvation Army on yellow tag day. As I stood there, staring at the extremely long line, holding a 3 dollar ringer-tee (marked down from 6!) and a pair of 2 dollar boxers (marked down from 4!!), it suddenly struck me that I must have something more important to do. I put down the clothes and walked out to my car. I hopped in, started the engine, pulled out with purpose, took a deep breath of crisp New England air, and that's when it struck me: I had absolutely nothing more important to do. So, I went to Kohl's. Don't judge me.

I might not go to synogogue, I haven't been to a Passover seder in at least five years, and it may have felt weird and uncomfortable to wear a yarmulke* at my friend's wedding recently, but I spell "Chanukkah" with a "C" and two "K's" so BACK OFF, I'M JEWISH. I had told my girlfriend that for Chanukkah, we usually got seven crappy gifts and then one good gift on the last night, so, when we celebrated on the second night, she gave me a stick of Burt's Bees lip balm and a bar of chocolate. "Because you said you get crappy gifts for Chanukkah!" she explained sheepishly. The next day my sister IMed me: "For Chanukkah last night, Mom gave me a bag of chocolates and some chapstick." Amazing. Somebody owes somebody a coke.

Ironically, while the oil may have lasted eight days longer than those old men originally anticipated, our box of Chanukkah candles ran out with two days left.

*(A "ya-ma-ka" for those of you who immediately thought, "What the shit is a Yar-mul-kle!?")

Quotes-- I couldn't rob you of these gems:

"Here's a good call from Netflix: based on my interest in 30 Rock and The Office, they suggest....Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State. Second time they've suggested it. It goes: SNL, South Park, Auschwitz, Reno 911." -My Sister


"And to put that in perspective of how retarded I was at that age, that was the same time period when I read The Giver and it changed my fucking world. I remember being up at midnight, and I walked into my parents' bedroom and I said, 'Mom. I need to change my Life!!'...And then she asked if I wanted to play video games and I said yes, of course I did. I had the chance to make something of myself, and instead, I played the Blade Runner computer game. It was four discs and I never even got out of the apartment. Ya know what the worst part is? I hadn't even seen the movie! So, I had absolutely no context for this game!" -The Brilliant A.T.

All I Want For Christmas Is My Ability to Write Back...or Gran Turismo 5,

1 comment:

c8 said...

Love the Avatar review from Grandma - next time I want her to compare it, on a scale of 1 - 10, with Two and a Half Men.