Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Witz Pickz: Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repealed - The Implementation in Three Phases

The restrictive military policy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” was officially repealed this morning. We are told, however, that the change will not be immediate and may take up to several months to implement. In fact, the Pentagon has an 87-page implementation plan for over the next few weeks. I assume the plan is as follows:

Phase 1: Don’t Ask, Just Hint

A classic example of policy lagging behind practice, this step eliminates the legal grey area. While you still can’t ask someone if they are a homosexual or not, you are now legally allowed to hint that you might be. For example, men: Try saying things like, “You smell great today!” or, “You make beige look fashionable.” Maybe listen to Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift so that others can hear. You are also now free to tell another man that, “You have a pretty face,” memorize and perform a Justin Bieber dance in the shower, or say you, “Feel so bad for Britney,” as long as you laugh mightily afterward. As phase one progresses, after giving another soldier a congratulatory ass-slap, feel free to throw in a wink.

For the female enlistees, we recommend the same type of hinting. Tell another female that you really like her military haircut or let it be known that you had that haircut long before you enlisted. Start listening to The Cranberries whenever possible. Say things like, “I’m no military scientist, but I’ve always enjoyed experimenting,” or simply, “I think guns are awesome, but I also love the WNBA.” (Note: While it might seem counterintuitive, gay men should not use this line; loving the WNBA does not mean you’re gay, it means you’re a middle-aged white man).

Phase 2: Keep Hinting, Vaguely Inquire

The most crucial of the phases, it is imperative that while you keep hinting and begin to express curiosity in others, you do not simply put someone on the spot regarding their sexuality. Now, we understand that our military has its well-established culture that is proven to create bonding in the ranks, so we are by no means asking that you stop casually throwing around hateful slang like, “fag, dyke, or queer.” We’re simply saying that you should not add, “Are you a,” before them quite yet.

If you feel the need to ask if someone is a homosexual, ask peripheral questions instead, such as, “Hey, did you guys get the latest issue of Details?”, “Anyone want to go watch Charlie St. Cloud with that charming Zac Efron with me?” or, “How great is Dr. Phil?” While it might seem subtle, asking, “Would you have sex with Penelope Cruz even though you’re a female? Like for reals??” is still not allowed during Phase 2.

While these vague inquiries are now acceptable, we would continue to urge our gay military men and women to simply use their built in Gay-dar. For you heterosexual personnel, a military grade Gay-dar app is now available for your smartphones—OR, simply look around for someone playing “Angry Birds.” While the aforementioned strategies of deduction are now legal, we continue to urge subtlety. Remember: sometimes you don’t need to ask, you can just tell.

Phase 3: Fine-- Ask, Go ahead and Tell

As this phase begins, you will officially and legally be allowed to ask about another soldier’s sexuality and be open about your own. No more forced lying or secret-keeping and no more restrictive legal reprimands when it comes to your sexual orientation. So, go ahead, tell other people that you’re gay if that’s what you want to do. And hell, fine, ask someone about their sexual orientation if you must. As long as you fine men and women of our military continue to serve America and make us proud, we legally no longer care if you are heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual (at least until a heavily Republican Congress votes to pass a new bill). God Bless America.


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