In an amazing coincidence of circumstances, the google ad for Witz Pickz right now says, "Meet Gay Bear Singles: Meet Local Gay Bears Near You. 100% Free to signup." I'm laughing really hard for so many reason.
A) I'm questioning Google adwords for their logic and monitoring.
B) I'm worried that Google adwords is correct and that there actually is somebody paying them to advertise a gay bears singles website.
C) I want to click on it, but don't know what road it will lead me down or where that road might haunt me in the future.
D) In a less literal sense, it's calling the Chicago Bears gay.
E) In a more literal sense, they want me to signup to meet gay bears-- WHO ARE SINGLE.
F) They are not going to charge me to signup! I don't know about you, but if I"m a dude who needs to meet gay bears on the internet (apparently I don't have the social grace to meet them in person, or to find them in my area), I'm probably ok with paying a little bit. Or is it only free to SIGN UP, but once I meet the Gay Bear of my dreams, they're gonna charge me like crazy? I'll already be in too deep to say no (or my mouth will say no, but my wallet will say yes).
G) Does this mean that Paddington Bear was gay? Almost definitely, right? He wore a bright yellow rainhat everywhere and a long raincoat, but no pants. He was totally non-threatening and generally lived a sad and lonely life-- or at least a life of solitude and contentment.
H) What's the testing like with these animals. I mean, I don't want to stereotype, but for all I know diseases are running rampant through the gay bear population and I don't even know where I'd begin explaining to my parents that I got HIV from a slutty internet bear. "Oh, and it was a guy bear, too, by the way-- that's right, I'm gay for brown bears. And one night ruined the rest of my life, but you know what Mom and Dad? I don't care-- because I'm in love! That's right-- I've fallen for Ronald Ruxpin and that's that!"
I) Oh my god, "Teddy"?? "Teddy"?? How did I miss this.
J) Am I expected to pay for all of the dates with the gay bear single just because it doesn't exist in the same socio-economic world that I live in? If we can't handle something simple like splitting a check, how are we supposed to handle more difficult situations later on in life, like adopting children, or keeping me entertained during hibernation season?
K) I can't wait to find out how many hits my page gets from stray keyword searches because of this one.
SWM seeks SPB for dating and some fun-- picinic baskets provided,
Witz
P.S. There's another post below this one from today, so that out too. I probably won't post again until Tuesday...
Friday, September 07, 2007
Witz Pickz: Things Germany Got Right
Here are a few quick pickz from the ATX, land of the famous dry heat which nobody seems to think is a problem until they experience it. BUT ALSO THE LAND OF SONIC! WOOOOOOOO SONIC! COCONUT CREAM PIE SHAKES! GRILLLLLED CHEEESE SANDWHICHES!!! VANILLA CHERRY COKES-- well I guess Coke really screwed Sonic over on that front, but still-- SONNNNIIIIIIIIIIC!
Claussen Dill Pickle Spears/Halves: Going along with one of my readers' gmail chat message, these suckers are freaking GOOOOD. I don't remember exactly when I discovered them, but I know that they are the best pickles you can buy at a conventional grocery store. They aren't even in the pickle section-- they're in the refridgerator section, like with the cheeses and specialty products and meats. They pack so much crispness and flavor into them that I don't mind that they're lilke five bucks a jar. I mean, they have to pay for the refridgeration and probably pickling supplies unknown the common consumer. One of my favorite nights was in college when I (100% sober) purchased a jar of pickles and a tube of cookie dough. Sure, I got some looks from the cashier and yes, I did purchase "American Sweethearts" for five dollars to try and offset the weirdness (yeah, that didn't work), but it was one of the best feelings in the world to know that at 11pm, I could strut into a store and purchase two delectables and one embarrassable and walk out without fear of authoritative retribution (though pickles and cookie dough tend to provide retribution all on their own). If Claussen Pickles ran for President, I would seriously consider voting for them, but then probably vote for someone else-- but they'd have a shot.
Fried Zucchini/Pickles: Breaded and fried zucchini or pickles are also delicious. I found these at some German pubs as well as ski lodges and man do they taste good with some aioli dip (one of those words where one letter makes a world of difference, huh?). A lot of the times, they come with hush puppies, which are way better than the shoes would suggest-- they're fried corn meal...so they're healthy too!....right?
The Autobahn: I recently learned that a major highway in northern california was designed by the same guy who designed the autobahn in Germany. The edges incline slightly around turns so they're easier to take at full speed, etc. Only, see, it's America, so there's also, like a 60mph speed limit and TONS OF COPS. It makes no sense that they would have that guy design it, but I'm sure he, like most of us, is really disappointed by the lack of speed exhibited.
Go Big Or Go Home (you know, like, if you want),
Witz
Claussen Dill Pickle Spears/Halves: Going along with one of my readers' gmail chat message, these suckers are freaking GOOOOD. I don't remember exactly when I discovered them, but I know that they are the best pickles you can buy at a conventional grocery store. They aren't even in the pickle section-- they're in the refridgerator section, like with the cheeses and specialty products and meats. They pack so much crispness and flavor into them that I don't mind that they're lilke five bucks a jar. I mean, they have to pay for the refridgeration and probably pickling supplies unknown the common consumer. One of my favorite nights was in college when I (100% sober) purchased a jar of pickles and a tube of cookie dough. Sure, I got some looks from the cashier and yes, I did purchase "American Sweethearts" for five dollars to try and offset the weirdness (yeah, that didn't work), but it was one of the best feelings in the world to know that at 11pm, I could strut into a store and purchase two delectables and one embarrassable and walk out without fear of authoritative retribution (though pickles and cookie dough tend to provide retribution all on their own). If Claussen Pickles ran for President, I would seriously consider voting for them, but then probably vote for someone else-- but they'd have a shot.
Fried Zucchini/Pickles: Breaded and fried zucchini or pickles are also delicious. I found these at some German pubs as well as ski lodges and man do they taste good with some aioli dip (one of those words where one letter makes a world of difference, huh?). A lot of the times, they come with hush puppies, which are way better than the shoes would suggest-- they're fried corn meal...so they're healthy too!....right?
The Autobahn: I recently learned that a major highway in northern california was designed by the same guy who designed the autobahn in Germany. The edges incline slightly around turns so they're easier to take at full speed, etc. Only, see, it's America, so there's also, like a 60mph speed limit and TONS OF COPS. It makes no sense that they would have that guy design it, but I'm sure he, like most of us, is really disappointed by the lack of speed exhibited.
Go Big Or Go Home (you know, like, if you want),
Witz
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Witz Pickz: Extension Cords and Life Metaphors
Extension cords are tremendous. They are such a simple thing, but they allow freedom. They allow you to put things wherever you want in a room, regardless of if there's a socket there. They open up sockets for MORE electronics-- you can put two microwaves on ONE extension cord and then wonder at why in the hell you would ever have or need TWO MICROWAVES. BUT you can have them and use them and pretend that the one extension cord is like the lifeline, or the society of microwaves-- and if the microwaves don't behave properly (i.e. make you soggy bagel bites), you can pull that one cord out of the wall and pretend that you have just made your microwave colony extinct. You bastard.
Anyway, while I understand and lavish on the brilliance of extension cords, I never have one when I need one, but I always think I do. Somehow, at some point in my life, I realized that whenever I needed an extension cord and said the phrase, "Does anyone have an extension cord?" the answer was always "Yes, I think I do somewhere!" And without fail, I would end up with an extension cord. And so the other day when I needed to put something further away from a socket, I said, "I'll just get an extension cord," but I didn't have one. I searched everywhere, certain I had a bag of extension cords that have followed me from place to place, coast to coast, apartment to apartment. And yet I couldn't find it. Which resulted in my bafflement and ultimately, my not putting that thing quite so far away. Because here's another thing: I will never buy an extension cord.
I will never buy an extension cord nor do I know anyone who has ever bought an extension cord (no one has ever purchased or discussed the tobe purchased-ing of one in my presence). It's the type of thing I assume doesn't happen anymore. Back in 1950, a slew of extension cords must have been sold and the market was so inundated that they are no longer required on shopping lists. Everybody simple seems to HAVE one. Or KNOW somebody who HAS one. Buying an extension cord is like admitting you are alone in this world. You have no friends to help you out and you can't even talk to your neighbors. It is a fact that no two people who know each other need to use an extension cord at the same time-- if one exists, it will inevitably be available for use when needed. It must be tough times for extension cord dealers (and it's not like they have a lack of material to hang themselves with). And still, I will never buy an extension cord. It will not occur to me, nor will I see it reasonable to go to a store and purchase one. It is simply something that ought to exist.
This is how my life (and plenty of people I know) operates. I have a good idea (I want to put X there) and I think that people will want my idea, but it requires an extension cord. I could go to the store and acquire one, possibly having to go to several stores or compare various cords, but I won't. I expect that extension cord to be there already. To be in my closet, on my shelf, or in my car, waiting for me to need it. So that when I need it, when I have an idea and want to put something somewhere else-- when I want that freedom-- I can go over and acquire it without any hassle. I expect that extension cord to be mine by right, or at least, be mine because I deserve it for such a good idea I had of placing X over there (let's be honest, X probably equals two microwaves vying for supremacy in a bagel bite cooking competition). And even as my parents recount tales of how they had to go to the store to buy the extension cords themselves so that we could have extension cords, and our children can have extension cords, I see it as ridiculous. Why would I possibly want to go to the store for an extension cord, when there must be one around here somewhere?
Sometimes Metaphors That Work TOO Well Actually DON'T Quite Work,
Witz
P.S. I'm going to be out of town for about five days, so the posts might drop off, but be sure to check back in by the 12th if they do!
Anyway, while I understand and lavish on the brilliance of extension cords, I never have one when I need one, but I always think I do. Somehow, at some point in my life, I realized that whenever I needed an extension cord and said the phrase, "Does anyone have an extension cord?" the answer was always "Yes, I think I do somewhere!" And without fail, I would end up with an extension cord. And so the other day when I needed to put something further away from a socket, I said, "I'll just get an extension cord," but I didn't have one. I searched everywhere, certain I had a bag of extension cords that have followed me from place to place, coast to coast, apartment to apartment. And yet I couldn't find it. Which resulted in my bafflement and ultimately, my not putting that thing quite so far away. Because here's another thing: I will never buy an extension cord.
I will never buy an extension cord nor do I know anyone who has ever bought an extension cord (no one has ever purchased or discussed the tobe purchased-ing of one in my presence). It's the type of thing I assume doesn't happen anymore. Back in 1950, a slew of extension cords must have been sold and the market was so inundated that they are no longer required on shopping lists. Everybody simple seems to HAVE one. Or KNOW somebody who HAS one. Buying an extension cord is like admitting you are alone in this world. You have no friends to help you out and you can't even talk to your neighbors. It is a fact that no two people who know each other need to use an extension cord at the same time-- if one exists, it will inevitably be available for use when needed. It must be tough times for extension cord dealers (and it's not like they have a lack of material to hang themselves with). And still, I will never buy an extension cord. It will not occur to me, nor will I see it reasonable to go to a store and purchase one. It is simply something that ought to exist.
This is how my life (and plenty of people I know) operates. I have a good idea (I want to put X there) and I think that people will want my idea, but it requires an extension cord. I could go to the store and acquire one, possibly having to go to several stores or compare various cords, but I won't. I expect that extension cord to be there already. To be in my closet, on my shelf, or in my car, waiting for me to need it. So that when I need it, when I have an idea and want to put something somewhere else-- when I want that freedom-- I can go over and acquire it without any hassle. I expect that extension cord to be mine by right, or at least, be mine because I deserve it for such a good idea I had of placing X over there (let's be honest, X probably equals two microwaves vying for supremacy in a bagel bite cooking competition). And even as my parents recount tales of how they had to go to the store to buy the extension cords themselves so that we could have extension cords, and our children can have extension cords, I see it as ridiculous. Why would I possibly want to go to the store for an extension cord, when there must be one around here somewhere?
Sometimes Metaphors That Work TOO Well Actually DON'T Quite Work,
Witz
P.S. I'm going to be out of town for about five days, so the posts might drop off, but be sure to check back in by the 12th if they do!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Witz Pickz: A Day Off
Sorry for the no pick today, but I got about 3 real hours of sleep last night and have been completely out of it all day. Usually this helps the writing, but now it's past time when you folks work, so no post today. Think of it as a day of reflection, of a rest period. Has your neck been sore from reading? Massage it. Imagine those are the hands of Witz Pickz masseusing away your pains-- unless that is creepy for you, in which case, imagine the hands of some other blogger doing it. Not a celebrity, mind you, a blogger. Perhaps you've always imagined the hands of Bill Simmons working away your tenseness-- perhaps Ariana Huffington. Perhaps simply "Tad" or "Melody" or some other blogger.com blogger who has piqued your interest and then retreated into the confines of this mysterious world that we call The Internet.
Also, read Everything Bad Is Good For You.
Also, read How To Talk To A Widower
Also, read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
Also, eat tuna fish sandwhiches while you still can (as far as I know, nothing is going to happen to tuna fish sandwhiches, but see how I used my prose-ial wiles to boost suspense and intrigue? Hehehe, yeah, I've still got it.
WITZ!
Also, read Everything Bad Is Good For You.
Also, read How To Talk To A Widower
Also, read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
Also, eat tuna fish sandwhiches while you still can (as far as I know, nothing is going to happen to tuna fish sandwhiches, but see how I used my prose-ial wiles to boost suspense and intrigue? Hehehe, yeah, I've still got it.
WITZ!
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Witz Pickz: Wednesday Matinee
Clearly this week is mostly about rhyming with a significantly lower emphasis on content. But still, why not rejoice in the consistency of pickz and the glory of being able to count on a routine. Granted, in a week or so when I leave town for a few days, I'll shatter that routine and leave you crying, broken, and probably hungry (if you're anything like me) on the floor, but for now-- REJOICE! PICKZ ABOUND!
Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhich: I think I'm turning veggenese, I think I'm turning veggenese-- I've been substituting meat for other things a lot lately and I'm not proud of it. I don't know exactly what's going on, but what with the Neverending Overtly Menacing Sickness I've had for almost three months now, I'm trying to eat healthier. This led me to eat the unfathomably delicious El Guapo sandwhich at the unfathomably delicious sandwhich restaurant The Honey Hole in Seattle. Veggies and smoked gouda all baked tremendously together on a crisp roll-- so so good. I recently decided to try and match the experience without having access to the actual 'which. So I substituded a few ingredients to fit my budget and tastes and came up with Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhichz (silent z)! Here's what you do:
Ingredients:
-Tomato (sliced)
-Lettuce (Whatever kind you want)
-Mushrooms-Zucchini/Squash
-Cheese (Gouda or Fontina or Cheddar or Mozzarella)
-Red Pepper-Italian Bread or crunchy roll
-Italian Dressing or Ranch Dressing
Sautee:
-Zucchini/Squash cut into thin circular slices
-Mushrooms (cut into slices)
Bake at 350 (primarily because my oven doesn't go any higher):
-Cut bread and bake open halves with stuff on top
-Place cheese, tomato slices on one half
-Place lettuce and dressing on other half
-Bake for about 5 minutesPour sauteed veggies on top of tomato halfClose sandwhich
EAT IT DELICIOUSLY
Trust me, it's worth the money for the ingredients and will pay out a number of sandwhiches, not just one.
Gentleman Auction House: I just reviewed these guys for KZSU radio ("Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time) recently with fairly low expectations. I was blown away! These guys sound enough like Bright Eyes and The Arcade Fire and The Decemberists to fit nicely into a genre, but are extremely creative and have great lyrics. The EP "The Rules Were Handed Down" deals with themes of growing up and maturing, sometimes naturally, sometimes before one should have to, and sometimes not yet or never. There are tons of different instruments utilized in each song and they blend perfectly to construct an album with tremendous breadth and depth. Check them out on myspace.
Jonah Hill: Welp, I saw Superbad and loved it-- was intimidated by it's funny-- was inspired by it's writing and success. But I also saw "Accepted" (from the library-- remember?), which was less amusing, although Justin Long (my new fave awkward since Die hard 4) did a pretty good job of making unfunny material funny. The common link between the two movies was Jonah Hill-- you know, the overweight friend... Jonah has an incredible knack for timing and intonation and especially improvisation (yeah, I watched the outtakes and making of "Accepted"-- so what? I have a little time on my hands-- you should be jealous of me). He's not the usual "fat guy" funny sidekick. He steals movies. He doesn't steal movies in the way that Walmart suspects anyone of color to steal movies or like how people say downloading is stealing-- he takes the sidekick role and makes you want him to be the lead. When he's not onscreen, you are waiting for him to be onscreen. It's pretty cool and it turns out that HE was pretty cool growing up to, according to his time on Loveline where I was first introduced to him (oh yeah, right, I uh, lisen to Loveline sometimes still on my way home from things...THINGS..I do THINGS...and not just so I can hear Loveline!). So here's to Jonah Hill, who I wish a successful career and who should someday help me make a movie.
"A long hundred": My friend who writes over at The Wonder Yak and I were trying to figure out what a seven person group is called (answer: a septet-- we felt dumb after we found out) and inadvertently stumbled upon the fact that the number 120 is sometimes referred to (I have no idea by whom) as "A LONG HUNDRED." 20 is ONE-FIFTH of a hundred. What is the scenario where you have 1/5th more of something and feel like it's ok so it becomes a standard phrase (other than lunchmeat-- I'm a little tired of asking for 1/2 a lb of something and getting 3/4 of a lb. It happens so regularly that I now under order by about 1/4 in order to get the amount I wanted. Has the deli counter job lost that much specialization in the last ten years? And also, why's it called "lunchmeat?" Isn't it just meat that I can eat whenever the hell I feel like it?? This is why I make veggie sandwhiches)? And if we're going to accept a long hundred, shouldn't we say that 130 is a longer hundred? 140? Where does it stop? Is the opposite true? Is 80 a short hundred? I'd be pissed if I only got 80 of something when I ordered 100. Can I refer to my penis as "a short hundred"? If someone wants to tell me that 120 is a "long hundred" they at the very least need to use some friggen UNITS so I know what they're referring to. "A long hundred" of grains of rice is different from "a long hundred" of oncoming tanks. I wouldn't want to run "a long twenty-six" marathon, but I'd be ok running the "a long 100" meter dash. I can only hope that in this age of computers and global shipping, "a long hundred" is obsolete vernacular. I truly, truly hope.
A medium hundred posts and counting,
Witz
P.S. Seriously though, if you are even remotely capable, checkout my radio show, hear my soothing radio voice, and solve the mystery of Witz that has plagued you for so long.
"Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time
Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhich: I think I'm turning veggenese, I think I'm turning veggenese-- I've been substituting meat for other things a lot lately and I'm not proud of it. I don't know exactly what's going on, but what with the Neverending Overtly Menacing Sickness I've had for almost three months now, I'm trying to eat healthier. This led me to eat the unfathomably delicious El Guapo sandwhich at the unfathomably delicious sandwhich restaurant The Honey Hole in Seattle. Veggies and smoked gouda all baked tremendously together on a crisp roll-- so so good. I recently decided to try and match the experience without having access to the actual 'which. So I substituded a few ingredients to fit my budget and tastes and came up with Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhichz (silent z)! Here's what you do:
Ingredients:
-Tomato (sliced)
-Lettuce (Whatever kind you want)
-Mushrooms-Zucchini/Squash
-Cheese (Gouda or Fontina or Cheddar or Mozzarella)
-Red Pepper-Italian Bread or crunchy roll
-Italian Dressing or Ranch Dressing
Sautee:
-Zucchini/Squash cut into thin circular slices
-Mushrooms (cut into slices)
Bake at 350 (primarily because my oven doesn't go any higher):
-Cut bread and bake open halves with stuff on top
-Place cheese, tomato slices on one half
-Place lettuce and dressing on other half
-Bake for about 5 minutesPour sauteed veggies on top of tomato halfClose sandwhich
EAT IT DELICIOUSLY
Trust me, it's worth the money for the ingredients and will pay out a number of sandwhiches, not just one.
Gentleman Auction House: I just reviewed these guys for KZSU radio ("Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time) recently with fairly low expectations. I was blown away! These guys sound enough like Bright Eyes and The Arcade Fire and The Decemberists to fit nicely into a genre, but are extremely creative and have great lyrics. The EP "The Rules Were Handed Down" deals with themes of growing up and maturing, sometimes naturally, sometimes before one should have to, and sometimes not yet or never. There are tons of different instruments utilized in each song and they blend perfectly to construct an album with tremendous breadth and depth. Check them out on myspace.
Jonah Hill: Welp, I saw Superbad and loved it-- was intimidated by it's funny-- was inspired by it's writing and success. But I also saw "Accepted" (from the library-- remember?), which was less amusing, although Justin Long (my new fave awkward since Die hard 4) did a pretty good job of making unfunny material funny. The common link between the two movies was Jonah Hill-- you know, the overweight friend... Jonah has an incredible knack for timing and intonation and especially improvisation (yeah, I watched the outtakes and making of "Accepted"-- so what? I have a little time on my hands-- you should be jealous of me). He's not the usual "fat guy" funny sidekick. He steals movies. He doesn't steal movies in the way that Walmart suspects anyone of color to steal movies or like how people say downloading is stealing-- he takes the sidekick role and makes you want him to be the lead. When he's not onscreen, you are waiting for him to be onscreen. It's pretty cool and it turns out that HE was pretty cool growing up to, according to his time on Loveline where I was first introduced to him (oh yeah, right, I uh, lisen to Loveline sometimes still on my way home from things...THINGS..I do THINGS...and not just so I can hear Loveline!). So here's to Jonah Hill, who I wish a successful career and who should someday help me make a movie.
"A long hundred": My friend who writes over at The Wonder Yak and I were trying to figure out what a seven person group is called (answer: a septet-- we felt dumb after we found out) and inadvertently stumbled upon the fact that the number 120 is sometimes referred to (I have no idea by whom) as "A LONG HUNDRED." 20 is ONE-FIFTH of a hundred. What is the scenario where you have 1/5th more of something and feel like it's ok so it becomes a standard phrase (other than lunchmeat-- I'm a little tired of asking for 1/2 a lb of something and getting 3/4 of a lb. It happens so regularly that I now under order by about 1/4 in order to get the amount I wanted. Has the deli counter job lost that much specialization in the last ten years? And also, why's it called "lunchmeat?" Isn't it just meat that I can eat whenever the hell I feel like it?? This is why I make veggie sandwhiches)? And if we're going to accept a long hundred, shouldn't we say that 130 is a longer hundred? 140? Where does it stop? Is the opposite true? Is 80 a short hundred? I'd be pissed if I only got 80 of something when I ordered 100. Can I refer to my penis as "a short hundred"? If someone wants to tell me that 120 is a "long hundred" they at the very least need to use some friggen UNITS so I know what they're referring to. "A long hundred" of grains of rice is different from "a long hundred" of oncoming tanks. I wouldn't want to run "a long twenty-six" marathon, but I'd be ok running the "a long 100" meter dash. I can only hope that in this age of computers and global shipping, "a long hundred" is obsolete vernacular. I truly, truly hope.
A medium hundred posts and counting,
Witz
P.S. Seriously though, if you are even remotely capable, checkout my radio show, hear my soothing radio voice, and solve the mystery of Witz that has plagued you for so long.
"Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Witz Pickz: The Wonder Boy Review Submissions & Redemption Centers (No connection)
Alright cats and kittens (which is weird-- I always assumed that meant "ladies and gentleman" or "boys and girls", but "cats" are literally adult animals while "kittens" are children animals. So does the expression mean "adults and children" or does it mean "Guys and Girls?" Because if it means "guys and girls" but refers to the guys as adult and the girls as underage youths...well then, that expression is a little awkward.)...
...The time has come for The Wonder Boy Review to conclude it's submission gathering process for the next issue due out early October. For those of you unfamiliar, The Wonder Boy Review (or WBR) is the pseudo-literary independent magazine that I am co-creator/editor of. We have out two successful issues and are even more excited for this next one, which is looking to be even bigger and better than previous issues.
IF YOU would like to submit ANYTHING before the deadline for consideration, please do so. We are looking for PROSE, POETRY, ESSAYS (of all kinds, humor, business, etc), PHOTOS, PUZZLES, ETC...
THE DEADLINE is AUGUST 31st, but I will not actually be reading anything until I am on a plane September 5th, so for Witz Pickz readers only, if you get me something by SEPT 3rd, it will be considered. The WBR cannot compensate anyone for their accepted submissions at this time, but you will get exposure, a link back to the website or email of your choice, and the glory of being in on the ground floor of an un and coming magazine which is going to one day dominate the world and have Sudanese children telling stories of how The Wonder Boy Review delivered them from danger and provided them with interesting reading material and photos.
SO yeah, submissions wanted!
HERE'S A PICK:
Witz DOESN'T Pick: California Redemption Centers-- You know how cans say, "5 cents in ME, CT, MA, DE, CA and 10 cents in MI"? Well, I've never worried about the CA part before, but now it is relevant to my life, and I have inadvertently stumbled on a major American scam! They add 5 cents per can or bottle when you purchase sof drinks or alcohol, but then they DON'T HAVE ANY REDEMPTION CENTERS ANYWHERE! None of the local supermarkets have the redemption machines in them and when I looked up "redemption centers" nearby, there isn't one within 30 minutes of my largely populated location. They DO, however, have numerous recycling bins all over the place for you to recycle your cans-- BUT NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK! I don't believe for a minute (the short minute, not the really long minute that people haven't seen other people in) that people drive 30 minutes to recycle cans in order to get, like, 3 bucks back, especially with the cost of gas these days. So, my question is, who gets that money? Who gets to keep the money from the cans that aren't redeamed? The state? The store? If it's the store, there's no reason why they would put a redemption machine in, but if it's the state, that seems like a lotta math and changing of money going on. SOMEONE is coming up with hundreds of dollars of extra income and I want to know who. Is there some ridiculous Suburban Mafia running this thing? Do they work for Google? Can I get in on it, because it sounds like a great gig and frankly, that's more the type of "job" I'm lookin' for. If I disappear in the next day or two mysteriously (any disappearance at this point in my life would be mysterious. People don't just disappear from watching online television all day-- I go two places: the library and the supermarket-- CRAP! Now THEY KNOW. Anyway, if I disappear, please alert somebody to this theory.
Not Makin' Any Cents,
Witz
...The time has come for The Wonder Boy Review to conclude it's submission gathering process for the next issue due out early October. For those of you unfamiliar, The Wonder Boy Review (or WBR) is the pseudo-literary independent magazine that I am co-creator/editor of. We have out two successful issues and are even more excited for this next one, which is looking to be even bigger and better than previous issues.
IF YOU would like to submit ANYTHING before the deadline for consideration, please do so. We are looking for PROSE, POETRY, ESSAYS (of all kinds, humor, business, etc), PHOTOS, PUZZLES, ETC...
THE DEADLINE is AUGUST 31st, but I will not actually be reading anything until I am on a plane September 5th, so for Witz Pickz readers only, if you get me something by SEPT 3rd, it will be considered. The WBR cannot compensate anyone for their accepted submissions at this time, but you will get exposure, a link back to the website or email of your choice, and the glory of being in on the ground floor of an un and coming magazine which is going to one day dominate the world and have Sudanese children telling stories of how The Wonder Boy Review delivered them from danger and provided them with interesting reading material and photos.
SO yeah, submissions wanted!
HERE'S A PICK:
Witz DOESN'T Pick: California Redemption Centers-- You know how cans say, "5 cents in ME, CT, MA, DE, CA and 10 cents in MI"? Well, I've never worried about the CA part before, but now it is relevant to my life, and I have inadvertently stumbled on a major American scam! They add 5 cents per can or bottle when you purchase sof drinks or alcohol, but then they DON'T HAVE ANY REDEMPTION CENTERS ANYWHERE! None of the local supermarkets have the redemption machines in them and when I looked up "redemption centers" nearby, there isn't one within 30 minutes of my largely populated location. They DO, however, have numerous recycling bins all over the place for you to recycle your cans-- BUT NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK! I don't believe for a minute (the short minute, not the really long minute that people haven't seen other people in) that people drive 30 minutes to recycle cans in order to get, like, 3 bucks back, especially with the cost of gas these days. So, my question is, who gets that money? Who gets to keep the money from the cans that aren't redeamed? The state? The store? If it's the store, there's no reason why they would put a redemption machine in, but if it's the state, that seems like a lotta math and changing of money going on. SOMEONE is coming up with hundreds of dollars of extra income and I want to know who. Is there some ridiculous Suburban Mafia running this thing? Do they work for Google? Can I get in on it, because it sounds like a great gig and frankly, that's more the type of "job" I'm lookin' for. If I disappear in the next day or two mysteriously (any disappearance at this point in my life would be mysterious. People don't just disappear from watching online television all day-- I go two places: the library and the supermarket-- CRAP! Now THEY KNOW. Anyway, if I disappear, please alert somebody to this theory.
Not Makin' Any Cents,
Witz
Monday, August 27, 2007
Witz Pickz: The Monday Buffet
It’s early, but I want you have your picks before five over there on the east coast, so here are an assortment of pickz for you to choose from and delight in. I’m calling it the Monday Buffet, because I can’t imagine a business making any money off of a breakfast buffet on a Monday, and I’m not making any money doing this or anything else. But at least I got croissants.**
Trader Joe’s Vegetarian Masala Burgers: I picked these up because they were on sale and finally had one last night—delicious! Not overly flavorful or spicy, but they taste more like if India had invented latkes. I’m thinking they can be used as a breakfast food, and since nobody would see me eating them pre-lunch, I think I can get away with it.
The Mighty Oven: I never realized that I cared one way or another about an oven until I moved into this place and found myself wondering which A.D.D. worker they got to paint the numbers on the “temperature knob.” Because, you see, it only goes up to 350, and it shocked me to find out that apparently, someone didn’t forget to keep painting on the numbers up to 450, it simply DOESN’T GO THAT HIGH. REALLY??? How is that even possible? 90% of cooking requires 375 or above. I live in a pseudo-dorm, and my oven isn’t strong enough to heat up frozen pizza or bagel bites! Nor chicken tenders, nor frozen burritos. Who did they expect was going to live here? “Hi, I’m Bobby Flay, and I’m psyched to be getting a degree here at Expensive University. This year, we’ll be using the “outdoor grill” for most of our cooking, with the occasional pan-seared cod over the lopsided burners that force all the oil to one side of the pan, thereby making it nearly impossible to cook.” GIVE ME 450 DEGREES!
No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain: No, not the cooking show with Abigail Breslin and Aaron Eckhart in which the latter attempts to make up for an entire career of acting like a sleaze via this one role—I’m instead talking about the show on the Food Network. Anthony Bourdain is a guy who basically goes from place to place each episode and indulges in their culture—first their culinary stylings, and then, usually their entertainment. Always, he indulges in their local alcohol and that combined with the fact that he’s a number one d-bag lends to a tremendous show. Plus, since nobody speaks English half the time, he can be even more brazen and insulting and nobody has any idea what he’s saying, or at least they smile and act like they don’t. This has the dual effect of allowing him to say funny things, and to probably alienate our nation further from the graces of other cultures.
Intellekt and Dirty Digits – Intellektual Property: This new hip hop album from MC Intellekt and DJ/MC Dirty Digits is absolutely addictive. Two young, musically gifted guys from Atlanta, the album is packed with smooth turns of phrase, lyrical dexterity, and some of the better scratching and mixing I’ve heard in a long time. Plus, the whole album has a sense of humor to it, which makes it all the better. A lot of the songs feel nostalgic, and only a couple feel out of place and over the MC’s heads. Checkout Phenom Mental on Myspace. (part of the upcoming Witz Mix—you’ll see).
Jones Soda: Is nuts. They have the craziest damn flavors, but they all taste delicious. Their cream soda is one of the best tasting sodas I’ve ever had, and they have cool pictures on the label of each bottle. They even come in cans now, which I think takes away from some of it’s allure, but still, DELICIOUS! I don’t drink much soda these days, but I ALWAYS want one when I see that bottle on the shelf of a store.
That’ll be 5.99 please,
Witz
**I don’t actually have croissants—those suckers are like FIVE DOLLARS for 4-6 of them and it’s like paying to have “delicious fat” pumped into your system. Boy do they taste good though.
Trader Joe’s Vegetarian Masala Burgers: I picked these up because they were on sale and finally had one last night—delicious! Not overly flavorful or spicy, but they taste more like if India had invented latkes. I’m thinking they can be used as a breakfast food, and since nobody would see me eating them pre-lunch, I think I can get away with it.
The Mighty Oven: I never realized that I cared one way or another about an oven until I moved into this place and found myself wondering which A.D.D. worker they got to paint the numbers on the “temperature knob.” Because, you see, it only goes up to 350, and it shocked me to find out that apparently, someone didn’t forget to keep painting on the numbers up to 450, it simply DOESN’T GO THAT HIGH. REALLY??? How is that even possible? 90% of cooking requires 375 or above. I live in a pseudo-dorm, and my oven isn’t strong enough to heat up frozen pizza or bagel bites! Nor chicken tenders, nor frozen burritos. Who did they expect was going to live here? “Hi, I’m Bobby Flay, and I’m psyched to be getting a degree here at Expensive University. This year, we’ll be using the “outdoor grill” for most of our cooking, with the occasional pan-seared cod over the lopsided burners that force all the oil to one side of the pan, thereby making it nearly impossible to cook.” GIVE ME 450 DEGREES!
No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain: No, not the cooking show with Abigail Breslin and Aaron Eckhart in which the latter attempts to make up for an entire career of acting like a sleaze via this one role—I’m instead talking about the show on the Food Network. Anthony Bourdain is a guy who basically goes from place to place each episode and indulges in their culture—first their culinary stylings, and then, usually their entertainment. Always, he indulges in their local alcohol and that combined with the fact that he’s a number one d-bag lends to a tremendous show. Plus, since nobody speaks English half the time, he can be even more brazen and insulting and nobody has any idea what he’s saying, or at least they smile and act like they don’t. This has the dual effect of allowing him to say funny things, and to probably alienate our nation further from the graces of other cultures.
Intellekt and Dirty Digits – Intellektual Property: This new hip hop album from MC Intellekt and DJ/MC Dirty Digits is absolutely addictive. Two young, musically gifted guys from Atlanta, the album is packed with smooth turns of phrase, lyrical dexterity, and some of the better scratching and mixing I’ve heard in a long time. Plus, the whole album has a sense of humor to it, which makes it all the better. A lot of the songs feel nostalgic, and only a couple feel out of place and over the MC’s heads. Checkout Phenom Mental on Myspace. (part of the upcoming Witz Mix—you’ll see).
Jones Soda: Is nuts. They have the craziest damn flavors, but they all taste delicious. Their cream soda is one of the best tasting sodas I’ve ever had, and they have cool pictures on the label of each bottle. They even come in cans now, which I think takes away from some of it’s allure, but still, DELICIOUS! I don’t drink much soda these days, but I ALWAYS want one when I see that bottle on the shelf of a store.
That’ll be 5.99 please,
Witz
**I don’t actually have croissants—those suckers are like FIVE DOLLARS for 4-6 of them and it’s like paying to have “delicious fat” pumped into your system. Boy do they taste good though.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Witz Makes the Tough Pickz: Mountain Lion or Bear?
Alright, in conversation last night, conversation somehow stumbled into “Would your rather be mauled by a bear or a mountain lion?” I’m pretty sure I led the way to this question and may have even posed the question myself to the befuddlement of the group, but it’s still a viable question. I believe your location in the country effects your decision—I had never even considered Mountain Lions a threat until I moved out west. Suddenly, Bears don’t seem like such a big deal, whereas I previously had a big black bear walk across my front lawn. Granted, both maulings will more than likely result in death, but which would you prefer? Let’s take a look:
Bear: Massive and imposing—which works for and against you. On one hand, the bear is large and fast and dangerous and can destroy you in a single swipe. On the other hand, everyone understands that bears are big and fast and dangerous and can destroy you in a single swipe—there will be no question of whether or not you should have survived the bear attack. You would get some posthumous street cred. Also, I have a better feel of what I’m supposed to do if a bear sees me: Act small, “Get low” as the rappers say, and try not to pee myself (unrelated). Hopefully the bear goes away and you survive. There’s the added bonus that bears are wicked cool and awesome looking and it’d be neat to see one up close and if not mauled—perhaps nuzzled by one.
Mountain Lion: Small, lithe and muscular, but looks like a big cat. In this case, I feel the mountain lion is equally dangerous as the bear with their claws and speed and keen senses, only they aren’t as big and scary as bears so people wouldn’t quite understand how you got mauled by one. I mean, they look like cats, and you can fight off a cat, right? Even though people know mountain lions are dangerous, it’s more shocking that you got mauled by one, and might be funny—as would potentially hearing that someone got mauled by a bear. Really “mauled by” is the funny part. Anyway, I feel like mountain lions have an innate scent for meat that bears lack. Bears eat things, but they don’t seek out meat and flesh on a regular basis. Mountain lions, cougars, cheetahs, lions, they all do. Meat is meat is meat and they want it, want it, want it. So that freaks me out. Also, I’ve watched like twenty Man vs. Wilds and I still have no idea what I’m supposed to do if I’m spotted by a Mountain Lion. I’m pretty sure, “back away and then—“ but I don’t know the rest. If I come upon a mountain lion, I’m GOING TO BE MAULED BY A MOUNTAIN LION. Whereas with a bear, I feel I have a few seconds of potential survivalism. There is, however, the potential to get nuzzled by the cat before mauled, and that would still be pretty nice.
So I guess I would pick to be mauled by a bear, or at least to encounter a bear with potential for mauling. I’d probably die, but somehow I’d feel better about it. They can walk on two legs when they want to, and I had them as stuffed animals. There’d be no residual bitterness towards any house pets, whereas with a mountain lion, should I survive, I’d probably be pissed off at my cats. So Bear it is. For better or worse. Which would you rather get mauled by?
Mauled By Pandas (the slowest, cutest death of them all),
Witz
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Witz Pickz: Grey's Anatomy...aaaand Punching Myself In the Face
It couldn't have come to this-- I'm still young, I have my strength and my hea-- well, I have some strength and perseverance. But listen, when you're home, unemployed for longer than a couple weeks, television becomes your best friend. And when you don't get any channels on your television, DVD's become your best friend. And when you don't have a job to PAY for the DVD's (see how that works?), the LIBRARY becomes your mistress. Which is a long way of saying, "it's not my fault that despite my promises to never ever ever watch the show that is crappy and miserable and etc etc ended up in my car, then my apartment, and ultimately on my television."
I have watched the first two seasons of Grey's Anatomy and am currently doing whatever I can to see the third. And here's the thing-- it's NOT GOOD. IT'S NOT! AND EVERYONE SAYS THIS! Everyone says that Grey's is trash, but they can't stop watching it and it's true! It started out good, it really did-- the characters were new and interesting, medical things happened, and they got me all choked up in that "Seriously? This is what I'm finally gonna get choked up over? Not the cat dying? Not genocides in Africa?" kind of way.
But it has gone downhill. I watched as it slowly evolved from a PEOPLE drama/comedy to a RELATIONSHIP drama/comedy. Where open ended plotlines turned into redundant cycles of behavior. They sold out the men for the women, and it probably worked-- but I hate it. And possibly due to that fact, or perhaps independent of it, here is the biggest problem with the show: Very few of the main characters are likeable. Oh, they might have started likeable, but they have long since lost their charm. Izzie? She justifies everything by the fact that she came from nothing, worked hard to get to where she is despite being hot, and therefore can break every hospital regulation ever, including some very serious ones and get away with it, because she's a good person at heart, only she's confused. I want her in a jail cell next to the crack dealer with the same situation-- or let the crack dealer out, but come on! Then ya got Sandra Oh's character, who is really enjoyable when she shows emotions besides frustration and uptightedness, only that's her schtick. Patrick Dempsy aka McDreamy is a total douchebag who isn't charming or cute (basing this on other girls' opinions, too) when he's tormenting Meredith and acting like a self-involved prick with expectations that he deserves everything and everyone to like him. Then there's Meredith. I don't want to say that Meredith is the least likeable main character in the history of television, but she makes Al Bundy look like Bill Cosby. She's constantly complaining, whining, focusing on her problems, creating drama, cuckolding (FINALLY GOT TO USE IT!), bitching, moaning, getting her way, getting breaks and advantages over the other interns because of all these things, and she's not even attractive. She looks like she has ghosts in her, and those ghosts need to eat a little more food and maybe she'd stop complaining all the time. Are we supposed to care about Meredith? Do you? I'm watching because I have too much invested to quit-- I'll finish up season 3 and then turn it over to Private Practice where one of only three enjoyable characters on the show will be starring-- Addison Montgomery Shepperd-- McDreamy's wife who looks and acts like Felicity Huffman only she's ACTUALLY very attractive whereas Aaron Sorkin just wanted us all to believe she was very attractive in Sports Night, much in the same way he wanted us to BELIEVE that Harriet Hayes was some kind of comedic genius in Studio 60. Anyway, AMS (which sounds like a disease, but is just abbrev. for Addison Etc Etc...which is an abbreviation for Montgomery Shepperd), is a great character who actually has several emotions and can play all of them well. I doubt her show will be any good, but whatever, what do I have to do, right? The other characters on Grey's who provide some semblance of enjoyment are George O'Malley, the quirky, uncomfortable intern, and Alex Carev, the asshole intern with a heart of malleable silver. They both show an acting range and have some depth as characters other than "I'm hot, but used to be trashy!" or "I'm not hot, but everyone loves me." It baffles me that so many of the supporting cast was nominated or won awards.
So yeah, that's my Grey's Anatomy explanation. I'm not saying don't watch the show, I'm just saying be prepared. And be prepared to say you won't watch the show, and then will watch the show when circumstances arise. It did give us phrases such as, "Bomb in the body cavity" which is nice, and there are a lot of cameos via patients.
I Will Never Ever Ever Watch Desperate Housewives...Until I Do,
Witz
P.S. This corresponds to a book I just started called "Everything Bad For You Is Good," by Steven Johnson. I don't know enough about it to discuss, but will tell you about it in a future post. It essentially says that all the crappy culture that we think is making us dumber, is actually effecting us in ways that make us smarter-- I just don't know why yet.
I have watched the first two seasons of Grey's Anatomy and am currently doing whatever I can to see the third. And here's the thing-- it's NOT GOOD. IT'S NOT! AND EVERYONE SAYS THIS! Everyone says that Grey's is trash, but they can't stop watching it and it's true! It started out good, it really did-- the characters were new and interesting, medical things happened, and they got me all choked up in that "Seriously? This is what I'm finally gonna get choked up over? Not the cat dying? Not genocides in Africa?" kind of way.
But it has gone downhill. I watched as it slowly evolved from a PEOPLE drama/comedy to a RELATIONSHIP drama/comedy. Where open ended plotlines turned into redundant cycles of behavior. They sold out the men for the women, and it probably worked-- but I hate it. And possibly due to that fact, or perhaps independent of it, here is the biggest problem with the show: Very few of the main characters are likeable. Oh, they might have started likeable, but they have long since lost their charm. Izzie? She justifies everything by the fact that she came from nothing, worked hard to get to where she is despite being hot, and therefore can break every hospital regulation ever, including some very serious ones and get away with it, because she's a good person at heart, only she's confused. I want her in a jail cell next to the crack dealer with the same situation-- or let the crack dealer out, but come on! Then ya got Sandra Oh's character, who is really enjoyable when she shows emotions besides frustration and uptightedness, only that's her schtick. Patrick Dempsy aka McDreamy is a total douchebag who isn't charming or cute (basing this on other girls' opinions, too) when he's tormenting Meredith and acting like a self-involved prick with expectations that he deserves everything and everyone to like him. Then there's Meredith. I don't want to say that Meredith is the least likeable main character in the history of television, but she makes Al Bundy look like Bill Cosby. She's constantly complaining, whining, focusing on her problems, creating drama, cuckolding (FINALLY GOT TO USE IT!), bitching, moaning, getting her way, getting breaks and advantages over the other interns because of all these things, and she's not even attractive. She looks like she has ghosts in her, and those ghosts need to eat a little more food and maybe she'd stop complaining all the time. Are we supposed to care about Meredith? Do you? I'm watching because I have too much invested to quit-- I'll finish up season 3 and then turn it over to Private Practice where one of only three enjoyable characters on the show will be starring-- Addison Montgomery Shepperd-- McDreamy's wife who looks and acts like Felicity Huffman only she's ACTUALLY very attractive whereas Aaron Sorkin just wanted us all to believe she was very attractive in Sports Night, much in the same way he wanted us to BELIEVE that Harriet Hayes was some kind of comedic genius in Studio 60. Anyway, AMS (which sounds like a disease, but is just abbrev. for Addison Etc Etc...which is an abbreviation for Montgomery Shepperd), is a great character who actually has several emotions and can play all of them well. I doubt her show will be any good, but whatever, what do I have to do, right? The other characters on Grey's who provide some semblance of enjoyment are George O'Malley, the quirky, uncomfortable intern, and Alex Carev, the asshole intern with a heart of malleable silver. They both show an acting range and have some depth as characters other than "I'm hot, but used to be trashy!" or "I'm not hot, but everyone loves me." It baffles me that so many of the supporting cast was nominated or won awards.
So yeah, that's my Grey's Anatomy explanation. I'm not saying don't watch the show, I'm just saying be prepared. And be prepared to say you won't watch the show, and then will watch the show when circumstances arise. It did give us phrases such as, "Bomb in the body cavity" which is nice, and there are a lot of cameos via patients.
I Will Never Ever Ever Watch Desperate Housewives...Until I Do,
Witz
P.S. This corresponds to a book I just started called "Everything Bad For You Is Good," by Steven Johnson. I don't know enough about it to discuss, but will tell you about it in a future post. It essentially says that all the crappy culture that we think is making us dumber, is actually effecting us in ways that make us smarter-- I just don't know why yet.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Witz Pickz: Don't Be Reading How To Talk To A Widower to Gutterfly while Wirelessly Eating Your Flax with Margarine In the Hood
Here are some Wednesday pickz to keep the ball rollin':
How To Talk To A Widower by Jonathan Tropper: Author of The Book of Joe, another great book, is a very easy read, but entirely worth it if you're looking for something to read for fun that you can still feel respectable about. Jonathan Tropper is like the step-son of Nick Hornby, Michael Chabon, and Dave Eggers. He really wants to be in that crowd, and a lot of his writing reflects their tone and attitudes, however, he doesn't pack in enough grit and originality to make it quite to their level. So...well, he's kind of like me I guess. Crap. Anyway, How To Talk To A Widower follows Doug, whose forty year old wife died in a plane crash about a year ago, as he tries to move forward and deal with his grief. He's only twenty-eight, so the dynamic is interesting and I liked a lot of the ideas and characters. It was trite at times and a little obvious at others, but it also pulled you along and was easy to move through. Jonathan Tropper's specialty is apparently the idea of "30" and what your age means, so it was particularly logical for me to finish it yesterday. Definitely an easy, good read if you have the time, and yes, ladies, it's a bit trashy.
Lifesavas - Gutterfly: The Portland, Oregon trio released their second album and because all rappers think they'd be incredible filmmakers, it is a concept album-- the soundtrack to a movie that doesn't exist. Taking place in Razorblade City (Portland), the three assume numerous personas and characters to go through a narrative. The tracks are good and some are very catchy, but I wouldn't put much stock in the storytelling aspect of the album. It's an interesting album, though, and in the way that I believe David Bowie described seeing The Killers as, "the history of rock and roll in front of his eyes", Lifesavas incorporates all styles of hip-hop, funk, and soul. Definitely worth a listen.
Wireless Video Game Controllers: I don't think people made enough of a big deal about this when it happened. First, there were wireless keyboards and mice. THEN, wireless PS2 and XBOX controllers. Now, it's the norm for PS3 and XBOX360, and nobody seems to verbalize how straight up cool that is. Here's another thing-- apparently, and I just learned this, PS3 has the exact same "axis motion" sensor that the Wii is based on. In some games, simply turning your remote is a function. So, if PS3 has the SAME EXACT abilities as a Wii (and without the obvious motion sensor on top of the tv), how come they don't come out with games that utilize it to its full extent and run the Wii crowd right out of business?? PS3 has way better games and graphics than the Wii and is ultimately about the same price (Wii is cheaper, but each remote with nunchuck attachment used in many games, is 80 DOLLARS-- so for a system of 4 people, it costs like 300+240+games, vs. the PS3's price of about 400-600 dollars). I would buy a PS3 in a second if it had both capabilities.
Flax: Flax is big right now and I just want to throw in my hat and say, "I'm not so sure." I don't know all of what it does for you or what it's supposed to do for you, but I haven't heard any downsides to consuming extra flax, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Consuming any product en masse cannot be healthy, although I'm basing that mostly on my Chocolate and Gatorade addictions of the mid 90's (did you know that drinking Gatorade regularly ultimately leaves you dehydrated and prone to blacking out?? I now do). Anyway, we'll see in time, but I just want to let you all know that I'm not sold just yet.
Margarine: Much like the wireless controllers, but in reverse, I don't think we made a big enough deal about how WRONG we were about margarine. Everyone hailed margarine as this great thing and it changed our economy, etc (it was cheaper than butter and allowed middle and lower economic families to buy it), it was probably one of the greatest health eff-ups in a while. Once trans fat was found to exist, margarine became one of the worst products in the world. Everybody swears off margarine now, but nobody has made enough of a deal over HOW BADLY THEY MESSED UP. Are there people in the margarine industry just sitting in abandoned warehouses, spinning on their one remaining desk chair, wondering what went wrong? P.S. Super thanks to my Grandma for giving me the straight up "Butter vs. Margarine" test when I was little. "I didn't get it, lemme try it again!" when I was 8 has to have translated directly into about 30 lbs and higher blood pressure today.
Rollin' on...Wheels...Of Some Kind,
Witz
How To Talk To A Widower by Jonathan Tropper: Author of The Book of Joe, another great book, is a very easy read, but entirely worth it if you're looking for something to read for fun that you can still feel respectable about. Jonathan Tropper is like the step-son of Nick Hornby, Michael Chabon, and Dave Eggers. He really wants to be in that crowd, and a lot of his writing reflects their tone and attitudes, however, he doesn't pack in enough grit and originality to make it quite to their level. So...well, he's kind of like me I guess. Crap. Anyway, How To Talk To A Widower follows Doug, whose forty year old wife died in a plane crash about a year ago, as he tries to move forward and deal with his grief. He's only twenty-eight, so the dynamic is interesting and I liked a lot of the ideas and characters. It was trite at times and a little obvious at others, but it also pulled you along and was easy to move through. Jonathan Tropper's specialty is apparently the idea of "30" and what your age means, so it was particularly logical for me to finish it yesterday. Definitely an easy, good read if you have the time, and yes, ladies, it's a bit trashy.
Lifesavas - Gutterfly: The Portland, Oregon trio released their second album and because all rappers think they'd be incredible filmmakers, it is a concept album-- the soundtrack to a movie that doesn't exist. Taking place in Razorblade City (Portland), the three assume numerous personas and characters to go through a narrative. The tracks are good and some are very catchy, but I wouldn't put much stock in the storytelling aspect of the album. It's an interesting album, though, and in the way that I believe David Bowie described seeing The Killers as, "the history of rock and roll in front of his eyes", Lifesavas incorporates all styles of hip-hop, funk, and soul. Definitely worth a listen.
Wireless Video Game Controllers: I don't think people made enough of a big deal about this when it happened. First, there were wireless keyboards and mice. THEN, wireless PS2 and XBOX controllers. Now, it's the norm for PS3 and XBOX360, and nobody seems to verbalize how straight up cool that is. Here's another thing-- apparently, and I just learned this, PS3 has the exact same "axis motion" sensor that the Wii is based on. In some games, simply turning your remote is a function. So, if PS3 has the SAME EXACT abilities as a Wii (and without the obvious motion sensor on top of the tv), how come they don't come out with games that utilize it to its full extent and run the Wii crowd right out of business?? PS3 has way better games and graphics than the Wii and is ultimately about the same price (Wii is cheaper, but each remote with nunchuck attachment used in many games, is 80 DOLLARS-- so for a system of 4 people, it costs like 300+240+games, vs. the PS3's price of about 400-600 dollars). I would buy a PS3 in a second if it had both capabilities.
Flax: Flax is big right now and I just want to throw in my hat and say, "I'm not so sure." I don't know all of what it does for you or what it's supposed to do for you, but I haven't heard any downsides to consuming extra flax, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Consuming any product en masse cannot be healthy, although I'm basing that mostly on my Chocolate and Gatorade addictions of the mid 90's (did you know that drinking Gatorade regularly ultimately leaves you dehydrated and prone to blacking out?? I now do). Anyway, we'll see in time, but I just want to let you all know that I'm not sold just yet.
Margarine: Much like the wireless controllers, but in reverse, I don't think we made a big enough deal about how WRONG we were about margarine. Everyone hailed margarine as this great thing and it changed our economy, etc (it was cheaper than butter and allowed middle and lower economic families to buy it), it was probably one of the greatest health eff-ups in a while. Once trans fat was found to exist, margarine became one of the worst products in the world. Everybody swears off margarine now, but nobody has made enough of a deal over HOW BADLY THEY MESSED UP. Are there people in the margarine industry just sitting in abandoned warehouses, spinning on their one remaining desk chair, wondering what went wrong? P.S. Super thanks to my Grandma for giving me the straight up "Butter vs. Margarine" test when I was little. "I didn't get it, lemme try it again!" when I was 8 has to have translated directly into about 30 lbs and higher blood pressure today.
Rollin' on...Wheels...Of Some Kind,
Witz
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Witz Pickz: Monumental Days!
Like the girl you didn’t “officially” start dating because things were complicated at the time, today is the KINDA 100th POST on Witz Pickz! You see, I don’t think I can count my “Mission Statement” post, and my sister posted once as Switz about photography, which makes this, the 102nd post on the blog, the SORTA 100th post on the blog! HAPPY 100th (*102nd) POST E’ERBODY! Completely unintentionally, it also happens to fall on another celebrated numerical figure—my birthday. And trust me, this was not on purpose. Several months back when I saw 100 approaching, I did some quick math and figured that I would hit 100 just around July 20th. And look, ONLY A MONTH LATE! The fact that it’s my birthday is both fortuitous and unfortunate. You see, it gives me a very clear idea of how many posts I’ve written since my last birthday.
There have been about 75 posts since last August 20th—which doesn’t seem that long ago. Remember “Office Blackmail”??? I’m still emotionally recovering from that encounter. Anyway, as far as I’ve been told (I’ve never counted and I don’t believe any of you have either), there are 365 days in a year. I wrote 75 days out of the 365, which doesn’t seem so good. SO, here is a better comparison: It took the people in Around the World in 80 Days EIGHTY DAYS to fly around the world in a balloon. I posted approximately one post per day of their flight AROUND THE WORLD. Now, by taking the transitive property and twisting it slightly, just enough to make it incorrect, but not too much, so it’s still believable—that means that I potentially flew around the world in one year! AND for every one day of their flight around the world, I wrote 25% of a post. Since each post contains approximately 3 references or “Pickz”, I’ve pretty much flown around the world at the same rate as the fictional characters in that book/movie…is all I’m saying…gimme a break, this is the 100th POST!
So thank you all for being here during the 100, and keep on comin’ back for more. Here is my Pick for the Day:
Neurotic Library Strategy: When you’re in the library, as I am sometimes, and acquire books, movies, music, etc., I find myself constantly worrying about what the librarian will say (either someone is going to be checking out my materials…so to speak…or they have to remove the little yellow Lock thingies on the movies) when they see what I’m getting. SO, I constantly find myself picking up books I know I’m never going to read to accommodate the books/movies that I know I will read/watch. I’ve checked out one or more David Foster Wallace books numerous times to counter balance my acquisition of McCauley Culkin’s book, or a Orson Scott Card novel (although all of the Ender series is amazing). I’ve had to rent Schindler’s List like six times because I also wanted to watch Season Two of Lost or Season One of Invasion. Since being in California with some time on my hands, I’ve had to use these learned skills to balance out one of the tougher pickups—Grey’s Anatomy (Pick Pending). To counteract getting Grey’s Anatomy, when it is in the HOLDS section of the library, one must also rent the following, “49 Up,” any Jim Jarmusch film, and, if possible, “400 Blows,” or another French new wave director. And yet, nothing prepared me for what I somehow did the other day. I picked up some movies that just looked dumb, but free. Maybe I wanted to watch em, but at least I wasn’t paying for them. Then I got some CD’s, and finally The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon which I’m very excited about. Only, I misjudged my complete collection when I got to the checkout lady and I knew I was screwed as the names of the movies came out: Accepted (the movie with the Mac kid about making up a new fake college—I liked Camp Nowhere when I was younger, so gimme a break), Gridiron Gang (fooball in jail movie starring The Rock), Beer League (softball movie, which speaks for itself, but was talked about a lot while playing softball), and finally, Bill and Ted’s Non-Bogus Disc (all the special features and documentary from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which is a fantastically written movie). I tried to point out that it was “Not-Bogus” but the woman didn’t care. I saw her flick her eyes up at me and there was no more respect in them. It also didn’t help when the next CD that came up was “The Average White Band’s Greatest Hits.” Crap. When she got to the book, I knew I had one last chance to act:
Me: Did you read that yet? (Subtext: See, I read!)
Her: My husband did. (Subtext: He’s unemployed like you must be—only in his case, it’s retirement)
Me: I really love Michael Chabon, but I feel like this one could go either way (See, I read a lot and can speak on the subject!)
Her: I’m sure it’ll be fine (I’m sure you have all the time in the world to read it because you’re unemployed and even if you read at the snail’s pace that your movie selection would suggest, it’s not really that big a concern, now is it?)
Me: Yeah, thanks. (Whatever lady, you work at a library— also, you’re mostly right)
So now I have to run up some fines on Infinite Jest in the hopes of having her see my extensive “Checked Out” list which includes all kinds of legitimate novels and films that aren’t horribly embarrassing (a lot of those Pickz coming soon, too).
So that’s how it goes, library strategies are extremely important and it only takes one mistake to ruin a good library relationship.
Thanks again for the last 100, and looking forward to the next,
Witz
PS. I failed to mention in yesterday's post that Bruce Campbell is in Burn Notice. The reason I forgot to mention it is because he plays the least Bruce Campbell type character ever, and they don't take advantage of any of his Bruce Campbell-ness. It's a shame, but the man really hasn't done much work and can probably use the money.
There have been about 75 posts since last August 20th—which doesn’t seem that long ago. Remember “Office Blackmail”??? I’m still emotionally recovering from that encounter. Anyway, as far as I’ve been told (I’ve never counted and I don’t believe any of you have either), there are 365 days in a year. I wrote 75 days out of the 365, which doesn’t seem so good. SO, here is a better comparison: It took the people in Around the World in 80 Days EIGHTY DAYS to fly around the world in a balloon. I posted approximately one post per day of their flight AROUND THE WORLD. Now, by taking the transitive property and twisting it slightly, just enough to make it incorrect, but not too much, so it’s still believable—that means that I potentially flew around the world in one year! AND for every one day of their flight around the world, I wrote 25% of a post. Since each post contains approximately 3 references or “Pickz”, I’ve pretty much flown around the world at the same rate as the fictional characters in that book/movie…is all I’m saying…gimme a break, this is the 100th POST!
So thank you all for being here during the 100, and keep on comin’ back for more. Here is my Pick for the Day:
Neurotic Library Strategy: When you’re in the library, as I am sometimes, and acquire books, movies, music, etc., I find myself constantly worrying about what the librarian will say (either someone is going to be checking out my materials…so to speak…or they have to remove the little yellow Lock thingies on the movies) when they see what I’m getting. SO, I constantly find myself picking up books I know I’m never going to read to accommodate the books/movies that I know I will read/watch. I’ve checked out one or more David Foster Wallace books numerous times to counter balance my acquisition of McCauley Culkin’s book, or a Orson Scott Card novel (although all of the Ender series is amazing). I’ve had to rent Schindler’s List like six times because I also wanted to watch Season Two of Lost or Season One of Invasion. Since being in California with some time on my hands, I’ve had to use these learned skills to balance out one of the tougher pickups—Grey’s Anatomy (Pick Pending). To counteract getting Grey’s Anatomy, when it is in the HOLDS section of the library, one must also rent the following, “49 Up,” any Jim Jarmusch film, and, if possible, “400 Blows,” or another French new wave director. And yet, nothing prepared me for what I somehow did the other day. I picked up some movies that just looked dumb, but free. Maybe I wanted to watch em, but at least I wasn’t paying for them. Then I got some CD’s, and finally The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon which I’m very excited about. Only, I misjudged my complete collection when I got to the checkout lady and I knew I was screwed as the names of the movies came out: Accepted (the movie with the Mac kid about making up a new fake college—I liked Camp Nowhere when I was younger, so gimme a break), Gridiron Gang (fooball in jail movie starring The Rock), Beer League (softball movie, which speaks for itself, but was talked about a lot while playing softball), and finally, Bill and Ted’s Non-Bogus Disc (all the special features and documentary from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which is a fantastically written movie). I tried to point out that it was “Not-Bogus” but the woman didn’t care. I saw her flick her eyes up at me and there was no more respect in them. It also didn’t help when the next CD that came up was “The Average White Band’s Greatest Hits.” Crap. When she got to the book, I knew I had one last chance to act:
Me: Did you read that yet? (Subtext: See, I read!)
Her: My husband did. (Subtext: He’s unemployed like you must be—only in his case, it’s retirement)
Me: I really love Michael Chabon, but I feel like this one could go either way (See, I read a lot and can speak on the subject!)
Her: I’m sure it’ll be fine (I’m sure you have all the time in the world to read it because you’re unemployed and even if you read at the snail’s pace that your movie selection would suggest, it’s not really that big a concern, now is it?)
Me: Yeah, thanks. (Whatever lady, you work at a library— also, you’re mostly right)
So now I have to run up some fines on Infinite Jest in the hopes of having her see my extensive “Checked Out” list which includes all kinds of legitimate novels and films that aren’t horribly embarrassing (a lot of those Pickz coming soon, too).
So that’s how it goes, library strategies are extremely important and it only takes one mistake to ruin a good library relationship.
Thanks again for the last 100, and looking forward to the next,
Witz
PS. I failed to mention in yesterday's post that Bruce Campbell is in Burn Notice. The reason I forgot to mention it is because he plays the least Bruce Campbell type character ever, and they don't take advantage of any of his Bruce Campbell-ness. It's a shame, but the man really hasn't done much work and can probably use the money.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Witz Pickz: Assault On LoneGirl15 (But Not The Illegal Kind)
Alright—it’s one day before my birthday and it’s time for me to make my push. LonelyGirl15 is just sitting there above me on the Scale O’ Life and it’s time I took charge and did somethin’ about it. Special Thanks to Diana for this realization, and for one upping the “Leave A Comment” request I’ve made by doing the “Calling Me Out On the Telephone” communication. So here are a bunch of pickz to get your week started right:
The Improbable Adjustment of Sandals: I bought 10 dollar (Ok, Ok, $7.50) sandals from Old Navy and left the store. I assumed that they would be effective—then I put them on. HOLY CRAP. Wearing these sandals was like riding a wild horse; the leather strap between my Big Toe and my…next to big toe (I think we need to rethink the whole “names of toes” thing. The “Big Toe” is big, but the one next to it is actually taller. I think we need to give the title of Big Toe to the second toe and give the former “Big Toe” the more accurate title of “The Choad Toe.” Other toes can be referred to as “Useless” and/or “Stabilizers” up until the “Baby Toe” who I also call, “The Toe Who’s Nail Grows Freakishly Long In Comparison To Other Toes.”)……even I couldn’t track back to before those parentheses….anyway, the leather strap between the two toes cut violently into my soft flesh, making every step a painful painful journey. I had to keep switching the positioning of my foot just to not saw a deep gash into my foot. And then, after several wears, almost without notice, something changed. The horse let me ride it without bucking or attempting to hurt me. The sandals became comfortable, and now, I am indeed capable of riding these $7.50 sandals without any pain at all. They have been broken.
Sub Pick: The Urban Dictionary: I just looked up “choad” on Google to see how it is spelled and found the Urban Dictionary. Check out the bluntness of some of the latter entries and understand why the Urban Dictionary is amazing.
The Tremendous Effects of Pushup Grips: Pushups suck. They just do. If you can do them, which many can’t, they hurt your wrists, your fingers, and a lot of the time your shoulders. Sometimes pain is good with workouts, but other times it’s not. In this case, I went to Sports Authority and purchased pushup “grips/stands” for twelve bucks. They are slightly elevated handlebars basically that let you grip instead of flattening your wrists, and you can then push without pain or undue stress on your shoulders and wrists. Also, it lets you do some decline pushups so your chest can get an even better workout. Brilliant.
The Shocking Resiliency of Bagel Bites: They’ve been around forever and yet no matter what happens, they stick around in the freezer section of every supermarket. They have microwave instructions, toaster instructions, and oven instructions. In the microwave, they’re mushy, BUT DELICIOUS. In the toaster, they’re more crispy, BUT DELICIOUS, and in the oven, they are crispy AND TOTALLY DELICIOUS! Do you think Tacquitos are going to have this kind of staying power? Not a chance.
The Addictive Nature of Above Average Television: I started watching Burn Notice and now I can’t stop. I don’t even think it’s THAT good a show, it’s just that the main character is so damn affable and has such good expressions and one-liners that I don’t see why I wouldn’t keep watching. It’s about a US Spy who gets a burn notice from the CIA, meaning that he is no longer affiliated and is totally on his own. Also, all of his bank accounts are frozen and he’s basically effed. Which leads to the, honestly, really odd plot of him solving minor cases every week using his skills to acquire some money or payment, while he also gets slightly closer to the final solution of who burned him and why. The show is on
Monday Before Noon (for me)!,
Witz
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Witz Pickz: Danny Ainge and Snakes On A Plane (THE FINAL WORD)
Sorry for the delay between posts, but due to a comment on this blog, I was forced to take the last week and a half and consider whether or not I am, in fact, similar to Andy Rooney. As one reader to go nameless suggested, in my Andy Rooney post, I pulled an Andy Rooney. First of all, I have my fingers crossed that after typing HIS name three times, he will not appear in my living room and start ruining my life. Fingers still crossed, I will say that in response to said comment, another friend/reader told me, "Andy Rooney is like 'Witz DOESN'T Pick' EVERY SINGLE WEEK." This was meant to be uplifting. And so I was forced to ponder the intricacies between me and The Name We Dare Not Speak (can I use that still or did Harry Potter cop it?). Obviously, I had to turn to Google Analytics for answers. As it turns out, Andy Rooney is held aloft by the other 56 of the 60 minutes. Real stories of interest support him like those little arm and leg buoys children are forced to wear into pools. Andy Rooney is essentially a big baby, meaning if the buoys come off, Andy Rooney drowns a horrible pool death while numerous onlookers do nothing-- he is an ugly ugly baby. Witz Pickz on the other hand is supported by nothing-- there is no reason for anyone to be here unless they want to (unless they searched for "lever 2000" or "pussey" as confirmed by Google Analytics). Statistics show that of the people who come to this blog, only 5% come once, while over 60% have now been here between 200+ times. That's called brand loyalty. My readers are loyal, and once I have you hooked, you'll keep coming back for more. I respect that, and I thank you for it. It also places me ahead of Andy Rooney on the Scale of Life. Let's take a look at that scale now, shall we?
SCALE OF LIFE:
1) George Clooney
2) Will Smith
3) Oprah Winfrey
4) Tom Brokaw
5) Martha Stewart
....
....
....
2,304,001) Jared Leto
....
....
4,304,059,673) Andy Milonakis
....
....
5,708,345,345) LonelyGirl15
5,708,345,346) Witz Pickz
5,708,345,347) Andy Rooney
....
....
....
....
6,350,302,023) Small Child making shoes in Pakistan
HEY! I'm doin' alright! with Andy Rooney in my rear-view, I have my sights on LonelyGirl15 and it's only a matter of time. Look out Andy Milanakis-- although it's entirely unclear how you got to where you are, Aziz Ansari (www.azizisbored.com) is fast on your ass with his crappy MTV show Human Giant and in no time, you and Andy Rooney will have interactions far more hilarious than either one of you alone. Actually-- wow, that's a great concept for a sitcom: "Living With Andy," the show where Andy Rooney is forced to take care of his grandson Andy Milonakis after the child's father, Andy Richter, skips town to go live his dream as a Sea World dolphin trainer. Think of all the hilarious possibilities. (I, Witz, am hereby claiming and stating this idea, 8/8/07 at 2:11 PST, and if anything remotely similar appears in the next few months, I will sue the shit out of whoever it is and then promptly shoot myself in the face.)
Anyway, I guess I have to pick some stuff, so here's a couple that I'll try and make funny for you!
Danny Ainge: As far as I can tell (I'm not big into knowledge of the NBA), Danny Ainge is the GM of the Boston Celtics, a team which although stationed in Boston, has never been able to grab my interest. I prefer watching college basketball and March Madness where guys who aren't 7'2 make tremendous plays that will stay in the minds of their teammates and college fans forever-- where anybody can be a hero. This probably appeals to me because I'm 5'10, can't dunk, have about a 3'' vertical, and other than the occasional three pointer, am mostly known for my "hustle" on the court. On the upside, I can hit free throws, which is apparently exceedingly difficult (although nobody is waving shit behind the hoop while I take them). Anyway, in a matter of months, I have become a huge Celtics fan and am ridiculously excited for the coming NBA season. It might be easy to say that I'm a fairweather fan or a bandwagon fan, and while that might be true, here's why I'm so excited. 1) Ray Allen-- Ray Allen is my favorite college basketball player of all time. I loved him on UConn, I got excited to see him as a Sonic, and now am overjoyed to see him on the Celtics. He might be past his prime, but he's ridiculously clutch and so much fun to watch. PLUS, he was in He Got Game. Jesus has arrived in Boston. 2) Kevin Garnett-- I really don't know much about KG other than the little I've seen of him. In this case though, I do know that he's really really good and I'm excited to have an All-Star on the squad. 3) Paul Pierce-- Didn't leave town somehow to get these other players. He's got that nice guy thing going to and is great on the court. 4) Reggie Miller-- There are currently rumors that Reggie Miller, my favorite basketball player of all time will come out of retirement at 43 to play for the Celtics. He wouldn't play much, but just seeing him there and hearing his name would make me pay for whatever stupid cable channel broadcasts NBA games. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller, and Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge has already made 3 of them happen, and might just get Reggie too. Thank you for giving me a reason to waste more of my life on professional sports. Even if the refs cheat, they'll probably be cheating FOR the Celtics, since they've been terrible the last X number of years (where X = my complete lack of NBA knowledge). For more on these happenings and another amusing way of looking at the acquisitions, go to THIS BLOG! (esp if you like Seinfeld, sports, or the Yankees)
Snakes On A Plane: THE FINAL OPINION! After many mentions and variances, I can finally lay down a solid opinion of SOaP. I watched it last weekend on a big screen TV with two friends and some 7&7's, and IT WAS FANTASTIC. It was overdone, with appropriate cameos/casting, and treated itself like a movie, but not one without it's own sense of humor. When a snake goes in the microwave (and I don't know if you could see this in real time on the big screen), he pushes the button marked "Snake" for how long it should cook. Brilliant. In addition, EVERY TIME one of us made some comment as to what someone should do or why wouldn't they just-- the movie answered us. "Why wouldn't they just open the--" "We're going to shoot out the windows." Oh. "How come some people are dying immediately and other are--" "There are all kinds of different snakes on the plane, some will kill you in minutes, others in hours." Oh. Well played movie. My only problem with the movie was that the actor who plays Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights was the first to die when he could have been absolutely awesome for much much longer. There's one part where the male flight attendant is having a conversation in the aisle and you can see Riggins over his shoulder reacting to what he sees and it's hysterical. (FNL on NBC this Fall, check it out.) Having said all this positive stuff, and now having you probably say, "Well, of course, Witz, you were an idiot for not seeing it in theaters" let me say to you, "NO! I WAS NOT!" There is no chance I would have enjoyed this movie as much in theaters. Part of why it worked was because I was able to make fun of it and we were all able to say things and jokes and bets about what would happen out loud and not simply chear and laugh and jump when they wanted us to. The experience was 1/2 experiential and 1/2 participatory, and that's what made it so fun to watch. So Witz Pickz Snakes On a Plane On DVD.**
Family Guy: In case you didn't know, Family Guy is hilarious. I already knew this, but I haven't watched it in so long, and then watched a couple of episodes while flying cross country on my ipod rigged up to a reserve battery pack with video that had to be converted using a downloaded jodix converter...APPLE IS SO EASY! Anyway, it's extremely awkward laughing until you cry on an airplane 3 inches from the well dressed business-person next to you. Especially when you're laughing at awkward racial jokes that you're not sure if they heard through your Opposite-of-Noise-Cancelling ipod headphones.
"Once you go black, you go deaf",
Witz
**The one time in Snakes on a Plane that I was perturbed was when the two people were having sex in the bathroom and then got attacked by snakes, prompting the flight attendants to hear moans and assume they were having sex while they were really getting killed. The same type of thing happens in A Vampire In Brooklyn, which is not a good movie for two eleven year olds to watch, even though Eddie Murphy is in it. Parents, do your homework. Anyway, Eddie Murphy is sleeping with a girl and then proceeds to kill her and horribly maul her. Her roommates think they're just having sex. I don't know what it is, whether it is the gap between the two or the shear horror of thinking about a situation where people COULD save someone, but instead assume something completely opposite is going on leading to someone's death, or if it is something else, but for some reason, that scenario really REALLY bothers me and always stays with me afterwards. That's just food for thought and also maybe you should lay down some ground rules with people you know about some words, phrases, or scream pitches that you can use should that situation ever occur to you. For me, I'll scream, "LAUGHING COW CHEESE!!!" because there is never another situation, ever, in this world, when I would want to say laughing cow cheese.
SCALE OF LIFE:
1) George Clooney
2) Will Smith
3) Oprah Winfrey
4) Tom Brokaw
5) Martha Stewart
....
....
....
2,304,001) Jared Leto
....
....
4,304,059,673) Andy Milonakis
....
....
5,708,345,345) LonelyGirl15
5,708,345,346) Witz Pickz
5,708,345,347) Andy Rooney
....
....
....
....
6,350,302,023) Small Child making shoes in Pakistan
HEY! I'm doin' alright! with Andy Rooney in my rear-view, I have my sights on LonelyGirl15 and it's only a matter of time. Look out Andy Milanakis-- although it's entirely unclear how you got to where you are, Aziz Ansari (www.azizisbored.com) is fast on your ass with his crappy MTV show Human Giant and in no time, you and Andy Rooney will have interactions far more hilarious than either one of you alone. Actually-- wow, that's a great concept for a sitcom: "Living With Andy," the show where Andy Rooney is forced to take care of his grandson Andy Milonakis after the child's father, Andy Richter, skips town to go live his dream as a Sea World dolphin trainer. Think of all the hilarious possibilities. (I, Witz, am hereby claiming and stating this idea, 8/8/07 at 2:11 PST, and if anything remotely similar appears in the next few months, I will sue the shit out of whoever it is and then promptly shoot myself in the face.)
Anyway, I guess I have to pick some stuff, so here's a couple that I'll try and make funny for you!
Danny Ainge: As far as I can tell (I'm not big into knowledge of the NBA), Danny Ainge is the GM of the Boston Celtics, a team which although stationed in Boston, has never been able to grab my interest. I prefer watching college basketball and March Madness where guys who aren't 7'2 make tremendous plays that will stay in the minds of their teammates and college fans forever-- where anybody can be a hero. This probably appeals to me because I'm 5'10, can't dunk, have about a 3'' vertical, and other than the occasional three pointer, am mostly known for my "hustle" on the court. On the upside, I can hit free throws, which is apparently exceedingly difficult (although nobody is waving shit behind the hoop while I take them). Anyway, in a matter of months, I have become a huge Celtics fan and am ridiculously excited for the coming NBA season. It might be easy to say that I'm a fairweather fan or a bandwagon fan, and while that might be true, here's why I'm so excited. 1) Ray Allen-- Ray Allen is my favorite college basketball player of all time. I loved him on UConn, I got excited to see him as a Sonic, and now am overjoyed to see him on the Celtics. He might be past his prime, but he's ridiculously clutch and so much fun to watch. PLUS, he was in He Got Game. Jesus has arrived in Boston. 2) Kevin Garnett-- I really don't know much about KG other than the little I've seen of him. In this case though, I do know that he's really really good and I'm excited to have an All-Star on the squad. 3) Paul Pierce-- Didn't leave town somehow to get these other players. He's got that nice guy thing going to and is great on the court. 4) Reggie Miller-- There are currently rumors that Reggie Miller, my favorite basketball player of all time will come out of retirement at 43 to play for the Celtics. He wouldn't play much, but just seeing him there and hearing his name would make me pay for whatever stupid cable channel broadcasts NBA games. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller, and Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge has already made 3 of them happen, and might just get Reggie too. Thank you for giving me a reason to waste more of my life on professional sports. Even if the refs cheat, they'll probably be cheating FOR the Celtics, since they've been terrible the last X number of years (where X = my complete lack of NBA knowledge). For more on these happenings and another amusing way of looking at the acquisitions, go to THIS BLOG! (esp if you like Seinfeld, sports, or the Yankees)
Snakes On A Plane: THE FINAL OPINION! After many mentions and variances, I can finally lay down a solid opinion of SOaP. I watched it last weekend on a big screen TV with two friends and some 7&7's, and IT WAS FANTASTIC. It was overdone, with appropriate cameos/casting, and treated itself like a movie, but not one without it's own sense of humor. When a snake goes in the microwave (and I don't know if you could see this in real time on the big screen), he pushes the button marked "Snake" for how long it should cook. Brilliant. In addition, EVERY TIME one of us made some comment as to what someone should do or why wouldn't they just-- the movie answered us. "Why wouldn't they just open the--" "We're going to shoot out the windows." Oh. "How come some people are dying immediately and other are--" "There are all kinds of different snakes on the plane, some will kill you in minutes, others in hours." Oh. Well played movie. My only problem with the movie was that the actor who plays Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights was the first to die when he could have been absolutely awesome for much much longer. There's one part where the male flight attendant is having a conversation in the aisle and you can see Riggins over his shoulder reacting to what he sees and it's hysterical. (FNL on NBC this Fall, check it out.) Having said all this positive stuff, and now having you probably say, "Well, of course, Witz, you were an idiot for not seeing it in theaters" let me say to you, "NO! I WAS NOT!" There is no chance I would have enjoyed this movie as much in theaters. Part of why it worked was because I was able to make fun of it and we were all able to say things and jokes and bets about what would happen out loud and not simply chear and laugh and jump when they wanted us to. The experience was 1/2 experiential and 1/2 participatory, and that's what made it so fun to watch. So Witz Pickz Snakes On a Plane On DVD.**
Family Guy: In case you didn't know, Family Guy is hilarious. I already knew this, but I haven't watched it in so long, and then watched a couple of episodes while flying cross country on my ipod rigged up to a reserve battery pack with video that had to be converted using a downloaded jodix converter...APPLE IS SO EASY! Anyway, it's extremely awkward laughing until you cry on an airplane 3 inches from the well dressed business-person next to you. Especially when you're laughing at awkward racial jokes that you're not sure if they heard through your Opposite-of-Noise-Cancelling ipod headphones.
"Once you go black, you go deaf",
Witz
**The one time in Snakes on a Plane that I was perturbed was when the two people were having sex in the bathroom and then got attacked by snakes, prompting the flight attendants to hear moans and assume they were having sex while they were really getting killed. The same type of thing happens in A Vampire In Brooklyn, which is not a good movie for two eleven year olds to watch, even though Eddie Murphy is in it. Parents, do your homework. Anyway, Eddie Murphy is sleeping with a girl and then proceeds to kill her and horribly maul her. Her roommates think they're just having sex. I don't know what it is, whether it is the gap between the two or the shear horror of thinking about a situation where people COULD save someone, but instead assume something completely opposite is going on leading to someone's death, or if it is something else, but for some reason, that scenario really REALLY bothers me and always stays with me afterwards. That's just food for thought and also maybe you should lay down some ground rules with people you know about some words, phrases, or scream pitches that you can use should that situation ever occur to you. For me, I'll scream, "LAUGHING COW CHEESE!!!" because there is never another situation, ever, in this world, when I would want to say laughing cow cheese.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: Andy FUCKING Rooney
I’ve had it with Andy Rooney. Completely. He’s always the very last segment of 60 Minutes and consistently leaves me enraged, but not about the war crimes or the corporate crime or the super popular crappy country singer, but because this freaking old out-of-date ass crab says he doesn’t like watching football on Sundays or using whitening toothpaste. Or like tonight, when he felt the need to rant on for far too long about how products how far too many flavors these days. You see, he drank Vanilla Coke by accident and was disgusted by the flavors. He likes vanilla. He likes Coke. He just doesn’t like Vanilla Coke. He then explained that he liked peanut butter and he liked jelly as a child, but he hated peanut butter and jelly. I waited five seconds to see if he was kidding before smacking the television screen and letting out a frustrated “BAH!” for my family. That’s right-- Andy Rooney ruins family dinners. There, I said it. He went on about how everything is combined now: RASBERRY iced-tea, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Mango-Tangerine Vitamin Water…these were big problems for him. Let’s just say my brow was furrowed. THEN, Andy Rooney can’t understand why FAT FREE products COST MORE! HAHA—OH ANDY! Andy Rooney is essentially THE WORST stand-up comedian EVER, but he’s too old and dug in to get thrown out.
It’s made worse by the fact that he never lets you know he’s kidding. He just goes on about how everything pisses him off and then leaves it hanging. AWFUL OLD MAN! Multiple busses should hit him. Multiple. At least the show always ends with one of the semi-legit hosts looking at the camera with that “Fucking Old Man Makes More Than Me For Shit Like That At Least He’ll Be Dead Soon” smile, and a goodnight. I know they’re on my side.
I think it’d be great if they got Andy Richter to sit down next to Andy Rooney from now on. It can be called Andy Versus Andy or Andy On Andy or Andy R. You Fucking Kidding Me? Andy Rooney can rant about popsicle jokes or whatever else is ruining his cushy life, and Andy Richter can give him the “what the eff?” look that he does so well and follow up with one of those lines that made his show not so much of a hit, like, “Give it up Grannnpa, the Great Depression happened, get over it!”
Does anybody LIKE Andy Rooney? Am I way out of touch with what
Fight Night: Andy Rooney vs. Mickey Rooney vs. The Band Rooney vs. Nit Romney on HBO—make it happen,
Witz
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Witz Makes the Tough Pickz: Flying vs. Invisibility
It might be a Sunday for most people, and God might be resting, but this Witz is hard at work with the tough pickz. You may now accurately say that for at least one day of the week, "Witz worked harder than God." Pff. Lazy God. Speaking of which, do you think God aka G to the Izzo aka Young G-O shifted with the times like most people and decided he had to do business (not THAT kind) on Sunday to keep up? Or is He seriously just kickin' back with a brew while the technological 21st century broils around him? And if that's the case, doesn't that void most of all those "Thank Gods" that football players give when they score touchdowns and point to the sky? When they do that is God just like, "Ha! Not today effers! This is MY DAY!" Does He say "This is MY DAY?" like millions of mothers on Mothers Day and millions of others on their birthday? Is God a Jewish Mother? All of these are good questions, but they are entirely unimportant. The question today is:
Would you rather be able to Fly or be able to turn Invisible? This has probably been a question for ages, but has most recently been brought to my attention via a terrible commercial on the radio. The commercial asks, "Would you rather fly or be invisible?" and the other guy says something like, "I WANT A BIG MAC!" or, "GIMME THE SPICY CHICKEN!" or some shit. Clearly this guy is a moron (and would probably pick invisibility given some time to think, as he could then sneak in and steal all the fat foods he could want. Then it would be hilarious because he'd be this big fat invisible blob just knocking shit over wherever he went even though nobody can see him).
So now Witz has to make the tough pick: Flying or Invisibility? The Wikipedia doesn't look to be much of a help this time as it has been in the past, so I'll have to use my own thoughts and some comic book references.
FLYING:
The epitome of hubrus. The ability to ascend the heavens with only wings and sail willy-nilly around the sky, not a care in the world (until you run out of energy and die horribly). It would be tremendous. First, there's the freedom aspect-- cruising around and feeling ultimate freedom from the grasps of gravity-- able to go anywhere at a moments notice, no traffic or oceans to stop you. Then there's the heroic aspect; saving people from fires, floods, etc, and even cats from trees...or people from trees if need be. Then there's the creepy aspect; being able to fly onto people's roofs, balconies, or stare at them in their windows. That all sounds pretty cool, especially with the airlines raising their prices and making Chicago the hub for all travel even though Chicago is clearly the one place that cannot handle travel at all. Between the cold, snow, wind, hail, thunder and lightning storms, Chicago is the worst possible place to make a hub. It'd be like making Barry Bonds captain of the "Normal Sized Heads Team." (oooOOooo, what a timely reference, Witz!) So that's flying.
INVISIBILITY:
Let's not kid ourselves-- invisibility is cool for two reasons. 1) You can steal shit. And 2.) You can see people naked. If there is any other reason why you would want to be invisible, you're either a) a liar or b) probably going to vote for invisibility because you've clearly spent too much time thinking about the topic. But don't get me wrong, these two reasons are pretty brilliant. They both fall under the category of "general mischief" along with pranks and snooping. Invisibility pretty much lets you out of the social contract as we know it, and allows you to do whatever the hell you want. You can walk into any store and walk out with whatever you'd like, either not being seen or scaring the hell out of whoever sees you when they see their products floating through the air. I'm pretty sure that's the premise of those old ipod commercials where the shadow of a person is dancing around-- they just stole their ipod and then got sprayed with paint and are now visible. The commercials always cut off before they get shot multiple times in the chest. Which brings us to the downside of invisibility-- people can dump stuff on you, see you, and end your world. This is bad. Also, if anyone ever found out about it, you would probably receive endless "Hollow Man" jokes. Oh, but wait-- I forgot to mention the nakedness again. You would be able to pretty much see anyone you want naked, AND more than likely, BE NAKED YOURSELF almost all the time. I mean, either you don't need clothes (like in Naked Land, the failed children's game by Milton Bradley-- the boardgamers, not the baseball player), or can't have clothes on (like in the Fantastic Four), so what's the point? Naked time is all the time, and that would be hilarious. You would also be able to run around Naked Invisible, get really drunk, and then vomit on people and have them flip out at the nearest person, which would be ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.
So which is it then? Flying or Invisibility? Both provide a freedom, an escape, and the possibility of using your powers for both great good and great evil. Which is it then? Well, of course I'm going to pick ADAMANTIUM CLAWS! Rip shit up and be one badass dude ready to get crazy busy on some vigilante action, like Jodie Foster in that new movie that's coming out where she shoots black people because they weren't given as many cultural advantages as her. ...But, since that's not an option, I must move on to something else. After careful deliberation, I have to pick Flying. While I love all of the hilarious and entertaining perks of invisibility, Flying is just too strong a curiosity. I would love to be able to just take off and zoom around for a while. Not fear falling anymore. Constantly hustle people playing basketball by being able to dunk from my own hoop (which is pretty much legal in the NBA nowadays anyway). I'd also like to potentially give the finger to people flying first class while they are in the air. So flying it is. It was a tough pick, but I feel as though I've earned my Sunday rest. Unlike Young G-O-Deezie, who is spending all of His time making people think that not all of Modest Mouse's songs sound the same, and having a good laugh doing it.
You Know, We Fly High, Ballin...,
Witz
Would you rather be able to Fly or be able to turn Invisible? This has probably been a question for ages, but has most recently been brought to my attention via a terrible commercial on the radio. The commercial asks, "Would you rather fly or be invisible?" and the other guy says something like, "I WANT A BIG MAC!" or, "GIMME THE SPICY CHICKEN!" or some shit. Clearly this guy is a moron (and would probably pick invisibility given some time to think, as he could then sneak in and steal all the fat foods he could want. Then it would be hilarious because he'd be this big fat invisible blob just knocking shit over wherever he went even though nobody can see him).
So now Witz has to make the tough pick: Flying or Invisibility? The Wikipedia doesn't look to be much of a help this time as it has been in the past, so I'll have to use my own thoughts and some comic book references.
FLYING:
The epitome of hubrus. The ability to ascend the heavens with only wings and sail willy-nilly around the sky, not a care in the world (until you run out of energy and die horribly). It would be tremendous. First, there's the freedom aspect-- cruising around and feeling ultimate freedom from the grasps of gravity-- able to go anywhere at a moments notice, no traffic or oceans to stop you. Then there's the heroic aspect; saving people from fires, floods, etc, and even cats from trees...or people from trees if need be. Then there's the creepy aspect; being able to fly onto people's roofs, balconies, or stare at them in their windows. That all sounds pretty cool, especially with the airlines raising their prices and making Chicago the hub for all travel even though Chicago is clearly the one place that cannot handle travel at all. Between the cold, snow, wind, hail, thunder and lightning storms, Chicago is the worst possible place to make a hub. It'd be like making Barry Bonds captain of the "Normal Sized Heads Team." (oooOOooo, what a timely reference, Witz!) So that's flying.
INVISIBILITY:
Let's not kid ourselves-- invisibility is cool for two reasons. 1) You can steal shit. And 2.) You can see people naked. If there is any other reason why you would want to be invisible, you're either a) a liar or b) probably going to vote for invisibility because you've clearly spent too much time thinking about the topic. But don't get me wrong, these two reasons are pretty brilliant. They both fall under the category of "general mischief" along with pranks and snooping. Invisibility pretty much lets you out of the social contract as we know it, and allows you to do whatever the hell you want. You can walk into any store and walk out with whatever you'd like, either not being seen or scaring the hell out of whoever sees you when they see their products floating through the air. I'm pretty sure that's the premise of those old ipod commercials where the shadow of a person is dancing around-- they just stole their ipod and then got sprayed with paint and are now visible. The commercials always cut off before they get shot multiple times in the chest. Which brings us to the downside of invisibility-- people can dump stuff on you, see you, and end your world. This is bad. Also, if anyone ever found out about it, you would probably receive endless "Hollow Man" jokes. Oh, but wait-- I forgot to mention the nakedness again. You would be able to pretty much see anyone you want naked, AND more than likely, BE NAKED YOURSELF almost all the time. I mean, either you don't need clothes (like in Naked Land, the failed children's game by Milton Bradley-- the boardgamers, not the baseball player), or can't have clothes on (like in the Fantastic Four), so what's the point? Naked time is all the time, and that would be hilarious. You would also be able to run around Naked Invisible, get really drunk, and then vomit on people and have them flip out at the nearest person, which would be ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS.
So which is it then? Flying or Invisibility? Both provide a freedom, an escape, and the possibility of using your powers for both great good and great evil. Which is it then? Well, of course I'm going to pick ADAMANTIUM CLAWS! Rip shit up and be one badass dude ready to get crazy busy on some vigilante action, like Jodie Foster in that new movie that's coming out where she shoots black people because they weren't given as many cultural advantages as her. ...But, since that's not an option, I must move on to something else. After careful deliberation, I have to pick Flying. While I love all of the hilarious and entertaining perks of invisibility, Flying is just too strong a curiosity. I would love to be able to just take off and zoom around for a while. Not fear falling anymore. Constantly hustle people playing basketball by being able to dunk from my own hoop (which is pretty much legal in the NBA nowadays anyway). I'd also like to potentially give the finger to people flying first class while they are in the air. So flying it is. It was a tough pick, but I feel as though I've earned my Sunday rest. Unlike Young G-O-Deezie, who is spending all of His time making people think that not all of Modest Mouse's songs sound the same, and having a good laugh doing it.
You Know, We Fly High, Ballin...,
Witz
Friday, July 20, 2007
Witz Pickz: EvenLevel.Com & Sticking It to Car Dealers
I’ve had it with car dealers. The shear number of commercials alone drive me insane, with every odd-ball nobody getting a thirty second spot where they wander around their lot casually or kookily telling me how freakin’ awesome their deals are. Sometimes they act too cool for school with their prices. Other times they remind me how Hometown they are. At best they tell me they have a sale which might be useful to me, and at worst they tell me that some horrific event has occurred and for no reason in particular they absolutely positively must eliminate their car stock or all shit will break loose”!”.
I’ve never had to buy a car, but no matter what the commercials tell me, I know that they are making money off of selling me a car. That their, “Rock Bottom Prices” are still putting their children through college. Car Dealerships are not tax write-offs—they are making money off of me.
Which brings us to EvenLevel.Com, a new startup internet site that is sticking it to car dealerships. There is nothing I like more than a militant car mitigator—to quote their mission statement as found on their blog at evenlevel.wordpress.com:
“This is an opening salvo, a shot across the bow, of the car industry. For too long dealers have abused consumers from their legally protected position as the sole purveyor of cars to the public, they have wielded their influece to gain leverage over the consumer, to drive up prices, and to make the car buying experience as unpleasant as possible. Evenlevel is fighting back!
We, at Evenlevel, believe in the fundamental rights of the consumer to be treated with respect and to get a good deal. Evenlevel is fighting against the abuse of asymmetric information that dealers possess: knowing the car purchase price, the car condition, and the car history. We believe this information should be available to all, that the consumer should know as much about the car as the selling dealer.
We intend to liberate that information, display it to the consumer, and make the entire process transparent. By making the process more transparent, we will make the process more efficient, and drive down the cost of the car for the consumer.”
But why would a company do that? What do they get with such low, low prices? A flat fee. You see, evenlevel.com does not care how much the car is sold for, and by eliminating that greed factor, they are free to provide all the information to make a car as cheap as possible. They match up buyers with dealers who already have the car you are looking for, and get a flat fee when the transaction is completed. PLUS, they have a fantastic slogan:
EvenLevel.Com: Driving the Revolution
SOLD! While people might be a tough sell at first with the new way of doing business, I think that our generation understands the current paradigm well enough to know that change is needed and advantageous. So check out EvenLevel.com, who I promise is not sponsoring WitzPickz.com, and see if maybe it will work for you.
WitzPickz.Com: Writing The Revolution…..damn, that’s not as good…,
Witz
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Witz Pickz: "Live Free or Die Hard!"
I overheard this conversation in Borders about six years ago:
Girl: Nah…
Guy: Oh man, it’s so good, how could you not have seen Die Hard?
Girl: I dunno, I just never felt the need to see it…
Guy: But things blow up!
Girl: I’ve seen things blow up before.
Guy: Yeah…but not like in Die Hard.
While I’ve seen the other Die Hard films (Die Hard, Die Hard II, Die Hard With a Vengeance), it was not until today, when I watched Live Free or Die Hard that I agreed completely with the guy’s statement. I have always loved the Die Hard franchise, and was super excited to see this latest installment. I waited and waited for the right time to see it, and today, when it finally rained, I drove as fast as possible to the theater and bought a matinee ticket (for only 6 bucks which is pretty good these days!). AND I WAS BLOWN AWAY! I mean, I was BLOWN AWAY by “Live Free or Die Hard” unlike I’ve been BLOWN AWAY by an action movie in a long time—and I’ve seen BLOWN AWAY with Jeff Bridges and Tommy Lee Jones and Forrest Whitaker (Was it during Blown Away when the now infamous “Eye Incident” sent Forrest Whitaker from being a casual nobody to a standout Oscar nominee??).
Live Free or Die Hard aka Die Hard IV was just great. It matched every anticipatory expectation I had and gave me two hours of supreme action movie bliss. I laughed, I cried (well, because of the laughing), I ogled, and I was awed by the hugely unnecessary and complicated violence that took place. More than all of that, however, I was filled with warmth that only massively over the top movie explosions (and probably house fires) can provide. SHIT. BLEW. UP. Cars blew up. Guns blew up cars. Cars blew up helicopters. Helicopters blew up buildings, Buildings blew up people. People blew up buildings. People in buildings blew up other people in vans. Planes blew up trucks. SUVs crushed people. PEOPLE CRUSHED SUVS. The random action sequences were perfectly constructed and spread out between the dialogue, actual plot, and, of course, the one liners. In addition, while I didn’t think Mac (of the Mac and PC ads) was necessarily the best choice for the role, he did a great job and filled the role of “sidekick” well. Plus, he made me laugh, so well done.
Which leads us to the following statement: I believe that John McClane is the best action hero of all-time. He is four flicks deep, has yet to disappoint, has killed men twice his size with ridiculous resourcefulness. He makes us laugh. He makes us sit on the edge of our seat even though we know he ain’t gonna die. He always has a civilian sidekick who he brings out the best in. One of those sidekicks was Carl from Family Matters. He has killed someone with an icicle, an ax, grenades, lots of guns, cars, and, oh yeah, his bare hands. He is badass. And he never does wrong. He is the original Jack Bauer, but without the annoying daughter and with a better catchphrase (“Yippie kayay, motherfucker” waaaaay outdoes “we’re running out of time.”). He’s also been around for years, is now over 50 (right?) and still gets the job done. I mean who are the other competitors? Action franchises include, The Terminator, Aliens, Lethal Weapon, Indiana Jones (kinda), James Bond (but only one Bond per grouping), Rambo (massively one dimensional and out-dated), Batman, RoboCop (lamest ever), and numerous others that don’t quite make it to the top. Therefore, I must conclude that John McClane is number one. And if you don’t believe me, go see the movie. It’s been twenty-years since Die Hard I and still, nothing blows up like in Die Hard.
“That guy died…….that guy died harder….”
Witz
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Witz Pickz: Airline Security!
9 times out of 10, I'm gonna say that Airline Security has its problems. They are reactive instead of proactive and often times ridiculous in their solutions. If you are scared of liquids mixing to form explosions, maybe you shouldn't have a "dump bucket" where all the illegal liquids are dumped together before going through security.
BUT CHECK THIS OUT:
This is one of those stories that sounds totally contrived; like when a standup comic says they were watching a movie the other day when in actuality, they've never seen the movie or at least not in the last ten years. BUT I promise this one is true. This happened and I realized it exactly when I say I did. SO, I was packing an extra bag to fly home for my friend's wedding. The bag was extra because I didn't need it, it was just a bag I wanted to fly back to the east coast for my parents to have. Since it was extra, I decided to get some stuff I didn't need out of my apartment, and throw a future extra items in for use at home. My bag contained these items before I put the books in: a pair of dress shoes, a cassette car adapter for an ipod, and a towel on top. I then put in the books which I've read and didn't need to read again. After putting them in, I looked over what I had and these were them: Choke by Chuck Palahniuck (ok), Wicked by Hack McGuire (getting sketchy), Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons (rut-roh, orange alert), and American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (oh shit), all conveniently laid out on top of my College Yearbook. It was at that moment that I realized that if Homeland Security didn't inspect my bag, they weren't doing their job correctly.
Today, after the long flight, and subsequent long sleep, I opened up my smaller extra bag to grab the ipod adapter. And wouldn't you know what was sitting on top: a brochure saying that my bag was inspected by Homeland Security! THEY DID THEIR JOB! I have never been so reassured by a process in my entire life. I also think that maybe I'm qualified for that job now, and maybe I can get hired and then parlay that into a Private Investigator position. I've already gotten the first disc of Moonlighting from the library and have four awkward seasons of Veronica Mars behind me. Yes, I do see this working out.
Witz Pickz Private Dickz,
Witz
BUT CHECK THIS OUT:
This is one of those stories that sounds totally contrived; like when a standup comic says they were watching a movie the other day when in actuality, they've never seen the movie or at least not in the last ten years. BUT I promise this one is true. This happened and I realized it exactly when I say I did. SO, I was packing an extra bag to fly home for my friend's wedding. The bag was extra because I didn't need it, it was just a bag I wanted to fly back to the east coast for my parents to have. Since it was extra, I decided to get some stuff I didn't need out of my apartment, and throw a future extra items in for use at home. My bag contained these items before I put the books in: a pair of dress shoes, a cassette car adapter for an ipod, and a towel on top. I then put in the books which I've read and didn't need to read again. After putting them in, I looked over what I had and these were them: Choke by Chuck Palahniuck (ok), Wicked by Hack McGuire (getting sketchy), Now I Can Die In Peace by Bill Simmons (rut-roh, orange alert), and American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (oh shit), all conveniently laid out on top of my College Yearbook. It was at that moment that I realized that if Homeland Security didn't inspect my bag, they weren't doing their job correctly.
Today, after the long flight, and subsequent long sleep, I opened up my smaller extra bag to grab the ipod adapter. And wouldn't you know what was sitting on top: a brochure saying that my bag was inspected by Homeland Security! THEY DID THEIR JOB! I have never been so reassured by a process in my entire life. I also think that maybe I'm qualified for that job now, and maybe I can get hired and then parlay that into a Private Investigator position. I've already gotten the first disc of Moonlighting from the library and have four awkward seasons of Veronica Mars behind me. Yes, I do see this working out.
Witz Pickz Private Dickz,
Witz
Monday, July 09, 2007
Witz Pickz: The Cob, Bitter:sweet, Kingdom Come
A few pickz to keep July groovin':
Corn on the Cob: Corn is a tasty, useful food that we've been eating for thousands of years. Some people prefer maize, but to them I say "Corn IS Maize!" But while corn gets all the good hype, The Cob gets nothing, and yet, no kind of corn is better than corn ON THE COB (except for candy corn, but that shit isn't natural-- it's baked by easter bunnies in the base of a subterranean mountain in South Dakota). Corn just tastes better on the cob. Now maybe this is because it's fresh or in season, but let us not dismiss the cob so quickly. Who are we to say that the cob and eating corn off of the cob is not the reason why corn on the cob tastes so good? NOBODY! WE ARE NOBODY! Give the cob its due.
Bitter:sweet: Do you enjoy Lily Allen? If you do, then have some more-- this time she's called Bitter:sweet and is a band from southern California. Same sound, different people, and from the myspace songs I've heard, such as Dirty Laundry, quite enjoyable. Clearly, however, there is the question of the : in the name. Some people might say that it's the divider between categorical opposites-- an analogy between the bitter and the sweet, as the music they create. But I think it's a typo that they didn't catch and are now stuck with. I mean c'mon, a collon? Who does that? It's almost too easy to accidentally hit "shift ;" after typing an "r" that I don't see how anyone could think anything else. Do you honestly even think the semi-collon existed before somebody with poor handwriting got lazy on the bottom "."? Not a chance. Did you know that a "?" does not actually mean "to inquisite", but rather, "I am not sure of my exclamating!?" it's like a spork in that respect. Is what I'm saying true? I dunno, do you take your grammatical and punctuational directives from Witz Pickz now? I would think not. If you answered "Yes," maybe it's time for you to re-examine your life and see where you might improve it; possibly while listening to Bitter:sweet.
Jay-Z's Kingdom Come: It's a bit after the fact, but I finally sat down and straight up LISTENED to Jay-Z's new album-- the one he came out of retirement for. Until recently, I had been telling people offhand that it was terrible and just not enjoyable to listen to. After listening closely, however, my opinion has changed-- or at least gained more depth. You see, the first 9 tracks or so are really really well constructed. They are intimate moments with Jay-Z in his life and they tell a story. Some of them are catchy, but most are simply interesting, and show off Jay-Z's massive lyrical talents. Around track ten, though, things shift. Maybe it's the fact that Dr. Dre produces much of the latter half of the album, but they suddenly stop being so intimate and connected (both topically and musically), and begin to sound like extra tracks that they used to fill the album. They become more gangster rap sounding and lose the intricacies of the earlier tracks. They sound like a bunch of individual tracks as opposed to one continuous musical movement. So while I would now say that the album is not terrible, I would say checkout the first half of the album and then do what you will with the rest. It's mostly Jay-Z telling us that he's back...which we know....because...well...he's back.
I'm flying back East again tomorrow, so I'll try posting again on Wednesday. Hopefully nothing about airplane fiascos.
Microphone Checkers Present: King Me,
Witz
Corn on the Cob: Corn is a tasty, useful food that we've been eating for thousands of years. Some people prefer maize, but to them I say "Corn IS Maize!" But while corn gets all the good hype, The Cob gets nothing, and yet, no kind of corn is better than corn ON THE COB (except for candy corn, but that shit isn't natural-- it's baked by easter bunnies in the base of a subterranean mountain in South Dakota). Corn just tastes better on the cob. Now maybe this is because it's fresh or in season, but let us not dismiss the cob so quickly. Who are we to say that the cob and eating corn off of the cob is not the reason why corn on the cob tastes so good? NOBODY! WE ARE NOBODY! Give the cob its due.
Bitter:sweet: Do you enjoy Lily Allen? If you do, then have some more-- this time she's called Bitter:sweet and is a band from southern California. Same sound, different people, and from the myspace songs I've heard, such as Dirty Laundry, quite enjoyable. Clearly, however, there is the question of the : in the name. Some people might say that it's the divider between categorical opposites-- an analogy between the bitter and the sweet, as the music they create. But I think it's a typo that they didn't catch and are now stuck with. I mean c'mon, a collon? Who does that? It's almost too easy to accidentally hit "shift ;" after typing an "r" that I don't see how anyone could think anything else. Do you honestly even think the semi-collon existed before somebody with poor handwriting got lazy on the bottom "."? Not a chance. Did you know that a "?" does not actually mean "to inquisite", but rather, "I am not sure of my exclamating!?" it's like a spork in that respect. Is what I'm saying true? I dunno, do you take your grammatical and punctuational directives from Witz Pickz now? I would think not. If you answered "Yes," maybe it's time for you to re-examine your life and see where you might improve it; possibly while listening to Bitter:sweet.
Jay-Z's Kingdom Come: It's a bit after the fact, but I finally sat down and straight up LISTENED to Jay-Z's new album-- the one he came out of retirement for. Until recently, I had been telling people offhand that it was terrible and just not enjoyable to listen to. After listening closely, however, my opinion has changed-- or at least gained more depth. You see, the first 9 tracks or so are really really well constructed. They are intimate moments with Jay-Z in his life and they tell a story. Some of them are catchy, but most are simply interesting, and show off Jay-Z's massive lyrical talents. Around track ten, though, things shift. Maybe it's the fact that Dr. Dre produces much of the latter half of the album, but they suddenly stop being so intimate and connected (both topically and musically), and begin to sound like extra tracks that they used to fill the album. They become more gangster rap sounding and lose the intricacies of the earlier tracks. They sound like a bunch of individual tracks as opposed to one continuous musical movement. So while I would now say that the album is not terrible, I would say checkout the first half of the album and then do what you will with the rest. It's mostly Jay-Z telling us that he's back...which we know....because...well...he's back.
I'm flying back East again tomorrow, so I'll try posting again on Wednesday. Hopefully nothing about airplane fiascos.
Microphone Checkers Present: King Me,
Witz
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Witz Pickz: Witzpickz! And Witzpicks!
Happy 4th of July people! I don't know why you're sitting there reading Witz Pickz on this beautiful/overcast/partly cloudy/rainy day, but if you are, you are among the first to know that Witz Pickz has gone to the next level! That's right-- eliminating what could have been a really thoughtful, insightful gift for my birthday in two months, I purchased www.witzpickz.com and www.witzpicks.com. You can now go to either of those sites and it will-- well, it will forward you back to here. But the point is, if you actually type it in, it's even easier and faster, and you can tell people verbally off the cuff to go to Witz Pickz dot com, and even if they don't get the z's thing, they will end up here. GLORIOUS! Here are some Fourth of July Pickz:
Grills: These wondrous devices cook up the most delicious of meats and veggies. How do they do it? Contrary to popular belief, it is not magical fairies flying around in circles so quickly they create enough heat to cook your food. No. In fact, it is heat produced by charcoal or gas or propane (which may or may not be the same as gas)! Anyway, I always assumed grills were massively expensive-- even the small charcoal ones I figured went for about 70-80 bucks. But guess what?? THEY'RE NOT! I found small grills with stable builds and legit looking cooking puts for 20-40 bucks. That's it. Amazing. And propane grills were selling for 100-200 bucks for really good looking setups. I can't wait to own a home.
Fireworks: Alright, here's the thing. I pick the idea of fireworks and the fact that they exist. People invented gun powder to kill each other and then some Japanese or Chinese guy (at least according to "Shanghai Knights" starring Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson, used the powder to make crazy designs and colors in the sky. Well played. HOWEVER, that was hundreds of years ago and I am now sick and tired of the same old firework displays. Big burst, small burst, sizzle, sizzle, Pop, Pop, Pop. Throw some Beethoven behind it and that's the works. COME ON PEOPLE! Let's get creative. There has to be other ways to make these things explode. Create new patterns. New designs. Explode them into the outline of Bill Clinton's head, and then make that head wink. How cool would that be? Play something hip for the kids behind it and you got yourself a show.
Independence: Independence is cool! No way around it. When I was little, I didn't understand what July 4th was all about-- I mean, those Brits seemed cool enough, and hey, who likes tea anyway? Stamps are overrated. But sometime after fourth grade I got it. Being independent is awesome. It's not about the taxes or the condescending attitude, it's about being able to eat ice cream for dinner, and stay up until four in the morning watching episodes of Dinosaurs you bought on DVD. It's about staying out late on a school night and making as big as mess as you want-- because only you have to clean it up. It's about not washing dishes right away, eating at a table that isn't set, and having pizza 8 nights a week. That's right-- EIGHT. It's that good. Independence is Pizza Eight Nights A Week. And nevermind having to worry about healthcare and getting a job, and not getting scurvy, because you, my friend, have your independence, and can listen to "Since U Been Gone" or "Beer" or any Three-Six Mafia as loud as you want, whenever you want. So how about that?
Wishing Healthcare, Rent, and Food were Independent-- I mean Free,
Witz
Grills: These wondrous devices cook up the most delicious of meats and veggies. How do they do it? Contrary to popular belief, it is not magical fairies flying around in circles so quickly they create enough heat to cook your food. No. In fact, it is heat produced by charcoal or gas or propane (which may or may not be the same as gas)! Anyway, I always assumed grills were massively expensive-- even the small charcoal ones I figured went for about 70-80 bucks. But guess what?? THEY'RE NOT! I found small grills with stable builds and legit looking cooking puts for 20-40 bucks. That's it. Amazing. And propane grills were selling for 100-200 bucks for really good looking setups. I can't wait to own a home.
Fireworks: Alright, here's the thing. I pick the idea of fireworks and the fact that they exist. People invented gun powder to kill each other and then some Japanese or Chinese guy (at least according to "Shanghai Knights" starring Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson, used the powder to make crazy designs and colors in the sky. Well played. HOWEVER, that was hundreds of years ago and I am now sick and tired of the same old firework displays. Big burst, small burst, sizzle, sizzle, Pop, Pop, Pop. Throw some Beethoven behind it and that's the works. COME ON PEOPLE! Let's get creative. There has to be other ways to make these things explode. Create new patterns. New designs. Explode them into the outline of Bill Clinton's head, and then make that head wink. How cool would that be? Play something hip for the kids behind it and you got yourself a show.
Independence: Independence is cool! No way around it. When I was little, I didn't understand what July 4th was all about-- I mean, those Brits seemed cool enough, and hey, who likes tea anyway? Stamps are overrated. But sometime after fourth grade I got it. Being independent is awesome. It's not about the taxes or the condescending attitude, it's about being able to eat ice cream for dinner, and stay up until four in the morning watching episodes of Dinosaurs you bought on DVD. It's about staying out late on a school night and making as big as mess as you want-- because only you have to clean it up. It's about not washing dishes right away, eating at a table that isn't set, and having pizza 8 nights a week. That's right-- EIGHT. It's that good. Independence is Pizza Eight Nights A Week. And nevermind having to worry about healthcare and getting a job, and not getting scurvy, because you, my friend, have your independence, and can listen to "Since U Been Gone" or "Beer" or any Three-Six Mafia as loud as you want, whenever you want. So how about that?
Wishing Healthcare, Rent, and Food were Independent-- I mean Free,
Witz
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Witz Pickz: Soy Milk, His Balls Where They Currently Reside, and the Potential or Nonexistent Power of Oregano
It appears the comments and my readership has dropped off dramatically with the beginning of summer, and I can't say I've done much to fight it. But today is TUESDAY! And with TUESDAYS come VAST LEAPS OF SUCCESS AND PROACTIVITY! Mondays...not so much. Wednesdays through fridays? Not at all. Saturday and Sunday? Why even ask! No, TUESDAYS are really the days where stuff gets done. It's like it says in the fake, imaginary, always shifting Bible,
"On the first day, God thought about what to do. On the second day, God did as much as he could do while also downloading and watching Showtime television shows (even God wasn't gonna pay for showtime). The rest of the week God found reasons why his other ideas weren't actually that good, like making humans breath underwater, and resistant to fire. He also decided that other people would probably take care of some stuff better than he could, so he let the Japanese invent the SARS mask and Mario Cart 4. THEN...he spaced out a little. When Saturday came, he woke up early in the hopes of doing SO MUCH WITH HIS DAY-- but then he invented Saturday Morning Cartoons, and the Saturday Afternoon Movie, and suddently it was nighttime, and he had kind of a headache. He arose on Sunday, the seventh day of the Lord, and thought, "I ought to do something with my day. Get some work done." But then he remembered that it was Sunday, and Sunday was the day of rest. So he started drinking early, and took a nap from 2-6pm."
So you see that Tuesdays are the day things get done. Here are some posts and being Tuesday, you really ought to comment (although comment kudos go to A-Money for stepping up big in the last few weeks with his comments).
Soy Milk: A curious string of circumstances led to my purchasing a small Trader Joe's box of Soy Milk last week. I never trusted the stuff, but decided I would have some with my cereal. And you know what? IT'S GREAT! Mixed with some cereal, I can't tell the difference from regular milk, which is more expensive, apparently creates more mucus when you're sick (or allthe time?), and goes bad really easily. So I've been using it. This does, however, raise the problem that when it finally does go bad, I will have absolutely no idea! Never having experienced curdled Soy Milk, I won't know until it's too late that I have started consuming an expired product. This, some refer to as, "the spice of life," but which I simply refer to as, "Gross." As for what the hell soy milk is or how healthy or awful for you it is, checkout this blog with all types of stuff I don't understand: SOY MILK!
My Balls Where They Currently Are: I don't even know how to discuss this story. I read about it HERE, but there are articles all over the net. Basically, in Liverpool, UK, a man and woman who were in an open relationship, got into an argument at a party, and she "pulled hard" on his testicles. Here's his response: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.” The pain was due to the fact that she RIPPED OFF HIS BALLS! Apparently she, "tried to swallow the testicle, before spitting it out. She maintains, 'I am in no way a violent person.'" AHHHHHHH. Couple things here. First, I'm a bit confused about how she ripped off his underpants/balls without pants being involved in the equation-- I mean, they were at a party with some friends. Second, she tried to eat the testicle, but then wasn't able to and handed it back to him saying, "This is yours." That's pretty hardcore, but do you think she failed at eating the testicle because she realized that SHE WAS EATING A TESTICLE??? That's my theory. Finally, this begs for a band to name themselves Detachable Balls. or Nuts On the Loose. or ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Testicles. I'm gonna go throw up now.
The Potential Power of Oregano: While being sick for almost three weeks, my Mom did a lot of research online once all the obvious solutions failed. I was taking these Good Immune System pills which smelled and tasted ike garlic, black olives, and chemicals, and needed something else. What did she find? OREGANO! Apparently, wild oregano has incredibly potent healing potential. The oil in wild oregano was used in lab tests with various bacteria and viruses, and within 20 minutes, most of the bacteria and viruses were dead (though due to the oregano oil or boredom is unclear-- I also don't know if bacteria and viruses simply die after 15 minutes in a pietri dish). Wild Oregano is far more potent than commercial oregano (they'd have me believe), and so I spotted up the thirty bucks for a bottle of OregaMax (of the Oreganol) family, and started taking them. They call for 2...OR MORE (shrug, whatever you feel like) per day, and unlike the "Toppings HodgePodge" of the Immune Health pills, these smell exactly like pizza and are DELICIOUS! So I've been taking them, and now I am "healthy." Oregano. Who knew. Or who knows....if it's even effective at all....
"On the first day, God thought about what to do. On the second day, God did as much as he could do while also downloading and watching Showtime television shows (even God wasn't gonna pay for showtime). The rest of the week God found reasons why his other ideas weren't actually that good, like making humans breath underwater, and resistant to fire. He also decided that other people would probably take care of some stuff better than he could, so he let the Japanese invent the SARS mask and Mario Cart 4. THEN...he spaced out a little. When Saturday came, he woke up early in the hopes of doing SO MUCH WITH HIS DAY-- but then he invented Saturday Morning Cartoons, and the Saturday Afternoon Movie, and suddently it was nighttime, and he had kind of a headache. He arose on Sunday, the seventh day of the Lord, and thought, "I ought to do something with my day. Get some work done." But then he remembered that it was Sunday, and Sunday was the day of rest. So he started drinking early, and took a nap from 2-6pm."
So you see that Tuesdays are the day things get done. Here are some posts and being Tuesday, you really ought to comment (although comment kudos go to A-Money for stepping up big in the last few weeks with his comments).
Soy Milk: A curious string of circumstances led to my purchasing a small Trader Joe's box of Soy Milk last week. I never trusted the stuff, but decided I would have some with my cereal. And you know what? IT'S GREAT! Mixed with some cereal, I can't tell the difference from regular milk, which is more expensive, apparently creates more mucus when you're sick (or allthe time?), and goes bad really easily. So I've been using it. This does, however, raise the problem that when it finally does go bad, I will have absolutely no idea! Never having experienced curdled Soy Milk, I won't know until it's too late that I have started consuming an expired product. This, some refer to as, "the spice of life," but which I simply refer to as, "Gross." As for what the hell soy milk is or how healthy or awful for you it is, checkout this blog with all types of stuff I don't understand: SOY MILK!
My Balls Where They Currently Are: I don't even know how to discuss this story. I read about it HERE, but there are articles all over the net. Basically, in Liverpool, UK, a man and woman who were in an open relationship, got into an argument at a party, and she "pulled hard" on his testicles. Here's his response: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.” The pain was due to the fact that she RIPPED OFF HIS BALLS! Apparently she, "tried to swallow the testicle, before spitting it out. She maintains, 'I am in no way a violent person.'" AHHHHHHH. Couple things here. First, I'm a bit confused about how she ripped off his underpants/balls without pants being involved in the equation-- I mean, they were at a party with some friends. Second, she tried to eat the testicle, but then wasn't able to and handed it back to him saying, "This is yours." That's pretty hardcore, but do you think she failed at eating the testicle because she realized that SHE WAS EATING A TESTICLE??? That's my theory. Finally, this begs for a band to name themselves Detachable Balls. or Nuts On the Loose. or ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Testicles. I'm gonna go throw up now.
The Potential Power of Oregano: While being sick for almost three weeks, my Mom did a lot of research online once all the obvious solutions failed. I was taking these Good Immune System pills which smelled and tasted ike garlic, black olives, and chemicals, and needed something else. What did she find? OREGANO! Apparently, wild oregano has incredibly potent healing potential. The oil in wild oregano was used in lab tests with various bacteria and viruses, and within 20 minutes, most of the bacteria and viruses were dead (though due to the oregano oil or boredom is unclear-- I also don't know if bacteria and viruses simply die after 15 minutes in a pietri dish). Wild Oregano is far more potent than commercial oregano (they'd have me believe), and so I spotted up the thirty bucks for a bottle of OregaMax (of the Oreganol) family, and started taking them. They call for 2...OR MORE (shrug, whatever you feel like) per day, and unlike the "Toppings HodgePodge" of the Immune Health pills, these smell exactly like pizza and are DELICIOUS! So I've been taking them, and now I am "healthy." Oregano. Who knew. Or who knows....if it's even effective at all....
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: Creepy Factions of Pop-Culture
Apparently I've been either in a good mood or haven't wanted to accrue any negative karma recently, because it's been a while since I "DIDN'T Pick" anything. So here to kick off the week are some things Witz DOESN'T Pick:
Hilarious Bathroom Stories: I'm not saying that I watched "The View" while I was sick, but I somehow saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes on the program and then saw this little bit: "Do you have pictures of your child getting all wrapped up in toilet paper? How about doing funny things in the bathtub? We want your hilarious bathroom stories and photogaphs!" WHAT??? So many problems here. For starters, what the hell is The View thinking? Have they lost their minds? Is that the usual level of quality? Maybe I'm crazy, but isn't the only difference between child pornography and hilarious bathroom photos the "creepy basement" aspect? Oh, but there are other problems. A) Nothing in my bathroom experience has ever been HILARIOUS. Confusing? Sure. Disturbing? Of course. Borderline disastrous? On occasion-- like this one time in elementary school when I had a bad case of the flu, and was sitting there while holding a trash can to throw up in, and had such a high fever that I PASSED OUT and slammed my nose against the bathtub, causing my NOSE TO BLEED PROFUSELY, but not negating the first two fun activities (I'm not above telling you a story like this)!! But HILARIOUS? No. I would say not hilarious. B) Why do these hilarious pictures exist? Who is snapping or videographying all these hilarious bathroom moments? But they must exist-- so either someone walked in with a camera just at the right moment, or was there to begin with and told their child to "hold on just a minute" while they acquired a camera in order to traumatize their child later in life. Either way, that's not good parenting. The View is idiots.
Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper: I truly did not intent there to be a theme when I started this post, but it seems today's post will not win any prizes for "Distinguished Journalism." Having said that, I was shopping the other day and came upon Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper. Lingually, I object to this product because while Charmin' is pronounced "Sharmin" it's definitely spelled like CH-armin', as in charming. So that's weird. But more specifically, I have a problem with this toilet paper because IT EXISTS. Someone used toilet paper and didn't say, "too soft, too rough, not plied enough, or needs lotion", but said, "NOT STRONG ENOUGH." First imagine the scenario and consequences leading up to that statement. That's a hilarious bathroom story (from our perspective). Now think of the fact that the product exists and what that means. Why would anyone need their toilet paper to be "Ultra Strong?" Ultra. Like-- really strong. Was there an accident involving acid and their ass, thereby creating a craggy sandpaper gorge of resistance? Do they wipe with the fury of a thousand beasts? Or is something else entirely going on here that I just straight up do not understand? Am I the weird guy and everyone else is strong-use normal? Please, please tell me.
This Is How We Do It,
Witz
Hilarious Bathroom Stories: I'm not saying that I watched "The View" while I was sick, but I somehow saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes on the program and then saw this little bit: "Do you have pictures of your child getting all wrapped up in toilet paper? How about doing funny things in the bathtub? We want your hilarious bathroom stories and photogaphs!" WHAT??? So many problems here. For starters, what the hell is The View thinking? Have they lost their minds? Is that the usual level of quality? Maybe I'm crazy, but isn't the only difference between child pornography and hilarious bathroom photos the "creepy basement" aspect? Oh, but there are other problems. A) Nothing in my bathroom experience has ever been HILARIOUS. Confusing? Sure. Disturbing? Of course. Borderline disastrous? On occasion-- like this one time in elementary school when I had a bad case of the flu, and was sitting there while holding a trash can to throw up in, and had such a high fever that I PASSED OUT and slammed my nose against the bathtub, causing my NOSE TO BLEED PROFUSELY, but not negating the first two fun activities (I'm not above telling you a story like this)!! But HILARIOUS? No. I would say not hilarious. B) Why do these hilarious pictures exist? Who is snapping or videographying all these hilarious bathroom moments? But they must exist-- so either someone walked in with a camera just at the right moment, or was there to begin with and told their child to "hold on just a minute" while they acquired a camera in order to traumatize their child later in life. Either way, that's not good parenting. The View is idiots.
Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper: I truly did not intent there to be a theme when I started this post, but it seems today's post will not win any prizes for "Distinguished Journalism." Having said that, I was shopping the other day and came upon Charmin' Ultra Strong Toilet Paper. Lingually, I object to this product because while Charmin' is pronounced "Sharmin" it's definitely spelled like CH-armin', as in charming. So that's weird. But more specifically, I have a problem with this toilet paper because IT EXISTS. Someone used toilet paper and didn't say, "too soft, too rough, not plied enough, or needs lotion", but said, "NOT STRONG ENOUGH." First imagine the scenario and consequences leading up to that statement. That's a hilarious bathroom story (from our perspective). Now think of the fact that the product exists and what that means. Why would anyone need their toilet paper to be "Ultra Strong?" Ultra. Like-- really strong. Was there an accident involving acid and their ass, thereby creating a craggy sandpaper gorge of resistance? Do they wipe with the fury of a thousand beasts? Or is something else entirely going on here that I just straight up do not understand? Am I the weird guy and everyone else is strong-use normal? Please, please tell me.
This Is How We Do It,
Witz
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