Hopefully I'll give you more than just this today, but if not, let's just be happy for continuing learning, TV on DVD's, and white meat.
In response to yesterday's toothpaste post, I received a chat from....let's go with D From the SEA. D From the SEA said "They actually did package toothpaste in a stand-up pump dispenser at one point." Followed by, "I want to say Aquafresh was the industry leader in that particular packaging experiment." This is DOUBLY AWESOME!
First of all, the fact that this happened at all restores my faith in the human spirit, while at the same time crushing my human spirit, because my potentially good, creative idea is old news. But thank goodness this was attempted! Toothpaste is a pest-- we don't want to use it, we HAVE to use it. It's gloopy, sticky, and if it has baking soda in it (oh crap, I forgot about that yesterday-- which category does WITH BAKING SODA! fall under?? Is that better or worse than EXTRA GLIMMER SHEEN!), it's salty too. And now we know that it can't be manipulated to our every command-- but that's no reason to stop trying. The glory of the Human Mind is that we will always think of new ideas and new ways to fail. Sometimes we succeed, and when we do, we call that time "Thanksgiving." Our battles with Toothpaste are the epitome of our culture as humans, and as long as we keep trying new things, we cannot lose.
Second of all, OF COURSE Aquafresh was the company that attempted the pump. Aquafresh is the most creative name in toothpaste. It's not just the paste pump, but the Fresh Stripe, the Silver Rocket Tube, the low low prices...and although they haven't always been the best quality, they've certainly tried hard to be creative. The Witz Gal (meaning my girlfriend, not my sister-- so technically she's not the WITZ Gal, but more like Witz's Gal, but that's kinda possessive, no? But we're not married, and even if we were, she might not take the Witz name and all, so that's a big question mark, so really Witz shouldn't even be in that moniker, except it is now, so forget about it, you get the idea), describes Aquafresh as, "The LA Gear of toothpastes." I don't think anything could be more accurate, but the difference is that she means it as a negative thing, and all I can do is think back and remember wearing about 10 different pairs of black LA Gear high tops (LA Lights anyone???). Sure, their version of the pumps broke in about 5 minutes, and sure, they WERE cheap, and easily ruined, and ultimately disappointing, but they were also CREATIVE and that's what I remember. If I can get orange-striped toothpaste in a Silver Rocket Tube for A DOLLAR-- I'm sold.
Page France -- ...And the Family Telephone: is another great album in the line of recent albums using ellipses in the title. Say Anything...Is A Real Boy. Others I Can't...Think Of. It's also really good indie/country stuff. Lots of instruments, lots of styles, all thrown together for a really enjoyable sound.
Conversations With Other Women: I finally got around to seeing this last night and enjoyed it. It's shot entirely in split screen, but usually the two sync up and when they don't, one of the panels is used for good effect. Basically, a man (Aaron Eckhart) and a woman (Helena Bonham-Carter) meet at a wedding and a conversation/night ensues. You find out more about who these people are and what their relationship is to each other, and the story revolves around whether or not they will have sex. Interestingly, this is not really the biggest focal point, and it's not all that much of a mystery. What's interesting is the relationship and the conversation and how they both evolve. It is extremely well done, and I only got bored at a few moments when the conversation seemed a little over done and no plot had really unfolded in a while. It's only 85 minutes long, and the music is terrific. They used 3 songs by French singer Carla Bruni (who I totally Pick) and one song by Rilo Kiley ("Ripchord"), all of which leant a great deal of emotion and guidance to the film. Definitely worth checking out. It's not nearly as depressing as I thought it would be, even though it kinda is.
Don't Forget To Download The Podcast Tomorrow,
Witz
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Witz Pickz: Toothpaste.
That's right-- toothpaste. And I'll tell ya why (what if one day I just DIDN'T tell you why-- I just said it was so)-- because they just don't give a damn.
For years, YEEEEARS, people have complained about the toothpaste tube and how it gets stuck at the bottom, and you have to roll it up, etc, etc. And have toothpaste manufacturers responded at all? NOPE! Toothpaste containers have not advanced AT ALL in the last fifty years (at least). No amount of complaints, jokes, or quips will make them budge. They know they have the market cornered, and as long as everyone sticks together, there won't be the need for any changes. But would it really be that difficult to fix? Couldn't toothpaste come in a pump like soap? Wouldn't that solve all problems? I'm gonna find out the next time I empty out a soap container. It might be incredibly difficult to get the toothpaste in there, and yeah, maybe it'll clog up the pump, but if it works, I'm gonna be rich. See how often I post THEN! I mean-- on to other things.
The other and more important reason I choose Toothpaste, is that they seem to have no oversight whatsoever. They slap on whatever the hell they want onto a package and get people to buy it for all kinds of reason. "WHITENING!" "CAVITY PROTECTION" "TARTAR CONTROL!" they boast. "EXTRA WHITE!" "SPARKLE SHINE!" "MINTY SPARKLE!". They all mean essentialy the same thing, "We're gonna clean your teeth now." But they find millions of ways to say it. "ADVANCED WHITENING" shouldn't exist at the same time as "WHITENING." Once the advancement of technology has been made, it's time to let the old stuff go. But everytime I go to buy toothpaste, I have to make the decision between "Advanced Whitening, Whitening, Extra Whitening, Sparkle Shine White" and on and on. Can we get a chart on the progression of "Advanced, Extra, Ultra, Super, Premium," when it comes to whitening and control? And then I see, "Tartar Control" glaring at me from down on the shelf, forgotten. Well, I still want tartar control right? I can't just let it run free. And I probably stick want Cavity Protection-- I mean, it IS toothpaste right? But then there are ones that say, "Advanced Whitening with Tartar Control." Doesn't the act of brushing teeth CONTROL TARTAR? Isn't that how it works? And if something is "With Tartar control" or "With Cavity Protection" does that mean the quality of the secondary promise is less than the initial promise of whitening? Grammatically, I fear it's subtleties and lack of clarification. But at the same time, I do respect it, because we don't know shit about shit when it comes to toothpaste, or teeth, or dentistry. When people come close to learning the secrets (aka becoming Dentists), the toothpaste people secretly kill them and make it look like suicides. THAT'S why dentists have the highest "suicide" rate. And you have to respect and Pick a product that has such commitment to itself.
Union Trade, The -- Now the Swell: Check these guys out on myspace.com/theuniontrade. They are kinda like Explosions in the Sky and The Album Leaf with a little bit of southern accented vocals every now and then. Good stuff.
Advancedly White,
Witz
For years, YEEEEARS, people have complained about the toothpaste tube and how it gets stuck at the bottom, and you have to roll it up, etc, etc. And have toothpaste manufacturers responded at all? NOPE! Toothpaste containers have not advanced AT ALL in the last fifty years (at least). No amount of complaints, jokes, or quips will make them budge. They know they have the market cornered, and as long as everyone sticks together, there won't be the need for any changes. But would it really be that difficult to fix? Couldn't toothpaste come in a pump like soap? Wouldn't that solve all problems? I'm gonna find out the next time I empty out a soap container. It might be incredibly difficult to get the toothpaste in there, and yeah, maybe it'll clog up the pump, but if it works, I'm gonna be rich. See how often I post THEN! I mean-- on to other things.
The other and more important reason I choose Toothpaste, is that they seem to have no oversight whatsoever. They slap on whatever the hell they want onto a package and get people to buy it for all kinds of reason. "WHITENING!" "CAVITY PROTECTION" "TARTAR CONTROL!" they boast. "EXTRA WHITE!" "SPARKLE SHINE!" "MINTY SPARKLE!". They all mean essentialy the same thing, "We're gonna clean your teeth now." But they find millions of ways to say it. "ADVANCED WHITENING" shouldn't exist at the same time as "WHITENING." Once the advancement of technology has been made, it's time to let the old stuff go. But everytime I go to buy toothpaste, I have to make the decision between "Advanced Whitening, Whitening, Extra Whitening, Sparkle Shine White" and on and on. Can we get a chart on the progression of "Advanced, Extra, Ultra, Super, Premium," when it comes to whitening and control? And then I see, "Tartar Control" glaring at me from down on the shelf, forgotten. Well, I still want tartar control right? I can't just let it run free. And I probably stick want Cavity Protection-- I mean, it IS toothpaste right? But then there are ones that say, "Advanced Whitening with Tartar Control." Doesn't the act of brushing teeth CONTROL TARTAR? Isn't that how it works? And if something is "With Tartar control" or "With Cavity Protection" does that mean the quality of the secondary promise is less than the initial promise of whitening? Grammatically, I fear it's subtleties and lack of clarification. But at the same time, I do respect it, because we don't know shit about shit when it comes to toothpaste, or teeth, or dentistry. When people come close to learning the secrets (aka becoming Dentists), the toothpaste people secretly kill them and make it look like suicides. THAT'S why dentists have the highest "suicide" rate. And you have to respect and Pick a product that has such commitment to itself.
Union Trade, The -- Now the Swell: Check these guys out on myspace.com/theuniontrade. They are kinda like Explosions in the Sky and The Album Leaf with a little bit of southern accented vocals every now and then. Good stuff.
Advancedly White,
Witz
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Witz Pickz: In the Land of Women, Polish Dinner, and The Accomodating Spirit of Caramel!
In the Land of Women:
Having recently worked in event planning and at a non-profit, I thought maybe In the Land of Women starring Adam Brody had to do with donor relations or perhaps a book group who read nothing but The Notebook over and over again. I will say these two things for the record: First, In the Land of Women was NOT about either of those things and secondly, while I didn't read The Notebook, I DID see the movie, and I LIKED IT. There. Ryan Gosling is the man, Rachel McAdams is perfect for the role, and Eric from Entourage is in it. What's not to like? Back to In the Land of Women. As I said, it stars Adam Brody, who plays a softcore porn screenwriter. The film starts with him breaking up with his girlfriend (shockingly not because of his job), and moving to live with his grandma to get away for a while. It's mildly unclear why he would move in with his crazy grandma as opposed to like, getting an apartment or living with his Mom, but whatever. The answer becomes obvious when he meets Meg Ryan and Kristen Stewart who live across the street. Meg Ryan is the mother, who he immediately clicks with, and Kristen Stewart is the seventeen-ish daughter. Now, this very easily could have made the movie terrible. If the film devolved into which one was he going to sleep with and be happy with, I would have hated it. The mother was married to a man who had an affair and the daughter is "bad, but not really and too cool for school...but probably gets good grades-- oh and she paints." So they are both viable love interests.
As I waited for the shoe to drop, however, I realized that I was 90 minutes into the movie and all of a sudden it was the credits, and all of a sudden I realized that it hadn't. That's when I realized that I not only liked the movie, I totally respected it and found it interesting. You see, Adam Brody's character is at an age right in between the two women. He is too young to honestly get into a relationship with Meg Ryan (who has not been in a movie I've seen in so long that it's possible to forget she's Meg Ryan and enjoy her acting), and is too old (logically AND especially legally) to start dating the jailbait daughter. He actually ends up developing relationships with both women, but while romance is just below the surface, it is friendship, shared knowledge, and life experience that bind them together. You aren't rooting for him to hookup with one of them (alright, maybe the daughter a little, I don't think she'd press charges), and you know you won't be disappointed if he doesn't. Instead, the film focuses on each person as a PERSON, not as a romantic possibility, and as people, they are able to help each other become better people. I definitely wasn't expecting such an interesting dynamic, but I was sure glad to finally get it. (one final note-- I was shocked to find out that the daughter who looks like a 21 year old playing a teenager, is, in fact, a teenager. I give credit to the film for that, but also, a) nobody looked like that in high school and b) oh dear god, I'm getting older-- like Adam Brody's character's age...in the movie....crap)
Polish Dinner:
I hinted a few posts ago about a polish dinner I had recently at some friends' house. Well, now I have to tell you about it, because I found myself trying to recreate it last night. I don't know enough of the details, so I will stick to the two main hitters: pierogis and kielbasa. Pierogis are terrific-- they pack delectable filling into hearty pasta and always fill you up. We had two kinds-- Cheddar and Potato and Sauerkraut and Mushroom. The cheddar potato is the obvious kind, and was absolutely delicios. Who doesn't like cheese and potato? Perhaps the answer is The Nazis. Because we also had sauerkraut and mushroom pierogis. Now, while I have very little knowledge about German customs other than beer, unfortunate historical facts, and the Autobahn, I was under the impression that sauerkraut was German. Didn't we call them "the 'krauts" during the war? I watched Band of Brothers, and I'm pretty sure that's the case. So even if I'm mistaken, such as people calling french fries Freedom Fries even though they were Belgian, are Sauerkraut Pierogis really Occupation Era Pierogis? It seems logical. In fact, one of my hosts was half Polish and half German. Now, I'm not suggesting that she was an Occupation Era Baby, but the fact that the two cultures came together and had apparently similar cuisines, makes me think that I could be right. And what am I if not occasionally, shockingly correct?
Next, we had kielbasa. Two kinds again-- one pinker and lighter and the other browner. The difference was apparently NOT just because one was undercooked, but the type of kielbasa. I tried not to worry about the difference and ate both, and they were both tasty. But then again, I'm a sucker for intestinal tubed meats. Regardless, with a little garlicky mustardy sauce, they hit the spot. I tried to recreate the meal last night with some frozen pierogis (from a Polish Deli, mind you) and with some Hilshire Farms kielbasa (I was mostly into having the pierogis again), but it didn't live up to the first meal.
The Accomodating Spirit of Caramel:
I never really thought about caramel as so flexible and user-friendly until I had to clean off a big melty-hardened pot of caramel (which frankly is just awesome to have in the house). But as I was sitting there, watching the hot water liquify and erase the sticky mess from the pot, I realized how accomodating caramel is. It comes in solid form, sure, and that's tasty. But then, you can easily melt it down and make, say, caramel apples. It grips right to the apple and forms the perfect spherical treat (don't even talk to me about gobstoppers, jawbreakers, or sour balls). Then, it can be liquified and put on top of things like Chai, Coffee, or Frappuchinos. AND THAT'S DELICIOUS TOO! But ultimately, it knows its role and doesn't get cocky or arrogant. The time came when it had to go down the drain, and it abided. I thought I was in for a horrible long battle, but simply by letting the hot water fill the pot, it slowly liquified the caramel and washed it down the drain-- and the best part-- THE WHOLE APARTMENT SMELLED LIKE CARAMEL! That made it worth it, even if it took a little while. Plus, it allowed me to walk out into the hallway and declare loudly:
Who can take tomorrow,
Dip it in a dream?
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream,
The candyman? The Candyman can, the candyman can…
The candyman can 'cause he mixes it with loveand makes the world taste good…
And the world tastes good 'cause the candyman thinks it should…
Then, I was able to walk out onto the balcony and say, "I'm some sort of caramel chef WIZARD!" and make my neighbors question their assumptions about my lack of a daily job....or clothes....
Here's one more note: What the fuck is carmel? I've heard of caramel, and I've heard people say carmel. But I don't know what the difference is or if people are just awful. I mean, if someone heard my grandma talk, they'd ask what a "begel" was? Or an "idear?" When listening to a Jerry Remy broadcast, someone might question who "Hideki Okerjemer" is or "Dustin Pedroiaer". So is "carmel" just lazy speak for "caramel?" Are people walking around thinking they're eating "Carmello" bars? Do they think they're supporting the Denver Nuggets? Does anyone even eat Caramello bars anymore anywhere anyway? Did they ever??? At Halloween I found out that little kids STILL EAT MILK DUDS! Who knew? Anyway, please someone let me know, because I can't imagine I'll ever take the 30 seconds to look it up on google/wikipedia/jdate.
The Day After Veteran's Day Is Always Such A Let Down,
Witz
Having recently worked in event planning and at a non-profit, I thought maybe In the Land of Women starring Adam Brody had to do with donor relations or perhaps a book group who read nothing but The Notebook over and over again. I will say these two things for the record: First, In the Land of Women was NOT about either of those things and secondly, while I didn't read The Notebook, I DID see the movie, and I LIKED IT. There. Ryan Gosling is the man, Rachel McAdams is perfect for the role, and Eric from Entourage is in it. What's not to like? Back to In the Land of Women. As I said, it stars Adam Brody, who plays a softcore porn screenwriter. The film starts with him breaking up with his girlfriend (shockingly not because of his job), and moving to live with his grandma to get away for a while. It's mildly unclear why he would move in with his crazy grandma as opposed to like, getting an apartment or living with his Mom, but whatever. The answer becomes obvious when he meets Meg Ryan and Kristen Stewart who live across the street. Meg Ryan is the mother, who he immediately clicks with, and Kristen Stewart is the seventeen-ish daughter. Now, this very easily could have made the movie terrible. If the film devolved into which one was he going to sleep with and be happy with, I would have hated it. The mother was married to a man who had an affair and the daughter is "bad, but not really and too cool for school...but probably gets good grades-- oh and she paints." So they are both viable love interests.
As I waited for the shoe to drop, however, I realized that I was 90 minutes into the movie and all of a sudden it was the credits, and all of a sudden I realized that it hadn't. That's when I realized that I not only liked the movie, I totally respected it and found it interesting. You see, Adam Brody's character is at an age right in between the two women. He is too young to honestly get into a relationship with Meg Ryan (who has not been in a movie I've seen in so long that it's possible to forget she's Meg Ryan and enjoy her acting), and is too old (logically AND especially legally) to start dating the jailbait daughter. He actually ends up developing relationships with both women, but while romance is just below the surface, it is friendship, shared knowledge, and life experience that bind them together. You aren't rooting for him to hookup with one of them (alright, maybe the daughter a little, I don't think she'd press charges), and you know you won't be disappointed if he doesn't. Instead, the film focuses on each person as a PERSON, not as a romantic possibility, and as people, they are able to help each other become better people. I definitely wasn't expecting such an interesting dynamic, but I was sure glad to finally get it. (one final note-- I was shocked to find out that the daughter who looks like a 21 year old playing a teenager, is, in fact, a teenager. I give credit to the film for that, but also, a) nobody looked like that in high school and b) oh dear god, I'm getting older-- like Adam Brody's character's age...in the movie....crap)
Polish Dinner:
I hinted a few posts ago about a polish dinner I had recently at some friends' house. Well, now I have to tell you about it, because I found myself trying to recreate it last night. I don't know enough of the details, so I will stick to the two main hitters: pierogis and kielbasa. Pierogis are terrific-- they pack delectable filling into hearty pasta and always fill you up. We had two kinds-- Cheddar and Potato and Sauerkraut and Mushroom. The cheddar potato is the obvious kind, and was absolutely delicios. Who doesn't like cheese and potato? Perhaps the answer is The Nazis. Because we also had sauerkraut and mushroom pierogis. Now, while I have very little knowledge about German customs other than beer, unfortunate historical facts, and the Autobahn, I was under the impression that sauerkraut was German. Didn't we call them "the 'krauts" during the war? I watched Band of Brothers, and I'm pretty sure that's the case. So even if I'm mistaken, such as people calling french fries Freedom Fries even though they were Belgian, are Sauerkraut Pierogis really Occupation Era Pierogis? It seems logical. In fact, one of my hosts was half Polish and half German. Now, I'm not suggesting that she was an Occupation Era Baby, but the fact that the two cultures came together and had apparently similar cuisines, makes me think that I could be right. And what am I if not occasionally, shockingly correct?
Next, we had kielbasa. Two kinds again-- one pinker and lighter and the other browner. The difference was apparently NOT just because one was undercooked, but the type of kielbasa. I tried not to worry about the difference and ate both, and they were both tasty. But then again, I'm a sucker for intestinal tubed meats. Regardless, with a little garlicky mustardy sauce, they hit the spot. I tried to recreate the meal last night with some frozen pierogis (from a Polish Deli, mind you) and with some Hilshire Farms kielbasa (I was mostly into having the pierogis again), but it didn't live up to the first meal.
The Accomodating Spirit of Caramel:
I never really thought about caramel as so flexible and user-friendly until I had to clean off a big melty-hardened pot of caramel (which frankly is just awesome to have in the house). But as I was sitting there, watching the hot water liquify and erase the sticky mess from the pot, I realized how accomodating caramel is. It comes in solid form, sure, and that's tasty. But then, you can easily melt it down and make, say, caramel apples. It grips right to the apple and forms the perfect spherical treat (don't even talk to me about gobstoppers, jawbreakers, or sour balls). Then, it can be liquified and put on top of things like Chai, Coffee, or Frappuchinos. AND THAT'S DELICIOUS TOO! But ultimately, it knows its role and doesn't get cocky or arrogant. The time came when it had to go down the drain, and it abided. I thought I was in for a horrible long battle, but simply by letting the hot water fill the pot, it slowly liquified the caramel and washed it down the drain-- and the best part-- THE WHOLE APARTMENT SMELLED LIKE CARAMEL! That made it worth it, even if it took a little while. Plus, it allowed me to walk out into the hallway and declare loudly:
Who can take tomorrow,
Dip it in a dream?
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream,
The candyman? The Candyman can, the candyman can…
The candyman can 'cause he mixes it with loveand makes the world taste good…
And the world tastes good 'cause the candyman thinks it should…
Then, I was able to walk out onto the balcony and say, "I'm some sort of caramel chef WIZARD!" and make my neighbors question their assumptions about my lack of a daily job....or clothes....
Here's one more note: What the fuck is carmel? I've heard of caramel, and I've heard people say carmel. But I don't know what the difference is or if people are just awful. I mean, if someone heard my grandma talk, they'd ask what a "begel" was? Or an "idear?" When listening to a Jerry Remy broadcast, someone might question who "Hideki Okerjemer" is or "Dustin Pedroiaer". So is "carmel" just lazy speak for "caramel?" Are people walking around thinking they're eating "Carmello" bars? Do they think they're supporting the Denver Nuggets? Does anyone even eat Caramello bars anymore anywhere anyway? Did they ever??? At Halloween I found out that little kids STILL EAT MILK DUDS! Who knew? Anyway, please someone let me know, because I can't imagine I'll ever take the 30 seconds to look it up on google/wikipedia/jdate.
The Day After Veteran's Day Is Always Such A Let Down,
Witz
Monday, November 12, 2007
Witz Pickz: Veterans's's's Day
I know you're thinking "Witz doesn't post on holidays and he certainly won't post on Veteran's Day" and I want you to know that you're assumption is absolutely correct most of the time. Today, however, I have the time and, apparently, some people DON'T get today off from work (most people? I don't know-- if the Federal Govt Employees get the day off, why shouldn't everyone else?). I think it's totally ridiculous. What if I need to mail something for my job-- that ain't happening. What if I need to have a Congressional Bill debated? Not on THIS DAY. I'm guessing banks are closed, since banks are the veritable kid in the back of the class when it comes to businesses. They have the capacity for brilliance and limitless potential, but are ultimately lazy and no one ever told them they needed to work just as hard as everyone else to get what they want. Maybe they are able to skate by on their natural talent, never truly extending themselves to make better. Fuck it-- I'm not "coming to class" on Sundays. I'm not "Going to class after 3pm on weekdays and noon on saturdays." No two are the same, but they all suffer from the same inability to establish structure that they so desperately need. So what's the point in working on a holiday when you probably can't do most of your work?
Also, FYI, it's Veteran's Day-- meaning what if YOU YOURSELF ARE A VETERAN!? Do you have to work? Is it like if for my birthday someone said, "Happy Birthday, wash my car?" Veteran's shouldn't have to work on their day, even if you do give them cupcakes so they maybe want to be there like how people with summer birthdays got screwed out of celebrating at school. Oh yeah, I'm really pumped about the "Everyone with Summer Birthdays Party." That's a freaking fun-festival for my individuality.
And aren't there parades on Veteran's Day? I remember there being some or at least I remember a lot of parades with old guys in army uniforms walking slowly down a street. Maybe I just lived in a heavily aged military community with a strong sense of healthy exercise and disdain for fossil fuels (which would be ironic). If there ARE parades and people DO have to work on Veteran's Day...does that mean there are loads of veterans walking around proudly with NOBODY watching them? I bet a lot of bugle players shed tears over that. A parade with nobody watching is just a long walk of shame, as if everyone passed out after a night of bad decisions when the wars ended and now they have to walk back home to change. Yeesh.
And what's with Veteran's Day anyway? I mean, I'm 100% behind celebrating our veterans, but how come it's called Veteran's Day and it's only for our armed forces? What about people who have been working ANY job for over like, 30 years? Shit, shouldn't all old people be given a parade for working for so long. I mean, they might not have contributed ANYTHING useful to ANYONE, but I've been out of school for only a few years, and I already can't imagine having to work for the next 30-40 years. AND I'M NOT EVEN WORKING NOW! So hey, let's expand the franchise-- let's have a day where everybody gets the day off and we celebrate old people working for a long time, except the all Federal jobs HAVE to work, banks HAVE to be open for everyone who has the day off to actually cash checks and talk about IRA's and CD's, and Congress is available for me to lobby the hell out of them. I mean, granted, half the old people will have NO IDEA what's happening, and most will probably call all of us younger folks "Lazy" for taking the day off, but hey, that'll be a part of it. Like the Groundhog coming out of his hole or fireworks on the Fourth of July. Old people grumpifying. Way more diverse than fireworks.
Consider Yourself Posted,
Witz
Also, FYI, it's Veteran's Day-- meaning what if YOU YOURSELF ARE A VETERAN!? Do you have to work? Is it like if for my birthday someone said, "Happy Birthday, wash my car?" Veteran's shouldn't have to work on their day, even if you do give them cupcakes so they maybe want to be there like how people with summer birthdays got screwed out of celebrating at school. Oh yeah, I'm really pumped about the "Everyone with Summer Birthdays Party." That's a freaking fun-festival for my individuality.
And aren't there parades on Veteran's Day? I remember there being some or at least I remember a lot of parades with old guys in army uniforms walking slowly down a street. Maybe I just lived in a heavily aged military community with a strong sense of healthy exercise and disdain for fossil fuels (which would be ironic). If there ARE parades and people DO have to work on Veteran's Day...does that mean there are loads of veterans walking around proudly with NOBODY watching them? I bet a lot of bugle players shed tears over that. A parade with nobody watching is just a long walk of shame, as if everyone passed out after a night of bad decisions when the wars ended and now they have to walk back home to change. Yeesh.
And what's with Veteran's Day anyway? I mean, I'm 100% behind celebrating our veterans, but how come it's called Veteran's Day and it's only for our armed forces? What about people who have been working ANY job for over like, 30 years? Shit, shouldn't all old people be given a parade for working for so long. I mean, they might not have contributed ANYTHING useful to ANYONE, but I've been out of school for only a few years, and I already can't imagine having to work for the next 30-40 years. AND I'M NOT EVEN WORKING NOW! So hey, let's expand the franchise-- let's have a day where everybody gets the day off and we celebrate old people working for a long time, except the all Federal jobs HAVE to work, banks HAVE to be open for everyone who has the day off to actually cash checks and talk about IRA's and CD's, and Congress is available for me to lobby the hell out of them. I mean, granted, half the old people will have NO IDEA what's happening, and most will probably call all of us younger folks "Lazy" for taking the day off, but hey, that'll be a part of it. Like the Groundhog coming out of his hole or fireworks on the Fourth of July. Old people grumpifying. Way more diverse than fireworks.
Consider Yourself Posted,
Witz
Friday, November 09, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: Mayan Armageddon Prediction
OK-- so I think by now we've all seen these previews for I Am Legend. Now, while it sounds like a cool band name, and is deliciously grammatically incorrect and mysterious, what the hell is it about? It looks like it's about the last man on Earth, and from what I've gathered, a disease wiped out everyone else. Except for Will Smith of course-- he was too Fresh. But then zombies are in the equation? Animals maybe? I don't know-- the commercials are baffling. I needed more info, and I didn't want to use "reputable sources." So I asked some people at a party and here's what I got:
Apparently, the idea is based on the Mayan calendar. The film is set in 2012. The mayans, who were phenomenal at calendars and astronomy (which didn't work out as well for them as say, being good at guns and looting), have December 21, 2012 as the last day on their calendar. That's 12/21 2012 which seems like it's a palindrome, but actually isn't. 12/21/12 is ALMOST a palindrome, but not quite, so it has nothing to do with that. Allegedly, what it has to do with is the Earth being at the very very center of the Milky Way Galaxy. That is very cool, but I'm not sure what physics forces would then cause us to die. In fact, as I'm not scientifically inclined, my very first thought upon hearing this way, "Whoah-- ya know what would be cool? Going to the very center of the Earth on that day and being at the VERY center of the galaxy!"......Yeah, see, I was thinking like Ecuador or Indonesia...that's not the center of the Earth. The center is far hotter than that, and probably more expensive to get to (but probably fewer diseases-- AHA! Is that a clue?). So the whole thing is supposed to mean that we will all die somehow. Except for Will Smith, again, on account of his level of freshness which rivals that of my deli meats from the local grocer-- oh, let's be honest, he's far fresher than that.
Regardless of why He, Robot survives, let's look at the theory. Mayans pick last day of calendar 12/21/12. Well, here's a little thought on the subject-- I have a calendar....for 2007. Next year, I'll get one for 2008. Calendar companies probably have calendars up until 2015 maybe 2020. My COMPUTER calendar only goes to 2099. So maybe, in the 17th century when the Mayan civilization began its collapse, they didn't feel the need to have a calendar past TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE. "Hey Erubiel, it's 1645, I've been getting ahead on some calendar making, and I'm three-hundred and sixty seven years ahead. You think that's enough?" YES. It's probably enough. I mean, c'mon, I don't do ANYTHING more than like 2 days in advance. Plane tickets max out my forethought at about a month. What kind of logic is it to say that the Mayan calendar ending predicted the end of the world? No kind of logic at all.
But if we're to believe this idea and the film IS based on it, it should be released on 12/21 2007 right? Unless they want to wait 5 more years, which I'm sure isn't in their minds. So 12/21/2007 it is...right?...NOPE! 12/14 fuckers! DEAL WITH THAT! They couldn't wait the extra week. Independence Day came out on Independence Day. Christmas movies come out a few days before Christmas if not on Christmas itself. But a movie potentially tied into Mayan legend? ONE WEEK EARLY. BAFFLING. You Is Not Legend. You Is Idiots.
I still want to see the movie, and maybe it'll be great. There's also a more than likely chance that whoever told me these things off hand at a party is entirely incorrect. But it all kinda sounds right, and it IS legend, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. And let's all try not to be shocked when Morgan Freeman is ALSO not dead, and potentially narrating.
I Am...Hungry....,
Witz
Apparently, the idea is based on the Mayan calendar. The film is set in 2012. The mayans, who were phenomenal at calendars and astronomy (which didn't work out as well for them as say, being good at guns and looting), have December 21, 2012 as the last day on their calendar. That's 12/21 2012 which seems like it's a palindrome, but actually isn't. 12/21/12 is ALMOST a palindrome, but not quite, so it has nothing to do with that. Allegedly, what it has to do with is the Earth being at the very very center of the Milky Way Galaxy. That is very cool, but I'm not sure what physics forces would then cause us to die. In fact, as I'm not scientifically inclined, my very first thought upon hearing this way, "Whoah-- ya know what would be cool? Going to the very center of the Earth on that day and being at the VERY center of the galaxy!"......Yeah, see, I was thinking like Ecuador or Indonesia...that's not the center of the Earth. The center is far hotter than that, and probably more expensive to get to (but probably fewer diseases-- AHA! Is that a clue?). So the whole thing is supposed to mean that we will all die somehow. Except for Will Smith, again, on account of his level of freshness which rivals that of my deli meats from the local grocer-- oh, let's be honest, he's far fresher than that.
Regardless of why He, Robot survives, let's look at the theory. Mayans pick last day of calendar 12/21/12. Well, here's a little thought on the subject-- I have a calendar....for 2007. Next year, I'll get one for 2008. Calendar companies probably have calendars up until 2015 maybe 2020. My COMPUTER calendar only goes to 2099. So maybe, in the 17th century when the Mayan civilization began its collapse, they didn't feel the need to have a calendar past TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE. "Hey Erubiel, it's 1645, I've been getting ahead on some calendar making, and I'm three-hundred and sixty seven years ahead. You think that's enough?" YES. It's probably enough. I mean, c'mon, I don't do ANYTHING more than like 2 days in advance. Plane tickets max out my forethought at about a month. What kind of logic is it to say that the Mayan calendar ending predicted the end of the world? No kind of logic at all.
But if we're to believe this idea and the film IS based on it, it should be released on 12/21 2007 right? Unless they want to wait 5 more years, which I'm sure isn't in their minds. So 12/21/2007 it is...right?...NOPE! 12/14 fuckers! DEAL WITH THAT! They couldn't wait the extra week. Independence Day came out on Independence Day. Christmas movies come out a few days before Christmas if not on Christmas itself. But a movie potentially tied into Mayan legend? ONE WEEK EARLY. BAFFLING. You Is Not Legend. You Is Idiots.
I still want to see the movie, and maybe it'll be great. There's also a more than likely chance that whoever told me these things off hand at a party is entirely incorrect. But it all kinda sounds right, and it IS legend, so I guess we'll have to wait and see. And let's all try not to be shocked when Morgan Freeman is ALSO not dead, and potentially narrating.
I Am...Hungry....,
Witz
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Witz Pickz: Chuck Ragan, Slam by Nick Hornby, Southwest Airlines...
My Friend With A Pool and I saw Chuck Ragan performing his solo material at Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco the other night, and we were blown away. Not like in the movie Blown Away, i.e. with bombs, but metaphorically blown away by his presence and voice. First, the man can sing. Sure, he was the lead singer of Hot Water Music, a prolific punk band with great vocals. But in his solo album, he has to bring a lot to the table with his voice, since only a guitar and occasionally a fiddle, are behind him. So he does. Chuck Ragan brings what a large Polish person would bring to the table and then some-- pierogis of all types, not just cheddar and potato, but saurkraut and mushroom as well, kielbasa, some well grilled, others nicely sauteed, other meats I can't describe, and also wine. I don't know if Polish people drink wine, but I think it's pretty clear I'm just describing a meal I had recently at a dinner party, and boy was it delicious. Anyway, Chuck Ragan brings the goods to the table with his voice. Gruff, smooth, angry, calm, but ALWAYS involved-- every word he sang he meant, and he meant it each time he sang it, not just that first time.
That's the other thing with Chuck Ragan-- I have never seen a more blatantly honest performer (which could also be like saying I've never seen a better liar perform). He bent and sweated and shouted with every emotion in him for every song and I believed him. He smiled uncontrollably when fans in the audience shouted along to some of the lyrics, clearly just thrilled to be performing and having people CARE about his music. And this isn't some nobody-- this is a guy who's performed for over 10 years successfully for audiences. But he still cares, you can just tell. And it's clear he's the type of guy who genuinely would care. When he thanks the audience for clapping, or cheering, it's obvious he means it. When he says thank you to his wife and says he loves her, there is no doubt in my mind that they aren't thrilled with each other and completely in love. The man is genuine, and it comes across in his music, making some lyrics that might otherwise seem sappy or overly poetic, believable and acceptable.
For anyone in the area-- Bottom of the Hill is a tremendous venue. It's like a crazy hidden house in the middle of residential/old warehouse San Francisco. Once inside, there's a stage, a bar, and a merch area, but it's all very cozy and integrated. There's a little porch outside where you can hangout with tables. Or people. You can hangout with tables or people or potentially squirrels, should any appear. And they get great music and most shows are cheap. Excellent.
Slam by Nick Hornby: So I read that new Nick Hornby book pretty quickly on my flight back west. It's about 300 pages and marketed as a teen novel, but I can't really imagine many teens reading it. I don't know who Hornby intended it for, but I feel like he unwittingly writes it in a way that teens wouldn't appreciate so much as adults would for his reflections on being a teenager. It's typical Nick Hornby tone and voice, but I'm a bit at a loss for if he wrote the sixteen year old character well. At first I thought that the kid sounded a little young, like not quite a real sixteen year old, but then I tried to remember when I was fifteen/sixteen and how I acted or spoke, and how others did around me, and I honestly couldn't remember well enough to say Hornby was wrong. The other thing is that at times the character sounded too old, saying things like, "mustn't" or "this evening," but then I remembered that he's supposed to be British, and I don't know a damn thing about British kids except for some cool words and phrases they get to use, "mum, bullocks, init, toss off," and on and on. SO maybe he nailed it, I don't know. Regardless, the story was fairly interesting-- originally ordinary, but then a nice narrative twist made things more interesting from a storytelling perspective. Nothing to blow me away like Chuck Ragan, but definitely alright to read if you're starved for Nick Hornby writing. Lemme know what you think if you do.
I'll conclude with the fact that Southwest Airlines defeated air travel once again. After my miserable trip TO the east coast on United, I flew back on SW and it was a success. Even with the 2 stops while staying on the same plane (2 hours to chicago, 4 hours to LA, 1 hour to SJ), and 9 HOURS on a plane without a meal or movie, I felt fine. I won't give Chicago any props though-- while usually it's weather than ALWAYS effects a flight to or from Chicago, this time it was the fact that right before we landed, we had to accelerate and shoot back up into the air. Apparently, the air traffic controller had given clearance to a plane to takeoff, but they hadn't gotten off the ground before we were supposed to land on the same runway. Fortunately, they caught it in time, resulting in us flying about for 10 minutes (and seeing nice aerials of Chicago), but it was just proof that no matter when or which airport you fly into Chicago, SOMETHING will go wrong, cause a delay, or a cancellation.
Even I Want the Weekend, And I Don't Do ANYTHING,
Witz
P.S. Radio show tonight, so new podcast tomorrow for ya'all.
That's the other thing with Chuck Ragan-- I have never seen a more blatantly honest performer (which could also be like saying I've never seen a better liar perform). He bent and sweated and shouted with every emotion in him for every song and I believed him. He smiled uncontrollably when fans in the audience shouted along to some of the lyrics, clearly just thrilled to be performing and having people CARE about his music. And this isn't some nobody-- this is a guy who's performed for over 10 years successfully for audiences. But he still cares, you can just tell. And it's clear he's the type of guy who genuinely would care. When he thanks the audience for clapping, or cheering, it's obvious he means it. When he says thank you to his wife and says he loves her, there is no doubt in my mind that they aren't thrilled with each other and completely in love. The man is genuine, and it comes across in his music, making some lyrics that might otherwise seem sappy or overly poetic, believable and acceptable.
For anyone in the area-- Bottom of the Hill is a tremendous venue. It's like a crazy hidden house in the middle of residential/old warehouse San Francisco. Once inside, there's a stage, a bar, and a merch area, but it's all very cozy and integrated. There's a little porch outside where you can hangout with tables. Or people. You can hangout with tables or people or potentially squirrels, should any appear. And they get great music and most shows are cheap. Excellent.
Slam by Nick Hornby: So I read that new Nick Hornby book pretty quickly on my flight back west. It's about 300 pages and marketed as a teen novel, but I can't really imagine many teens reading it. I don't know who Hornby intended it for, but I feel like he unwittingly writes it in a way that teens wouldn't appreciate so much as adults would for his reflections on being a teenager. It's typical Nick Hornby tone and voice, but I'm a bit at a loss for if he wrote the sixteen year old character well. At first I thought that the kid sounded a little young, like not quite a real sixteen year old, but then I tried to remember when I was fifteen/sixteen and how I acted or spoke, and how others did around me, and I honestly couldn't remember well enough to say Hornby was wrong. The other thing is that at times the character sounded too old, saying things like, "mustn't" or "this evening," but then I remembered that he's supposed to be British, and I don't know a damn thing about British kids except for some cool words and phrases they get to use, "mum, bullocks, init, toss off," and on and on. SO maybe he nailed it, I don't know. Regardless, the story was fairly interesting-- originally ordinary, but then a nice narrative twist made things more interesting from a storytelling perspective. Nothing to blow me away like Chuck Ragan, but definitely alright to read if you're starved for Nick Hornby writing. Lemme know what you think if you do.
I'll conclude with the fact that Southwest Airlines defeated air travel once again. After my miserable trip TO the east coast on United, I flew back on SW and it was a success. Even with the 2 stops while staying on the same plane (2 hours to chicago, 4 hours to LA, 1 hour to SJ), and 9 HOURS on a plane without a meal or movie, I felt fine. I won't give Chicago any props though-- while usually it's weather than ALWAYS effects a flight to or from Chicago, this time it was the fact that right before we landed, we had to accelerate and shoot back up into the air. Apparently, the air traffic controller had given clearance to a plane to takeoff, but they hadn't gotten off the ground before we were supposed to land on the same runway. Fortunately, they caught it in time, resulting in us flying about for 10 minutes (and seeing nice aerials of Chicago), but it was just proof that no matter when or which airport you fly into Chicago, SOMETHING will go wrong, cause a delay, or a cancellation.
Even I Want the Weekend, And I Don't Do ANYTHING,
Witz
P.S. Radio show tonight, so new podcast tomorrow for ya'all.
Witz Pickz: Yogurt Being Yogurt
There's a saying you've probably heard if you follow baseball at all-- "Manny Being Manny." This refers to Manny Ramirez being absolutely ridiculous, but true to his nature. He says crazy stuff, he acts a little off sometimes, but he is himself. Well, it's about time yogurt takes up the Manny baton and starts acting like yogurt. You know that Mitch Hedberg joke about Ritz crackers and how they have all the suggestions as to what to put on there, but he bought Ritz because he wants Ritz. The company has no faith in its product. I feel like yogurt producers have lost faith in yogurt. Why do I think this? Because I was at the store, and looking for yogurt and saw how far past the line it has gone. Here are the acceptable types of yogurt historically: Strawberry, Blueberry, Strawberry Banana, Vanilla, French Vanilla, Mixed Berry, Peach, Blackberry, etc with the berries. What did I see on the shelves? Boston Creme Pie Yogurt. Key Lime Pie, Coconut Cream Pie, and Lemon Chiffon Yogurt. Those I've seen before. Here are the new ones-- Caramel Apple Yogurt, Caffe Latte Yogurt, Chai Yogurt, S'mores Yogurt, and on and on and on. Those are the big hitters. Now here's the thing-- I'm ok with yogurt where clearly you add something and it ends up being that flavor. Add blueberries to yogurt-- BAM-- blueberry yogurt. But somehow, I don't see them shoving a Boston Cream Pie into a yogurt cup. I haven't even seen a Boston Cream Pie in years-- are they using them all for yogurts now and donuts? Orange Cream as in a Creamsicle was one of the other flavors. They just throw that all in a blender? Pumpkin Spice? They throw Pumpkin pie in yogurt because I tried it, and it tastes like damn Pumpkin Pie. Oh-- but here's the rub:
You can say that all these flavors are acceptable and hey, let's not be prejudiced, right? I mean, to be fair, I could be writing this in the early 1800's and be like, "Witz Pickz: Slaves Being Slaves" and I'd think I was right, theoretically. So why be such a flavorist in this case? Here's the thing-- they all taste terrible. By nature, yogurt tastes a little sour, right? With the berries it kinda works because they are tart or simply chunks of fruit. But what does a Chai Latte Yogurt taste like? Well, it tastes like a sour chai latte. Nevermind the fact that it's solid and sour, meaning, it's exactly like if you left our your chai latte for a week on the counter. What's a Boston Cream Pie Yogurt taste like? Yep, it tastes like SOUR Boston Cream Pie. Pumpkin? Sour Pumpkin Yogurt.
And none of this really struck me until I ate the Pumpkin one. I kinda was ok with the Banana Cream Pie although it's a little sour, and I can get down the the BCP one, don't get me wrong. But, I ate the pumpkin pie yogurt and had to admit that, "Yes, this tastes exactly like pumpkin pie...only a little sour." Why am I needing to ingest pumpkin pie in yogurt form? If I want pumpkin pie, holy shit, I need to live life at the level of self-respect and enjoyment that I will go get some actual pumpkin pie. Yogurt isn't toothpaste-- we don't need to hide the flavor. If you like yogurt, eat yogurt. If you don't, eat something else that's healthy. Don't force yourself to eat yogurt in secret sneaky form. Just drink a glass of milk for your calcium and wash down a small slice of Boston Cream Pie. I guarentee you'll be ok. And if you can't handle the calories, try jogging a little longer than usual (I assume you must exercise already if you're that worked up about it), do an extra few pushups, situps, or ass-crunches (sounds half like a torture method and half like a really good kind of apple). All I'm saying, ultimately, is that I DO like yogurt, and guess what? There are a lot of good flavors out there. I don't need my yogurt to be my serving of Key Lime Pie. I want my yogurt to be yogurt, and I think it's about time the yogurt execs get back to basics and restore some faith in their product. It must have all started when someone said, "Why don't you go ahead and throw some grapenuts in there?" It's a slippery slope from granola, nutmeg, or grapenuts to Boston Cream Pies, Chai Lattes, and ultimately, Crack. And while I do LOVE the idea that crackheads rob a Safeway/Stop & Shop/Big Y and are caught slurping up crack-gurt in the alley, it's not really part of the world I want to live in.
Go-Gurt's Blowin' Dudes At the Bus Station Now (How Quickly Things Change),
Witz
You can say that all these flavors are acceptable and hey, let's not be prejudiced, right? I mean, to be fair, I could be writing this in the early 1800's and be like, "Witz Pickz: Slaves Being Slaves" and I'd think I was right, theoretically. So why be such a flavorist in this case? Here's the thing-- they all taste terrible. By nature, yogurt tastes a little sour, right? With the berries it kinda works because they are tart or simply chunks of fruit. But what does a Chai Latte Yogurt taste like? Well, it tastes like a sour chai latte. Nevermind the fact that it's solid and sour, meaning, it's exactly like if you left our your chai latte for a week on the counter. What's a Boston Cream Pie Yogurt taste like? Yep, it tastes like SOUR Boston Cream Pie. Pumpkin? Sour Pumpkin Yogurt.
And none of this really struck me until I ate the Pumpkin one. I kinda was ok with the Banana Cream Pie although it's a little sour, and I can get down the the BCP one, don't get me wrong. But, I ate the pumpkin pie yogurt and had to admit that, "Yes, this tastes exactly like pumpkin pie...only a little sour." Why am I needing to ingest pumpkin pie in yogurt form? If I want pumpkin pie, holy shit, I need to live life at the level of self-respect and enjoyment that I will go get some actual pumpkin pie. Yogurt isn't toothpaste-- we don't need to hide the flavor. If you like yogurt, eat yogurt. If you don't, eat something else that's healthy. Don't force yourself to eat yogurt in secret sneaky form. Just drink a glass of milk for your calcium and wash down a small slice of Boston Cream Pie. I guarentee you'll be ok. And if you can't handle the calories, try jogging a little longer than usual (I assume you must exercise already if you're that worked up about it), do an extra few pushups, situps, or ass-crunches (sounds half like a torture method and half like a really good kind of apple). All I'm saying, ultimately, is that I DO like yogurt, and guess what? There are a lot of good flavors out there. I don't need my yogurt to be my serving of Key Lime Pie. I want my yogurt to be yogurt, and I think it's about time the yogurt execs get back to basics and restore some faith in their product. It must have all started when someone said, "Why don't you go ahead and throw some grapenuts in there?" It's a slippery slope from granola, nutmeg, or grapenuts to Boston Cream Pies, Chai Lattes, and ultimately, Crack. And while I do LOVE the idea that crackheads rob a Safeway/Stop & Shop/Big Y and are caught slurping up crack-gurt in the alley, it's not really part of the world I want to live in.
Go-Gurt's Blowin' Dudes At the Bus Station Now (How Quickly Things Change),
Witz
Monday, November 05, 2007
Witz Theoretically, But Not Consequently Pickz: The TV Writer's Strike
Hey, remember all those good shows I told you to watch the other day? Well, that might be a problem. As of November 1st, the WGA's contract ran out, and the television writers' threat to strike is becoming a reality. This would be terrible news for us tv viewing citizens of the world, but it's also not entirely uncalled for. Here's the deal:
Hollywood writers have been getting screwed for all of time-- and not in the way that the Hollywood actors and actresses have been getting screwed. They've been getting screwed out of credit and cash for years and with DVDs and iTunes sales now being bigger than ever, the WGA has decided it's time for a change. The last contract that was signed basically cut writers out of all the DVD and iTunes residuals, and they weren't happy about it. Now, as DVDs are becoming even more important than live television, and iTunes is horribly, but prevalently providing content, studios are making more money than ever and writers are seeing even more money passing through, but never into their hands. SO, they are gonna strike for the first time since 1988 until they get a reasonable offer. On the one hand, this is good, because writers completely deserve more money and it's awful how they are cut out of the profits and credit. As someone who would love to write for hollywood in the future, I'm for the strike and ultimately, getting a fairer deal. But on the other hand, this might take months to resolve and television is going to suffer.
While television shows are always written several episodes in advance, and while studios have been stockpiling scripts and shows, there is a good chance they will run out as early as January and certainly by sweeps. This means good strong shows that people like such as Heroes and Grey's Anatomy won't have new material, and struggling shows like Friday Night Lights will likely go off the air, potentially for keeps (I wonder if Coach Taylor got a paper a day early telling him the news??). It also means that reality tv (whose writers aren't under WGA contract) will become even more dominant and prevalent, and I honestly don't think I can take it. Over the weekend, while relaxing, My Brooklyn Compatriot and I watched an episode of Salt N' Pepa's reality show (cleverly entitled The Salt-N-Pepa Show), followed by an episode of America's Most Smartest Model (somehow hosted by Ben Stein who must have the most rollercoaster life/career out of anyone), and then a couple episodes of A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila-- who is a self made internet celebrity (she's got a lot of facebook friends). With full writer availability, THESE ARE THE SHOWS THAT ARE STILL ON TV. I can't imagine what will happen when more are requested. "America's Least Retarded Mentally Challenged Dog", followed by, "Decide If You'd Like The Bargain Or Would You Rather Eat Something Gross", followed by, "Goiter Love." Plus, shows like Primetime Rachel Ray might start happening. We were all confused enough when 60 Minutes was on twice and when somehow Dateline and 20/20 made it onto regular television viewing schedules, but I couldn't take something like "Al Roker Goes To Waterparks." Maybe Anthony Bourdain will somehow get the hookup and make a primetime unscripted food/travel special like No Reservations. That'd be cool.
On the plus side, sort of, internet television might get a boost. Channels like NBC and ABC already have original online content and shows only available at their sites, but they are also under the WGA. Which means other online shows such as everything on Channel101.com and my biased enjoyment of Couples Therapy, might get a boost of viewing. This won't effect the strike directly, but it might change viewership somewhat once it is resolved. The internet is pumping out some great stuff (It's Always Funny In Philadelphia won that pitch a show yourself and make it contest on FX), and this might open up opportunities for more people to get discovered (Channel101.com has been a creative breeding ground-- if ultimately an inbreeding ground-- for new talent).
So there are positives and negatives. Hopefully, this thing will get resolved quickly and television life will go on. Ideally, the writers will get a better deal. Unfortunately, with so much money and intricate financials operating in the equation, there's a good chance it will take some time. We can only wait and see...how quick it will go....who Tila Tequila chooses...who America's Most Smartest Model is (incidentally, Hollywood Steve from channel101.com's Yacht Rock, was in the episode of America's Most Smartest Model)...if Pepa will ever grow to be as together and with it as Salt is (WHO WOULDA GUESSED!).....
I'd Also Feel OK If Everyone Got Fired And I Somehow Managed To Get A Job As A Writer,
Witz (call me)
Hollywood writers have been getting screwed for all of time-- and not in the way that the Hollywood actors and actresses have been getting screwed. They've been getting screwed out of credit and cash for years and with DVDs and iTunes sales now being bigger than ever, the WGA has decided it's time for a change. The last contract that was signed basically cut writers out of all the DVD and iTunes residuals, and they weren't happy about it. Now, as DVDs are becoming even more important than live television, and iTunes is horribly, but prevalently providing content, studios are making more money than ever and writers are seeing even more money passing through, but never into their hands. SO, they are gonna strike for the first time since 1988 until they get a reasonable offer. On the one hand, this is good, because writers completely deserve more money and it's awful how they are cut out of the profits and credit. As someone who would love to write for hollywood in the future, I'm for the strike and ultimately, getting a fairer deal. But on the other hand, this might take months to resolve and television is going to suffer.
While television shows are always written several episodes in advance, and while studios have been stockpiling scripts and shows, there is a good chance they will run out as early as January and certainly by sweeps. This means good strong shows that people like such as Heroes and Grey's Anatomy won't have new material, and struggling shows like Friday Night Lights will likely go off the air, potentially for keeps (I wonder if Coach Taylor got a paper a day early telling him the news??). It also means that reality tv (whose writers aren't under WGA contract) will become even more dominant and prevalent, and I honestly don't think I can take it. Over the weekend, while relaxing, My Brooklyn Compatriot and I watched an episode of Salt N' Pepa's reality show (cleverly entitled The Salt-N-Pepa Show), followed by an episode of America's Most Smartest Model (somehow hosted by Ben Stein who must have the most rollercoaster life/career out of anyone), and then a couple episodes of A Shot At Love with Tila Tequila-- who is a self made internet celebrity (she's got a lot of facebook friends). With full writer availability, THESE ARE THE SHOWS THAT ARE STILL ON TV. I can't imagine what will happen when more are requested. "America's Least Retarded Mentally Challenged Dog", followed by, "Decide If You'd Like The Bargain Or Would You Rather Eat Something Gross", followed by, "Goiter Love." Plus, shows like Primetime Rachel Ray might start happening. We were all confused enough when 60 Minutes was on twice and when somehow Dateline and 20/20 made it onto regular television viewing schedules, but I couldn't take something like "Al Roker Goes To Waterparks." Maybe Anthony Bourdain will somehow get the hookup and make a primetime unscripted food/travel special like No Reservations. That'd be cool.
On the plus side, sort of, internet television might get a boost. Channels like NBC and ABC already have original online content and shows only available at their sites, but they are also under the WGA. Which means other online shows such as everything on Channel101.com and my biased enjoyment of Couples Therapy, might get a boost of viewing. This won't effect the strike directly, but it might change viewership somewhat once it is resolved. The internet is pumping out some great stuff (It's Always Funny In Philadelphia won that pitch a show yourself and make it contest on FX), and this might open up opportunities for more people to get discovered (Channel101.com has been a creative breeding ground-- if ultimately an inbreeding ground-- for new talent).
So there are positives and negatives. Hopefully, this thing will get resolved quickly and television life will go on. Ideally, the writers will get a better deal. Unfortunately, with so much money and intricate financials operating in the equation, there's a good chance it will take some time. We can only wait and see...how quick it will go....who Tila Tequila chooses...who America's Most Smartest Model is (incidentally, Hollywood Steve from channel101.com's Yacht Rock, was in the episode of America's Most Smartest Model)...if Pepa will ever grow to be as together and with it as Salt is (WHO WOULDA GUESSED!).....
I'd Also Feel OK If Everyone Got Fired And I Somehow Managed To Get A Job As A Writer,
Witz (call me)
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Witz Pickz: Wristcutters: A Love Story -- NOW PLAYING!
FINALLY! I know I've talked about it a lot, but the movie I saw two+ years ago, Wristcutters: A Love Story is FIIIIINALLY out in theaters EVERYWHERE. They couldn't get distribution, won tons of festival awards, got distribution, was released only in NYC on October 19th despite my announcement that it was released nationwide (as I'd been told), but NOW, as of November 2nd, it is officially in theaters nationwide.
Click Here for showtimes near you!
Click Here for the Wristcutters: A Love Story home page!
Click Here for the Wristcutters: A Love Story myspace page!
Click Here to buy the soundtrack!
Click Here for a hilarious picture of a gopher!
Wristcutters: A Love Story -- Starring Patrick Fugit, Shannon Sossamon, Shea Wigham, Tom Waits, Will Arnett, John Hawkes. Directed by Goran Dukic. Music including Serge Gainsbourg, Gogol Bordello, and more. Runtime: 88 minutes
Patrick Fugit, Shea Wigham, and Shannyn Sossamon star in this morbid dramatic-pseudo-romantic-comedy based on the short story, "Kneller's Happy Campers" by Etgar Keret, Zia (Fugit) commits suicide after his girlfriend Mikal (Sossamon) breaks up with him. He then ends up in the land of the suicides, forced to "live" in the strange realm and all of its unique rules, still pining after Mikal and meeting strange and interesting "people" along the way. With great acting, cinematography, and soundtrack, you have to pay the 10 bucks to go see this in theatres, if only because of how hard everyone involved worked to get it into theatres. I'll open up some time for you: Gone Baby Gone will be just as good on your DVD player and Into The Wild probably isn't playing near you anymore. Bee Movie is gonna make you feel lame when you buy tickets, and you're probably a bad person (who needs bad movies) if you go to Saw IV. Wouldn't you rather watch Saw IV at home where you have a better chance of getting laid during a "scared" moment with a special person/cheap date? American Gangster will probably be good though...and I also wanna see Lars and the Real Girl...but if you see Wristcutters: A Love Story, you will get to a) be hip and cool b) say that you saw Wristcutters out loud and without regret in public and c) make me happy and be able to talk to me about it.
I realize I've hyped this thing to the extreme over the last ton of months, and it might not end up living up to that hype, so just know this-- it's not the best movie ever, but it's a terrific indie flick that won a lot of awards, has a great sense of humor, not the best ending ever, but is the epitome of what indie films must go through to succeed.
Flickz,
Witz
Click Here for showtimes near you!
Click Here for the Wristcutters: A Love Story home page!
Click Here for the Wristcutters: A Love Story myspace page!
Click Here to buy the soundtrack!
Click Here for a hilarious picture of a gopher!
Wristcutters: A Love Story -- Starring Patrick Fugit, Shannon Sossamon, Shea Wigham, Tom Waits, Will Arnett, John Hawkes. Directed by Goran Dukic. Music including Serge Gainsbourg, Gogol Bordello, and more. Runtime: 88 minutes
Patrick Fugit, Shea Wigham, and Shannyn Sossamon star in this morbid dramatic-pseudo-romantic-comedy based on the short story, "Kneller's Happy Campers" by Etgar Keret, Zia (Fugit) commits suicide after his girlfriend Mikal (Sossamon) breaks up with him. He then ends up in the land of the suicides, forced to "live" in the strange realm and all of its unique rules, still pining after Mikal and meeting strange and interesting "people" along the way. With great acting, cinematography, and soundtrack, you have to pay the 10 bucks to go see this in theatres, if only because of how hard everyone involved worked to get it into theatres. I'll open up some time for you: Gone Baby Gone will be just as good on your DVD player and Into The Wild probably isn't playing near you anymore. Bee Movie is gonna make you feel lame when you buy tickets, and you're probably a bad person (who needs bad movies) if you go to Saw IV. Wouldn't you rather watch Saw IV at home where you have a better chance of getting laid during a "scared" moment with a special person/cheap date? American Gangster will probably be good though...and I also wanna see Lars and the Real Girl...but if you see Wristcutters: A Love Story, you will get to a) be hip and cool b) say that you saw Wristcutters out loud and without regret in public and c) make me happy and be able to talk to me about it.
I realize I've hyped this thing to the extreme over the last ton of months, and it might not end up living up to that hype, so just know this-- it's not the best movie ever, but it's a terrific indie flick that won a lot of awards, has a great sense of humor, not the best ending ever, but is the epitome of what indie films must go through to succeed.
Flickz,
Witz
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Witz Pickz: Ultimate Television Lineup!
I wrote one of these a few years back when Witz Pickz was a column in a student newspaper. How far I've come-- now Witz Pickz is an online blog read by...well fewer people probably. That's kind of a downer. But I respect you all so much more. So here's the glorious TV Lineup Post-- just far enough into the seasons that I can tell what's good, but not so far that you can't go back and watch the first episodes online.
SUNDAY:
9pm: Dexter (SHO) -- There can't possibly be a better way to kickoff the week than with Dexter. One of the most brilliantly conceived (by Jeff Lindsay in his books) and executed series on television, Dexter has finally started to blow up all over the place. I won't tell you what it's about if you don't already know, because finding out is half the fun. Since nobody gets Showtime, check this out on iTunes, or download it. SO GOOD.
9pm: Family Guy (FOX) -- ...is still hilarious. You know what it is. Watch it.
10pm: Curb your Enthusiasm (HBO) -- Has put up a terrific season thus far. Unlike some of the seasons which wavered and had some annoying episodes (where everyone blames Larry for things that nobody in real life would blame someone for), this season has been packed with laughs and some great new characters.
MONDAY:
8pm: How I Met Your Mother (CBS) -- There's not much on Monday nights, but if you have to watch something at eight, you might as well watch How I Met Your Mother, which was amusing the few times I saw it and I wholeheartedly support Jason Segul (Slackers, Undeclared, Knocked Up).
9pm: Heroes (NBC) -- The second season has more twists, more characters, and more of the same X-Men ripoff that Season One had. PLUS, Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) got signed on, so that's great.
10pm: Weeds (SHO) -- Topping off Mondays is the show nobody watches live. I still don't know more than one or two people with Showtime, but hey, that's why downloading and iTunes exists. Pickup the newest episodes of Weeds on Tuesdays. It's gotten better with time, and this season really is more interesting and amusing than ever.
TUESDAY:
9pm: House (FOX) -- Hugh Laurie is still solving Medical Mysteries the way Sherlock Holmes solved Regular Mysteries. I love it. I went back and watched Season 3 on DVD and it was great. The 3 fellowship people are gone in Season Four and he has to get a whole new group to help him out. It's a credit to the show and to the viewers that they feel ok doing this. The new group is promising and Hugh Laurie is still brilliantly acting. I swear the show used to be called House MD, but I guess they dropped the MD in the way bands drop the (A) or (The) before their name or people drop last names.
WEDNESDAY:
8pm: Pushing Daisies (ABC) -- This show might take a grain of salt to get into, but it's entirely worth it for the dialogue. The show is narrated and shot like a fairy tale, with a hint of Amelie, but with a whole lot of attitude and wit. Quips abound, amusing narrative devices and interactions, and fast paced witty writing keep the show interesting, even if some of the happier moments are a bit cheesy and overdone. The writers are well aware of this issue, however, as they always have a cynical character present for any moment that is too "fairy tale ending." Also, the show has the "I don't have a pen..." guy from Heatvision and Jack. AWESOME (but you probably don't know what that is).
9pm: Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) -- Going along the angry British people theme, Fox made an American version of the Gordon Ramsey show still airing on BBC. Starring Gordon Ramsey the brilliant, passionate, and extremely angry chef from Hell's Kitchen, the show has run down abominations of restaurants use Gordon as a consultant to get the place back in working condition. Along the way, Ramsey screams, swears, and insults his way to success. It gets redundant after a few episodes, but your other options are Private Practice, possibly the worst spin off show in years, and Josh Schwartz's new project, Gossip Girl, which is like The OC, but without any wit, quirk, or good soundtrack. (Note: A lot of you are probably wondering, "But wait, doesn't that mean he's SEEN Gossip Girl??" to which I reply, I'd do anything for you readers, even sit through an episode or two of a bad show on The CW brutalizing the talents of Kristen Bell).
10pm: Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) -- Losing steam as it goes on, DSM to fans (or bloggers who don't want to write it out all the time) is just a decently solid show with some good cinematography and interesting characters. It's purposefully a bit over the top, but with Peter Krauss and Donald Sutherland holding down the cast, along with some good young actors and the chick from The OC (Anna) and Entourage (Ari's first assistant who dates Eric), it's pretty good acting too. And for my disgruntled fans of a previous DSM post, The Baldwin Brother does the job well.
THURSDAY:
8pm: Survivor China (CBS) -- I'm not just writing this because I blog about it on tvfodder.com....seriously....I'm not...
8:30pm: 30 Rock (NBC) -- Funnier and funnier. Tracy Morgan found his role. Alec Baldwin found his role. NBC better keep it going another season or two.
9pm: The Office (NBC) -- I'm wondering how long The Office can keep it up. Eventually, it's going to get bad and how many seasons can it seriously last? Each week they put up solid comedy and they managed to get Pam and Jim together without jumping the shark. Oh-- you didn't know about that? Get over it, it's just a comedy, the plot's not important. Unfortunately, NBC has plans for a spinoff show, which I can't imagine not being terrible. It would be a spinoff of a show that was an American version of a BBC program. Don't do it (unless they want to use my show about telemarketers as the spinoff-- which would be perfect incidentally...-- then it'd be ok)
FRIDAY:
9pm: (NBC) Friday Night Lights -- They basically gave up the goods in the first season since they didn't know if they'd be back, but keep FNL alive by at least TiVo-ing it. Please? Go Panthers.
SATURDAY:
There's no good tv on Saturdays. Don't even bother.
LEFT OUT:
Entourage -- Not currently airing new episodes, but obviously great
Flight of the Conchords -- Hit and miss, but not airing new episodes either
Grey's Anatomy -- Seriously, it's not a good show. You know it. I know it. We watch it. Fine.
Moonlight -- Vampire detective with Shannon Sossymon and Logan from Veronica Mars in it? Worth a shot. (FRI @ 9 on CBS)
I will repost this with links and such later today. Maybe a few more jokes, who knows? It's a living organism, this internets.
I'm Gonna Make A Show Called Crack And Have It Be About A Drug Dealer Who Sells Crack While Bending Over A Lot With Low Cut Jeans, And People Will Be Like, "Yo, It's So Funny When You Watch It While On Crack!",
Witz
SUNDAY:
9pm: Dexter (SHO) -- There can't possibly be a better way to kickoff the week than with Dexter. One of the most brilliantly conceived (by Jeff Lindsay in his books) and executed series on television, Dexter has finally started to blow up all over the place. I won't tell you what it's about if you don't already know, because finding out is half the fun. Since nobody gets Showtime, check this out on iTunes, or download it. SO GOOD.
9pm: Family Guy (FOX) -- ...is still hilarious. You know what it is. Watch it.
10pm: Curb your Enthusiasm (HBO) -- Has put up a terrific season thus far. Unlike some of the seasons which wavered and had some annoying episodes (where everyone blames Larry for things that nobody in real life would blame someone for), this season has been packed with laughs and some great new characters.
MONDAY:
8pm: How I Met Your Mother (CBS) -- There's not much on Monday nights, but if you have to watch something at eight, you might as well watch How I Met Your Mother, which was amusing the few times I saw it and I wholeheartedly support Jason Segul (Slackers, Undeclared, Knocked Up).
9pm: Heroes (NBC) -- The second season has more twists, more characters, and more of the same X-Men ripoff that Season One had. PLUS, Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) got signed on, so that's great.
10pm: Weeds (SHO) -- Topping off Mondays is the show nobody watches live. I still don't know more than one or two people with Showtime, but hey, that's why downloading and iTunes exists. Pickup the newest episodes of Weeds on Tuesdays. It's gotten better with time, and this season really is more interesting and amusing than ever.
TUESDAY:
9pm: House (FOX) -- Hugh Laurie is still solving Medical Mysteries the way Sherlock Holmes solved Regular Mysteries. I love it. I went back and watched Season 3 on DVD and it was great. The 3 fellowship people are gone in Season Four and he has to get a whole new group to help him out. It's a credit to the show and to the viewers that they feel ok doing this. The new group is promising and Hugh Laurie is still brilliantly acting. I swear the show used to be called House MD, but I guess they dropped the MD in the way bands drop the (A) or (The) before their name or people drop last names.
WEDNESDAY:
8pm: Pushing Daisies (ABC) -- This show might take a grain of salt to get into, but it's entirely worth it for the dialogue. The show is narrated and shot like a fairy tale, with a hint of Amelie, but with a whole lot of attitude and wit. Quips abound, amusing narrative devices and interactions, and fast paced witty writing keep the show interesting, even if some of the happier moments are a bit cheesy and overdone. The writers are well aware of this issue, however, as they always have a cynical character present for any moment that is too "fairy tale ending." Also, the show has the "I don't have a pen..." guy from Heatvision and Jack. AWESOME (but you probably don't know what that is).
9pm: Kitchen Nightmares (FOX) -- Going along the angry British people theme, Fox made an American version of the Gordon Ramsey show still airing on BBC. Starring Gordon Ramsey the brilliant, passionate, and extremely angry chef from Hell's Kitchen, the show has run down abominations of restaurants use Gordon as a consultant to get the place back in working condition. Along the way, Ramsey screams, swears, and insults his way to success. It gets redundant after a few episodes, but your other options are Private Practice, possibly the worst spin off show in years, and Josh Schwartz's new project, Gossip Girl, which is like The OC, but without any wit, quirk, or good soundtrack. (Note: A lot of you are probably wondering, "But wait, doesn't that mean he's SEEN Gossip Girl??" to which I reply, I'd do anything for you readers, even sit through an episode or two of a bad show on The CW brutalizing the talents of Kristen Bell).
10pm: Dirty Sexy Money (ABC) -- Losing steam as it goes on, DSM to fans (or bloggers who don't want to write it out all the time) is just a decently solid show with some good cinematography and interesting characters. It's purposefully a bit over the top, but with Peter Krauss and Donald Sutherland holding down the cast, along with some good young actors and the chick from The OC (Anna) and Entourage (Ari's first assistant who dates Eric), it's pretty good acting too. And for my disgruntled fans of a previous DSM post, The Baldwin Brother does the job well.
THURSDAY:
8pm: Survivor China (CBS) -- I'm not just writing this because I blog about it on tvfodder.com....seriously....I'm not...
8:30pm: 30 Rock (NBC) -- Funnier and funnier. Tracy Morgan found his role. Alec Baldwin found his role. NBC better keep it going another season or two.
9pm: The Office (NBC) -- I'm wondering how long The Office can keep it up. Eventually, it's going to get bad and how many seasons can it seriously last? Each week they put up solid comedy and they managed to get Pam and Jim together without jumping the shark. Oh-- you didn't know about that? Get over it, it's just a comedy, the plot's not important. Unfortunately, NBC has plans for a spinoff show, which I can't imagine not being terrible. It would be a spinoff of a show that was an American version of a BBC program. Don't do it (unless they want to use my show about telemarketers as the spinoff-- which would be perfect incidentally...-- then it'd be ok)
FRIDAY:
9pm: (NBC) Friday Night Lights -- They basically gave up the goods in the first season since they didn't know if they'd be back, but keep FNL alive by at least TiVo-ing it. Please? Go Panthers.
SATURDAY:
There's no good tv on Saturdays. Don't even bother.
LEFT OUT:
Entourage -- Not currently airing new episodes, but obviously great
Flight of the Conchords -- Hit and miss, but not airing new episodes either
Grey's Anatomy -- Seriously, it's not a good show. You know it. I know it. We watch it. Fine.
Moonlight -- Vampire detective with Shannon Sossymon and Logan from Veronica Mars in it? Worth a shot. (FRI @ 9 on CBS)
I will repost this with links and such later today. Maybe a few more jokes, who knows? It's a living organism, this internets.
I'm Gonna Make A Show Called Crack And Have It Be About A Drug Dealer Who Sells Crack While Bending Over A Lot With Low Cut Jeans, And People Will Be Like, "Yo, It's So Funny When You Watch It While On Crack!",
Witz
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Witz Pickz: Eddie Vedder, Hating Kids, Noteworthy Books, and MORE!
Happy Halloween-- as a spooky super secret surprise...I didn't post until 9pm! Do I know how to celebrate an outdated holiday or what!?
Eddie Vedder - Into the Wild Soundtrack: I've just about had it with all these solo albums from rockers. Chuck Ragan of Hot Water Music does a great solo album with a pseudo folk feel to it. Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine has a decent Americana Folk album out as The Nightwatchman. Bad Religion frontman Greg Graffin has a new solo album out. All of them are solo albums that are at least somewhat different from their full band's endeavors, so I accept them. But nothing annoys me more in music than when a frontman goes solo in order to produce an album EXACTLY like the band they usually play with. Tom Delange of Blink 182 went off to make Angels & Airwaves and Boxcar Racer in order to write songs identical to the more emo tracks by Blink 182. Just a few weeks ago, Serj Tankian put out an album that sounds exactly like System of a Down. Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie has written inumerable songs that sound exactly like Death Cab tracks. And most recently, Eddie Vedder has put out the soundtrack to Into the Wild, writing songs that would be very accessible in a Pearl Jam collection. So what gives? Why do these people keep shirking their bandmates to create songs that their band could totally play. I can understand if it's an acoustic, solo thing-- but most of these guys have full bands backing them. I guess primarily, it's the fact that the frontmen already have such distinctive and unique voices, that no matter who plays behind them it's going to sound like themselves. When Chris Cornell and Rage Against the Machine teamed up, Audioslave sounded like a variation on a Soundgarden album. If Michael Stipe sings with anyone else, it's going to sound like R.E.M. Bands that have changed their sound over the years aren't able to escape their former bands by making new ones, because no matter what they do (unless they create a LUTE ALBUM like Sting), their creation would have been acceptable to the old fans. I feel like the old bandmates MUST either hate the front guy who does his own thing, or HATE the music that they are going to be making. Otherwise, why would they split up for the new gig?
Regardless, Eddie Vedder's new solo album is incredibly good. It clocks in at just over 30 minutes, which is a bit weak, but each song flows perfectly into the next, creating the feeling of one long song, blending and merging, with various movements and moods. There are one or two obvious "hits" that are being played on the radio, but when put in the context of the full album, these songs are even better. "Hard Sun" is one of the longest and best songs on the album, and it's one of those songs where you KNOW Vedder hit on a rhythm and lyric that he liked and realized he could sing it over and over again while only making it better. I don't know if it's worth 10-15 bucks, but if you can get the mp3's or find a friend's copy, it's entirely worth checking out and listening to (I'd actually be willing to pay 10, but not 15). Check it out.
Hating Kids: I decided tonight that I really dislike children. Not in a specific sense, or an always sense, but in a "sporadically upon reflection" sense, i.e. when they ring your doorbell obnoxiously and demand candy, then take more candy than you said, even though you were allowing way more pieces than most other people. I mean, I get it, Halloween is fun, and I always got a lotta candy, but I didn't ring the doorbell a million times, or knock on the door like a jackass. Little kids are cute, they win. After that, they are annoying. They're either awkward or too cool or awkwardly uncool. They want to impress the kids they're with, and act like "the man" when they take a lotta candy despite what you say. Mark this as the day I sound MOST like Andy Rooney. It's not a proud day for me, but it's certainly a Wednesday.
New Books Worth Reading!(?): Nick Hornby has a new book out allegedly for teens, but according to Borders, bought mainly by adults who are enjoying it themselves since it's Nick Hornby. Michael Chabon has a new book out about some very specific niche literary, Jewish, satire/adventure something something. I'm guessing he's gone too far into his tiny realm of the world. JEFF LINDSAY has a new Dexter book out! Dexter In the Dark is the third book in the Dexter book series that the TV series is based on. The plots differ (at least through book two) so you don't have to worry about overlapping secrets, and the writing is quick and fun. I'm pumped to check it out....from the library....eventually....because I can't pay 25 bucks for a hardcover 6 hour mystery read....Tom Perotta, author of Little Children and Election has a new book out-- I got nothing else about that one except there's probably a lot of sex involved.
Fact: Curb Your Enthusiasm is KILLIN IT THIS YEAR! Watch it immediately.
Opinion: Seinfeld has gone too far with the HP ads and the Bee Movie promos.
Fact: VCR's are still useful for taping things and transporting them.
Action Item: Get a job.
Opinion: Friday Night Lights has some problems this season, but Explosions In the Sky still does a kickass soundtrack and other albums.
Cool Name: Chuck Sturges.
Best Sport This Weekend: SAT: New England vs. New York MLS playoffs. SUN: Pats vs. Colts.
I'm thinking about a tv lineup post tomorrow-- we'll see what happens. Happy Halloween and how are Milk Duds still in production?
The Fact/Opinion/Etc Portion Is Like If I Went Solo,
Witz
Eddie Vedder - Into the Wild Soundtrack: I've just about had it with all these solo albums from rockers. Chuck Ragan of Hot Water Music does a great solo album with a pseudo folk feel to it. Tom Morello of Rage Against the Machine has a decent Americana Folk album out as The Nightwatchman. Bad Religion frontman Greg Graffin has a new solo album out. All of them are solo albums that are at least somewhat different from their full band's endeavors, so I accept them. But nothing annoys me more in music than when a frontman goes solo in order to produce an album EXACTLY like the band they usually play with. Tom Delange of Blink 182 went off to make Angels & Airwaves and Boxcar Racer in order to write songs identical to the more emo tracks by Blink 182. Just a few weeks ago, Serj Tankian put out an album that sounds exactly like System of a Down. Ben Gibbard of Death Cab For Cutie has written inumerable songs that sound exactly like Death Cab tracks. And most recently, Eddie Vedder has put out the soundtrack to Into the Wild, writing songs that would be very accessible in a Pearl Jam collection. So what gives? Why do these people keep shirking their bandmates to create songs that their band could totally play. I can understand if it's an acoustic, solo thing-- but most of these guys have full bands backing them. I guess primarily, it's the fact that the frontmen already have such distinctive and unique voices, that no matter who plays behind them it's going to sound like themselves. When Chris Cornell and Rage Against the Machine teamed up, Audioslave sounded like a variation on a Soundgarden album. If Michael Stipe sings with anyone else, it's going to sound like R.E.M. Bands that have changed their sound over the years aren't able to escape their former bands by making new ones, because no matter what they do (unless they create a LUTE ALBUM like Sting), their creation would have been acceptable to the old fans. I feel like the old bandmates MUST either hate the front guy who does his own thing, or HATE the music that they are going to be making. Otherwise, why would they split up for the new gig?
Regardless, Eddie Vedder's new solo album is incredibly good. It clocks in at just over 30 minutes, which is a bit weak, but each song flows perfectly into the next, creating the feeling of one long song, blending and merging, with various movements and moods. There are one or two obvious "hits" that are being played on the radio, but when put in the context of the full album, these songs are even better. "Hard Sun" is one of the longest and best songs on the album, and it's one of those songs where you KNOW Vedder hit on a rhythm and lyric that he liked and realized he could sing it over and over again while only making it better. I don't know if it's worth 10-15 bucks, but if you can get the mp3's or find a friend's copy, it's entirely worth checking out and listening to (I'd actually be willing to pay 10, but not 15). Check it out.
Hating Kids: I decided tonight that I really dislike children. Not in a specific sense, or an always sense, but in a "sporadically upon reflection" sense, i.e. when they ring your doorbell obnoxiously and demand candy, then take more candy than you said, even though you were allowing way more pieces than most other people. I mean, I get it, Halloween is fun, and I always got a lotta candy, but I didn't ring the doorbell a million times, or knock on the door like a jackass. Little kids are cute, they win. After that, they are annoying. They're either awkward or too cool or awkwardly uncool. They want to impress the kids they're with, and act like "the man" when they take a lotta candy despite what you say. Mark this as the day I sound MOST like Andy Rooney. It's not a proud day for me, but it's certainly a Wednesday.
New Books Worth Reading!(?): Nick Hornby has a new book out allegedly for teens, but according to Borders, bought mainly by adults who are enjoying it themselves since it's Nick Hornby. Michael Chabon has a new book out about some very specific niche literary, Jewish, satire/adventure something something. I'm guessing he's gone too far into his tiny realm of the world. JEFF LINDSAY has a new Dexter book out! Dexter In the Dark is the third book in the Dexter book series that the TV series is based on. The plots differ (at least through book two) so you don't have to worry about overlapping secrets, and the writing is quick and fun. I'm pumped to check it out....from the library....eventually....because I can't pay 25 bucks for a hardcover 6 hour mystery read....Tom Perotta, author of Little Children and Election has a new book out-- I got nothing else about that one except there's probably a lot of sex involved.
Fact: Curb Your Enthusiasm is KILLIN IT THIS YEAR! Watch it immediately.
Opinion: Seinfeld has gone too far with the HP ads and the Bee Movie promos.
Fact: VCR's are still useful for taping things and transporting them.
Action Item: Get a job.
Opinion: Friday Night Lights has some problems this season, but Explosions In the Sky still does a kickass soundtrack and other albums.
Cool Name: Chuck Sturges.
Best Sport This Weekend: SAT: New England vs. New York MLS playoffs. SUN: Pats vs. Colts.
I'm thinking about a tv lineup post tomorrow-- we'll see what happens. Happy Halloween and how are Milk Duds still in production?
The Fact/Opinion/Etc Portion Is Like If I Went Solo,
Witz
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Witz Pickz: Paul Revere, Rolling Rolling Rolling, and Crispix
Tremendous ovation to the Boston Red Sox World Champions for 2007. Pretty amazing. Moving on:
Paul Revere: I have had it with all the Paul Revere slander. Part of my girlfriend's studies include historical perspectives and how important they are. It got me thinking about Paul Revere and how the one main story about Paul Revere is his horseback journey allerting everyone that "the British are coming." But later narratives say that numerous people were riding and spreading the word, and Paul Revere is the only one who got famous from it. Well ya know what? FINE! Fact: Paul Revere road his horse a long way. Fact: Paul Revere got the word out. Fact: Paul Revere has a pretty good Beastie Boys song named after him. LAY OFF PAUL REVERE. Also, going further with the historical perspectives, I thought about how the British must feel about the whole thing. Sure, we were going along getting our defenses up and winning our independence, but the British weren't so psyched. They were like, "Shhuuuuuuutttt uuuuuuuup P-Revs!" But he was like me on rollerblades and was like, "I don't know how to stop!" and kept on riding. And the whole one Old North Church thing with the lamps, I bet they were pretty ripshit about that, too. They probably felt the same way a pitcher does when the runner on second base is stealing signs from the catcher. "One if by land, two if by curveball..." Caught stealing. Taxes, tea...this unnecessary baseball analogy can end now. Anyway, my point is, give Paul Revere a break. The next time you hear someone say, "You know, someone else rode around like Revere did," say, "You know, some people don't think The Holocaust happened," and then wink. Nothing throws people off more than winking.
"Rolling" Events: The Red Sox "Rolling Rally" got me thinking about how useful "Rolling" events are. The Rolling Rally involves all the Sox players on Duck Boats continuously moving through the parade route. Instead of stopping and gathering at the end like most rallies, they celebrate all along the way with a few key hesitation spots where they perform or speak, etc. It works like a charm as I learned in 2004, and this time seemed the same. But what other Rolling events are there? Well, "Rolling" Admissions was pretty sweet. If you had your shit together and/or wanted to get the admissions thing over with, you could apply to college earlier rather than later and find out sooner if you got in. If you did, you didn't have to do any more work on more apps or very much in school at all. If you didn't-- time to get it in gear and try again. Nice barometer. On the other hand, Rolling Rock beer is gross and The Rolling Stones aren't relevant.
Crispix: Still delicious after all these years. I like Crispix for two reasons-- first for the fact that they are tasty, but also for the fact that they were created and cashed in on the "Crispy Cereal" craze of the mid-90's by claiming that they stay crispy in milk. They went so far as the name their product Crisp-ix. And all of this despite the glaring fact that they don't even remotely stay Crispy in milk. The TOP HALF of the cereal stays crispy for a bit since it floats above milk level, but the bottom half gets totally soggy within minutes. But they don't care and neither do we. We still buy it and it's still tasty, if hastily eaten.
Witz Pickz Stays Crispy In Milk, Orange Juice, and The Dead Sea,
Witz
Paul Revere: I have had it with all the Paul Revere slander. Part of my girlfriend's studies include historical perspectives and how important they are. It got me thinking about Paul Revere and how the one main story about Paul Revere is his horseback journey allerting everyone that "the British are coming." But later narratives say that numerous people were riding and spreading the word, and Paul Revere is the only one who got famous from it. Well ya know what? FINE! Fact: Paul Revere road his horse a long way. Fact: Paul Revere got the word out. Fact: Paul Revere has a pretty good Beastie Boys song named after him. LAY OFF PAUL REVERE. Also, going further with the historical perspectives, I thought about how the British must feel about the whole thing. Sure, we were going along getting our defenses up and winning our independence, but the British weren't so psyched. They were like, "Shhuuuuuuutttt uuuuuuuup P-Revs!" But he was like me on rollerblades and was like, "I don't know how to stop!" and kept on riding. And the whole one Old North Church thing with the lamps, I bet they were pretty ripshit about that, too. They probably felt the same way a pitcher does when the runner on second base is stealing signs from the catcher. "One if by land, two if by curveball..." Caught stealing. Taxes, tea...this unnecessary baseball analogy can end now. Anyway, my point is, give Paul Revere a break. The next time you hear someone say, "You know, someone else rode around like Revere did," say, "You know, some people don't think The Holocaust happened," and then wink. Nothing throws people off more than winking.
"Rolling" Events: The Red Sox "Rolling Rally" got me thinking about how useful "Rolling" events are. The Rolling Rally involves all the Sox players on Duck Boats continuously moving through the parade route. Instead of stopping and gathering at the end like most rallies, they celebrate all along the way with a few key hesitation spots where they perform or speak, etc. It works like a charm as I learned in 2004, and this time seemed the same. But what other Rolling events are there? Well, "Rolling" Admissions was pretty sweet. If you had your shit together and/or wanted to get the admissions thing over with, you could apply to college earlier rather than later and find out sooner if you got in. If you did, you didn't have to do any more work on more apps or very much in school at all. If you didn't-- time to get it in gear and try again. Nice barometer. On the other hand, Rolling Rock beer is gross and The Rolling Stones aren't relevant.
Crispix: Still delicious after all these years. I like Crispix for two reasons-- first for the fact that they are tasty, but also for the fact that they were created and cashed in on the "Crispy Cereal" craze of the mid-90's by claiming that they stay crispy in milk. They went so far as the name their product Crisp-ix. And all of this despite the glaring fact that they don't even remotely stay Crispy in milk. The TOP HALF of the cereal stays crispy for a bit since it floats above milk level, but the bottom half gets totally soggy within minutes. But they don't care and neither do we. We still buy it and it's still tasty, if hastily eaten.
Witz Pickz Stays Crispy In Milk, Orange Juice, and The Dead Sea,
Witz
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: Air Travel, Evan Almighty, and MORE
Sorry for the lack of posts the last couple days, I was travelling and so I figured I'd make up for it with a post on Saturday (unorthodox to the max!). One might call it The Saturday Post, but that might get confusing and infringe on copyrights-- or cause the ghost of Norman Rockwell to haunt me, pastorally and in the simplest of ways. I bet it'd be quaint as hell.
Evan Almighty: Let me first say that I wasn't a fan of Bruce Almighty, but when I saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes were in a movie together, I ignored the franchise involvement and decided I wanted to see the movie...on DVD...preferably for free. After rocking a 30-Day free Netflix trial, I realized this scenario was entirely possible, and hastily added Evan Almighty to the queue. It arrived, and still filled with mild interest, I brought it over to My Friend With A Pool's apartment to watch (because if you ain't watchin' Evan Almighty on a nice, big tv, you just aren't watching Evan Almighty-- *this statement will be soon disproved). So we watch the movie and guess what? It's not very good. It has the occasional giggle moment and Steve Carrell nailed one or two jokes as did Wanda Sykes, but overall, it was lame, cutesie, and a lot of the jokes were ill-advised. The first two parts were not unexpected, but the joke quality should have been higher. Anyway, once I realized the movie wasn't very good, I was sitting and thinking about it and came to a realization that I should have thought of and been wary of earlier: Evan is not Almighty. Bruce-- now HE was Almighty, that was the point of the movie. God gave him His powers for the duration, and Bruce had to deal with shit, ultimately coming to realization, as all must, that when handed the powers of God, and put under duress, one can ultimately devise a system for handling God's business and do alright with the whole thing. Good moral. Evan, however, was not given God's powers. No, instead, Evan was given impediments to his everyday life, and asked to build an outdated naval vehicle, i.e. an ark. God makes him build an ark so that his family will bond with a family activity, to ruin John Goodman's political career, and so the word "ark" is in people's minds when they come out with Indiana Jones 4. Given no powers beyond freakishly fast growing hair and beard, and potato sack robes (which came first, potato sacks or sack robes?), Evan has to use all the tools and supplies God gives him to build the ark. Nevermind that it would be quite the undertaking with modern tools and, say, a metal tanker, but he has to do it with old timey tools and wood. Oh, but animals will help, no big deal. Oh, and when those animals literally help BUILD AN ARK, people will still doubt that Evan is doing God's bidding. He's just good with animals, I guess. Idiots. Regardless, they shouldn't have pushed the Almighty Franchise (pun deliciously intended), because it makes no sense beyond the excessiveness of Morgan Freeman. They should have called it Evan Of-Average-Morality-and-Strength or Noah's Ark 2000 or Evan D'Ark or Noah's Ark 2. Anything except Evan Almighty, which is entirely contrary to the plot of the film. Stupid.
Air Travel: So I flew with a non-Southwest airline for the second time in about 16 flights. 14 of those flights with Southwest all went well, on time and smooth. My last flight on US Air went miserably with delays, and this one with United had massive delays thanks to RAIN in Philly. Are planes getting delayed by rain now? I was under the impression that except for thunderstorms and lightning, rain clouds weren't an issue these days. How wrong I was. Rain can apparently delay a flight for 4 hours when you still have to fly 6 hours to REACH THE RAIN. So we sat while the flight got delayed, finally boarded, only to find out that we had another fun hour ON THE PLANE. But don't worry, because despite the fact that you're now going to miss your connection (formerly with a THREE HOUR layover in Philly), and probably won't get to your final destination until after midnight, because we're gonna put on a movie that you can't watch because we haven't handed out the headphones yet. So I look up at the monitor, hoping for something, ANYTHING to pass the time. And what's the movie that I get to watch during these delays and six hour flight? Evan Almighty. Life is hilarious.
What's the second funniest thing you can find out when you are watching Evan Almighty silently again and it's just as bad as the first time (see, even when watching Evan Almighty on a tiny screen in a plane, you're REALLY watching Evan Almighty)? Hearing these words: "Followed by License to Wed." You can't beat that humor.
I will say that while the flight delays were probably lies to cover some United mixups and problems during the light rain in Philly, and I never trust delays anyway unless I can see actual bad weather (except late openings for schools when it "might" snow-- that's the best ever), and despite them only serving free tiny sugar cookies as a snack, making people pay for sandwhiches and such even after delaying us on a plane for an hour directly during lunch and dinner hours (what would it cost them, 100 bucks to feed everyone for free?), I will say that the customer service girl at the desk did a heluva job and turned my trip entirely around. She helped me get double-booked so I could make a later flight if I missed my original and didn't freak out at me when I questioned which plane my baggage would come in on. She even said, "That's very nice of you" when I said it'd be ok to get booked on an 11pm flight if I missed my 9pm flight-- I can't imagine her having a better solution...Anyway, good for her. Just as US Air was helpful suring my ridiculousness in Newark, United was helpful-- but they also were the only ones with issues since I've been flying with Southwest. Southwest is the way to go, and it's way easier to get bonus tickets.
WITZ PICKZ:
Hillside Tea Self-Heating Chai Tea: I can't wait, I can't wait. I didn't intend on buying it, but when I saw the self-heating tea cans sitting there in the bonus buy section of the supermarket, I didn't have a choice. Apparently, I push a button on this can and it heats itself up. Then, it's hot and ready to drink, and I just crack the top and pound my super hot tea in a can. AWESOME. I have no idea how it works (well, I'm guessing two liquids mix and cause heat), but I don't care. AND in case it didn't already have the element of danger with it, I bought one that was marked down from 2 dollars to 1 dollar for NO APPARENT REASON! SOMETHING is wrong with this one can out of the many, and now that can is MINE! Even the checkout guy was like, "Huh, I don't know why this one is marked down," in a way that meant, "Have fun with your no eyebrows and stumpy arm, cheapo." AWESOME. I am excited. I'll let you know how it goes....hopefully not by blowing into a straw.
We Are All Self-Heating Cans,
Witz
Evan Almighty: Let me first say that I wasn't a fan of Bruce Almighty, but when I saw Steve Carrell and Wanda Sykes were in a movie together, I ignored the franchise involvement and decided I wanted to see the movie...on DVD...preferably for free. After rocking a 30-Day free Netflix trial, I realized this scenario was entirely possible, and hastily added Evan Almighty to the queue. It arrived, and still filled with mild interest, I brought it over to My Friend With A Pool's apartment to watch (because if you ain't watchin' Evan Almighty on a nice, big tv, you just aren't watching Evan Almighty-- *this statement will be soon disproved). So we watch the movie and guess what? It's not very good. It has the occasional giggle moment and Steve Carrell nailed one or two jokes as did Wanda Sykes, but overall, it was lame, cutesie, and a lot of the jokes were ill-advised. The first two parts were not unexpected, but the joke quality should have been higher. Anyway, once I realized the movie wasn't very good, I was sitting and thinking about it and came to a realization that I should have thought of and been wary of earlier: Evan is not Almighty. Bruce-- now HE was Almighty, that was the point of the movie. God gave him His powers for the duration, and Bruce had to deal with shit, ultimately coming to realization, as all must, that when handed the powers of God, and put under duress, one can ultimately devise a system for handling God's business and do alright with the whole thing. Good moral. Evan, however, was not given God's powers. No, instead, Evan was given impediments to his everyday life, and asked to build an outdated naval vehicle, i.e. an ark. God makes him build an ark so that his family will bond with a family activity, to ruin John Goodman's political career, and so the word "ark" is in people's minds when they come out with Indiana Jones 4. Given no powers beyond freakishly fast growing hair and beard, and potato sack robes (which came first, potato sacks or sack robes?), Evan has to use all the tools and supplies God gives him to build the ark. Nevermind that it would be quite the undertaking with modern tools and, say, a metal tanker, but he has to do it with old timey tools and wood. Oh, but animals will help, no big deal. Oh, and when those animals literally help BUILD AN ARK, people will still doubt that Evan is doing God's bidding. He's just good with animals, I guess. Idiots. Regardless, they shouldn't have pushed the Almighty Franchise (pun deliciously intended), because it makes no sense beyond the excessiveness of Morgan Freeman. They should have called it Evan Of-Average-Morality-and-Strength or Noah's Ark 2000 or Evan D'Ark or Noah's Ark 2. Anything except Evan Almighty, which is entirely contrary to the plot of the film. Stupid.
Air Travel: So I flew with a non-Southwest airline for the second time in about 16 flights. 14 of those flights with Southwest all went well, on time and smooth. My last flight on US Air went miserably with delays, and this one with United had massive delays thanks to RAIN in Philly. Are planes getting delayed by rain now? I was under the impression that except for thunderstorms and lightning, rain clouds weren't an issue these days. How wrong I was. Rain can apparently delay a flight for 4 hours when you still have to fly 6 hours to REACH THE RAIN. So we sat while the flight got delayed, finally boarded, only to find out that we had another fun hour ON THE PLANE. But don't worry, because despite the fact that you're now going to miss your connection (formerly with a THREE HOUR layover in Philly), and probably won't get to your final destination until after midnight, because we're gonna put on a movie that you can't watch because we haven't handed out the headphones yet. So I look up at the monitor, hoping for something, ANYTHING to pass the time. And what's the movie that I get to watch during these delays and six hour flight? Evan Almighty. Life is hilarious.
What's the second funniest thing you can find out when you are watching Evan Almighty silently again and it's just as bad as the first time (see, even when watching Evan Almighty on a tiny screen in a plane, you're REALLY watching Evan Almighty)? Hearing these words: "Followed by License to Wed." You can't beat that humor.
I will say that while the flight delays were probably lies to cover some United mixups and problems during the light rain in Philly, and I never trust delays anyway unless I can see actual bad weather (except late openings for schools when it "might" snow-- that's the best ever), and despite them only serving free tiny sugar cookies as a snack, making people pay for sandwhiches and such even after delaying us on a plane for an hour directly during lunch and dinner hours (what would it cost them, 100 bucks to feed everyone for free?), I will say that the customer service girl at the desk did a heluva job and turned my trip entirely around. She helped me get double-booked so I could make a later flight if I missed my original and didn't freak out at me when I questioned which plane my baggage would come in on. She even said, "That's very nice of you" when I said it'd be ok to get booked on an 11pm flight if I missed my 9pm flight-- I can't imagine her having a better solution...Anyway, good for her. Just as US Air was helpful suring my ridiculousness in Newark, United was helpful-- but they also were the only ones with issues since I've been flying with Southwest. Southwest is the way to go, and it's way easier to get bonus tickets.
WITZ PICKZ:
Hillside Tea Self-Heating Chai Tea: I can't wait, I can't wait. I didn't intend on buying it, but when I saw the self-heating tea cans sitting there in the bonus buy section of the supermarket, I didn't have a choice. Apparently, I push a button on this can and it heats itself up. Then, it's hot and ready to drink, and I just crack the top and pound my super hot tea in a can. AWESOME. I have no idea how it works (well, I'm guessing two liquids mix and cause heat), but I don't care. AND in case it didn't already have the element of danger with it, I bought one that was marked down from 2 dollars to 1 dollar for NO APPARENT REASON! SOMETHING is wrong with this one can out of the many, and now that can is MINE! Even the checkout guy was like, "Huh, I don't know why this one is marked down," in a way that meant, "Have fun with your no eyebrows and stumpy arm, cheapo." AWESOME. I am excited. I'll let you know how it goes....hopefully not by blowing into a straw.
We Are All Self-Heating Cans,
Witz
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Witz DOEN'T Pick: The Boy Who Cried "No Post"
Seriously, this time, no post. Sorry. Busy day and I'll be in the air all day tomorrow (Fri), so I probably won't post until Mon when I'll be in Boston or CT or NYC...a lot of travelling. Check back in and remember that suspense makes everything better, like my wondering where the hell Pirates of the Caribbean 3 is on DVD-- it's not even gonna be very good I bet, but it'll be better because I waited for so long. And East Coast pizza...mmmmmm....that's always good. Anyway, they say you lose 30 lbs in the air...or look 30 lbs lighter when filmed in outer space...or look fat in stripes....something...they say somethin...and isn't that enough? Have a great weekend and I'll be back asap.
Oh yeah, and it's cool that the Giants and Dolphins play in London this week...I guess...
Witz!
Oh yeah, and it's cool that the Giants and Dolphins play in London this week...I guess...
Witz!
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Witz Pickz: Cingular Commercial, Trader Joe's Wine, Facial Integrity
Alright, I'll say it-- The Roger Clemens commercial for Cingular is funny. There. Are you happy? I'm talking, of course, about the commercial where Clemens is on the golf course with some baseball execs, and he calls his wife to ask if it's ok with her to play another season in the majors. "All you have to do is say no and I won't do it," he says, at which point the call is dropped, we see her shouting NO into the phone and ultimately Roger tells the execs, "Hey guys, she's so happy! She's speachless," which is the only painful part of the commercial. The "she's so happy" part is funny, but the speachless part is lame. Whatever. I do have a problem with these commercials in general. They show a bunch of situations where a dropped call is a problem, but we all know what a dropped call is. We can all take a look at our phones and have it say, "Call Was Lost!" and understand what that means. So I propose a commercial for cheaper phone with some dropped calls, but where the commercial goes the extra ten seconds where the person looks down at their phone and sees that the call was dropped. Then the slogan guy can say, "Verizon Wireless: We'll drop some calls, but by staying on your parents cell phone family plan, you'll save a few bucks here and there..." and I bet a lot of people nod their heads in agreement.
Trader Joe's Wine: Trader Joe's, at least on the West Coast, has an abundant selection of wine. Following along the bottom shelf, you can find very good bottles of wine for 2.99-4.99, and I don't mean Two Buck Chuck. There is a really good French Table Wine for 2.99 that was surprisingly good the other night, and a bottle called L'Authentique for 3.99, both very good. I would stay away from the Chilean cheap stuff though, as it's really dry and kinda gross overall-- that's professional wine description speak.
Facial Integrity: I'm glad our faces rebound from very basic situations. I woke up this morning with lines across my face from how I slept on my pillow and sheets, and thanks to life experience, I didn't absolutely freak out and rush to the hospital (though I freaked out a little, because you still don't expect LINES ON YOUR FACE when you look in the mirror). I remembered that my face KNOWS generally how it's supposed to look, and will slowly but surely return to that state in case of a weird sleep or a punch to the face, or a meeting with the pavement, etc. Can you imagine if our faces were maleable? Every time we touched them or fell asleep on a sofa, or got hit by a ball, our faces changed for keeps? Our visual identities constantly in flux, would definitely keep people on edge and I bet crime would skyrocket. Lemme rephrase that-- wherever I was living, crime would SKYROCKET. But extracurricular criminal activity opportunities aside, I am glad for our facial integrity, our bone structure and skin resilience. And also gnutella. That stuff is freaking delicious.
Job Interview--
Interviewer: And do you feel you have integrity?
Interviewee: I feel I have extreme FACIAL integrity....
Witz
Trader Joe's Wine: Trader Joe's, at least on the West Coast, has an abundant selection of wine. Following along the bottom shelf, you can find very good bottles of wine for 2.99-4.99, and I don't mean Two Buck Chuck. There is a really good French Table Wine for 2.99 that was surprisingly good the other night, and a bottle called L'Authentique for 3.99, both very good. I would stay away from the Chilean cheap stuff though, as it's really dry and kinda gross overall-- that's professional wine description speak.
Facial Integrity: I'm glad our faces rebound from very basic situations. I woke up this morning with lines across my face from how I slept on my pillow and sheets, and thanks to life experience, I didn't absolutely freak out and rush to the hospital (though I freaked out a little, because you still don't expect LINES ON YOUR FACE when you look in the mirror). I remembered that my face KNOWS generally how it's supposed to look, and will slowly but surely return to that state in case of a weird sleep or a punch to the face, or a meeting with the pavement, etc. Can you imagine if our faces were maleable? Every time we touched them or fell asleep on a sofa, or got hit by a ball, our faces changed for keeps? Our visual identities constantly in flux, would definitely keep people on edge and I bet crime would skyrocket. Lemme rephrase that-- wherever I was living, crime would SKYROCKET. But extracurricular criminal activity opportunities aside, I am glad for our facial integrity, our bone structure and skin resilience. And also gnutella. That stuff is freaking delicious.
Job Interview--
Interviewer: And do you feel you have integrity?
Interviewee: I feel I have extreme FACIAL integrity....
Witz
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick:.......nono, period, that's it....
Sorry I haven't picked today-- I probably won't by the time the workday ends so I'll try and double up by writing a few tonight for you guys to feed on tomorrow. I would have picked today, but I spent the last three hours waiting in a FAKE INTERNET LINE TO TRY AND GET COLORADO ROCKIES WORLD SERIES TICKETS. Apparently, the good people of Colorado having very little success, did a miserable job of organizing their online sales. Yesterday, I spent two hours trying before finding out that the entire system crashed and only 500 tickets were sold out of 60,000. Today, they tried again with a new system, only the server is so overpacked and slow, that it's impossible to buy tickets. I have a friend who got into the purchase tickets section five times, and each time, it took so long to load the next page, that it timed itself out of the "holding tickets for 2 minutes while you fill out info" page and had to start over into a horrible mobeus loop. AWFUL. Shouldn't Colorado have known a week ago that they were in the World Series? Shouldn't they have known two weeks and three weeks ago that it was a good possibility? I mean, ya don't wanna jinx it, but that's a bit much, no??? I honestly had nothing against the Colorado Rockies until today-- now I hate them and want the Sox to absolutely destroy them-- hey, this sounds a lot like a "Witz DOESN'T Pick:" doesn't it? Ok, fine-- Witz DOESN'T Pick: Internet Ticket Monstrosities-- oh eff it, AND MORE!"
WITZ PICKZ:
Sabra Hummus: IS AMAZING-- it's smooth and creamy and 6 bucks a tub at Costco. While mostly I don't buy perishables in TUB format, and while I realize that fat people used to get called TUBS, and that eating a tub of hummus makes me a bit of a fat person, I don't care. The deliciousness is too much. Try it with some Stacey's Pita Chips which are also amazing and in bulk at Costco and you'll probably die of deliciousness or heart attack.
Anthony Bourdain - Kitchen Confidential: Travel Channel's "No Reservations" host Anthony Bourdain is a fantastic cook with a great story. In Kitchen Confidential he takes us behind the scenes of restaurants everwhere in a way Aaron Sorkin would find horrifying. It's also an autobiography of sorts, and his narrative with the details and insider's guide to the restaurant biz are really very interesting. Now here's Kitchen Confidential as done by Aaron Sorkin.
Guy: Fucked her in the walk-in.
Guy 2: Ya fucked her in the walk-in?
Guy: Yep, in the walk-in.
Girl: Whattya we got?
Guy 3: The walk-in, you ever been fucked there?
Girl: Is that slang for something?
Guy 2: You tell us.
Girl: I am not, nor have I ever been fucked in the walk-in.
Guy 3: But how do you know if you don't know what it is?
Girl: I think I'd know.
Guy 2: Well, who did you fuck in the walk-in?
Girl: Nobody!
Guy 3: He's talking to Guy."
Guy: It's personal.
Guy 4: (just arriving) What's personal?
Guys 1-3 and Girl: THE WALK-IN!
Guy 4: Sheesh, somebody needs to get laid....
Kitchen Nightmares: Another cook, Chef Ramsey, british and brilliant rips the living shit out of restaurants who hire him to solve their struggling woes. It's redundant and boring after a bit, but it's a nice pick me up when you're down and need a British Chef to get you motivated by forcing cooks to eat their own moldy food.
I've Been In Lines...This Is Not A Line,
Witz
WITZ PICKZ:
Sabra Hummus: IS AMAZING-- it's smooth and creamy and 6 bucks a tub at Costco. While mostly I don't buy perishables in TUB format, and while I realize that fat people used to get called TUBS, and that eating a tub of hummus makes me a bit of a fat person, I don't care. The deliciousness is too much. Try it with some Stacey's Pita Chips which are also amazing and in bulk at Costco and you'll probably die of deliciousness or heart attack.
Anthony Bourdain - Kitchen Confidential: Travel Channel's "No Reservations" host Anthony Bourdain is a fantastic cook with a great story. In Kitchen Confidential he takes us behind the scenes of restaurants everwhere in a way Aaron Sorkin would find horrifying. It's also an autobiography of sorts, and his narrative with the details and insider's guide to the restaurant biz are really very interesting. Now here's Kitchen Confidential as done by Aaron Sorkin.
Guy: Fucked her in the walk-in.
Guy 2: Ya fucked her in the walk-in?
Guy: Yep, in the walk-in.
Girl: Whattya we got?
Guy 3: The walk-in, you ever been fucked there?
Girl: Is that slang for something?
Guy 2: You tell us.
Girl: I am not, nor have I ever been fucked in the walk-in.
Guy 3: But how do you know if you don't know what it is?
Girl: I think I'd know.
Guy 2: Well, who did you fuck in the walk-in?
Girl: Nobody!
Guy 3: He's talking to Guy."
Guy: It's personal.
Guy 4: (just arriving) What's personal?
Guys 1-3 and Girl: THE WALK-IN!
Guy 4: Sheesh, somebody needs to get laid....
Kitchen Nightmares: Another cook, Chef Ramsey, british and brilliant rips the living shit out of restaurants who hire him to solve their struggling woes. It's redundant and boring after a bit, but it's a nice pick me up when you're down and need a British Chef to get you motivated by forcing cooks to eat their own moldy food.
I've Been In Lines...This Is Not A Line,
Witz
Monday, October 22, 2007
Witz Pickz: Party Night Quotes, Acrophobia, and More
Sometimes you stumble through life confused, baffled, and lost, wondering why you are where you are any given moment of any given day-- and then something reminds you that life is awesome, ironic, and completely random.
Saturday night, My Friend With A Pool and I were riding our bikes home from a late night party on a university campus. As we got to a corner, a drunk guy, dressed entirely in silver and walking with a girl jumped out in the street in front of a pickup truck and put his hand up in a "STOP!" motion. The pickup floored it, and the guy moved out of the way before the truck got to him. My Friend With A Pool and I half-laughed, half-shocked, and watched this unfold:
"Fuck you, dude!" the Silver Man...
"What? Fuck you, n%@er!" Pickup Truck Owner.
"Fuck you, man, what's your problem?" Silver.
"Fuck you, you fucking f@$#ot!" Wildly Intelligent Stanford Party Goer in Truck.
"I'm a f@%$ot?" Silver-- walking towards truck, needing to impress his girl.
"Yeah, motherfucker!" Guy In Truck, proving I feel ok writing "motherfucker" but not other things.
"If I'm a motherfucker, how can I be a f#%ot?" says Silver, losing credibility.
"I'll keeeill you, motherfucker!" says Exemplary Defensive Driver in Pickup.
"Fuck you, dude," Silver, getting back to basics.
And then the kicker, solidifying the genius of the night and ending the argument.
"You're lucky I'm drunk, motherfucker!" The Dirty South announces, and peels forward onto the main street, reminding me why we stopped to gawk and not try crossing in front of him.
Does it honestly get any better than that? An argument in the street, a guy dressed entirely in silver, but still completely incapable of covering up his douchiness, a girl standing by saying nothing, but forcing Silver to act "manly", a drunk bigot in the cab of a pickup doing his best John Cougar Mellancamp impression, another person in the truck so he can't backdown, and me on a bicycle, watching it all, and all I can think is "This is oooooouuuuurrrr cooooounnntry!"
That's a good night.
Here's another thing that's fun. Acrophobia, possibly now known as AcroChallenge, is a game where you can go on and play against other people. There are rounds, they give you letters, and you make up what the letters stand for. Then people vote, you get points or don't, and eventually, there's a winner. Then you go online, type that for people to read, and feel like a big nerd-- ONLY HERE'S THE THING: The people take it reallllly seriously. So if you go on and goof around, and make up amusing acronyms, you'll lose, but you can alienate an entire group of people in under an hour. Fun stuff.
Extended Sports Narratives: Why do sports matter? Why do I care so much about baseball? Because aside from emotional investments and distractions, sports stories are the longest story arcs and narratives on television. A hundred years of history and counting for baseball, sports kick the crap out of Ken Burns and whatever documentary he can throw at us-- and for a real sports fan, you don't need the narratives neatly packed into 9 installments. Sports, and in this case baseball-- have never-ending details, history, emotions, character plots, twists, shocking endings, beginnings, and middles. A no hitter can get thrown in May. A team can comeback from being down 3-1 in a seven game series to win 4-3 as happened last night. Can you imagine a tv show or movie or book where Kenny Lofton, a forty-something who's NEVER won the World Series, being ONE GAME AWAY FROM GETTING THERE AGAIN, and then LOSING?? That's the Cleveland perspective. From the Boston perspective, a team with the slightest of pulses, turned everything around, dramatically came back to beat Cleveland and go to the World Series. From Colorado's perspective, a young team with nothing to lose won 21 of 22 games, has gone undefeated in the playoffs, and is going to the World Series as a fated team for the first time in team history. But it doesn't end there. Each team has 25 or more players with individual stories, personalities, and arcs. For 164+ games. For up to the last hundred years. That's insane. Pain, joy, redemption, defeat, victory, failure, tragedy, cheating, and human brilliance. These things are all in sports. They are all in baseball. The more you learn, the more you watch, the more you read, the more you'll love and appreciate the stories. And it's the best studio audience in the world. That is why sports are important. That is why they can teach us the same lessons as Dostoevsky and Tolstoy. Betrayal is having your former hero hit the winning RBI for the other team in extra innings at home. Redemption is hitting a grand slam in the playoffs after playing terribly all year long. Crime is using steroids, and Punishment is breaking the single season and all-time home run records and having the majority of people not care because they remember that you cheated. It's all there. Starting Wednesday, another chapter in the Story That Doesn't End ("Neverending Story" is trademarked) will unfold in Boston and Colorado-- in baseball, and in sports. And I can't wait.
Andy Rooney Was Never This Inspiring,
Witz
Saturday night, My Friend With A Pool and I were riding our bikes home from a late night party on a university campus. As we got to a corner, a drunk guy, dressed entirely in silver and walking with a girl jumped out in the street in front of a pickup truck and put his hand up in a "STOP!" motion. The pickup floored it, and the guy moved out of the way before the truck got to him. My Friend With A Pool and I half-laughed, half-shocked, and watched this unfold:
"Fuck you, dude!" the Silver Man...
"What? Fuck you, n%@er!" Pickup Truck Owner.
"Fuck you, man, what's your problem?" Silver.
"Fuck you, you fucking f@$#ot!" Wildly Intelligent Stanford Party Goer in Truck.
"I'm a f@%$ot?" Silver-- walking towards truck, needing to impress his girl.
"Yeah, motherfucker!" Guy In Truck, proving I feel ok writing "motherfucker" but not other things.
"If I'm a motherfucker, how can I be a f#%ot?" says Silver, losing credibility.
"I'll keeeill you, motherfucker!" says Exemplary Defensive Driver in Pickup.
"Fuck you, dude," Silver, getting back to basics.
And then the kicker, solidifying the genius of the night and ending the argument.
"You're lucky I'm drunk, motherfucker!" The Dirty South announces, and peels forward onto the main street, reminding me why we stopped to gawk and not try crossing in front of him.
Does it honestly get any better than that? An argument in the street, a guy dressed entirely in silver, but still completely incapable of covering up his douchiness, a girl standing by saying nothing, but forcing Silver to act "manly", a drunk bigot in the cab of a pickup doing his best John Cougar Mellancamp impression, another person in the truck so he can't backdown, and me on a bicycle, watching it all, and all I can think is "This is oooooouuuuurrrr cooooounnntry!"
That's a good night.
Here's another thing that's fun. Acrophobia, possibly now known as AcroChallenge, is a game where you can go on and play against other people. There are rounds, they give you letters, and you make up what the letters stand for. Then people vote, you get points or don't, and eventually, there's a winner. Then you go online, type that for people to read, and feel like a big nerd-- ONLY HERE'S THE THING: The people take it reallllly seriously. So if you go on and goof around, and make up amusing acronyms, you'll lose, but you can alienate an entire group of people in under an hour. Fun stuff.
Extended Sports Narratives: Why do sports matter? Why do I care so much about baseball? Because aside from emotional investments and distractions, sports stories are the longest story arcs and narratives on television. A hundred years of history and counting for baseball, sports kick the crap out of Ken Burns and whatever documentary he can throw at us-- and for a real sports fan, you don't need the narratives neatly packed into 9 installments. Sports, and in this case baseball-- have never-ending details, history, emotions, character plots, twists, shocking endings, beginnings, and middles. A no hitter can get thrown in May. A team can comeback from being down 3-1 in a seven game series to win 4-3 as happened last night. Can you imagine a tv show or movie or book where Kenny Lofton, a forty-something who's NEVER won the World Series, being ONE GAME AWAY FROM GETTING THERE AGAIN, and then LOSING?? That's the Cleveland perspective. From the Boston perspective, a team with the slightest of pulses, turned everything around, dramatically came back to beat Cleveland and go to the World Series. From Colorado's perspective, a young team with nothing to lose won 21 of 22 games, has gone undefeated in the playoffs, and is going to the World Series as a fated team for the first time in team history. But it doesn't end there. Each team has 25 or more players with individual stories, personalities, and arcs. For 164+ games. For up to the last hundred years. That's insane. Pain, joy, redemption, defeat, victory, failure, tragedy, cheating, and human brilliance. These things are all in sports. They are all in baseball. The more you learn, the more you watch, the more you read, the more you'll love and appreciate the stories. And it's the best studio audience in the world. That is why sports are important. That is why they can teach us the same lessons as Dostoevsky and Tolstoy. Betrayal is having your former hero hit the winning RBI for the other team in extra innings at home. Redemption is hitting a grand slam in the playoffs after playing terribly all year long. Crime is using steroids, and Punishment is breaking the single season and all-time home run records and having the majority of people not care because they remember that you cheated. It's all there. Starting Wednesday, another chapter in the Story That Doesn't End ("Neverending Story" is trademarked) will unfold in Boston and Colorado-- in baseball, and in sports. And I can't wait.
Andy Rooney Was Never This Inspiring,
Witz
Friday, October 19, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: Commercials During National Sporting Events
I've watched a lot of sports in my life, and have dealt with it as best I can. Local sports are easier to deal with-- you see the same commercials over and over again, but they're local and goofy and you can feel like knowing and seeing them brings you closer to the team and the locale. Nationally broadcast sports, however, are a whole other story. With the sole exception of the Super Bowl, which has been having worse and worse commercials each year as Tivo and The Internet have been thriving, nothing is worse than a national sports broadcast when it comes to commercials. Having been watching the MLB Playoffs, and from past years' experience, I have to say that while nationally broadcast regular season games are frustrating, nothing and I mean NOTHING compares to nationally broadcast PLAYOFF SERIES. Be it the NBA, NHL, or MLB (and I'm not even gonna get into the broadcasting horror that is Tim McCarver who has proven this year to be on equal ground with a retarded three year old just learning to use his words-- I keep expecting him to tell Joe Buck, "I just wanna kiss you" like Joe Montana did that time to the sideline reporter) the commercials have become unbearable. And baseball is the worst because of the inning breaks. Here's why.
Baseball has the pregame, the postgame, the middle innings break, and the end of inning break. That's 17 scheduled breaks plus And throughout all of these breaks and games, there are a grand total of maybe four commercials. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It's too much. Having watched all the ALDS on TBS, I got to see ALL of the Frank TV promos (that show better effing RULE) and maybe one or two other commercials, that I have now blacked out from my mind. SO IT DIDNT EVEN WORK. On Fox, as the games keep coming, I have been staring at the same commercials for hours and hours, and it's driving me slowly insane. Here are a few of the big ones.
Ford: Guess who's country this is? OURS! Which didn't bother me before, but now that Ford still hasn't killed off their "This is ooouuurrr country" commercials after at least a year, I'm starting to wonder if maybe we shouldn't give some of it away. Everytime I hear John Mellancamp singing out that song I want to punch him in the face and run off to Canada to see if maybe they don't have a "bill of sale" receipt lying around somewhere from the 1800's when we were so sure about the south. And yes, he's John Mellancamp-- I have revoked his "Cougar" priveledges until further notice. The whole campaign makes me want to run my own commercials where a Native American is hanging out with his buddies by their Subaru's and Pickup trucks, and just offscreen you hear the "This is ouuuur country" song playing and they all just flick off the camera. It'd be a weird commercial, and I don't know what it'd be for-- but I think it would freak out enough people that the song would get pulled.
Taco Bell: This commercial recently got shortened from its original length because the producers realized it didn't make any friggen sense. In this commercial, an older brother is talkin' to his younger "bro" about life. They're sitting on the couch with some nachos bellgrande and the older brother gives him the straight dope. He says "Alright little bro, there are three life lessons every MAN needs to live by: Never own a lapdog, never date a woman with dragon tattoos, and ALWAYS ORDER CHILI ON YOUR NACHOS BELLGRANDE!" The guy's kinda douchey, but he also probably wants to bond with his brother, who he clearly hasn't seen since their parents divorced and he took off to be a roadie for Monster Magnet ten years ago. Now this could still work, if awkard and lame until the following happens: his girlfriend with a dragon tattoo hands him his small lapdog and says, "Walk your dog." The older brother looks embarrassed and searches for a way out-- much like how the writers of the commercial must have been searching for a way out. Because they just told me NOT TO ORDER NACHOS BELLGRANDE WITH CHILI. That's the punchline-- and don't get me wrong, I think it's honest and accurate. But it's a little surprising coming from the people of Taco Bell. Then another weird part finishes off the commercial-- the younger brother looks at the older brother...AND GIVES HIM THE "WHIPPED" ::whoopssh:: while "Whip It" plays in the background. That doesn't make ANY sense. First of all, the response DOESN'T match the setup. The setup had to do with the big brother being wrong about all of the thing MEN have as rules. Being or not being whipped has nothing to do with it-- unless it's saying that he's NOT a man because he's whipped. Oh, but here's the rub-- HE ISN'T WHIPPED. It's his freaking dog, why the hell should his girlfriend walk it for him, whether she's tattoed with dragons or not? Is the ultimate message of the commercial that Dragon Tattoed Women Will Not Help You Out With Basic Tasks That Are Your Responsibility Even When You Are Otherwise Occupied? Is it a morality narrative? A tale of warning? Because no matter how you cut it, he is not whipped-- he's just super lame and wants to impress his Colin Hanks-esk brother. Taco Bell should have gotten another song in the background-- like MXPX's "Responsibility" or The Cars's "Just What I needed" or even R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"-- I mean EVERYBODY loves that song, even if it isn't relevant.
Chevrolet Green Technology: Ya cut me deep, guy, ya cut me deep. You all know these green technology commercials that Chevy is working on. Kids are sitting around talking to a guy in metaphors and similes. Well, I don't have any problem with the commercials themselves (except for when the guy is like, "How many of you are vegetarians? And like 60% of the group raises their hand-- they're like eight years old! They are definitely not vegetarians, nor should they be without very close monitoring by their parents. They're gonna develop iron deficiencies and weak limbs and small brains. Having a child that young say they're a vegetarian is like having a baby wearing a The Ramones t-shirt-- it doesn't reflect the child, it reflects the parent. And that's crap-- especially when I don't even buy that 60% of the parents of these children are vegetarians (or is it 30% of the parents if only one parent is veggie? Does vegetarianism get contracted through the Mom or the Dad?). Chevy has manipulated group statistics for the sake of a commercial), but what I have a problem with is the spokesman. The guy who is talking to the children is none other than BILL FROM THE WASHINGTON MUTUAL COMMERCIALS! You know him as the lovable, African-American man with a childlike face and stringent customer relations values. He wouldn't let those old white guys ruin banking anymore! Now he's affably tricking kids into brand associating with Chevy for the rest of their lives, all the while being friendly and unassuming. This shatters my world! Being in Seattle when the WaMu commercials started, I kinda half believed that the actor "Bill" was actually a guy in charge named Bill. We worked with WaMu quite a bit at my non-profit job and it wouldn't surprise me if one of the higher ups appeared in their commercials. NOPE! FAKER. "ACTOR." BULLSHITTER. He took my trust and got a better deal. Not my problem-- WaMu is screwed. This is the largest affront (read: psychotic break) towards faux-reality since the Jetsons ran into the Flintstones. Seen any new episodes of thoooose shows anytime recently? My point exactly.
I'll Try and Be More Positive Next Week-- Have A Great Weekend and GO SOX,
Witz
P.S. A.K.A. Bonus footage: (and bonus acronyms) In that Taco Bell commercial, watch the part at the end when the younger brother eats a nacho. They shot it so oddly that it actually looks like the older brother is feeding the nacho to him which is even more jarring when the next shot is a wide shot of the two and that's not the case at all. Who eats nachos with their elbow WAY OUT OF THE SCREEN? It's like he was gonna take a picture of himself, but then got a nacho instead of a camera. Awful commercial (but now they've shortened it so it just says, "Man Rule: Always get Chili on your Nachos Bellgrande!" and THAT'S IT).
Baseball has the pregame, the postgame, the middle innings break, and the end of inning break. That's 17 scheduled breaks plus And throughout all of these breaks and games, there are a grand total of maybe four commercials. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. It's too much. Having watched all the ALDS on TBS, I got to see ALL of the Frank TV promos (that show better effing RULE) and maybe one or two other commercials, that I have now blacked out from my mind. SO IT DIDNT EVEN WORK. On Fox, as the games keep coming, I have been staring at the same commercials for hours and hours, and it's driving me slowly insane. Here are a few of the big ones.
Ford: Guess who's country this is? OURS! Which didn't bother me before, but now that Ford still hasn't killed off their "This is ooouuurrr country" commercials after at least a year, I'm starting to wonder if maybe we shouldn't give some of it away. Everytime I hear John Mellancamp singing out that song I want to punch him in the face and run off to Canada to see if maybe they don't have a "bill of sale" receipt lying around somewhere from the 1800's when we were so sure about the south. And yes, he's John Mellancamp-- I have revoked his "Cougar" priveledges until further notice. The whole campaign makes me want to run my own commercials where a Native American is hanging out with his buddies by their Subaru's and Pickup trucks, and just offscreen you hear the "This is ouuuur country" song playing and they all just flick off the camera. It'd be a weird commercial, and I don't know what it'd be for-- but I think it would freak out enough people that the song would get pulled.
Taco Bell: This commercial recently got shortened from its original length because the producers realized it didn't make any friggen sense. In this commercial, an older brother is talkin' to his younger "bro" about life. They're sitting on the couch with some nachos bellgrande and the older brother gives him the straight dope. He says "Alright little bro, there are three life lessons every MAN needs to live by: Never own a lapdog, never date a woman with dragon tattoos, and ALWAYS ORDER CHILI ON YOUR NACHOS BELLGRANDE!" The guy's kinda douchey, but he also probably wants to bond with his brother, who he clearly hasn't seen since their parents divorced and he took off to be a roadie for Monster Magnet ten years ago. Now this could still work, if awkard and lame until the following happens: his girlfriend with a dragon tattoo hands him his small lapdog and says, "Walk your dog." The older brother looks embarrassed and searches for a way out-- much like how the writers of the commercial must have been searching for a way out. Because they just told me NOT TO ORDER NACHOS BELLGRANDE WITH CHILI. That's the punchline-- and don't get me wrong, I think it's honest and accurate. But it's a little surprising coming from the people of Taco Bell. Then another weird part finishes off the commercial-- the younger brother looks at the older brother...AND GIVES HIM THE "WHIPPED" ::whoopssh:: while "Whip It" plays in the background. That doesn't make ANY sense. First of all, the response DOESN'T match the setup. The setup had to do with the big brother being wrong about all of the thing MEN have as rules. Being or not being whipped has nothing to do with it-- unless it's saying that he's NOT a man because he's whipped. Oh, but here's the rub-- HE ISN'T WHIPPED. It's his freaking dog, why the hell should his girlfriend walk it for him, whether she's tattoed with dragons or not? Is the ultimate message of the commercial that Dragon Tattoed Women Will Not Help You Out With Basic Tasks That Are Your Responsibility Even When You Are Otherwise Occupied? Is it a morality narrative? A tale of warning? Because no matter how you cut it, he is not whipped-- he's just super lame and wants to impress his Colin Hanks-esk brother. Taco Bell should have gotten another song in the background-- like MXPX's "Responsibility" or The Cars's "Just What I needed" or even R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"-- I mean EVERYBODY loves that song, even if it isn't relevant.
Chevrolet Green Technology: Ya cut me deep, guy, ya cut me deep. You all know these green technology commercials that Chevy is working on. Kids are sitting around talking to a guy in metaphors and similes. Well, I don't have any problem with the commercials themselves (except for when the guy is like, "How many of you are vegetarians? And like 60% of the group raises their hand-- they're like eight years old! They are definitely not vegetarians, nor should they be without very close monitoring by their parents. They're gonna develop iron deficiencies and weak limbs and small brains. Having a child that young say they're a vegetarian is like having a baby wearing a The Ramones t-shirt-- it doesn't reflect the child, it reflects the parent. And that's crap-- especially when I don't even buy that 60% of the parents of these children are vegetarians (or is it 30% of the parents if only one parent is veggie? Does vegetarianism get contracted through the Mom or the Dad?). Chevy has manipulated group statistics for the sake of a commercial), but what I have a problem with is the spokesman. The guy who is talking to the children is none other than BILL FROM THE WASHINGTON MUTUAL COMMERCIALS! You know him as the lovable, African-American man with a childlike face and stringent customer relations values. He wouldn't let those old white guys ruin banking anymore! Now he's affably tricking kids into brand associating with Chevy for the rest of their lives, all the while being friendly and unassuming. This shatters my world! Being in Seattle when the WaMu commercials started, I kinda half believed that the actor "Bill" was actually a guy in charge named Bill. We worked with WaMu quite a bit at my non-profit job and it wouldn't surprise me if one of the higher ups appeared in their commercials. NOPE! FAKER. "ACTOR." BULLSHITTER. He took my trust and got a better deal. Not my problem-- WaMu is screwed. This is the largest affront (read: psychotic break) towards faux-reality since the Jetsons ran into the Flintstones. Seen any new episodes of thoooose shows anytime recently? My point exactly.
I'll Try and Be More Positive Next Week-- Have A Great Weekend and GO SOX,
Witz
P.S. A.K.A. Bonus footage: (and bonus acronyms) In that Taco Bell commercial, watch the part at the end when the younger brother eats a nacho. They shot it so oddly that it actually looks like the older brother is feeding the nacho to him which is even more jarring when the next shot is a wide shot of the two and that's not the case at all. Who eats nachos with their elbow WAY OUT OF THE SCREEN? It's like he was gonna take a picture of himself, but then got a nacho instead of a camera. Awful commercial (but now they've shortened it so it just says, "Man Rule: Always get Chili on your Nachos Bellgrande!" and THAT'S IT).
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Witz Pickz: Awkward Typos, Indie Rock, and More!
Yesterday's post was pretty long and involved, so here's a few pickz that only require a glance:
Awkward Conversational Typos: Remember when AIM was popular? Before gmail took over and left AIM with it's pants down, wondering why everyone was laughing at them? Well, many an awkward typo took place and still takes place in these chat boxes. Here's a big one: "one sex." OHHHHH. I'll tell ya what, I remember the first time I accidentally wrote "one sex/just a sex" to a girl I liked in high school, and man was it terrifying (ok, well I can't really remember the first time, but I can assume a first time occurred). Suddenly "sex" was in the conversation, just hanging there, confused at its sudden appearance. I clealy had to follow up with, "uh, seC" which only drew more attention. My only other option was to decide to make things wicked biological and sociological all of a sudden and say, "That's right-- one sex. I believe that genetically, there is such a small difference between men and women that in reality, there is only ONE SEX, Homosapien. Male and Female are simply denotations of the same sex. This explains the prevalence and natural nature of transexuals, bisexuals, and homosexuals. ....... I, kinda like, think a lot...."
Another typo that forces one to think is when you mean to write nothing but write nothong. In answerig questions like, "What's up?" it seems like a bold declaration in the face of an unassuming pleasantry. Take THAT society's rules and conception of comfort! Answering a question like "What are you wearing" suddenly becomes more sinister, however. "What are you wearing?" someone asks you, probably someone logical. "No thong." You reply. BAM. Suddenly you are in their face about it. I won't tell you what I'm wearing, but I'll tell you that I'm not wearing a THONG. That's for sure! YEAH! Whattya think about THAT. At this point, you have to cross your fingers and hope you two don't have a sordid thong past, in which arguments were had, and thongs ultimately determined HER/HIS thing, but not YOURS. This could potentially bring up some angry feelings and ultimately end a relationship. So when they ask, "What are you wearing?" try and do the "sexy because I'm clothed" thing and say, "polo shirt." Worst case scenario you type, "polo shit" and that just sounds gangsta, like you rock a lotta polo and that's the just the way you roll, lady.
The Deadly Syndrome, Gentleman Auction House, The Weakerthans, The Good Life: These are all indie bands who released new albums recently. The Deadly Syndrome has some really good tracks even though they run long, the second half of each song is great. G.A.H. I talked about already, but they are very Bright Eyes and Arcade Fire-esk and really really good. The Weakerthans have been around for ten years, but are still semi-obscure. Check out their new album Reunion Tour for some good canadian indie-pop. The Good Life is Tim Kasher of Cursive's side project. They've put out four albums and the new one is an interesting, if subdued folk/indie album.
Manny Ramirez: There's apparently a lot of controversy in the media (and probably JUST in the media) right now about Manny's comments after game 4's loss in the ALCS. He basically said that he feels ok, they're gonna play their best, and that it's ok if they lose, there is always next year. He also said that he loves to compete, and he'd give up all his achievements for the team to start winning and win the World Series again (I GET TO SAY AGAIN! IT HAPPENED! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!). Anyway, people are on him because they interpreted this all as "Manny doesn't care about winning," which is the most ridiculous way of translating his comments. Manny specifically said he wants to win, but it's OK if they don't. That's called being loose. Being calm and in a good spirit to play the game. If you're hell bent on winning and get all angry and off your game when you lose, you aren't going to have a chance. Manny has never been a hell bent must win guy, at least attitudinally. He is chill and fun. But he's also one of the hardest working players in baseball, and does what it takes to be as good as he is. So instead of worrying what Manny said about winning, take a look at the numbers and see that he is one of the few Red Sox players actually putting up great numbers this postseason. Who cares what he says or thinks about it-- he's showing he wants to win every time he's at the plate.
And with that:
GO SOX, GET BACK TO BOSTON,
Witz
P.S. Radio show tonight 12-3am PST. Details in the sidebar.
Awkward Conversational Typos: Remember when AIM was popular? Before gmail took over and left AIM with it's pants down, wondering why everyone was laughing at them? Well, many an awkward typo took place and still takes place in these chat boxes. Here's a big one: "one sex." OHHHHH. I'll tell ya what, I remember the first time I accidentally wrote "one sex/just a sex" to a girl I liked in high school, and man was it terrifying (ok, well I can't really remember the first time, but I can assume a first time occurred). Suddenly "sex" was in the conversation, just hanging there, confused at its sudden appearance. I clealy had to follow up with, "uh, seC" which only drew more attention. My only other option was to decide to make things wicked biological and sociological all of a sudden and say, "That's right-- one sex. I believe that genetically, there is such a small difference between men and women that in reality, there is only ONE SEX, Homosapien. Male and Female are simply denotations of the same sex. This explains the prevalence and natural nature of transexuals, bisexuals, and homosexuals. ....... I, kinda like, think a lot...."
Another typo that forces one to think is when you mean to write nothing but write nothong. In answerig questions like, "What's up?" it seems like a bold declaration in the face of an unassuming pleasantry. Take THAT society's rules and conception of comfort! Answering a question like "What are you wearing" suddenly becomes more sinister, however. "What are you wearing?" someone asks you, probably someone logical. "No thong." You reply. BAM. Suddenly you are in their face about it. I won't tell you what I'm wearing, but I'll tell you that I'm not wearing a THONG. That's for sure! YEAH! Whattya think about THAT. At this point, you have to cross your fingers and hope you two don't have a sordid thong past, in which arguments were had, and thongs ultimately determined HER/HIS thing, but not YOURS. This could potentially bring up some angry feelings and ultimately end a relationship. So when they ask, "What are you wearing?" try and do the "sexy because I'm clothed" thing and say, "polo shirt." Worst case scenario you type, "polo shit" and that just sounds gangsta, like you rock a lotta polo and that's the just the way you roll, lady.
The Deadly Syndrome, Gentleman Auction House, The Weakerthans, The Good Life: These are all indie bands who released new albums recently. The Deadly Syndrome has some really good tracks even though they run long, the second half of each song is great. G.A.H. I talked about already, but they are very Bright Eyes and Arcade Fire-esk and really really good. The Weakerthans have been around for ten years, but are still semi-obscure. Check out their new album Reunion Tour for some good canadian indie-pop. The Good Life is Tim Kasher of Cursive's side project. They've put out four albums and the new one is an interesting, if subdued folk/indie album.
Manny Ramirez: There's apparently a lot of controversy in the media (and probably JUST in the media) right now about Manny's comments after game 4's loss in the ALCS. He basically said that he feels ok, they're gonna play their best, and that it's ok if they lose, there is always next year. He also said that he loves to compete, and he'd give up all his achievements for the team to start winning and win the World Series again (I GET TO SAY AGAIN! IT HAPPENED! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!). Anyway, people are on him because they interpreted this all as "Manny doesn't care about winning," which is the most ridiculous way of translating his comments. Manny specifically said he wants to win, but it's OK if they don't. That's called being loose. Being calm and in a good spirit to play the game. If you're hell bent on winning and get all angry and off your game when you lose, you aren't going to have a chance. Manny has never been a hell bent must win guy, at least attitudinally. He is chill and fun. But he's also one of the hardest working players in baseball, and does what it takes to be as good as he is. So instead of worrying what Manny said about winning, take a look at the numbers and see that he is one of the few Red Sox players actually putting up great numbers this postseason. Who cares what he says or thinks about it-- he's showing he wants to win every time he's at the plate.
And with that:
GO SOX, GET BACK TO BOSTON,
Witz
P.S. Radio show tonight 12-3am PST. Details in the sidebar.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Witz DOESN'T Pick: Other Drivers
That's right, it's come to this. We all knew it was gonna happen sooner or later, but I was hoping it wouldn't happen just yet. After the last few days of driving, however, I have no choice. I can't handle other drivers anymore. You know how your parents always said, "It's not you we're worried about, it's OTHER DRIVERS." First of all, there's a pretty good chance that some of you ARE other drivers. My LA friend drives the way that techno sounds, zipping forward and around cars at 90mph like a rogue block in Tetris. It's terrifying-- but it's not really what I'm talking about. Another person I know is a speed limiter-- they always drive the speed limit, even when traffic demands a higher speed so as not to die or to switch lanes. This is equally terrifying, but again, not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the OTHER drivers who endanger and enrage me when I'm on the road. I call them The Oblivious.
The Oblivious vary from state to state and driver to driver, but they all have one thing in common-- they have absolutely no idea why their car has a blinker. In fact, they might not know their car has a blinker, and everytime someone in front of them signals, they might say to themselves, "Oh my, that car's taillights are faltering-- they better get them replaced!" These people switch lanes in traffic without signalling or giving any sign they're going to-- that is, unless they are slowly drifting into the other lane without signalling, at which point I have to assume either a lazy eye or paralysis of the left hand. My swerving or beeping has no effect on them-- they don't know what they're doing wrong. These people also are the ones who slam on the brakes when we're going 40-50mph, THEN SIGNAL, then turn. Remember in my Comedy Belt article when my belt made it sound like I went, "flush, zip, FART!" getting the order all wrong? THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT. The absolute only reason your car has a blinker is to let me know you are going to turn before you brake and I slam into the back of your car. I honestly DO NOT CARE that you are TURNING. I CARE that you are SLOWING DOWN. This is a gigantic difference, and somehow people haven't figured it out.
In some states, like Washington and California, I've found that The Oblivious do a fun thing called "Driving the exact same speed in all three lanes of the highway." For the record, this speed isn't 85 like in CT and MA and NY. It's 65-70 and it only fluctuates by 1-3mph per lane. Oh the joys of being in the left hand lane cruising a respectable and safe 75 only to get stopped up against some d-bag driving 68 and juuuuuuuuuuuuuust baaaaaaaarely inching up on the car to the right. Switching lanes isn't gonna help me any, but staying here is worse. And what about the people who get PAST one car, but are really feeling it, and are so juiced up from their last "speed" adventure past car #1 that they decide to pull it again on cars 3-5 which happen to be separated by 50 feet each. A quick look in the rearview will show a crazed half-Jew shouting seemingly at nobody (spoiler: it's at you) waving his hands around and riding about 10 feet up your ass. These people need to learn to pull over and let cars go by, before returning to the left hand lane to pursue their Great Adventure.
Similarly, and my most recent discovery, is the funsanity of the boulevard driving. I live near a major boulevard (separated in the middle by divider, so you have to make left hand turns and pull U-Turns at designated places), and so daily, I brave the masses and I make my way from one place to another. The problem with boulevards is that people have no idea what to do. The slow and confused drivers, lacking confidence, ride the left hand lane all the way to their turn at 30mph, which is sometimes miles down the road. The drivers who drive slowly, but without the left hand concerns, drive in the middle or right hand lanes going about 30mph, too. The right lane always has trucks. I've taken to driving in the middle lane most of the time, and using the right hand lane as the passing lane so that I can sneak by the mediocre, but predictable middle and left lane drivers. BUT IT IS INFURIATING. If you don't know what the left hand lane is for by now, it's time to give up. Some people are no good at squash, or chess, or cooking-- you are no good at driving. Many cities have a fine bus system, and it's always fun to ride shotty with friends, unless their names are Ethel, Rose, or Seymour, in which case, rent a stretch limo and enjoy your last few years on the road in classy comfort. Nothing enrages me more than slow drivers in the left hand lane. And I don't mean slow like, I wanna go 80 and they're going 75. I mean, like, I wanna go 5-10 mph over the limit and they're going 0-5 below the limit. One of my friends once described his theory on why people did this. He said that people who drive the speed limit (his theory pertained to WA, but I imagine it extends beyond), assume that since they are going the speed limit, nobody could possibly be going faster than they are. They are in the left hand lane so they can pass people goin UNDER the speed limit. And he's probably right. Those people probably are totally oblivious to the world around them. He also made a point that one of the reasons Asians take such crap as bad drivers is because they are completely SAFE drivers who follow the rules. In places like China and Japan, the traffic laws are strictly enforced and are expected to be followed. Since we run amok on the roads most of the time, we make THEM look unsafe. Take that as what you will, and I'll just add that living in Seattle and NorCal, I haven't seen too many steretypes broken down yet.
The last of The Oblivious (oh, I'm sure there are so many more, but let's be positive here) are the Light Blockers. I don't mean people who are tall or the giant SUV's and trucks that block all view of the road and cause major accidents when they brake suddenly, no, I mean the people who are the first in line at a light and then just totally.....space out. I don't know what they do, but when that light turns green, they are ELSEWHERE. I find this totally unacceptable. When I'm at a light, I know it is my responsibility to look at the light. At most, it's going to be a couple minutes before it turns green, and I can even think about other things and listen to my music while I wait. I can look to the left and the right as the cars going the other direction keep driving because I know that if they have the green, I don't. But I need to keep checking back in, because in the next few seconds, the light WILL CHANGE-- it always does. And when it does, I'm gonna be the one who has to start driving first. So I do, and when it changes, I start driving-- and I'm already in gear-- none of this, "NOW I'll shift into first" business. Don't be an idiot. Even worse than the regular Light Blockers are the Left Hand Turn Signal Blockers. Even Hitler paid attention to left turn signals and if you are sitting there while I am five cars back needing to make this turn, you are worse than the terrorists. Left Hand Turn Signals are like tiny windows into a room full of dreams. And in the time that light is green, you can jump into that room and get all the dreams you want. But when it turns red, the window slams shut, and you can only stare in whimpering until it opens again, and nobody is truly certain that will happen again.
So don't make me honk at you. Don't make me do the little "tweep" on my horn, because a) that sounds lame b) my horn sounds angry even when I'm being helpful and c) you're probably gonna flick me off regardless, and then I'm gonna get pissed and point at the light, and then you're not gonna be paying attention, and I'm gonna drive up next to you and wave my arms and eventually mouth things that you don't want your child passenger hearing, especially when the child is in the front seat, when clearly kids go in the backseat and you are a bad parent as well as a Light Blocker and I should run you off the road, killing you immediately and setting your child free for foster parents who might actually raise a respectable human being.
I've had it. I'm tired of the horn "tweep," I'm tired of the useless "honk" which only results in people getting mad at you or not reacting AT ALL which is even worse. Plus, let's be honest, 90% of the time, I forget to hit the horn or am so shocked by The Oblivious actions that I forget I have a horn. Most of the time, I can't even find my horn in time, and it ends up coming out late. Not to mention, we need a "Leap Frog Horn". Something I can press that says, "Not you, but the car in front of you is The Queen of the Assholes." And we need a horn that says, "Well done, thank you." Because the wave is getting old and used for too many different statements, and I learned recently that giving someone the thumb's up looks a whole lot like giving them the middle finger. Unlike Witz Pickz which has been giving the world the OTHER finger. That's a catchy slogan, somebody should put it on a t-shirt or thong.
So I've decided to give up on the horn as a sole describer and become one of the insane people in the world who take things a little too far for social conventions, but also are happier with the world for it. I'm gonna make signs. I'm gonna make a "GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE" sign so when I honk at and pass the asshole king, I can also let them know what they're doing wrong, so they aren't baffled. "SIGNAL, DIPSHIT" will be a big hit and I'm right now copyrighting that as a t-shirt. "PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIGHT" will be useful if I can find a way to have them see it afterwards and "KILL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY" will be a reserve in case things get bad in traffic. The one clear problem with this strategy is that no matter who sees me and reads the signs, I am still The Guy Who Had The Signs (Ready). Just like the professor doesn't take criticism seriously when you write, "Worst Professor Ever" and variations of it in every box, The Oblivious probably won't take me seriously when I have pointed, specific signs ready for their gaze. But it's the only option I have left, and I'm willing to give it a shot. Maybe I can get sponsorship, like "SIGNAL, DIPSHIT: Vote Barack Obama '08" or "DRIVE FASTER: brought to you by Dick's Sporting Goods." That's not such a bad idea. I wonder if Jack Keruoac got this worked up about shit...
See You On the Road,
Witz
The Oblivious vary from state to state and driver to driver, but they all have one thing in common-- they have absolutely no idea why their car has a blinker. In fact, they might not know their car has a blinker, and everytime someone in front of them signals, they might say to themselves, "Oh my, that car's taillights are faltering-- they better get them replaced!" These people switch lanes in traffic without signalling or giving any sign they're going to-- that is, unless they are slowly drifting into the other lane without signalling, at which point I have to assume either a lazy eye or paralysis of the left hand. My swerving or beeping has no effect on them-- they don't know what they're doing wrong. These people also are the ones who slam on the brakes when we're going 40-50mph, THEN SIGNAL, then turn. Remember in my Comedy Belt article when my belt made it sound like I went, "flush, zip, FART!" getting the order all wrong? THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT. The absolute only reason your car has a blinker is to let me know you are going to turn before you brake and I slam into the back of your car. I honestly DO NOT CARE that you are TURNING. I CARE that you are SLOWING DOWN. This is a gigantic difference, and somehow people haven't figured it out.
In some states, like Washington and California, I've found that The Oblivious do a fun thing called "Driving the exact same speed in all three lanes of the highway." For the record, this speed isn't 85 like in CT and MA and NY. It's 65-70 and it only fluctuates by 1-3mph per lane. Oh the joys of being in the left hand lane cruising a respectable and safe 75 only to get stopped up against some d-bag driving 68 and juuuuuuuuuuuuuust baaaaaaaarely inching up on the car to the right. Switching lanes isn't gonna help me any, but staying here is worse. And what about the people who get PAST one car, but are really feeling it, and are so juiced up from their last "speed" adventure past car #1 that they decide to pull it again on cars 3-5 which happen to be separated by 50 feet each. A quick look in the rearview will show a crazed half-Jew shouting seemingly at nobody (spoiler: it's at you) waving his hands around and riding about 10 feet up your ass. These people need to learn to pull over and let cars go by, before returning to the left hand lane to pursue their Great Adventure.
Similarly, and my most recent discovery, is the funsanity of the boulevard driving. I live near a major boulevard (separated in the middle by divider, so you have to make left hand turns and pull U-Turns at designated places), and so daily, I brave the masses and I make my way from one place to another. The problem with boulevards is that people have no idea what to do. The slow and confused drivers, lacking confidence, ride the left hand lane all the way to their turn at 30mph, which is sometimes miles down the road. The drivers who drive slowly, but without the left hand concerns, drive in the middle or right hand lanes going about 30mph, too. The right lane always has trucks. I've taken to driving in the middle lane most of the time, and using the right hand lane as the passing lane so that I can sneak by the mediocre, but predictable middle and left lane drivers. BUT IT IS INFURIATING. If you don't know what the left hand lane is for by now, it's time to give up. Some people are no good at squash, or chess, or cooking-- you are no good at driving. Many cities have a fine bus system, and it's always fun to ride shotty with friends, unless their names are Ethel, Rose, or Seymour, in which case, rent a stretch limo and enjoy your last few years on the road in classy comfort. Nothing enrages me more than slow drivers in the left hand lane. And I don't mean slow like, I wanna go 80 and they're going 75. I mean, like, I wanna go 5-10 mph over the limit and they're going 0-5 below the limit. One of my friends once described his theory on why people did this. He said that people who drive the speed limit (his theory pertained to WA, but I imagine it extends beyond), assume that since they are going the speed limit, nobody could possibly be going faster than they are. They are in the left hand lane so they can pass people goin UNDER the speed limit. And he's probably right. Those people probably are totally oblivious to the world around them. He also made a point that one of the reasons Asians take such crap as bad drivers is because they are completely SAFE drivers who follow the rules. In places like China and Japan, the traffic laws are strictly enforced and are expected to be followed. Since we run amok on the roads most of the time, we make THEM look unsafe. Take that as what you will, and I'll just add that living in Seattle and NorCal, I haven't seen too many steretypes broken down yet.
The last of The Oblivious (oh, I'm sure there are so many more, but let's be positive here) are the Light Blockers. I don't mean people who are tall or the giant SUV's and trucks that block all view of the road and cause major accidents when they brake suddenly, no, I mean the people who are the first in line at a light and then just totally.....space out. I don't know what they do, but when that light turns green, they are ELSEWHERE. I find this totally unacceptable. When I'm at a light, I know it is my responsibility to look at the light. At most, it's going to be a couple minutes before it turns green, and I can even think about other things and listen to my music while I wait. I can look to the left and the right as the cars going the other direction keep driving because I know that if they have the green, I don't. But I need to keep checking back in, because in the next few seconds, the light WILL CHANGE-- it always does. And when it does, I'm gonna be the one who has to start driving first. So I do, and when it changes, I start driving-- and I'm already in gear-- none of this, "NOW I'll shift into first" business. Don't be an idiot. Even worse than the regular Light Blockers are the Left Hand Turn Signal Blockers. Even Hitler paid attention to left turn signals and if you are sitting there while I am five cars back needing to make this turn, you are worse than the terrorists. Left Hand Turn Signals are like tiny windows into a room full of dreams. And in the time that light is green, you can jump into that room and get all the dreams you want. But when it turns red, the window slams shut, and you can only stare in whimpering until it opens again, and nobody is truly certain that will happen again.
So don't make me honk at you. Don't make me do the little "tweep" on my horn, because a) that sounds lame b) my horn sounds angry even when I'm being helpful and c) you're probably gonna flick me off regardless, and then I'm gonna get pissed and point at the light, and then you're not gonna be paying attention, and I'm gonna drive up next to you and wave my arms and eventually mouth things that you don't want your child passenger hearing, especially when the child is in the front seat, when clearly kids go in the backseat and you are a bad parent as well as a Light Blocker and I should run you off the road, killing you immediately and setting your child free for foster parents who might actually raise a respectable human being.
I've had it. I'm tired of the horn "tweep," I'm tired of the useless "honk" which only results in people getting mad at you or not reacting AT ALL which is even worse. Plus, let's be honest, 90% of the time, I forget to hit the horn or am so shocked by The Oblivious actions that I forget I have a horn. Most of the time, I can't even find my horn in time, and it ends up coming out late. Not to mention, we need a "Leap Frog Horn". Something I can press that says, "Not you, but the car in front of you is The Queen of the Assholes." And we need a horn that says, "Well done, thank you." Because the wave is getting old and used for too many different statements, and I learned recently that giving someone the thumb's up looks a whole lot like giving them the middle finger. Unlike Witz Pickz which has been giving the world the OTHER finger. That's a catchy slogan, somebody should put it on a t-shirt or thong.
So I've decided to give up on the horn as a sole describer and become one of the insane people in the world who take things a little too far for social conventions, but also are happier with the world for it. I'm gonna make signs. I'm gonna make a "GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE" sign so when I honk at and pass the asshole king, I can also let them know what they're doing wrong, so they aren't baffled. "SIGNAL, DIPSHIT" will be a big hit and I'm right now copyrighting that as a t-shirt. "PAY ATTENTION TO THE LIGHT" will be useful if I can find a way to have them see it afterwards and "KILL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY" will be a reserve in case things get bad in traffic. The one clear problem with this strategy is that no matter who sees me and reads the signs, I am still The Guy Who Had The Signs (Ready). Just like the professor doesn't take criticism seriously when you write, "Worst Professor Ever" and variations of it in every box, The Oblivious probably won't take me seriously when I have pointed, specific signs ready for their gaze. But it's the only option I have left, and I'm willing to give it a shot. Maybe I can get sponsorship, like "SIGNAL, DIPSHIT: Vote Barack Obama '08" or "DRIVE FASTER: brought to you by Dick's Sporting Goods." That's not such a bad idea. I wonder if Jack Keruoac got this worked up about shit...
See You On the Road,
Witz
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
