Witz Flix: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I haven't seen the new(ish) live action G.I. Joe movie because everyone I know who saw it said it was terrible. Turns out, everyone I DON'T know who saw it also said it was terrible. It got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a hearty 3% WORSE than Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Netflix believes I will give it 1.4 stars. That sounds like a challenge. "Yo Joe..."

1 min: Take a minute and guess any number of ways the G.I. Joe movie starts...I don't think any of us saw, "France - 1641" coming.

2 min: This dude of the Clan McCullen tried to kill the King of France or something, which didn't go well, and now they're putting a red hot metal Iron Man looking mask onto his face. It's kind of like in the movie The Mask, but he's a bit less excited about it and instead of super powers, he gets the worst pain he's ever felt in his entire life. Side note: This is bafflingly not what the Leonardo DiCaprio movie, "Man in the Iron Mask" was about.



3 min: "In the not too distant future..." C'mon movie, go out on a limb and tell me when this thing is taking place. It's not like 2011 is gonna happen and I'm going to say, "That movie was totally wrong about when The Rise of Cobra happens!"

4 min: Just when you thought bed bugs were a problem, some Scottish guy invents Nanomites-- they're tiny metal bugs that eat everything from cancer cells to metal and buildings. Anyway, they're being loaded into warheads and shipped to NATO. If they're anything like my mail, they won't ever arrive. (I'm actually pretty sure that my super elderly landlord has been taking some of my mail either by accident or for his own entertainment. Two floors above me, an eighty-five year old Italian man is wearing a Tim Riggins t-shirt, reading a postcard from my girlfriend, and watching I Love You, Beth Cooper.)

5 min: Marlon Wayans! Just when you thought he couldn't make a better movie than Little Man, he's back in action alongside Channing Tatum. They're in charge of moving the weapons.

8 min: The convoy is attacked by some "Never Before Seen" aircraft, but it looks a whole lot like the ship from that game Descent (remember Descent?). It's killin' everyone, but Tatum (character is Duke) and Wayans (Ripcord) are evading it so far. Just imagine you're playing Halo. It's like that.

10 min: "OoOOoo, it's a laaady..." and a bunch of foot soldiery lookin' dudes.



13 min: The lady is Sienna Miller, Channing and her seem to have dated, a mysterious military unit shows up, and together they fight off the bad guys and retain the weapon. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'm supposed to be excited because I recognize the different G.I. Joe characters from my youth, but unless one of them is "Guy Who's Legs Spin Around Because the Rubber Band is Busted" I'm afraid I don't remember.

14 min: I think it's important to note that Sienna has the same glasses that my dad had-- she can make them change from sunglasses to clear glass and back again.



16 min: Dennis Quaid (General Hawk) shows the two their super-sneaky-secret base in the desert, which is not entirely unlike the sandbox where mine sometimes existed. He explains the G.I. Joe unit: "When all else fails, we don't," which sounds like the slogan for an abortion clinic. Hawk continues, "We take all the best soldiers from all the best units in the world,"...and also hot chicks, apparently. It looks like the recruiting pool for Sterling Cooper secretaries in there.

17 min: Dennis Quaid says, "We need to find out all we can about her (referring to Sienna Miller who tried to steal the weapons). KNOWING is half the battle." Even he sounds pained delivering such an expected line. He then goes straight to The Wikipedia for answers.

19 min: The Scottish guy, McCullen, who invented the weapon is also the one trying to steal the weapon. In unrelated news, the Republicans took back the House of Representatives recently because people were upset about the bad economy...

22 min: A scientist guy who may or may not be Keanu Reeves invented Neo-Vipers, which are humans turned into military drones who feel no fear, pain, or moral issues. "The real world application for them is endless," Maybe Keanu says. Finally, someone we can pay less than illegal immigrants to do the horrific jobs nobody wants to do...Also, now that he's injured, I give Michael Vick two weeks before he has Neo-Vipers fighting each other in his backyard.

27 min: 4 Years Ago, Duke proposed to Sienna and she said yes. AND JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT WAS THERE??? 3rd Rock From the Sun is Sienna's brother, apparently.

30 min: Training montage in their new Joe suits, which make you, "Run faster, jump higher, and hit harder." Oh, I see. I didn't realize G.I. Joe were big cheaters. Bud Selig's gonna allow it.

31 min: HAHAHA, Brendan Fraser just showed up! This is certainly a Blast From the Past!

39 min: Sienna et al break in and grab the warhead. A big fight ensues, but everybody survives-- sorry, I mean, everybody important survives-- a shiiiit ton of soldiers we don't know got totally effed up in the process.

41 min: Aaaand we're flashing back 20 years to when Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes met. They were kids and Snake Eyes was poor and stole some food. Storm Shadow caught him and the two fought until Storm Shadow's dad broke it up and they eventually took Snake Eyes in. That reminds me: Did ANYONE see the new Karate Kid movie??



46 min: So the Scottish guy still has the iron mask from his distant relative and is going to unleash one of the warheads on Paris because he hasn't forgotten what the french did to his great-great-great-great-whatever. It's a bit much.

51 min: Apparently, Channing Tatum's dreams are vivid expository narratives from his past, so we now know that Sienna's brother, the kid with the abnormally long neck from Inception, was blown up in East Africa during a military mission involving Channing and Marlon. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't killed and is actually the evil scientist working for McCullen who looks like Keanu Reeves...

54 min: Sienna and Storm Shadow bring the warheads to a lab in Paris where they have them "weaponized"-- which apparently means having them spin around while a laser shoots at them for a while-- good to know this movie is following the same scientific accuracy as Human Centipede. Just as they're leaving, the Joe team shows up.

55 min: HAHAHA, "Snake Eyes, catch that hummer!" someone shouts and Snake Eyes hops out of the van and starts running robotically after a speeding vehicle. It's hilarious because of how he looks running after the vehicle, and because the phrase, "I'm gonna go catch a hummer," needs to be a thing.

65 min: A ten minute chase just ensued without any characters being killed. The warhead blew up the Eiffel Tower and released the Nanomites, but Duke hit the disarm button that Sienna had and stopped the city from being destroyed. I'm not entirely convinced this movie respects my time.

66 min: Duke got taken, the rest got arrested. They're all, "We're the good guys," which is true, but to be fair, I'm pretty sure they broke a few laws along the way.

78 min: The team is set free and goes to rescue Duke and get the warheads. McCullen is going to transform Duke into one of those Neo-Vipers and Sienna's not entirely sure how she feels about it. And to think that I used to believe only TNT knew drama...

82 min: And boom goes the dynamite: the creepy scientist IS Joseph Gordon Levitt, Sienna Miller's brother. The Joe's are oscar mike to rescue Duke and stop the missiles from being launched. As they arrive the missiles are launched and Ripcord goes off in some plane he found to try and stop them. I know this is boring and unfunny, but I wanted to give you a little window into what I'm dealing with.


(JGL, 3rd Rock From the Sun glory)

87 min: Sienna Miller saves Duke and is then "shut down" by her brother who put Nano-mites in her dome piece. I'd like to hear Kanye West rap about Nanomite technology. McCullen runs in and Duke pulls a gun on him. The scientist holds the iPad looking device with the destruct button on it for Sienna's brain. It's a standoff.

89 min: The Joe's and the army are assaulting the base. I just noticed that Snake Eyes's armor has pecs and abs, which seems both entirely unnecessary and absolutely the way to go. I'd tell the G.I. Joe Tailor, "I for sure want the abs and pecs..aand while you're at it, let's throw in a Greg Oden cock in the pant armor, thanks." The outline of a huge penis chiseled into your armor would definitely throw your enemy off a split second long enough to have the advantage.



92 min: Duke shoots McCullen as McCullen shoots at him, which somehow sets McCullen on fire. The scientist goes flying from the blast and drops the controls to Sienna's brain. Duke grabs it and bafflingly knows exactly what to push to deactivate her little techno-coma. He then checks in on foursquare.

94 min: McCullen and the scientist escape in a sporty little submarine and Duke and Sienna follow them in one of their own. They are being chased and as they all zoom through underwater tunnels firing at each other, I realize that this whole scene is totally ripping off the Body Wars ride at Epcot.

96 min: Snake Eyes and Snow Shadow are locked in an epic battle-- and by "epic" I mean, "time consuming." (99 min: Snakes Eyes finally kills Snow Shadow...no big whoop.)

97 min: Ok, so Ripcord shot down the first missile in his plane, which it turns out used the command code "fire" in CELTIC, which the smart Joe girl figured out and told him over the radio. NOW, he goes to fire at the second missile and says the word again no problem. There's a lot of unrealistic shit in this movie, but this is the most unrealistic of all. There is zippy chance Ripcord remembered the "fire" command in celtic while zooming at hundreds of miles an hour chasing a missile from Eastern Europe to Washington DC.

100 min: Hehe, McCullen angrily says, "Kill them all! Detonate THE ICE PACK!" which if you aren't paying attention sounds alright, but if you realize he just said "ice pack" it's pretty funny. Everyone's screaming, "Look out for the ICE PACK!" The Joe's are all like, "Pull back! The ICE PACK IS BLOWN!" I'd be screaming, "Don't get the goopy chemical gel on you! I've pulled lots of muscles, but I'm still unclear on whether or not that's bad!!"



104 min: Wow, that's a whole lotta CGI sinking into the ocean. I've also really wanted to make a, "More like C.G.I. Joe!" joke this whole time, but I also read that same quip in a review halfway through watching this so I feel unoriginal.

106 min: What the scientist guy has in technological brilliance, he totally lacks in nicknaming ability. He injects McCullen with Nanomites which turn his face into an iron mask instead of burned flesh. "James McCullen is no more. You are DESTRO!" he declares. He then puts on his own mask and says, "And you can call me COMMANDER!" Destro and Commander? They sound like strippers at a gay club in Pittsburgh.



107 min: The two villains are surrounded by Duke and the Joe army and are arrested. "This is just the beginning," Cobra Commander declares, to which Duke replies, "I'll be waiting for you." Seriously?? Three strikes in California and you're going to jail for drug posession, but Cobra Commander and The Guy Who Tried To Kill EVERYONE might make parole???

109 min: Ohhhh shit! The disguise guy is The President! Wait, did I mention disguise guy? My bad. So, there's this bad guy who's really into disguises. Like, he had a laser shoot him in the face and reconfigure his face cells to look like someone else. If someone asked, "So what are you into?" I imagine he'd reply, "I'm pretty into disguises." Anyway, at the end of the movie, he's the President, which would have been a GREAT TWIST, except it was really obvious the whole way through that he would end up being The President...oh-- of the United States, not like...of Walmart or Boston College or something. Which I suppose YOU didn't see/read coming, sooo.....TWIST!

110 min: And roll credits. Another successful children's toy brought to the big screen...gah. I'm a little offended Netflix OVERestimated my 1.4 star rating. Regardless, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A LEGOS MOVIE?? And why did they call this movie "The Rise of Cobra?" At best it's "The Rise and Fall of Cobra," or just, "G.I. Joe: Well, Now There's A Group Known As Cobra..." I don't get it. BUT DON'T WORRY, there's a sequel in the works. How bad does a movie have to be to NOT get a sequel? I'll explore that question and more when I watch "Sex and the City 2" for you all next week.

Say It Ain't So, Joe,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Halloween Costume Do's and Don't's This Year

Halloween is on Sunday, which means anyone deamed too old and/or creepy for trick or treating will be celebrating on Saturday. If you're anything like me, you wait until the very last minute to get a costume together, so I've decided to post some sexy ideas and some costumes to avoid this All Hallow's Eve Eve.

5 Costumes to Make Sexy This Year:

When did we decide to call these costumes "sexy" versions instead of "slutty" versions? Nobody says, "That girl's really sexy-- she blew the entire football team." I guess it's marketing, and, let's be honest, it doesn't matter what you call it, Halloween's the best show of creative nudity outside of New Orleans.

1) Sexy BP Oil Spill: Nobody is pro-oil spill, so you won't run into any controversy with this one. Throw on a a low cut, belly-button exposing top with some short shorts, douse yourself with Hershey's syrup and you're good to go. Add a syrup doused stuffed fish or bird for good measure. For best results, add a very specific detail to the costume and you'll be showing the world not only your body, but that you're literate, too.

2) Sexy Carl Paladino: Put the "uber date" back in "gubernatorial candidate" with this sexy costume. With the election coming up on Tuesday, this costume is ripped from the headlines. Simply wear a shirt and tie, but sexy it up however you see fit. Remember guys: having your dick out is NOT sexy, it's a felony.



3) Sexy Time: Wear some enticing, revealing clothes and a clock around your neck and once you get past all the Flavor Flav references, you can reveal that you're "Sexy time! Get it!?" Nothing gets a conversation started better than sounding like an Austrian making english language innuendo.

4) Sexy Trader Joe: This one is great because you can go as the traditional Trader Joe OR you can choose to go as Trader Jose, Trader Giotto, or, if you're feeling particularly adventurous, Trader Ming. No matter who you choose, make sure you make it sexy-- it will distract from the fact that, much like the products, the costume is vaguely racist.



5) Sexy Katherine Heigl: Hehehehe, get it? Because she's awful and unappealing. Feel free to be creative with this one-- Sexy Justin Long, Sexy Seth Rogen, Sexy Morgan Freeman, etc, etc...


5 Costume DON'T's this All Hallow's Eve Eve:

Two years ago, everyone and their dead celebrity crush went as The Joker for Halloween, and, let's be honest, it was borderline embarrassing to hear that seventh person ask, "Why so serious?" as if they were the first person to think of it. Here are some costumes to avoid this year.

1) Double Rainbow/Double Rainbow Guy - Just don't do it. Seriously. Even Sexy Double Rainbow is gonna be redundant no matter which party you go to. Besides, you're gonna get super sick of having everyone come up to you saying, "Whoooah, Double Rainbow! What does it mean!?" We get it, you watch Youtube videos. The only way this costume is acceptable is if you and your preferably gay partner are each a single rainbow and when people ask what you are, you both start making out, thus combining into a double rainbow. Twist.



2) Precious: The costume based on the movie Precious based on the book Push by Sapphire. I know, it's great in theory, but nothing good will come of it (especially if you go as Sexy Precious). If you're white and dress up like Precious, you're really dressing up as a racist, and if you're black and dress up like Precious, you're just making fun of fat girls who have been raped. So...pass.

3) The Prophet Mohammed - For those of you not familiar with Danish cartoons, just take my word for it-- it's still a bad idea. If you must get your religion on, the ever popular Jesus, or Moses, or Joseph Smith, or Buddha, or the lesser utilized L. Ron Hubbard are all still acceptable options. I realize Moses is not the Jewish deity, but do you have any idea what Yahweh looks like? I sure don't. Oo-- that gives me another sexy idea: Sexy afikoman.



4) The Jersey Shore Cast Member: There are going to be thousands of The Situations this Halloween, so don't be that guy. Your abs aren't as good and it's going to get awkward the more you show people yours. If you must make a Mike The Situation costume, do something creative with it like, "The Hypothesis: My abs are ok, but if I worked out more and ate less pizza, I think I could have a great six-pack." If you're desperate to show dudes your boobs and underwear, go as Snookie, and if you want to be boring and redundant, go as Ronnie and Sami. I guess if you can get an entire group of people to go as the entire cast, that could be pretty well done. Make sure to kick whoever dresses up as Angelina out of the group part way through the night...


(see...)

5) Insane Clown Posse: Honestly, I can't decide if this is a great or terrible costume idea. Taking cues from the "Miracles" song/video, there are a plethora of options for props and references. You could carry magnets while looking quizzical, rock a t-shirt that says, "Fuck Scientists," or just find some way to work in "crows" and "ghosts." On the other hand, if there are a hundred ICP jokes running around, you might look lame. If you want to go as ICP, maybe skip their born-again wonderment references of "Miracles" and go back to some of their less subtle classics like, "I Stuck Her With My Wang," "Bugz On My Nutz," or the straight forward tune, "Imma Kill U."


(Not just a clever name...)

It's Never Too Late For Sexy Strom Thurmond,
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Marketing For Dummies

"Trader Joe's Super Soft Bath Tissue has the power to make your anxieties melt away. It's super soft, living up to its name, and guaranteed to bring a smile with every use. Don't take our word for it. Take this miracle roll home and try it!"

First of all, false. It's not super soft, it's more like the roll of recycled toilet paper that my parents have in their house. Apparently, my parents are trying to make up for the fact that their generation is leaving my sister and I with looming armageddon by only buying toilet paper that feels like it was peeled right off a birch tree.


(Seventh Generation-- so named because when you wipe your ass with it, your great-great-great-great-great-great grandkids will feel the pain.)

Second of all, if I'm smiling while wiping my ass, something's very wrong. There's a time and a place for smiles and laughter and it's not while my hand is navigating dangerous spatial relationships via my mind. And what's this guarantee? Can I walk into a Trader Joe's, hand them the empty packaging and say, "Yeah, so, this didn't tickle my anus or bring joy to my heart, where's my money?" It's not a miracle roll, it's some dead trees that have been put in the unfortunate position of being on the business end of our business ends. Wait, is that what Fern Gully was about?



Speaking of toilet paper, the Denny's marketing has been annoying me for a while now. They keep advertising this 2, 4, 6, 8 value menu where each item is either two dollars, four dollars, six dollars, or eight dollars. Wait, so you have a list of items that range in value from two to eight dollars? You know what that's called? A MENU! You just have a regular menu. I can't imagine Moons Over My Hammy have gotten adjusted much for inflation since my last visit so stop trying so hard-- if someone makes the decision to eat at Denny's, they're gonna do it regardless of your marketing. That goes double if they're ordering this:



Yyyup. That's a grilled cheese sandwich with mozzarella sticks inside. You bet your ass I want one, but I have two little devils on my shoulders named "Shame" and "Restraint" so I'm not gonna have one. And, in case you were wondering, yes, this is why other countries hate us.

Finally, if you're anything like me (don't worry, I won't tell anyone), you watch a lot of shows on Hulu. Lately, they've been showing ads before the shows and during commercial breaks with a little choice at the top corner asking, "Is this ad relevant to you?" Oohhohoho Boy! As far as Hulu is concerned, I'm a middle-aged closeted gay pacific islander who's afraid to talk about HIV within my community, who drives a mini-van, uses swiffer mops, is against bringing your own bag to the supermarket, HATES wheat thins and doesn't want anything to do with cotton. THAT'S who's watching 30 Rock.



I hope this post is as useful to you as my Old Dogs post was to this person, who is totally, obviously, completely not a spammer in India being paid mere cents an hour to push terrible American products:*

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Witz Flix: Old Dogs":
Good dispatch and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thank you on your information.

Just glad I could help you with your "college assignment," Anonymous! I know those Old Dogs papers can be rough, but you sound like you have it all figured out. Just remember to site witzpickz.com as a reputable internet source.

Get 2, 4, 6, or 8 Decent Jokes For the Same Low Price,
Witz

*I also deny any involvement in such a job while working down in Austin one summer. A note to those in that position: When using cut and paste, it's important to pay at least a little attention, so as not to accidentally refer to electric wheelchairs as go-karts. Apparently, that angers some people who's parents recently passed away and are selling their stuff on ebay.

Witz Flix: Dear John

"What would you do with a letter that changed everything?" the tag line asks. Uh, I dunno...scan it and store it for perpetuity? Read it while listening to Queen's We Are the Champions? Eat it? Get super frustrated because the letter is so important and yet I'm still COMPLETELY ILLITERATE (twist!)? Who's to say?

It's no secret that I like The Notebook. I even saw The Time Traveler's Wife because I thought it was based on a Nicholas Sparks book (it's not. He'd never sink to including womb hopping, time fetuses). So when I heard about Dear John, I thought, "Sure, it SOUNDS terrible, but maybe it'll be alright, like Cambodian sandwiches, or tofuti, or Zach Ephron and the Seattle Seahawks. As always, there's only one way to find out:

0 min: Hm, the production company is called "Screen Gems." I don't know much, but one thing I've learned over the years is this: they're not all gems.

1 min: Channing Tatum is in the army. Tatum!? I hardly even know 'em!

2 min: Voiceover time. He's comparing himself as a soldier to coins he saw in a mint when he was little. Still, you can't say, "My ridges have been rimmed," and not expect a little giggle.

3 min: "When I was shot...right before everything went black, you wanna know the last thing that entered my mind? You." Wait, ME?? I feel like this is that Simpson's bit:

"Only WHO can prevent forest fires? You have selected 'you', referring to 'me.' That is wrong. The correct answer was 'me,' referring to 'you.'"

It cuts to Channing Tatum surfing where he sees Amanda Seyfried. She's hanging out with-- HOLY SHIT! SIX! IT'S JASON STREET FROM FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! AND HE'S WALKING AGAIN! WOOOOOO! I'm gonna be so pissed if Channing steals QB 1's girlfriend.



4 min: What the fuck Channing? Streeter knocks Amanda's bag into the water and runs around to go get it for her. Channing just dives off the pier and grabs it. Then, he ignores Street (who can run and swim again!) and just walks up to Amanda and hands her the bag. What a Douche-bag Retriever. And her name is Savannah?? Slllllllut. I wonder if it's because she's kinda hot, her hair always looks droopy, and I bet she goes crazy on St. Patty's Day.

6 min: Savannah invites Channing-- who's name is John by the way if you didn't follow The Clever-- back to a bbq at her place. Street is giving him shit and being kind of a dick, but to be fair, John IS trying to bang his girlfriend, so....one-half and a dozen.

8 min: "You ever notice how big the moon is when it's rising, and how little it is when it's up in the sky?" I hate you.

9 min: "Yeah, but it's only perspective," he replies, "It doesn't matter where it is in the sky, or where you are in the world...it's never bigger than your thumb." Man, the extremely-attractive really can say whatever they want and get away with it, huh? But seriously, movie, I get it, you're gonna reference the moon later when they're apart, move on. "Where'd you learn that?" she asks, because he's so good-looking, that constitutes learning. "I dunno," he replies, "Somewhere..." Translation: Uhh, yeah, so I just made that shit up because as long as I'm stringing even vaguely relevant words together, I'm pretttty sure I'm gonna see you naked tonight.

10 min: How didn't I notice that Channing has a goatee-- nay, a "bro-tee?" It's the Ed Hardy shirt of facial hair.

12 min: So there's this guy and his kid and they're "practically family" with Savannah. It's really really unclear at this point if the kid's supposed to be CUTE or DISABLED. I just like to know if I'm laughing WITH someone or AT someone (I mean, I'm still gonna laugh). I'll say this, though: he's no Jae Head. That kid's got the lockdown on cute. If Jae Head and Bobb'e J. Thompson (little black kid in Role Models) teamed up, they'd make millions.





17 min: John's dad is showing Savannah his coins...which isn't a euphamism. "He had his coins and change purse just hangin' out there!"

22 min: Aaand they're already kissing in the rain (he went with, "Well, you scare me," which did the trick). You're better than this, Nicholas Sparks. Also, and this has Big Love written all over it, she doesn't smoke, curse, have sex, or drink. I'm gonna go ahead and make the joke that my friend C-Murder would make: "Yeah, that's because she looks like she has fetal alcohol syndrome."

23 min: John and Savannah falling in love montage...you know, John Savannah would be a cool name...and Savannah John would be a singer or BBQ joint...but separately, those names are crappy.

24 min: So fuck Jason Street then, I guess?

28 min: Hahaha, great ways to ruin a relationship-- call someone's dad autistic when he's not. "Are you calling my dad retarded?" John yells. P.S. The little boy IS autistic.

30 min: Nice! John just went all G.I. Joe on the beach and punched a bunch of people. To be fair, it's easy to confuse guys on a beach with Cobra Commander.



32 min: It's gonna be really funny if his dad actually is autistic and went undiagnosed. That would mean that someone dated, married, and had a kid with an autistic guy and never thought somethin' might be up.

34 min: "Dear John..." (THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE!!!) "That's all it took. That's all it took to fall in love with you. Now we have a year apart. But what's a year apart when we had two weeks like that together." Two weeks!? I'm not sayin' I watched The Real World this season, but Savannah shouldn't be making the same mistakes Sahar did with Pablo. Don't judge me like that-- I'm researching a role called Seven Tweens Again, where seven people in their late 20's magically turn back into tweens and have to fit in. I'm a method actor.



38 min: They're writing a lot to each other, but c'mon, how necessary is an extended "how letters travel" sequence? It's mail, I get it. How come this dude is getting mail in war ravaged, zero-infrastructure countries, but two Netflix DVDs and a postcard have failed to get to me in Brooklyn?

40 min: "I wanna open up a horse-riding summer camp for autistic kids." Hold on. Brain hurting. I know there's a joke somewhere...ah, I'll get back to you on that one.

41 min: Boom! "But there's a full moon here tonight, blah blah blah, same size moon," writes John and cut to Savannah sticking her damn thumb at the moon.

46 min: Whoah. First time I've seen a "reaction to 9/11" scene in a movie. It's weird, because I'm pretty sure the movie wants our reaction to be, "Oh man-- this SUUUUCKS for John and Savannah!" Is 2001 considered a period piece yet?

50 min: John gets to be home with his Dad and Savannah for 16 hours. His dad goes all, "Wapner at five," and freaks out because he's not eating meatloaf on Saturday...but that could be anything! Toootally not severe autism.



52 min: By the way, they live in Charleston, South Carolina. Isn't naming your kid Savannah when you live in the south like wearing the t-shirt of the band you're going to see?

59 min: No matter how many layers he's wearing, you should always bet that Channing Tatum is wearing a wifebeater....do we still call those that? Also, they're doin' it and she's got her tatums out. Zippy chance she's on birth control. One and done, Channing, you're gonna be a papa.

62 min: John re-ups because of 9/11, which isn't nearly as big a dealbreaker for their relationship as the fact that I she's been writing all the letters in cursive. Are you freakin' kidding me??

64 min: I've never seen a movie with so many guns and so little action.

67 min: "Dear John..." OH SHIT! The first time was a movie title fake out! "...I know it's been too long since I wrote you..." the entendre's just waiting to be doubled! "...please forgive me for what I'm about to say..." Ohhhh snap! Now THAT'S A DEAR JOHN LETTER! RIGHT?! Aha-ha-ha-ha-ahhhhh FML.

72 min: John just got shot up in Iraq. He wakes up in a hospital. "Welcome back, Seargent Tyree. Rest easy, ok? You're in a hospital in Germany, and you're going to be just fine." Right. Because German hospitals have always been a bastion of comfort and safety...
....
....
....that was a nazi doctor joke.

75 min: John decides not to go home, but to stay in the army. "America, fuck yeah," montage for a bunch of years and then, "We're sending you home, John. This movie's not gonna have an arc all by itself."

78 min: John's dad is in bad shape and in the hospital. John gives him a letter that he wrote to him. Letters are kind of a thing in this movie. Did you guys have the Letter People in kindergarten? We did. "S" was for "Super Socks." Mr. S thought he was soooo coooool, but I got news for ya...he wasn't. WATCH THE VIDEO!

80 min: If ya ever want to make your life feel longer, watch this movie. Time basically stops.

87 min: He goes and sees Savannah. She's at her autistic horse camp (the horses aren't autistic), "Camp Horse Sense." He says, "You finally did it, huh?" Finally? Dude-- she's like 26! I'm 28 and ya know what I've started? A BLOG.

88 min: Hehehehehehe, turns out, "No. I tried. It only lasted one summer. It was expensive." Man, she didn't start anything! Meanwhile, you know what I've had for five years? A BLOG!

90 min: OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO SHEEEEIT! Savannah's married to the dad with the autistic kid. Don't worry though, he has lymphoma, so if John can just hang tight for a little while, I dunno, shoot some hoops, make another Step Up movie or something, he should be good to go in a little bit. Callous, Nicholas Sparks. With cancer, the guy looks JUST like Jim Carrey, though, so he's got that goin' for him...



94 min: She couldn't call him to tell him it was over because, "If I heard your voice, I knew I'd change my mind." Nicholas Sparks is all about love-postponed. I bet if we were roommates and I was like, "Yo, wanna get pizza?" he'd be all, "Eh, let's get it later."

98 min: She wants him to say he loves her, instead he says goodbye. He sells his Dad's coin collection-- oh, his dad died by the way, whoops-- and gives the money anonymously to Savannah so she can pay some cancer bills and keep her husband around a little longer.
...
...
...but then he dies and John comes back to her.

100 min: They hug. Fade to black. Roll credits under a painfully sentimental duet. There were songs in this movie called "Excelsior Lady," and, "Let Her Gift Be Me." These are things they need to tell us sooner. There should be a warning on the DVD.

102 min: Moral of the story? God hates single fathers. Two of them died, one from complications related to autism, the other from cancer, meanwhile John extended his tour in the army for seven years, only got shot once, and got to come home to hook back up with Savannah. Ya can't coach good lookin'.

I'm Gonna Complete the "Dear John," "P.S. I Love You," Trilogy with "Cinc-erely Yours" and the Main Character is Going to Be Yours Davis, a Simple Farm Boy in Cincinnatti Who Can't Tell a Lie and Falls In Love with Cincinnati Reds Pitcher Aaron Harang,



Witz

Witz Flix: He's Just Not That Into You

A Brief Interview with Witz:

Question: Are you really watching He's Just Not That Into You?
Answer: You bet I am.

Question: But didn't you already see it in theaters?
Answer: How do you know that?? Nevermind. Yes, I did, but I blocked it out.

Question: Why would you subject yourself to it again?
Answer: Why? Because I'm that dedicated. Because where there are bad films, there must be Witz. Because Netflix needs its true hero. Everyone knows I'm Netflix's White Knight. Netflix needs a hero with a face--

Question: --Did you just start shoe-horning The Dark Knight quotes into your answer?
Answer: I did, yes.

Question: So...what's the real answer?
Answer: ...The girl I like asked me to.

Question: That makes more sense. One last question: Do you see any problem with the movie poster?
Answer: I do! Why do they italicize "not?" Shouldn't they italicize "that?" He's just not THAT into you. The point is that he's into you, just not THAT much. Not enough.

Question: How do you live with yourself?
Answer: Day by day.

And with that...

3 min: Yyyyick. Margene from Big Love (Gigi in this) is on a date with Eric from Entourage. This vignette should be called, "He's Just As Awful As You."

4 min: E doesn't care about Gigi, but wants to bang Scarlett Johannson...obviously. Since she's not interested in getting in bed with the Lucky Charms leprechaun, she's gonna end up sleeping with Bradley Cooper who she just met at the supermarket. This is a great time for me to ask this question: WHY do girls like Eric on Entourage and WHEN did everyone decide Bradley Cooper was funny? Whenever I ask girls the latter, I always get a response that boils down to a monosyllabic, "Abs."

6 min: This really is painful. Scarlett just won a cooler in the checkout line at a supermarket and gets super excited about it, saying "I've never won anything before! This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me!" and hugs Bradley Cooper. I'm thinkin' that she wins something every month when she finds out she isn't pregnant.



7 min: Justin Long knows everything about girls. I knew those Mac commercials would pigeon-hole him as a smug son-of-a-bitch.

9 min: Ben Affleck's in this movie-- that guy ONLY makes good decisions. His character is dating Jennifer Aniston, but won’t marry her. He says it’s because he doesn’t believe in marriage, but I’m pretty sure it’s because he saw her in The Bounty Hunter.

12 min: Jennifer Connelly! Last time I saw her in a movie, she was in a very uncomfortable place-- and I don't mean the back of a Volkswagen.



16 min: Gigi is freaking out because Eric isn't calling her after the two of them had whatever the complete opposite of chemistry is on their first date.

17 min: I just realized that this movie is for girls, but is also about girls being dumb. The punch line to most of these jokes is, "Hahaha, us girls are STUPID."

20 min: "If a guy says he doesn't give a shit-- he really doesn't give a shit." Man...Justin Long got really jaded once Ed was canceled.

25 min: Enter Drew Barrymore. She looks like she’s been on at least 50 First Dates and is very upset about dating these days. Scarlett Johansson is asking her for advice, which is like a tank of gasoline asking which match looks safest to light.

27 min: Scarlett's rejected by married Bradley Cooper, so she flees back to Eric, who compliments her and then clings to her like she's his bafflingly overly-successful career when she hugs him.


("One of these things is not like the other one...")

32 min: It can't be good when you've been told one of the clichés that two sassy black women are talking about in He's Just Not That Into You as ways men breakup with women. And by “you” I mean, “me.”

33 min: Bradley Cooper's married to Jennifer Connelly, by the way. If they have a baby, it will be like a solar eclipse, where you can’t look directly at it, but instead will have to look through a hole in a piece of paper. That’s right—I think solar eclipses are TOO attractive to look at.

36 min: Oh man, this movie just dated itself (pun mildly intended): "My trampy little sister says Myspace is the new booty call." Let’s be honest though, who knew Facebook was gonna win that battle?* With Facebook at the top and Myspace in the dumps, where does that leave Friendster-- just blowin' dudes in the alley behind Jack In the Box?

38 min: First, I saw the "Domino Sugar" sign and now they said Baltimore. Why is this movie set in BALTIMORE? That’s everyone’s problem, right there. Move out of Baltimore! “I never meet any nice guys in Hamsterdam…”



45 min: Gigi met some guy at a happy hour, he asked for her card, she gave him hers, and now Justin Long is saying that the guy isn't into her, which is true, but I don't get it. Why did he ask for her card and give her his? Does he feel bad that he doesn't like her, but wants to enter her in a free lunch raffle to make up for it? Was he just so excited to have a business card that he wanted everyone to see?

46 min: If you ever wanna see Bradley Cooper's "rape face," go ahead and checkout minute 46, second 31 of this movie. Also, feel free to use "Rape Face" as the name of your next metal band.



48 min: Scarlett says, "Am I supposed to not be friends with a guy just because he's married? Or has an insane smile? Or an ass that makes me want to dry hump?" So much to discuss here: first of all, stop that; don't be a whore. Second, he LITERALLY has an insane smile. She smiled at him in a way that said, "I want to bang you," and he smiled in a way that said, "I bet I could fit your head in a hat box." Finally, I don't follow the ass and dry humping. Is she gonna hump HIS ass? Does she want to stand there while he backs that azz up against her? Or do good asses just make her want to rub up against jeans and zippers? I'm lost. Will this make sense to me when I'm older?

51 min: Things I'll never say to a girl I'm kissing: "Back atcha, sister."

53 min: Hahaha, alright, you know I give credit when credit is due:

Gigi: So what, now I'm just supposed to run from every guy who doesn't actually like me?
Justin Long: Uh, yeah.
Gigi: But there's not gonna be anyone left...



57 min: We're not even halfway done with this movie. Yowzah.

60 min: Justin Long is giving up all of guys' alleged dating secrets. Makes me wonder what happened to that masked magician on Fox a bunch of years back. From what I gather, the Magician’s Guild is like the Mafia, but are even better at making bodies disappear.

62 min: Luis Guzman is killin' it! I don't care if it's Old Dogs or this movie or John From Cincinnatti, the man does good work. He's like the Hispanic Seth Green.**

Jennifer Connelly: I can't have someone lying to me, to my face, under my roof, on my time.
Luis Guzman: ...That's a lot of prepositions...

68 min: "I am SO into you," Bradley Cooper tells Scarlett. Oh, so now we're emphasizing the right words? Save it for the sequel, Cooper. And WHEN are they gonna say the titular (he he he) line??

73 min: Ya know what's really bringing different ethnicities together? Cliché gay stereotypes. Drew Barrymore works with a gay black guy, a gay asian guy, and a gay white guy...and they're all the exact same painful stereotype.



74 min: All of the guys want Drew to check her voicemail at home, so they’re like, “phone home.” She’s doesn’t want to and is like, “Look, it’s not like I’ve Never Been Kissed…I mean, I’ve been Riding In Cars with Boys and, seriously, Everybody’s Fine, but Everyone Says I Love You and all the Best Men are taken, and, I dunno Home Fries, ever since Freddy Got Fingered I’m like, Lucky You, but I’ve been reaching a Fever Pitch with this love thing and maybe it’s just time I Whip It and leave Boys On the Side because I don’t know if any relationship I ever have is Going the Distance—sometimes it makes me wanna Scream, because let’s be honest, it’s getting to be some Grey Gardens down there and maybe these are just Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, but it’s like, even with all this Wishful Thinking, Everybody Loves Whales, but nobody loves ME!”

76 min: Jennifer Connelly has aged well-- just like, she looks like she has her shit together. Anyway, Cooper tells her that he slept with Scarlett. She's pissed and hurt, but doesn't want to throw away the marriage.

80 min: Kris Kristofferson is a class act.

82 min: WTF!? Kris Kristofferson just collapsed with a heart attack! This is like when I pick someone I like on Top Chef and they're immediately kicked off the show!

87 min: Gigi thinks that Justin Long is giving her signals. She makes a move at the end of his party and he rejects her and is all, "I'm just not into you to the degree that you want me to be into you." WHEN ARE THEY GONNA SAY IT!?? The suspense is killing me!

88 min: She tells him that she'd rather be the way she is than the way he is: cold and far from love. He stands there stunned, looking like someone just told him how fucking expensive Macs are.

93 min: Scarlett and Bradley are gonna bone in his office. Is this the movie where Scarlett gives up the tots? I would remember if Scarlett got naked, right? Jennifer Connelly shows up and Scarlett hides in the closet. Now JENNIFER wants to bone in his office! I bet Saving The Marriage Sex is craaaazy. Scarlett leaves the closet like an abused puppy when it's over. No tots.



96 min: Justin Long realizes he's just that into Gigi. It's unclear if he realizes that his face looks like that of an animated horse.




101 min: Aniston is taking care of a house of awful men (House of Awful Men should be a show on E!). Ben Affleck shows up and washes dishes to win her back. Man…she must really be special to go to such lengths….

105 min: J-Con finds Bradley Cooper's pack of cigarettes that he swore he didn't smoke anymore. She finally loses her shit and throws him and his stuff out of the house.

110 min: Wow, Eric's out of his G-D mind. Scarlett just limped back into his life because things didn't work out with Cooper, and the next day, he shows her a house he wants to buy in the hopes that she may someday soon move in with him and have it be theirs. Ya know what he should have bought instead of a house? A personality. Writers keep forgetting to make him remotely likeable.

113 min: Gigi just went on a date with Justin Long's Friend, a dude who looks like a third-string Kyle McLachlan, so...yeesh. He drops her off at her apartment and then there’s another knock on the door— BUT it’s Justin Long. Classic misdirection, movie. But wouldn't Justin Long and his friend have passed each other in the hallway? Was that not weird?

115 min: Justin Long and Gigi kiss. Blam! Affleck proposes to Aniston. Pow! The moral of the story? Keep being stupid, it might work out. Or is it that Justin Long is full of shit? Nope, it's never ever ever watch He's Just Not That Into You. SPEAKING OF WHICH, they never said it! I was waiting the whole damn movie for someone to say, "Look-- he's just not that into you!" at which point I was ready to jump up and break into applause like all those USA World Cup goal vs. Algeria reaction videos.

".............He's just not that into you..."



...I Mean, He Might Be, What the Hell Do I Know?,
Witz

*I'm legitimately excited to see The Social Network. Written by Aaron Sorkin, directed by David Fincher, and music by Trent Reznor? Sold.

**I am absolutely positive nobody has ever said that before and nobody ever will again.

Witz Pickz: In-Flight Entertainment

I'm 30,000 feet in the air, somewhere over Colorado, and I've hit that point in the six hour flight where I slowly regress to age six and want to whine things like, "I'm hungry, I'm antsy, I'm BOOORED!" In other words, Witz Pickz is about to get a whole lot sassier (read: crankier).


(frustrated little Witz)

Lemme put this rhetorical out there and see what you think: WHO. THE FUCK. DOESN'T KNOW THE PLANE RULES BY NOW? It's 2010, nearly a decade since, "no liquids, 3 oz containers, and take your shoes off." Granted, I've had both the need and fortunate circumstances to fly a lot since 2001 and consider myself something of a pro. I know my carry ons fit, I have my ID and boarding pass ready, and by the time I get to the x-ray machine, I have my laptop out, my shoes off, and my belt undone-- which in any other situation will get you a great view of the inside of a cop car. STILL. Doesn't everyone know the protocol by now?



The last time I flew, I saw a guy standing in the security line, working on a Big Gulp, suddenly shout, "Wait, what?! Are you kidding me, I can't bring my drink through security?? Since when??" I wanted to tell him, "Since shut up, sir. Since shut up."

Today, I stood there, hearing my plane being boarded, while the woman in front of me pulled one bottle of liquid after another out of her bag, like some sort of clown car act. Just full bottles of shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, perfume, hand soap, hair gel, it was hilarious and infuriating at the same time. It was almost made worth it when the security woman turned to me and said, "How the SHIT don't she know 'bout this by now? My Jesus!" well within earshot of the offender, to which I replied, "That's about what I was thinking..." and we shared a laugh, her laugh meaning, "The shit I have to deal with," and my laugh meaning, "See? I'm not a terrorist, please let me through security."



I slept for the first few hours of the flight and am now hungry, antsy, and bored. Fortunately, as I'm flying Virgin America, they serve meals on the plane, right? Kinda. My legitimate options are the NY Pastrami Sandwich or the Japanese Eggplant Sandwich. I've never had pastrami in my life, so it ain't happenin' on an airplane. The eggplant sounds good, but it also sounds like I might be running a Solo 4x4 relay to the bathroom for the remainder of the flight if anything goes awry. There is a tapas plate:

"Start with artisan brie, aged cheddar, and Swiss. Then, dip handcut zucchini, etc, etc, in our roasted tomato and herb hummus. Finish it off with sweet green grapes and dried figs."

First of all, we capitalize Swiss cheese? I didn't realize it had citizenship. I must have skipped out on the "proper vs. common cheeses" day of grammar in third grade. Secondly, I'm ok with the zucchini no matter how it's cut. And why specify? Is that the only part of the meal that's handcut? Are they just mass producing Virgin America Tapas Plates, sending logs of cheese through industrial machinery, and then there are people hand chopping zucchini?

"What's the hold up on those tapas plates? We're running way behind schedule!"
"It's the damn zucchini-- we simply can't handchop it fast enough!"

Finally, how about I eat your nine dollar tapas plate in whatever order I want? It's cheese, veggies, and fruit, not salad, steak, and chocolate mousse. You don't have to walk me through the experience, I get it.

Antsy. Not much you can do about that on a plane. When I'm particularly desperate, sometimes I'll wish I had a baby, because that's the only way it's socially acceptable to walk up and down the plane aisle, obviously lulling the kid to sleep. It's kinda the same as when I wish I smoked cigarettes, so that I could go outside with people or take a break from whatever I'm doing*-- having either one is a bad idea, but they might be nice every now and then.

Bored. I slept for a few hours, I read for a bit, and now I'm writing this. Virgin has in-flight satellite tv, but it turns out that daytime television is just as bad on a plane as it is in a living room. I could rent and watch a movie, but the only one of any interest is Sex and the City 2 so I can write about it here, but that's going to lead to, at the very least, the woman and the girl next to me seeing that I'm watching Sex and the City 2, to which my only defense is saying the words, "I'm only watching it for my blog," out loud.



As I just paused to consider what to do, it occurred to me that I'm hunched over my laptop in a cramped airplane seat, typing furiously and eating the last of the trek mix I brought with me like a squirrel that's positive there's no Winter worth saving for. I definitely look like an insane person. I suppose I'll read some more, or try sleeping, or make up some games to play. The woman behind me has been laughing her ass off and I haven't looked at her yet to try and figure out what she's watching. Given the options, it's a dead heat between Date Night and Death At a Funeral. Or maybe I'll watch House with the woman next to me on her screen and occasionally say too loudly, "That would NEVER happen in real life!" Or maybe I'll snag someone's baby, walk up the aisle, tamper with a bathroom smoke detector, and take a cigarette break. WHAT?? Abducting children and smoking on airplanes is illegal? SINCE WHEN???

So Fly,
Witz


*obviously, I'm referring to times in the past here.

Witz Pickz: Maine Vacation

My apologies for the far and few between; I simply haven't been embarrassing myself the way I used to. Having said that...

...Every summer since I was born, my family has taken a vacation to Maine. I think it began as a pleasant thought, turned into a family routine, evolved into a yearly disaster, and has since become simply, "What we do." Growing up, I have, allegedly, ruined upwards of eleven (a vacationer's dozen) of these so called vacations, but if you ask me, my parents were the ones who ruined the vacations by choosing Maine in the first place, especially after they went so poorly.

I mean, Maine calls itself "Vacationland." How desperate is that? You know what Hawaii calls itself? "The Aloha State," because they're like, "What up!", "See you later!" "Whatever!" You're arriving, you're leaving, it doesn't matter to them-- they're always gonna be in Hawaii. I don't even know how Maine became "Vacationland." Just because you were the last state draft dodgers entered before slipping into Canada, doesn't mean they were on vacation. That's like if Harriet Tubman was on The Underground Cruise Ship.*



The point is, last month I found myself once again lying on the hot sandy beaches and penguin dick freezing waters of Maine with my family. This time, however, I was there for three days, had my own car, and my sister was mixing daiquiries. Which is where the fun started:



My Grandma is a four-foot-ten, golf winnin', tennis playin', fully functional, eighty-two year old woman. She has "idears," and eats "begels." She'll play you in paddle ball, shame you for hitting one too low, and then promptly laugh gleefully as she slams the ball down on your side of the sand court, sending you running across the beach to go retrieve the ball as she cries, "My point!"



GRANDMA: Whattya makin'?
SWITZ (my sister): Daiquiries.
GRANDMA: Whaaat?
SWITZ: Daiquiris, you'll like them.
GRANDMA: I never heard of them...what's in 'em?
SWITZ: Strawberries, coconut rum, pinapple juice, ice...
GRANDMA: Ohhhhh, DYKE-ERIES!
SWITZ: Ummm...no.
GRANDMA: Yeah, dyke-eries. Rini and I have those in Mexico.
SWITZ: Grandma, they're called daiquiries.
GRANDMA: Whaaat? Dyke-eries!
MOM: Maybe if you're drinking them in a lesbian bar, Ma-- otherwise, she's right.
GRANDMA: And how do you say it??
SWITZ: Daiquiris!
GRANDMA:.....
SWITZ:......
GRANDMA: Nah, that doesn't sound right.



Earlier, my Grandma had been reading a terrible romance/thriller that she found lying around the house. She was disgusted, not by the content, but by the stupidity of the characters. Each of us sat listening for a solid ten minutes as she went through the plot so far. There was a politician and his wife, she met a guy, but she didn't want to cheat on the husband, but: "Get this-- he's a homosexual!" and then finally she goes out on a boat with the other guy, which is when my grandma came the closest she's ever come to saying the word "sex" in front of me.

GRANDMA: Then she goes on the boat with him and THEN-- Ha! Then, they have fun.
ME: Uh-huh.
GRANDMA: Like FUN fun, know what I mean??
ME: I do. I do know what you mean.
GRANDMA: But she loves this guy and her husband's been ignoring her, and she doesn't love him, but get this-- she doesn't know if she wants a divooorce. What a dummy!

Laughing, I turned on the TV, revealing a show I had never actually laughed at: Two and a Half Men. Who the hell is watching Two and A Half Men? Turns out, it's folks like my Grandma:

CHARLIE SHEEN(answering phone): Hello? Oh, hi mom. One second—- Get the door!
GRANDMA: Hehe, she’s at the door. Hehehe.
Someone opens the door and his mom is there.
GRANDMA: Hehehe.

Oh boy. Finally, thanks to daiquiries and a little game called Catch Phrase, I managed to embarrass myself:

For those of you not familiar with the game, Catch Phrase is a game where you give a partner clues and they have to guess what the word or phrase is before time runs out. I knew I was in trouble when my sister was my partner and I had to get her to say the phrase, "Go Whole Hog." My giggling wasted what little precious time we had left, leaving me with no other option than to give the clue, "If I appeared to be only attempting to eat half of a pig, but you wanted me to eat the entire pig, you would shout....." Shockingly, she didn't get it in time.

One round and another drink later, I was partners with my mom. Before I tell you what I shouted, it's important you know the clues I was given.

MOM: Two words.
WITZ: Ok.
MOM: Not shallow.
WITZ: Deep.
MOM: You have two of these in your pants!
WITZ: BALLS! BALLS DEEP!

Yep. I shouted "Balls deep!" at my mom.

WITZ: Er-- deep...balls. Deep Balls?? (BUZZER)
MOM: Noooo! (laughing) Pockets! Deep pockets!

Laughing and blushing, I tried to blame my mom:

WITZ: What?? Those aren't IN my pants, those are ON my pants! AND I have four of them!

But let's be honest, there's not really any coming back from that. Yet, despite it all, Vacationland was not a bust, I didn't ruin the trip, and we all agreed, like a group of Jews on Passover, knowing full well they'd be right where they were again, "Next year in Hawaii..."

More Like VacationBLAND,
Witz

*Yep, I went from Maine to an Underground Railroad joke in one step-- I'm getting really good at this...

P.S. On my drive up to Maine, I hit this AWESOME ODOMETER READING! Did I pull my car dangerously off the highway so I could take a picture of it without the speedometer needle blocking the shot, while my sister looked at me with a mixture of pity and understanding? You bet I did.

Witz Flix: Valentine's Day

I've only watched the previews and already I'm concerned for my well-being over the next two hours. "Sex and the City 2: Stoned In Abu Dhabi" kicked it off, which was like a preview for you all, too, because we all know I'll have to write about that one. A couple previews later, there was an inexplicably long preview for Doctor Zhivago (not a new one or anything, just the original), and then an ad for The Bachelor/Bachelorette VIDEO GAME. I can't even imagine what level of sad and removed you have to be to play that game, but if your character doesn't find love at the end of it, I have to assume you just kill yourself. Speaking of killing yourself, let's start the movie!

30 seconds: Nooooo! The movie just started and they've already given the final death blow to that Michael Franti & Spearhead song, "Say Hey" that I used to really like.

1 minute: There are so many famous names in this movie, and yet, we begin with Ashton Kutcher. He's with Jessica Alba and says, "My dad said...if you're ever with a girl who's too good for you, ask her to marry you," and pulls out a ring, concluding, "so..." and I fully expect him to conclude, "Do you think your middle-aged mom will like this ring I got for her," but instead he proposes to Jessica.

2 min: Can you really propose on Valentine's Day still? Doesn't seem very creative. I mean, isn't that just some kind of cheap ploy to turn two celebration dinners into one? When I propose, I'm gonna surprise the hell out of the girl, and be like, "I'll always remember 9/11...because it's the day I asked you to marry me!!"

4 min: Hahahaha, they just cut from Ashton Kutcher to George Lopez's face. Best joke of the movie.



5 min: Jamie Foxx is here. How has he not purchased a third or fourth x yet? He's a sports journalist...it's unclear at this moment what matters. Kathy Bates is here, but I doubt she's gonna torture the people I want her to torture in this one...

7 min: Here's the thing: this movie has tons of famous people in it...so it can't be my fault that when I saw a middle-aged asian man, it took me a few minutes to realize it wasn't Jackie Chan, right?

9 min: McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy is with Jennifer Garner. Yep, I used to watch Grey's Anatomy, ladies.

11 min: Topher Grace is alive! And banging Anne Hathaway?? Did they ever make a porn called "The Devil Wears Nada?" Also, she's a phone sex operator (is that still what they call that?), so that's somethin'.


(Uh, yup, they did...)

15 min: Really, movie? This kid is living with his grandparents it appears because his parents died and the grandma says, "This is a tough day for him...they used to make valentines together." Shut up.

16 min: Rut-roh, Taylor Swift is trying to act. It's terrible, but also she's actually funny. Weird.

20 min: Oh snap. McDreamy has a wife and kids that Garner doesn't know about. Forced Character Trait of the Year Award goes to: McDreamy for juggling apples, thus allowing his wife to say, "Doesn't Daddy juggle well?" That's a long way to go for one joke.

21 min: Bradley Cooper's on a plane with Julia Roberts, who is wearing a military uniform. All part of her next film, "Eat, Pray, Love, Kill, KILL, KILL!" She's been gone for eleven months and she didn't even cut her hair for the role-- this movie just lost credibility.

22 min: Man, Jessica Alba's really come a long way from those flagrant behind the ass while swimming shots in Into the Blue.



24 min: The orphan kid is talking about love with his grandpa. He has all these lay-up adorable lines, but can't manage to pull off cute. It's like "The Good Son" all over again.

28 min: I can't believe I'm admitting to this, but...Valentine's Day is stealing my shit. First, they called Topher Grace a "hoosier-head." Is that something people say? Because, I've been randomly saying, "What a hoosier," for no apparent reason the last few years. THEN, Anne Hathaway is an assistant to Queen Latifah, who says, "My name's Paula. I know they call me BiPaula Paula." (Why don't they just call her BiPaula?) My sister and I were making up AIM screennames for my dad (Paul) a while back and one of our top picks was "BiPaular!"*

29 min: Wait, what? Now that other McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy is here. He's an aging football player waiting for a new contract AND his publicist is Jessica Biel (who's doing slapstick comedy...FINALLY!). You can't have both Grey's dudes AND both Jessicas in the same movie. Stephen Hawking talked about this.

34 min: Taylor Swift is dating Taylor Lautner. Tweens around the nation begin spontaneously exploding.

36 min: Julia Roberts is really good at reading people. She can tell that Bradley Cooper is serious, but not committed, he's kind, but wants to be needed, and he has a problem with romance and Valentine's Day. That's amazing-- too bad she's still gonna get shot up when she can't hop over a wall...she could have at least tried to get buff for this role.

37 min: "Valentine's Day was a day when there was a massacre in Chicago and they killed everybody and put a curse on the Chicago Cubs!" a little kid says in school. I gotta give 'em the good jokes, occasionally. Fair and balanced coverage.

40 min: These two high school kids are meeting at lunch to have sex for the first time. The guy's friend drops him off and drives away. Is that really necessary? He should really be like, "Alright, once around the block oughta do the trick." Does he know he's missing grilled cheese day??

48 min: McDreamy buys two bouquets from Ashton Kutcher: one for his wife and one for Jennifer Garner, who is friends with Ashton Kutcher. Seriously? You have to show what a dick you are to the florist? You can't go to TWO different places? Ashton doesn't know if he should tell her or not...right, because things will probably workout with Jennifer and McDouchy in the long run.

54 min: Alba's taking back her proposal acceptance and is breaking up with Ashton. He immediately gets drunk and signs on for another Butterfly Effect sequel. He also decides he has to tell Jennifer Garner about her married boyfriend. This movie could win some points if everyone ends up alone.


(There are THREE!)

56 min: Shit. Ashton's gonna realize he's in love with Jennifer Garner, isn't he?

60 min: Christ.

61 min: WHOOOOOAH! What. Just. Happened? Ashton's going through security, it's taking too long, so he bails and runs away without his shoes, at which point...wait for it....a mentally challenged girl in a wheelchair shouts, "The man left his shoes! Mister, the man left his shoes!" How was that written in the script? Was someone like, "Yeah, and then Ashton will run off and a retarded girl will shout about it, it'll be hilarious." I'm totally gonna find out that girl is someone's relative who's life was made by getting to be in a movie, aren't I?

63 min: How is Seth Green not in this movie? New business venture: Film Seth Green with a green screen (no relation) behind him, so you can buy DVD versions of movies with him superimposed.

64 min: Just realized Jessica Alba's character is named Morley. Wha--...why?? I can't even fathom how many "Morley & Me" jokes I'd make if I knew them.

66 min: That little orphan kid is asked by the girl he has a crush on if he wants to warm up on the sideline of his soccer game. This is how he warms up: She throws the ball to him, he catches it, throws it up and heads it to her...then she catches it and throws it back to him. I'm guessing this is why they aren't starting.

70 min: Has it been seventy minutes already....?

71 min: Taylor Swift is owning this movie right now. When is Taylor Lautner turning into a wolf and killing everyone?

72 min: "Today's a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone a little kid." That's...just not...accurate.

73 min: Sex At Lunch girl is telling the grandparents about how she had a bad day, was going to have sex for the first time, but didn't, and how she, "Wanted it to be magical and I'm realizing that it's hard to plan something to be magical, you know?" Yeah, maybe the lunch hour, sprinting home to a hopefully empty house sex just isn't the best plan...

77 min: Grandpa thinks he and Grandma only had sex with each other. Grandma flips out and reveals that she cheated on him a while back. This movie is like Valentine's Day's Revenge.

81 min: McSteamy calls a press conference and says that he's not retiring from football and also he's gay. The NFL is like, "Finally! Old gay dudes reppin' the league!"



85 min: Can we just assume something vaguely resembling plot is happening? I need a breather.

86 min: Touche. Just when you think you're out, Valentine's Day makes you laugh.

88 min: Reasonable question: Would anybody out there take life advice from George Lopez? Because Ashton is.

92 min: Did you know that Valentine's Day is the busiest day of the year for phone sex operators (adult phone entertainers)? That might be the saddest thing I've ever heard.

98 min: Jessica Biel is hosting an I Hate Valentine's Day Party...they must have gotten an advanced screening.

104 min: The orphan kid gives his flowers to Jennifer Garner (twist!). For a moment you kinda see her considering her options, as if she's on the game show, "Are You Smart Enough Not to Bang a Fifth Grader?" Then, she tells him he should go regift the flowers to that Indian girl he was with at soccer. It's kind of the perfect storm of Indian Giving.

105 min: Jennifer Garner either just had a House-like epiphany or she pooped herself. Fifty-fifty guess at this point.


(looked a lot like this)

106 min: You're a fool if you didn't think they could shoehorn choreographed Indian dancing into this movie.

107 min: Hey, how do you stop blood that's gushing from your eyes after you knifed them out?

110 min: Ohhhh snap! Bradley Cooper's gay and with McSteamy the football player. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "I'm part of the A-Team."



112 min: Why was Kathy Bates in this movie? Was it just foreshadowing that it was going to be "misery"?

114 min: Jennifer Garner and Ashton finally makeout. I like imagining Ben Affleck off to the side seething, partially because Ashton's kissing his girl, but also because he made "Reindeer Games."

116 min: Whaaa? Little orphan kid isn't an orphan! His mom is Julia Roberts. How dare you sap my empathy, movie. Shame on you.

118 min: And the movie's over....well, I guess at least-- OHHHHH! OUTTAKES DURING THE CREDITS! I love outtakes-- I don't care what movie they're from. The two Taylors say they know it's confusing that their names are the same, Julia Roberts references Pretty Woman (I think), and that dang Ashton Kutcher can't seem to get the van seatbelt to work. SIGH. If this movie had just been a documentary ABOUT the making of Valentine's Day, with outtakes and people making fun of themselves, it would have been infinitely superior. No, but seriously folks, how do you stop the eye blood?

Valentine's Day Still Got 12% Higher Ratings Than Old Dogs,
Witz


*Some others included: PaulMyFinger, ItsAPaulWorld, Paulitical, ThePaulidayInn, Paultergeist, Paultergeist2, YourPenPaul, CarpaulTunnelSyndrome, ForeignPaulicy, ThePaulerExpress, ExitPaul, LiveAtTheApaullo, ShockedAndAppaulled, IGoPaullistic, PaullisticMissiles, and AllergicToPaullen. I'm not telling you what we ended up with...you're not IMing with my dad.