Thursday, May 08, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Food Shopping While Hungry, and Wyclef Telling Us When He's Playing Guitar

I would have posted yesterday or the day before, but since I've already posted FIFTEEN TIMES about my shit-tastic immune system and how often I get sick, I didn't think it'd be worth it. But when the sick passes, the appetite comes back, and that's when bad things happen, because there's nothing left in the house and it's time to go:

Shopping Hungry: They say you should NEVER go food shopping hungry and they are absolutely right. I find that almost every time I go food shopping, it's when I'm hungry. Bad things always happen. I'll go in expecting to buy one sandwhich from the deli, or one package of ravioli and some sauce, but then those aisles call to me, and the next thing I know, I have all sorts of ridiculous stuff overflowing my hand basket. And it never occurs to me that these items are bad ideas until I get home, have some food in me, and unpack the veggie burger patties, roasted tomatoes, whole deli pickles, super-sized box of Cracklin' Oat Bran, etc.

Then all of a sudden, I wonder what I ever intended to do with a specialty glass bottle of marinated artichoke hearts?? Did I really expect to start drinking vast amounts of juice? Because I usually end up with a half gallon of strawberry-banana juice, pineapple-juice, orange-strawberry-banana-pineapple juice, and maybe even a mango-guava if the price was right. Because that's really what it is-- on a lot of items, high prices seem more reasonable when you're hungry. I won't buy a box of Triscuits for 5 dollars until I'm hungry and shopping and I WANT that box of Triscuits for 5 dollars.

Then there's what I like to call the "Delusions of Food Construction." This is where I'm so hungry that I see separate items and assume that THIS IS THE TIME I will take the leap to use these items together to create something tremendous. Hell yeah, it's definitely worth buying yogurt, peanut butter, bananas, frozen strawberries, and soy milk for 20 dollars so I can make maybe one semi-tasty smoothie that I could get at Jamba Juice for 4 bucks. Or my personal favorite: The Veggie Sandwhich. When I go in to the store and get a special kind of motivation and confidence, truly believing that it's worth spending the money to get all the ingredients to make an actually tasty and healthy vegetable sandwhich. Cucumbers, onions, mushrooms, sprouts, cream cheese, italian dressing, tomatoes, rolls, and on and on until I've suddenly dropped FORTY DOLLARS on ingredients that I will maybe use once, store improperly, realize I don't really want to eat, and leave hidden in the vegetable "crisper" until they are rotten and the farthest thing from crispy possible. Yet, no matter how many times I learn my lesson, I keep shopping hungry.

Wyclef Telling Us When He's Playing His Guitar:
I noticed it in the past, but never has it been as prevalent and obvious as on Wyclef Jean's newest (and fantastic) album, "The Carnival II: Memoirs of an Immigrant." I guess maybe he didn't know which song people would end up hearing on the radio so he felt the need to do it on every song, but Wyclef constantly feels it's necessary to tell us that he's gonna play his guitar. "Gimme my guitar," he says, or, "Where's my guitar at?" or "I'm gonna play something for you," he feels the need to bring to our attention. It makes me want to tell him, "Thanks, Wyclef, we got it-- you play guitar. How about you just play it, and since we're listening to YOUR ALBUM and since we all know by now that YOU PLAY GUITAR, we'll just assume it's you!" That's like if everytime I posted I felt the need to say, "Now lemme crack a joke for a second." You'll know when it happens, I don't need to announce it. Or maybe he's just trying to show how he's different than other people in hip-hop. Like, maybe when he says, "Check this out on guitar," what he really means is, "Fifty-Cent couldn't do this!" and he's probably right. I couldn't see Fitty taking guitar lessons so he could work one mean riff into his songs. "Magic Stick" is not about his flute that he breaks out at the end of his album. I don't see Kanye West jammin' on a saxaphone, although I think it might add to his sound. Maybe Lupe Fiasco will start playing the trumpet. Maybe we'll hear Jay-Z say, "I'm gonna play a little something for ya...on my french horn," on his next album. If so, Wyclef has done some good. If not, please, Wyclef, we know, please just do it.

This Is Me Saying Bye,

No comments: