Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Witz Pickz: Economic Stimulus Packages and The Magic Bullet

The goverment gave me $300 and after doing the math, I'm pretty sure it's just enough to pay for a a few tanks of gas on my way to Canada. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving the extra money that the government is throwing our way, and more than likely you got twice as much as I did because you, "Worked a socially appropriate amount of time last all of it." But somehow, an "economic stimulus package" feels a lot like when my parents would give me a few bucks to go see a movie with my friends so I wasn't being obnoxious around the house in the hot summer heat.

I mean, what is an economic stimulus package if not simply the government throwing money at a problem in the hopes that it will sort itself out? They're basically saying, "Our economy is struggling, let's give them back some of the money we took from them and watch as they buy all our crazy crap!" The thing is, $300 directly deposited into my bank account doesn't register as "$300 more dollars to blow on Iron Man." It translates into, "$300 more dollars in my bank account that I will use to pay off the car work that I already had done. Or, $300 more dollars to pay off my co-pays, cable, etc." If I had received $600 dollars like most people, I probably would go out and buy a new tv. It'd be interesting to see if there wasn't a threshold like that that people have-- I'm guessing their is and the govt did a lot of research about it beforehand.

But let's say I'm planning on spending my $300 on crazy crap. What would I spend it on??

The Magic Bullet:
Widely known, vaguely trusted, this magic infomercial blender has the chopping attachment as the screw on top as opposed to the other way around. While the infomercial is hilarious and as magical as one could hope, it also seems to have a high level of prep that they don't tell you about, and potentially an graduate degree entitled, "Order of Ingredients: Life Beyond the Blades." You see, after reading a ton of reviews, it sounds like order is everything. While it only takes three or four ingredients to make pesto, load them incorrectly and the blade will jam, your pine nuts will remain intact, and your Pesto Party will be totally fucked.

Yesterday, however, I had my first opportunity to use the Magic Bullet. It wasn't mine, but I was given all the attachments and all of the cups and accessories, so I was able to pretend. Lemme backup and explain how this came about. You see, as noted, the informercial is great. This was proven when at lunch someone was asked, "If you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be?" I wasn't paying too much attention, because in my head I was already answering the obvious question with, "Pizza," because that's my answer to everything, food related or not. "What do you want for dinner/lunch/breakfast/brunch/fourth meal?" My answer: Pizza. "How are we going to stimulate our economy?" My answer: Pizza. So I was a bit surprised when I heard, "Chocolate mousse," as the answer. Something immediately clicked and I shouted, "I can make chocolate mousse in the magic bullet!" And an advertiser somewhere got another royalty check.

So I bought the two ingredients that the bullet says you need: heavy cream and chocolate syrup. I tried it once and failed miserably-- I made the fattest chocolate milk ever. Then I tried again...and again...and again. It was during this time that I learned that "magic" smells a lot like an overheating motor. Eventually, I ended up with what resembled curdled chunks. Hello Leslie stepped up and like the first guy to suck from a cow's teet or the first person to decide eating chicken fetuses was probably a good move, she dipped her finger in and tried it-- discovering that they were actually what I would call mousse bits (hehehe). There was a weird liquid at the bottom, but I knew we were close.

I thought back to all of my chemistry knowledge and promptly remembered that I didn't pay ANY attention in chemistry, but instead chose to build make shift battleship boards out of notebook paper that My Friend Formerly With A Pool and I would use to play games during class. I then remembered that I didn't take any useful science classes in college (unless I'm near an exploding star or trapped on the ocean floor). Shit. So I winged it and went with the assumption that I had used too much syrup. Adding more cream to the bullet chamber, and a very little bit of chocolate syrup, I screwed back on the Whipping Blade-- which sounds like a gay 80's glam-rock band-- and started blending. And oh was I ever rewarded. Opening up the lid, I found rings of whipped chocolate mousse-- and it was delicious. In this action, I proved two things: that the magic bullet truly works, and that I really DON'T need chemistry. Guess and Check STILL WORKS.

So if you need something to spend your "buy shit quickly" money on, I suggest the Magic Bullet. At least if you spend over $100 on chocolate mousse annually.

Fire Up the Magic Bullet And Ride That Thing To Glory,

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