Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Witz DOESN'T Pick:Dream Vomiting, Brunch Alone, Mike Piazza Retiring From Baseball

You'll never guess who just pedalled past me: Taj Finger. We all assume I'm stalking him, but what if he's actually stalking me? Just something to think about. Here's something else to think about:

Dream Vomiting:
Yep. Don't worry I didn't do it, but I sure did come close. Who knew this little gem of life existed? I, for one, did not. I mean, I've slept on this Earth for 25+ years and not once did I almost vomit in real life based on something in a dream. Not once. And that's why the world is magical and new each and every day. Because Sunday morning (after NOT drinking the night before), I woke myself up by gagging. My girlfriend was staring with a baffled smirk on her face, not sure whether to laugh or race me to the emergency room (I'm pretty sure each and every day she wakes thinking, "I wonder if today is the day we rush Witz to the emergency room). At the time, I recalled vividly some dream involving a party and breaking and entering, and a karaoke contest, and sewage, and so I immediately asked (suspicious of my body), "Did I wake up gagging?" She confirmed my theory so I continued, "Like I was about to throw up?" Yep, she nodded. I knew that I was about to throw up in my dream, but I didn't think that was allowed to translate into real life. That same morning, however, I found out that my earache had gone away-- so it was kind of like the scales of life realigning themselves for me: earache gone/dream vomiting exists. L'chaim.

Brunch Alone:
Thankfully, I've never actually gone to brunch alone, but while joking around the other day, I said that fine, my girlfriend might have work to do, but I'm going to brunch. That got me thinking about brunch and eating alone at a restaurant in general. Eating at a restaurant alone is borderline unacceptable and certainly frowned upon. It means that you absolutely must go out to a restaurant for sustenance, but that absolutely nobody is available to go with you-- and yet you still choose to do it over getting fast good, pizza, a sandwhich, visiting the supermarket, or simply sucking down ketchup packets you have in your car. Instead, you choose to sit at a table, by yourself, and eat food that takes a while to get to you. Forgetting Sarah Marshall actually has a good couple of jokes about this.

Now, of all the meals, brunch is probably the least acceptable. You need those other three meals, but brunch means that you skipped breakfast (or worse, had breakfast), and that you can't hold out until lunch. It means that you are so out of touch with your own body and appetite, that you want food from BOTH meals, no questions asked. You also prooobably intend on stuffing yourself stupid. Eating alone at a restaurant for breakfast is bearable with a paper, eating lunch is acceptable because people need to leave the office, and eating out for dinner alone is awkward and depressing. But eating at a restaurant alone for BRUNCH is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Nobody, and I mean nobody, should have the gall or self-confidence to sit down at 11am on a Sunday, drop $30 for entry, and strap on a feed bag of pancakes, waffles, toast, eggs, bacon, shrimp, fish, salad, fruit salad, yogurt, and anything else the place had left over. Brunch is off limits to parties of one.

Mike Piazza Retires From Baseball:
Here's a philosophical question: can you retire from baseball if you are not signed by any club and you are currently not playing baseball? Mike Piazza thinks so. After 19 years in the majors, he announced that he is retiring. His team didn't get mad at him, because he is currently not on a team and not playing any baseball. Mike Piazza retiring from baseball is like if I was fired from my job and then yelled at them that I quit. No, I didn't. Baseball retired Mike Piazza. Otherwise, I guess I retired from baseball too. "Yeah, I mean, I was doing pretty well at JV in high school, but, I just thought it was time to move on to the next chapter of my life-- beyond pro ball." I just hope he finds something else useful to do and doesn't sit by himself thinking, "Maybe I'll go get some brunch alone."

It's A Tuesday, Gimme A Break,


nickv said...

hey, congratulations on the corporate sponsorship. "booty call friends" looks like a fine and upstanding business venture...

um, yeah, you might want to get that pulled.

JKow said...

Do you think waking up gagging is at all related to the terrible feeling that you're not actually falling asleep, but, in fact dying? I've had that one several times- not fun.

IrishGal said...

The excuse I use if caught eating alone: "I'm in town on business." Works like a charm, provided you are in town on business...