Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Witz Pickz: Miniature Guide Horses!!

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I want one-- no, no-- I NEED one. A mini-horse. But not just any mini-horse, because I've known about those for years (although to be honest I thought them a myth and assumed that mirrors were somehow involved), no, I want a guide-mini-horse.

As this amazing website for The Guide Horse Foundation explains, there are now miniature horses available to act as seeing eye guides for the blind. Blam-- your world just changed. Combining classic "seeing-eye" training with exciting mini-horse technology, these guides are able to serve blind people who are either unable to handle dog dander, or simply want to flaunt their blindness to the world. This also confirms my life-long hunch that blind people FUCKING LOVE MINI HORSES! The horses lead the blind around (just like dogs), guide them indoors and on escalators (just like dogs), and sleep in beds (just like-- wait).

Take this picture, for example. Look as the super happy blind guy walks through the mall or potentially an airport concourse, sipping at his coffee and walking like a champ on the tiles. My favorite part about the picture, however, is the dude with his dog staring at them. There's no doubt in my mind that he's thinking, "Look at this joker!" Then again, he might be blind too, because what's he doing with a dog indoors?

As you'll also notice in the picture, and the absolute best part about these mini-horses, is that they're wearing HIGH TOPS. Probably as a way to mute the clacking that horses make, these horses wear two pairs of high tops when they walk. This opens limitless possibilities. If I (which is to say "WHEN I") own a mini-guide-horse, I would take full advantage of the situation. I'd buy one set (4 shoes) of Nike Pumps for the horse, and would make sure to give each shoe a few pumps before we set out on any adventure. That way he would both feel comfortable on the journey, and know that he's a balla. The other set I would reserve for nighttime excursions (let's be honest, I'm mostly riding this mini-horse home drunk-- he's essentially a cute taxi-- frankly, any mobile pack-animal that knows the way home is ultimately just a drunk time taxi). This night set would be LA Lights-- let's all say "Hell yeah" together-- that would light up and bling out everytime he clomped down on the pavement and sidewalk. That's right, my mini-horse would have street fx. The only downside about the shoes is that if you take a look, it doesn't exactly look like they're all on properly or necessarily the right feet-- which is probably the one negative aspect of having a BLIND PERSON dressing the horse.

The other great thing about owning a mini-horse would be the ability to constantly say "mini-horse" in ridiculous situations. Like, when on a plane, you'd get to say, "Pardon me, but would you slide over so I can sit next to my mini-horse?" or if they didn't allow the horse on the actual plane, and someone said, "Man, this flight sure is bumpy!" I could respond, "Tell me about it! And I've got my mini-horse down below to worry about!" At movies, "Now does my mini-horse need a ticket?" RSVP-ing for events, "I'll be attending the luncheon, as will my mini-horse," and in hotels, "You haven't ridden an elevator until you've ridden an elevator with a mini-horse." The options are endless and the scenarios infinite.

Unfortunately, it appears you have to be blind to acquire a miniature guide horse. While I could buy a regular ass miniature horse all by myself (and not all that expensive really, $1500+), why would I want a horse without training when I know what's available on the market? That's like hiring the GED candidate when the PhD candidate is also sending out resumes. Which means that if you see me over the next six months or so, don't be shocked if I'm walking around with sunglasses on, holding out a retractable stick, and pretending that I'm blind. I'm gettin' me a mini-guide-horse, one way or the other.

Add "With My Mini-Horse" To The End Of Every Fortune Cookie Fortune You Get,

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