Friday, January 01, 2010

Witz Pickz: 2010 -- A New Year's Revolution

As I lay in my twin bed, alone, having just finished the better part of a large cheese pizza, and watching Glee on my laptop, it occurred to me that maybe it was time for some New Year's Resolutions.

For the last few years, I have built a structural foundation for my resolutions. As you might recall, three years ago, I made a resolution to stick to future resolutions. Two years ago, I made the resolution to make more plausible, attainable resolutions, which would, in turn, give me more confidence for attaining future resolutions. Last year...I don't think I made any resolutions, was kind of a step backwards, I suppose. THIS YEAR, however, the time has come for action. After all, as I sit here writing this, my phone is declaring that it is January 1, 2010.


It looks like the future. It looks like the kind of date that would appear along with computerized beeping at the bottom of a movie screen, right before robots step into the frame and destroy New York City. When you say twenty-ten, it sounds like action; powerful, like a military command or a police code for "righteous vengeance."* In retrospect, "two-thousand-nine" sounds like the police code declaring that two british gentlemen are planning on meeting for tea-- and both are running on time. The whole ought's are weak-willed, spineless sounding years, full of pandering and doubt.

So this year, I have my action based resolutions, which, thanks to three-ish years of preparation and framework, will be successful:

1) Burritos will be a sometimes food. Anybody can eat burritos all the time, but it takes a strong individual to not eat a burrito when you want one. This is not a metaphor. Burritos are way too delicious. This leads us to...

2) Start having my friends refer to me as "The Hypothetical." For those of you enlightened folk who have already been watching the Jersey Shore, you know what I am referencing, but because not everyone has found the true path to peace and wisdom, and because it's worth repeating anyway, I will explain. There is a guy on the Jersey Shore who refers to himself as "The Situation." He does this, and other people actually call him "The Situation", because he is absolutely ripped, especially his abs. His ridiculous abs ARE "the situation." Once girls get a look at "the situation," it's game on.

So I decided that I'm gonna start referring to my abs as "the hypothetical." They aren't completely ripped, but IF I cut down on the burritos and IF I started injecting my ass with steroids, I could turn my vague six-pack into a ripped, cut, crowd pleasing situation. "Once girls get a look at The Hypothetical,they KNOW I-- probably have a decent personality and they could probably do worse. That's The Hypothetical."**

3) Cut down on extraneous entertainment. This encompasses a few things. For instance, it means that I should continue to not watch The Sing-Off, even though watching Glee kind of made me want to see the real deal-- but acapella is acapella and the line has to be drawn somewhere.

This also means cutting down on spontaneous arts and crafts projects because it's starting to get weird. I'm not an arts and crafts guy by any means, but in the last month I both made a menorrah out of a gingerbread house kit, and put together a star for the top of my apartment's christmas tree. The gingerbread menorrah was a complete failure and ended up simply being The World's Most Dangerous Menorrah; I stuck thumb tacks through a piece of cardboard to hold the candles in place which had the dual function of stabbing everyone who couldn't see the tacks, AND allowing the candles to fall off the menorrah incredibly easily to then potentially light the apartment on fire.

The christmas tree star was a cardboard star cut out of a pizza box (yep, the aforementioned Glee watching pizza box), wrapped in tin foil, and taped to a roll of toilet paper. "I know it sounds ghetto, but my family has had one on my christmas tree at home for the last twenty-seven years," I told my roommates as I taped the cardboard toilet paper roll to the star. "You're, like, really craftsy, huh?" one roommate replied, and I knew something in my life had gone horribly awry-- hence the resolution.

4) My final resolution this year is to not get down on myself if I don't hold to all of my resolutions. I'm making this resolution because YOU know and I know that I'm absolutely going to watch The Sing-Off, HOWEVER, I am also making this resolution because it's better to realize that it is ok to fail sometimes than for me to simply give up on resolutions in the future. The future that has arrived. Twenty-ten is here.

Happy New Year and 01/11/10 Is Gonna Be A Badass Palindromic Date,

*It doesn't mean that. There's no twenty-ten code, but there is a 10-20 which means "location" as well as a code twenty meaning "acute trauma" and code ten meaning "critical trauma" a twenty-ten could kinda mean, "definitely injured in some way" which is, like, kiiinda badass...

**If I was really muscular with a golden tan I'd ask people to refer to me as "Shredded Wheat."

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