Friday, January 22, 2010

Witz Pickz: Steve

I walked past a church today that said, "Nothing is too hard for God!" which is great, except it seems beside the point, doesn't it? That's like if you were trying to start a lawnmower and someone said:

"You know who could start that mower for you? Steve."
"Awesome, where's Steve?"
"Oh, I dunno, I haven't seen that dude in years."

You know what seems like it might be too hard for God? Proving His existence. Now, I know that everyone remotely religious will contradict that with, "He doesn't need to prove His existence-- the point is to have faith-- to believe," and I can agree with that sentiment and can even throw my hat in with the "faith is good" crowd (as long as I get it back when the hat throwing and happy hour is over-- in fact, I can't think of anything more immediately disheartening than to have enough faith to throw your hat into a big pile of hats to prove your faith and then end up without the hat you were expecting to get back. There's a life lesson there). However, that argument only seems to work when you drop the G-bomb. It wouldn't work if I said to people,

"There's nothing too hard for Steve!"
"Can Steve knit?"
"Can Steve play a clarinet?"
"That is so easy for Steve."
"What about inverted rock climbing?"
"Absolutely, Steve can do that."
"Steve can INVERTED rock climb?"
"...Fine, prove it."
"Steve doesn't need to prove it to you."
"Is Steve even here?"
"No-- I mean yes-- I mean kind of."
"He's not HERE, but he's like...around, you know?"
"But he won't come hangout or prove that he can inverted rock climb?"
"I don't see that happening, no."
"But he can?"
"Yes. NOTHING is too hard for STEVE!"
"So Steve can knit, play clarinet, and rock climb?"
"Of course he can."
"Steve sounds like a tool."

It's all just so presumptuous. Maybe God IS omnipotent, and omniscient, and all that, but the Sunday crossword puzzle is REALLY HARD. Yeah, He's all-knowing, but there's SO MUCH TO KNOW. I've only been around for twenty-seven years and a lot of the time, I can't remember what I did THE DAY BEFORE. I probably KNOW the answer, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna remember it. Maybe the Rubix Cube is too hard for God. I wouldn't think any less of Him, but maybe He's one of those guys switching the stickers when nobody's looking. Or maybe He can do the Rubix Cube, but has trouble creating worlds where plate techtonics don't cause parts of the world's crust to grind on each other like teenagers in the backseat of a mustang, thereby causing major earthquakes in places like Haiti. Or maybe that's part of His Plan.

Even if the answer is YES to all of these things, that doesn't help me out at your church, unless he's set up some kind of booth (I mean an "It's Easy For G" booth, not a kissing booth). Until then, I'm going to keep having faith in my own abilities and the abilities of those I know-- regardless of how inverted Steve's rock climbing might be.

Religious Race Car Driver's Bumper Sticker: "God Gets My Motor Running,"


I want to have this conversation with someone at that church:

WITZ: Nothing's too hard for God?
WITZ: Could God drive drunk?
PRIEST: I-- I don't think he WOULD, but yes, I suppose he could.
WITZ: Isn't that dangerous?
PRIEST: God would be able to make sure he didn't hit anyone.
WITZ: Still, that seems a little irresponsible, no? I mean, he's a major role model, he shouldn't be driving drunk, that's not legal at all.
PRIEST: He wouldn't get pulled over by the police.
WITZ: So he'd use his power to impede law enforcement? Even Harry Potter didn't--
PRIEST: --NO! He wouldn't--
WITZ: --Besides, why is God getting drunk in the first place? I mean, sure, the job's stressful, but it's not too hard for Him...
PRIEST: God's not-- He-- You think you can just waltz in here and write a fictional religious conversation between yourself and a Priest about GOD??
WITZ: Well...I guess I just liked the idea of God getting wasted, but for some reason having to drive home...and Him being really good at it.


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