Thursday, January 21, 2010

Witz Pickz: Things I'm Telling People About YOU

That's right, YOU! I've decided that it's time to spread some rumors and ruin YOUR chances at running for office for a change, so here are some of the things I've been telling people:

Remember when you were reading that book and laughed so hard that you peed yourself even though there's nothing funny about The Diary of Anne Frank? I'm telling people about that.

Remember that time you wore a "Show Us Your Tits" t-shirt when you went to see Mother Teresa speak? I'm telling them about that, too.

Remember that time you stole those Slim Jims and Mountain Dew even though you had enough money to buy them because you wanted the purchasing experience to be, "As extreme as the flavor?" Shame on you.

Remember that time you were regional manager of Dunkin Donuts and had all the stores throw out their unsold goods at the end of the night instead of giving them to hungry homeless people? They'll remember that about you.

Remember when you said you wish you had "Gandhi's waist and flexibility," because you'd "Bang like a champ"? I'm telling people about that.

Remember when we were little and we found that cat in the woods and you wanted to name it Gregory and I wanted to name it Midnight and then you stabbed it repeatedly while I screamed and cried and you just laughed and laughed and stabbed and stabbed? Now THEY know about that.

Remember when you didn't use all the chains on The Wolfman?

Remember when you said the ending of Milk was, "Contrived and unrealistic?" Don't you feel silly, now?

Remember when you started the Boston Massacre by shooting Crispus Attucks? They won't forgive you for that one.

How could you sell the Whalers away from Hartford?

Remember when you yelled at the mentally-disabled bagger at the grocery store because he crushed the hot dog buns and "If he can't do the job right, he shouldn't have the job?" That was a bit much, wasn't it?

Remember when you swore that "Her eyes said yes."?

Remember when you swore that "His eyes said yes."?

Remember when you swore that "Its eyes said yes!"?

Remember when you said you missed, "The good old days," and I asked, "You mean the '90's?" and you replied, "The Slave Era"? You shouldn't have gone around saying things like that.

Remember when you said that there are only two great actresses in this world: the first being Sandra Bullock and the second ALSO being Sandra Bullock?

Remember when you voted YES on Prop 8? You're an asshole.

Remember when you referred to Charles Dickens as "The Dan Brown of the 19th Century?"

Finally, I'm telling people a story about you. I'm telling them about the time you were having trouble getting your work done at school, and so instead of working harder, you scored some amphetamines to help you out. Even though you never took them, you left them in your locker, where your unsuspecting cousin found and took them, thinking they were vitamins. Yup-- it was all your fault that your cousin was rushed to the hospital and could have died. I'm telling people that story, and not a single one realizes that it's the episode "Just Say Yo" from season three of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I'm Gonna Be Pissed When I Find This Idea As A Far More Successful Spinoff Blog In Six Months,

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