Monday, January 11, 2010

Witz Pickz: The Things We Carry

I hope nobody ever finds me dead and judges me based on the gift cards found in my wallet. I don't need some stranger at my funeral eulogizing me with, "He was an Applebee's and Chili's kinda guy who loved shopping at Target and acquiring free games of mini-golf." To be fair, that's not very far off from the truth, but it's not how I want to be remembered, which is why I've decided to start carrying around a "Just In Case" wallet:

"Witz, why do you have an XXL magnum condom, an organ donor card, pictures of several African children, and a AAA card in your wallet??"

"Because, if I ever die and someone looks in my wallet, I want them to think I have a huge penis, care about others more than myself, and have numerous adopted children. The AAA card is just good sense-- you never know when your car will break down..."

"Hm. Because, it looks like you kidnap, rape, and murder children."


"It's like a emergency felony kit."

"I--...did not think about it like that."

So, maybe I won't. Either way, looking in my wallet really made me think about my material posessions and how they can be taken out of context. For example: I have an "I (heart) NY" mug on my desk which was, ironically enough, given to me at my last job, where I was later laid off, which is when I moved to NYC. Out of context, however, I'm just the kind of guy who lives in NY and owns an I heart NY mug-- which seems both smug and oddly competitive to me. "No, no, I'm sure you enjoy NY, I'm just saying that I cared enough to buy this t-shirt..."

Some other items in my room that might be given more significance than they are due include: a touch-lamp (because I'm so lazy that if I want something to function, I just want to haphazardly swing my hand at it), an inordinate number of vitamins (from my dad), incense (from my mom), a shopping bag from Anne Taylor (formerly full of food sent back with me after Christmas), the book "Jewtopia" (gift), and a pair of boxers with soccer balls on them which announce on the waistband, "Just Balls."

On the other hand, here are some items I hope are not discovered or given the amount of significance they actually have: currently five empty poland spring water bottles (it's starting to be a problem), an unpaid speeding ticket from 2001, my brand new Cuisinart, eight bottles of wine and two bottles of whiskey, a pair of Stanford socks (purchased to be worn AT the Stanford gym when I forgot to bring socks to work one day), four partially consumed bags of trek mix consisting predominantly of dried cranberries, a homemade sign I found in my closet back home over the holidays that declares, "Something's BRUIN on FOX!" (My friend, Zak Jazz and I always tried to get on TV at sporting events...), and a ziplock bag full of a highly suspicious number of "Stanford Leading Matters" flash drives.

Finally, here's a list of items that I hope people see and give far more relevance to my life than they actually have: a pair of O.R. scrubs, a cowboy hat, a copy of Infinite Jest that I doubt I'll ever finish, a longstanding Netflix DVD of Drag Me to Hell (maybe someone would think that I loved the movie as opposed to the fact that I haven't watched it alone because it would be too scary), WORK shoes, WORK shirts, WORK ties, and really anything serving as evidence that I'm on some sort of career path-- obviously excluding a career path that includes the condoms, donor card, and pictures of African children...

I Apple New York,

P.S. It's 01-11-10! And props to my friend, Melanie C But Not Sporty Spice, for pointing out that January 2nd was an even better palindrome: 01022010

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