Witz DOESN'T Pick: Drama at the Theater (Part 1: I Am Number Four)

That's a decently clever post title right there. I mean, not amazing, but like, 4:45 on a Thursday while at work clever, right? Whatever. I saw two movies in the last week and while that seems simple enough, anyone who thinks, "What is he going to post about? How could that possibly go wrong?" hasn't been paying attention.

First up was the sci-fi action movie "I Am Number Four," which my buddy and I went to see because we wanted to see an action movie, it has Timothy Olyphant from "Justified" in it, and we were intrigued by the massive disparity on moviefone.com between the audience's rating of 91% and the critics' rating of 36%. I guess if you went in planning on seeing a shitty sci-fi action movie, you probably rated it higher than if you just saw "The King's Speech" and this was just the next on your list.

Needless to say, people are dumb and it wasn't very good. We walked into the theater and felt like the title was actually referring to how many people were in the audience. My friend was number three. I was number four. I didn't bring a note pad or anything so I could do a Witz Flix running commentary, but I regretted it pretty immediately. About five minutes into the movie, the lead character is swimming in the ocean of Australia with some girl and his leg starts to glow and burn painfully. Instead of saying something like, "What is that? Did you get stung by a jelly fish??" the girl simply screams, "He's a freak!!!" and runs away. You can't coach hate.


(What?)

They're forced to move to a quiet town in the Midwest, ironically named "Paradise." It's at that moment that I realized "I Am Number Four" is actually "Twilight" that's supposed to appeal guys. It's about an attractive, blond haired, muscular dude from outer space who comes to a small off-the-map town and falls for the local hot chick, but they never actually are able to seal the deal.

Despite looking like he came out of an Abercrombie catalogue, the main character is treated like an outcast at school and his guardian (Timothy Olyphant) tells him to, "Just blend in." Just blend in? He's a six foot, good looking, super ripped up dude who's clearly in his early to mid-twenties. Alien bullshit aside, this kid ain't blending in.


("Hi, I'm just a normal 17 year old kid. I'm certainly not an alien who looks human and is way too old to be in high school and it's DEFINITELY not weird that I'm trying to have sex with you.")

The part my friend and I couldn't accept, however, was at the end when the guy's regular looking dog suddenly turns into a giant alien dog, fights off other alien beasts to save him and then collapses on the floor, seemingly to die. The main characters eventually (SPOILER ALERT) kill all the bad guys, and then they just wander off into the sunrise. My friend and I both had the same reaction: "WHAT ABOUT YOUR DOG!? How about a quick check to see what happened to man's best friend and maybe to give it a proper burial if need be? How about a quick look-see for your fucking SPACE DOG, which just SAVED YOUR GODDAMN LIFE? Oh, I guess not." In the last scene of the movie, the dog comes hobbling back to the group on three legs and everyone's just like, "Oh hey, there's that space dog-- cool." This is why aliens don't deserve nice things.

Having said all that, the movie was alright to watch if you took it with a grain of salt, or all of the snacks that we snuck in. When did movies give up on enforcing the no outside food or drink policy? They used to pat me down or eye every bulge that might have been a pack of Combos when I was a kid (which, when I type it like that, sounds fairly molesty), but I can now walk into a theater with a jacket CLEARLY filled with a foot long sandwich and a bag of chips and nobody cares anymore. This has to be up there with Women's Suffrage, the Civil Rights Movement, and Gay Marriage for the top social advances in the last 100 years.

This time, I snuck in some almonds and those Cadbury Mini-Eggs with the hard candy shell and the delicious velvety chocolate inside. Everything was going well until about the 70 minute mark, when I nonchalantly tossed a mini-egg into my mouth. It missed my teeth, missed my tongue, and landed snugly halfway down my throat. I coughed; it didn't budge. I coughed again, a little more seriously; nope. I tried to breath and found that I couldn't.



Thoughts ran through my mind: "Oh my god, I don't know how to administer the Heimlich to myself...," along with, "I wonder if my friend knows the Heimlich," and, "I don't want to make a scene in the middle of this movie theater because of a Cadbury Mini-Egg." And then: "Holy shit. Am I gonna fucking die in a movie theater while watching 'I Am Number Four'?? Oh shit oh shit oh shit!"

A story suddenly popped into my head-- the story of my freshman year roommate in college, who was choking on a lifesaver candy and suddenly remembered that there was a hole in the middle: "I just stopped freaking out and breathed normally, dude!" he had told me. What hadn't I tried? I swallowed and the egg moved. I swallowed again and I felt it find its way down to my stomach. I had a few crazy thoughts, like, "But I didn't crack the shell! Can my stomach digest an uncracked mini-egg?" but was otherwise alright. As far as anyone could tell, all that had happened was another minute of "I Am Number Four."

"I almost just died," I whispered to my friend.
"What?" he asked, turning his attention to me and leaning in.
"Choking on a mini-egg; I almost just died." This time he heard me.
"What the fuck is the matter with you?" he replied and turned back to the movie.
"I am number four," I whispered jokingly, but there was an explosion, and he didn't hear a word.


(it would have been a worthy death)

I Bet the Second Alien Got ENDLESS "Number Two" Jokes,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Presidents' Day Starting Five

I tend to shy away from sports posts, especially sports like soccer that aren't widely loved in these parts, so as not to alienate my audience (which, given what I keep in, really makes you wonder who I think my audience is). HOWEVER, in anticipation for Presidents' Day this Monday, the day my indoor soccer team usually has a game, I came up with my top five US Presidents that I would want on my squad. Even if you don't like soccer or sports, I think you'll agree:



Goalkeeper: Abe Lincoln -- Not a tough decision. Our tallest president at 6'4'', the man's got reach. Add his strong work ethic and willingness to put himself on the line (read: end-slavery), and you've got yourself a wall of a keeper. Forget Paul Pierce, it shouldn't take long before Honest Abe is known only as, "The Truth."

Defense: Ulysses S. Grant -- In 20 years, Wayne Rooney is going to look exactly like this 18th President of the United States. At 5'8'' with some weight on him, Grant could anchor the defense while making the occasional run up front to put one in the back of the net. Plus, everyone could call him "The General" and that would be awesome.









Defense: Andrew Johnson -- Johnson is a bruiser, simple as that. He might not have been the most talented or have the softest touch, but he's a man that's been through some shit and you need a guy like that on the field. Tough, resilient, and determined. Even after Tennessee seceded from the Union, Johnson remained in the Senate, making him a hero in the North, and by all accounts, one stubborn son-of-a-bitch:



Striker/Midfielder: James Madison -- Our 4th President clocked in at a Carlos Tevez-esque 5'4'', and like Tevez and height-mate Paul Scholes, Madison would absolutely have a chip on his shoulder. I mean look at him-- the man popped his collar long before it was cool, and well before The Three-Six Mafia was rapping about it. Scrappy, determined, and a team player: when deemed the "Father of the Constitution," Madison replied that it was instead, "the work of many heads and many hands." It wouldn't be long before J-Mads would be one of the crowd favorites.



Striker: Barack Obama -- This shouldn't surprise anybody. Say what you will about his effectiveness in the White House, Obama's clearly our most athletic President; which everyone says, but seems vaguely racist when I type it out like that...hm. Tall, in good shape, and he knows how to move (at least on the basketball court: ala Steve Nash). Can inspire a team in a time of crisis and adds a little bit of diversity to what is currently, a really really ridiculously white lookin' squad.



I know what you're thinking, but no, JFK would not make a good addition to the squad. He'd be the guy going over to the stands when he was on the bench and hitting on the women, and he would tear the team apart...And Millard Fillmore looks like a flopper.

Isn't It Weird That As Long As the Internet Exists, There is One Day Out of Every Year When the Band "The Presidents of the United States of America" Will Remain Relevant?,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The King's Speech

(Nothing about the movie is as playful as that tagline...)

The other night, M-Dash and I went to the movies to see The Fighter. We both wanted to see it, and while we heard that The King's Speech was good, we both agreed that we were in a The Fighter mood-- Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale always seem like a better option than Geoffrey Rush and Colin "It's not the length, it's the" Firth.

We were half an hour early for the 7:45 showing, and bought our tickets. "That specific theater doesn't have heat right now, so if you think it's too cold, you can get a refund up to twenty-minutes into the film," she told us. "Whatever, it's probably not a big deal," we thought, and went ahead into the theater.

And ya know what? It wasn't a big deal. What was a big deal was that the room we walked into was about the size of my Brooklyn apartment, had maybe 40 chairs, the screen was only slighter larger than a big screen TV, and it was empty. Oh yeah, and several chairs were broken, ripped, and contained "Out of Order" signs, and the ones that were "In Order" were stuck in various states of recline, and stained in curious ways. There are only so many descriptive words you can use without just coming out and saying, "Rape Room," so there it is; it looked like a storage room where people had been getting repeatedly raped by chimpanzees. There was no doubt in my mind that it had bed bugs, and that those bed bugs had gonorrhea. I expected to look at the walls and see pictures that Dexter had taped there before he murdered his victims. It was your classic murder-rape room that would make an Austrian Dungeon Owner jealous. It looked like an exhibit at the MoMA called, "Personification of AIDS." It looked as though 28 days earlier, someone had been bitten by an angry, infected monkey. We turned around and walked out.



"It's a little cold," I told the ticket girl. "Can we see the 7:20 King's Speech instead?"
"Yeah, no problem," she said, and exchanged our tickets. We ran up the stairs to check the other theater. We opened the door and looked out over your typical, upscale, quality movie theater. We found some seats, and both had the same thought: "It is appalling that they charge the same amount of money to go see a movie in the nice stadium style theater and the super sketchy Spunk Dungeon." I'm assuming we both independently thought of the phrase "spunk dungeon." The movie started.

I knew from the minute the first title appeared the screen reading, "In 1925, The Duke of York was asked by his father, King George the V, to give a speech at Wembley Stadium," that I was NOT in a The King's Speech mood. I was in a The Fighter mood, and so was M-Dash. She laughed audibly at the first title, and I nodded. The first scene then proceeded to play out like the infamous "Answering Machine Scene" in Swingers. I don't think I'm spoiling anything by telling you that Colin Firth's character sucks at speaking. He's just miserable at it. As good as Kanye West is at sounding like a crazy person, is how bad this guy was at talking. Watching him stammer through a sentence for five minutes of my life made me want to knife everyone in the theater, but, as we all are aware by now, we were in the wrong room for that. Like most of the people in the character's life, I wanted to shout, "Ok, I get it, but JUST FUCKING SAY IT, MAN!" Painful.


(How M-Dash and I looked during the first ten minutes of the movie)

"Wait-- so this whole movie is about the Duke of York's speech impediment?" M-Dash asked, and I nodded in agreement with the implied judgement and incredulity. Shockingly, despite our negative internal reaction and my slight squirming and barely audible sighs, they kept playing the movie for everyone, and it didn't take long for me to start slowly caring about the characters. Geoffrey "No, seriously, I was the bad guy in Pirates of the Carribean!" Rush was engrossing, and Colin Firth's acting was Oscar worthy, so slowly but surely, the film won me over, which is pretty impressive. Really, the only slow parts were the parts where Colin Firth couldn't get his gggg-gg-g-g-ggggggggg-gg-gggggg-gggggggggG-GODDAMN WORDS OUT! So, if they just cut out all the parts where the King speaks, I think The King's Speech would have been a really great film. And I didn't even need to delouse myself afterward.

"Is this movie NOT about Elvis!?",
Witz

Witz DOESN'T Pick: Bio Shock (Not the Game)

"Let's not shit our self, today," I thought, as I balled myself up in the fetal position, took a swig of apple juice, and prayed. "Not on a Saturday afternoon."

I realize, that after a month of no posts, it might seem that I subconsciously wanted things to turn out the way they did when I went to give blood on Saturday, but you would be wrong. For starters, I was going because my girlfriend (aka M-Dash) is a big proponent of giving blood as much as possible, so the last thing I wanted to do was shame myself in front of her. Also, I had been told they gave out cookies after, and I loves me some oatmeal raisin.


(Note: not a real hero)

We entered the blood donation room and were welcomed by a friendly female doctor, and the sounds of murder from the other room. The doctor's name was Kim, and the sounds of murder were yet to be determined. We sat down and were told to fill out a form. There was basic information to fill out and then there were a bunch of medical and lifestyle questions. After reading the questions, it appeared the general idea was, "Are you gay? Do you have HIV or AIDS? We don't care what your answer to the second question is, we don't trust you if you're gay." They also asked a lot of questions about having had sex with anyone who had a bunch of different diseases, which, with my girlfriend in the room, played out a lot like Mitch Hedberg's AIDS test: "I just ask my friends if they know anyone with AIDS. No? Cool. Because you know me."


(www.slapupsidethehead.com)

Having passed the form test, we were granted access into the blood-letting room. We hopped up onto our lounge chairs slash torture recliners, and waited for Kim. On the television, Stone Cold Steve Austin was fighting in the jungle with one of the guys from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.

M-Dash: What movie is this, babe? It looks like something you would watch. (Read: You watch a ton of shitty movies, including that time you made me watch Easy-A and now I'm gonna make fun of you in front of the doctor for it...)

Witz: Pff, gee, thanks...(Read: Yeah, I've probably seen this movie)

Doctor: I think it's called The Condemned. (Read: I watch movies on USA all the time in this office and this one is definitely called The Condemned.)

Witz: Oh...yeah, I think I might have seen it...(Read: Shit. I've absolutely seen this before)

M-Dash: Why are they--

Witz: --A bunch of convicts were put on an island with tv cameras and told to all kill each other until only one is left...I mean, I think...

With the movie sorted out, it was time to stab us with needles. First, the doctor got M-Dash going, and then she turned her attention to me. "When was the last time you gave blood?" No idea. "Have you had any bad reactions in the past?" Well, when I had an IV hooked up to me about eight years ago, my body went into shock and my blood pressure dropped dangerously low, but that's not the same thing, right? "Ok, let's get you going." I felt the pinch, but didn't look at the needle or blood. I lay there, absently glancing at The Condemned, squeezing the blood-drop-shaped stress ball "every five to ten seconds," and waiting.


("I don't see any reason why a super-violent movie entitled THE CONDEMNED would be a bad idea to show in a blood donation center...")

At about the three-minute mark, I thought, "My stomach feels weird, I wonder if I'm hungry. I hope I get that cookie soon." At the three-minute five-second mark, I felt like maybe I was sweating a little. At the three-minute ten-second mark, M-Dash asked, "How are you doing, you alright?" and I replied, "You know I'm not six, right?" for the benefit of the doctor, when what I really meant was, "I wanna go home. Where's my cookie?" At the three-minute fifteen-second mark, I felt like the world had gotten ever so slightly darker. By the three-minute thirty-second mark, I was drenched from head to toe in sweat, saw stars and flashes of blackness, my face and lips had gone completely white, and I was trying not to vomit and release my bowels at the same time (a double whammy I call the Chinese Finger Trap). "C'mon body," I thought, "Let's not shit our self, today. Not on a Saturday afternoon."

I think it's important to note that, while I don't enjoy it, I've thrown up plenty, both in the privacy of my own bathroom, and in front of both friends and strangers. It's vaguely accepted by society. And, like most people, I have that Cal Ripken like streak of not pooping myself intact, which I see as a small, but significant achievement. It's not the type of streak you want a day off from. So, I was clearly in a dire place.


(Cal Ripken, Jr., keeping the streak alive...)

"Do you think you can finish?" the doctor asked.
"How much longer?" What a trooper, right?
"Three minutes," she told me.
"Nope. Get this thing out of me now." Oh well, maybe not.

The doctor rushed over and told me to cough hard. "This is no time to administer a hernia test!" I thought, but did as I was told. She then activated three cold packs and placed them on my neck, my forehead, and wrist. "Apple or Orange juice?" she asked. "Apple sounds good," I told her, like the five year old child I'd become, and was given a small airline style cup of apple juice, which is awesome, because, like most people, I enjoy juice more when it's served in shallow petri-dish fashion. She then told me to go into the fetal position*, which was great because that was my exact natural instinct: flight. Once again, just like when I passed out on an airplane, my body said, "Listen. Witz. Fight just doesn't seem like our style. I think we should go with the whole flight thing on this one," and shut down.

Apparently, blood leaves dudes' bodies at a much quicker rate than women's, which means this is a good time to insert your own menstrual cycle joke. It also means that on occasion, when giving blood, men's brains think we're dying and go into shock. To be fair to my brain, I was having blood drawn at a rapid rate from my vein, so I WAS kind of dying. It didn't help any that while I was systematically, but still not literally, losing my shit, the increasingly relevant feeling movie The Condemned was blaring on the television with scenes of the bad guy stabbing and shooting innocent people who had no method of escape. Not the best choice for the BLOOD DONOR CLINIC.

Within a few minutes, color was returning to my face, I felt less like I was going to throw up, and was pretty certain (and let's be honest, anything less than "positive" is a very uncomfortable, borderline unacceptable state) that I wasn't going to poop myself. I sipped my apple juice, lay in the fetal position, and attempted to gauge my failure:

"So, did you get enough blood to use?"
"We were about 300 cc's short."
"Ah, so what, you just throw it out?"
"No, no, we use it for research!"

I had failed big time. What research would they possibly be doing on my blood? Research on why I sucked at giving blood? No, my blood was going to be donated to death-metal bands, so it could be thrown onto the audience at Gwar concerts, and we both knew it. Needless to say, I didn't get a cookie. She implied it was because I might throw it up, but I knew better. Cookies go to winners and I had lost.


(Gwar! Because you don't get drenched with blood at The Arcade Fire shows.)

"Now, I want you to come back," she said. "Try again, your body might respond differently, and we'll know to keep an eye on you from the beginning next time." I gave her what I can only describe as a Polite Stare and went to put my coat on. "Do you think he'll come back?" she asked M-Dash. "Maybe," she flagrantly lied, before adding "But probably not for a while..."

Out on the street, on our way to get some Gatorade into my system, M-Dash turned to me with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry that went so badly for you," she told me. "That's alright," I replied, "I finally have something to write about."

"Don't EVER do that again!" -My Mom,
Witz


*"What's your favorite sex pose?"
"Ohhh, I guess probably the fetal position."

Witz Flix: Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps

(I love Shia's expression in this poster. Even he's not sure why he's making this movie.)

It's 5pm, I'm back home for the holidays, and I have exactly four hours to watch Wall Street II: Money Never Sleeps before it is no longer available ondemand. You see, at 9pm last night, my parents paid money to watch this movie, and by all accounts, it was a disaster. So, how can I resist?

1 min: The movie opens with Gordon Gecko (Michael Douglas) getting out of jail and retrieving his belongings. He has a gold watch, an empty money clip and a huge old Zack Morris phone. Ironically, he was the one given a 20 year "time-out."

2 min: Oh, thank god, Shia The Beef is narrating. I guess Morgan Freeman was all booked up.

3 min: We cut to "7 Years Later," 2008. Opening sequence...I don't think it's ever too early to talk about the subtitle, "Money Never Sleeps." For a split second, it sounds acceptable, but then a little synapse pops and suddenly your head aches because it's SO FUCKING STUPID. Money never sleeps? Ohhhh, that's probably just because IT'S MONEY. You might as well call it: "Wall Street II: Cats Don't Play Jenga."


(or do they?)

5 min: Shia's in bed with Carrie Mulligan who is best known for creepily banging Peter Sarsgard (is there any other way) in An Education. She's Gordon's daughter. He's a preternaturally business-minded prodigy who's making an assload of cash. Like, Season Premier of The Biggest Loser assload.

6 min: David Byrne and Brian Eno did the soundtrack for Wall Street 2?? I can't imagine actively acquiring the Wall Street II Soundtrack.

8 min: It's definitely a problem that Wall Street: Money Rarely Naps can't exist without being compared to the original Wall Street because Shia's like a more hateable Charlie Sheen.

17 min: Shia owns and has been pushing a stock that's plummeting, but he refuses to give up on it. I know JUST how he feels-- I had to hang tough while my TWO shares of Chipotle stock plummeted from 130 to 70 a share. But look at it now: 230! All people are doing is eating burritos and playing on their iPads.


(Warning: Do not eat a burrito and then try dancing)

21 min: Josh Brolin's in this movie?? Was he NOT in a movie this past year?

23 min: I can't believe I'm having trouble understanding what's going on in Wall Street II: Money Stay-cations. Thanks a lot, creative writing degree.

27 min: Shia's investment firm had to be bailed out by the government after an extremely devestating week. They show his boss, who was rich, but is now broke, going into a subway station. "Oh, I see, they're showing how he has to take the subway now instead of a taxi because he's broke," I think. He has a confused expression on his face. "Oh, I see, it's been a while since he used the subway." He then charges forward and hops in front of the train. "Wow, it's been a REALLY long time since he's used the subway! He's really bad at it!" I think, and then realize he was committing suicide. Seriously guy, thanks for making everyone late. It's not like the 6 train is a hoot regularly.

29 min: Shia's now broke and getting married to Carrie Do-over. He goes to watch Gordon Gecko give a talk. Apparently, Gordon spent the last eight years in prison honing his financial humor. It's like going to see Bill Gates and hearing him open with, "More like 'Crapple,' am I right?"

38 min: "Oh, Money's a She, alright. She lies there at night, looking at you-- one eye open. Money's a bitch that never sleeps. And she's jealous and if you don't pay close, close attention, she might be gone forever." A few things here: 1) So...money doesn't sleep, but still only keeps one eye open? That seems unnecessary, except that 2) If money doesn't sleep for 72 hours, it's legally insane. 3) Someone needs to tell Gordon Gecko about a savings account.

40 min: Shia is taking beef (see what I did there?) with whoever started the rumor which led to his mentor's downfall. He thinks it was Josh Brolin, so he's plotting revenge by causing a crash on one of Brolin's companies...or something like that. It sorta works and Josh Brolin offers him a job and he accepts so he can get closer to him.

46 min: Susan Sarandon is Shia's mom. Which I think means that Bull Durham is his father...



55 min: I wish Shia could TRANSFORM this movie into less of a piece of shit...

67 min: Shia's pushing this fusion energy company to some Chinese investors. He explains how the technology works, and, as far as I can tell, it's exactly the same as the Keanu Reeves/Morgan Freeman classic, "Chain Reaction." If I had to explain fusion technology I'd be like, "You push a button and the razor shakes."



71 min: BOOM!!! CHARLIE SHEEN CAMEO! I gotta be honest, it's all I've been hoping for since the movie started. And I'll tell ya, it's suuuper depressing. "Bud Fox" may have done the right thing in Wall Street, but he still looks like he's been arrested for numerous coked up incidents with prostitutes ever since.

74 min: "So easy even a cave man can do it, huh?" Gordon jokes about getting rich. Are they really referencing the Geiko Gecko? Not even Peter Dinklage could limbo under the bar Oliver Stone has set for this movie.

78 min: Carrie Mulligan always looks like she just farted and nobody else knows it yet:



85 min: The big stock market collapse happens, and we see a meeting with Josh Brolin and the feds discussing the bailout. "It's an economic Pearl Harbor," one commentator says, and I can't agree more. This movie is just as bad as the movie Pearl Harbor only it's about money.

86 min: Every time Oliver Stone is about to make a movie, he should stop and ask himself 1) Would this movie be better if Aaron Sorkin made it and 2) What if I just played Call of Duty instead?

90 min: I don't know how money does it-- I am exhausted!

98 min: Apparently, Carrie has 100 million in a Swiss bank that Shia didn't know about. Gordon wants him to have her sign the account over to Shia so Gordon can launder the money into the States for them. What do you think, is it a good idea, Mr. Peepers?:



105 min: As a character in a better movie said: "You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is, 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia.'" Instead of laundering the money and giving it to the fusion company like Shia expected, Gordon takes the money and runs, like everyone watching expected. Shia tells Carrie what happened and that he was hanging out with Gordon behind her back and lied to her so she kicks him out. Gordon starts a new investment firm in London. The most frustrating part is that I can't seem to find any sharp objects in this room to stab my eyes out with.

109 min: Easily the worst line I've heard in a long time. "Right now it is ugly times ugly-- and that's when the ugly get going." Yowzah. Who let Sling Blade edit the script? That line reads like the world's least creative madlib.

113: "See that's what you never got kid. It's not about the money, it's about the game. By which I mean the movie The Game, a vastly superior film to this movie, which makes G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra look like a work of cinematic brilliance."

118 min: Shia writes a story about how Josh Brolin and his firm did bad stuff-- honestly, I don't need to be more specific. Josh Brolin gets in trouble, but doesn't care, because he's starring in the remake of True Grit.



125 min: <---- THAT'S ONE-HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE: Gordon displays a moment of humanity and gives 100 million to the fusion company to make amends with Shia and Carrie. He wants to be a part of her life someday since she's having a baby (you can sell American babies for good money). Shia and Carrie get back together. Roll Credits. Fuck my life.

Sadly, no matter how many jokes I make about this movie, Life still has better comedic timing. Right after I finished watching, I flipped back to regular cable and saw this commercial, "What do you buy the guy who has everything? Wall Street II: Deluxe Edition. The Ultimate Gift." I imagine that if I bought Wall Street 2 for "The man who has everything," that man would open it and say, "The reason I have EVERYTHING ELSE and not Wall Street 2 is that it's fucking Wall Street 2. I'd have everything if I wanted it.

Wall Street 3: Money Spaces Out For a While,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repealed - The Implementation in Three Phases

The restrictive military policy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” was officially repealed this morning. We are told, however, that the change will not be immediate and may take up to several months to implement. In fact, the Pentagon has an 87-page implementation plan for over the next few weeks. I assume the plan is as follows:

Phase 1: Don’t Ask, Just Hint

A classic example of policy lagging behind practice, this step eliminates the legal grey area. While you still can’t ask someone if they are a homosexual or not, you are now legally allowed to hint that you might be. For example, men: Try saying things like, “You smell great today!” or, “You make beige look fashionable.” Maybe listen to Miley Cyrus or Taylor Swift so that others can hear. You are also now free to tell another man that, “You have a pretty face,” memorize and perform a Justin Bieber dance in the shower, or say you, “Feel so bad for Britney,” as long as you laugh mightily afterward. As phase one progresses, after giving another soldier a congratulatory ass-slap, feel free to throw in a wink.

For the female enlistees, we recommend the same type of hinting. Tell another female that you really like her military haircut or let it be known that you had that haircut long before you enlisted. Start listening to The Cranberries whenever possible. Say things like, “I’m no military scientist, but I’ve always enjoyed experimenting,” or simply, “I think guns are awesome, but I also love the WNBA.” (Note: While it might seem counterintuitive, gay men should not use this line; loving the WNBA does not mean you’re gay, it means you’re a middle-aged white man).



Phase 2: Keep Hinting, Vaguely Inquire

The most crucial of the phases, it is imperative that while you keep hinting and begin to express curiosity in others, you do not simply put someone on the spot regarding their sexuality. Now, we understand that our military has its well-established culture that is proven to create bonding in the ranks, so we are by no means asking that you stop casually throwing around hateful slang like, “fag, dyke, or queer.” We’re simply saying that you should not add, “Are you a,” before them quite yet.

If you feel the need to ask if someone is a homosexual, ask peripheral questions instead, such as, “Hey, did you guys get the latest issue of Details?”, “Anyone want to go watch Charlie St. Cloud with that charming Zac Efron with me?” or, “How great is Dr. Phil?” While it might seem subtle, asking, “Would you have sex with Penelope Cruz even though you’re a female? Like for reals??” is still not allowed during Phase 2.

While these vague inquiries are now acceptable, we would continue to urge our gay military men and women to simply use their built in Gay-dar. For you heterosexual personnel, a military grade Gay-dar app is now available for your smartphones—OR, simply look around for someone playing “Angry Birds.” While the aforementioned strategies of deduction are now legal, we continue to urge subtlety. Remember: sometimes you don’t need to ask, you can just tell.



Phase 3: Fine-- Ask, Go ahead and Tell

As this phase begins, you will officially and legally be allowed to ask about another soldier’s sexuality and be open about your own. No more forced lying or secret-keeping and no more restrictive legal reprimands when it comes to your sexual orientation. So, go ahead, tell other people that you’re gay if that’s what you want to do. And hell, fine, ask someone about their sexual orientation if you must. As long as you fine men and women of our military continue to serve America and make us proud, we legally no longer care if you are heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual (at least until a heavily Republican Congress votes to pass a new bill). God Bless America.



Witz

Witz Flix: Charlie St. Cloud

I know I promised Sex and the City 2 next, but the Netflix gods have delivered me Charlie St. Cloud and I'm considering that a holiday miracle. All I know about Charlie St. Cloud is that it's based on a book, it stars the charming and phonetically spelled Zac Efron, and it's about a boy who's brother dies, but the dead brother is really selfish about it. Let's jump in:

If you don't understand I'm going to spoil the plot twists for you, then you haven't been paying attention:

1 min: Oh boy. If you heart sailing and brotherly love, you're gonna shit yourself at this opening scene. Charlie and his younger brother, Sam, are in a sailboat race. The two sail to victory, fueled only by the wind, the sails, and the shine in Zac Efron's eyes.


("A schooner IS a sailboat!")

3 min: I don't see why he feels the need to abbreviate. Charlie Street Cloud is a great name.

5 min: Charlie's supposed to go to Stanford, but he's considering taking a year to earn some money for his family first. Ugh. I can't believe this is going to be ANOTHER movie about poor people who love sailing and go to Stanford. "You got in for fall, you go in the fall. You can't put life on hold, Charlie," his single-mom, Kim Bassinger, says. Meanwhile, the word "defer" sulks in the corner.

6 min: Cut to Charlie's high school graduation. Apparently, he's kind of a big deal. Wait, does this make Zac Efron 17 Again, AGAIN?

8 min: Charlie promises to spend 1 hour every day before he leaves for Stanford teaching Sam how to play baseball better. His mom rushes off for an extra night shift as an RN. Zac Efron sneaks out of the house. These are like the ABC's of how to make sure your sibling dies unexpectedly.

12 min: Sam catches Charlie leaving and asks him to get dropped off at a friend's house to finish watching the Sox game. They are waiting to make a left when the car behind them smashes into the bumper, sending them twisting forward. A truck coming from the other direction then lays on the horn. When simply honking for a long time doesn't work, the truck slams into the passenger side of the car. It was kinda like this:



13 min: Ray Liotta manages to zap Charlie back to life, but Sam's dead, which sucks for Charlie and his mom, but is huge for the movie having a major turning point.

15 min: Charlie thinks he sees Sam at the funeral and refuses to throw the baseball glove into the grave. He runs off into the woods where he sees his brother again. They talk and agree to meet every day to practice like Charlie promised. Man, the sequel to Ghost Dad is DARK.

17 min: "5 Years Later." Sam's headstone reads, "Taken too young. Alive in our hearts forever." So...he's got that goin' for him...

19 min: Oh, please. Charlie works maintenance at the cemetery which is like letting Barry Bonds work at a pharmacy.

24 min: I don't know how else to put this: Charlie sees dead people. And then he talks to them.

26 min: Charlie heads off into the woods and has a catch with Sam's Ghost, which is all well and crazy except I want to see how it's happening in real life. Is he chucking the ball and then walking over to get it? Does he have a sack of balls that he's just throwing into the bushes? This is like a really low-budget Field of Dreams.


("His name is Sam and I love him very much...")

29 min: Charlie runs into Ray Liotta again, the paramedic who saved his life.

Ray: Wanna grab a cup of coffee? Catch up?
Charlie: Oh, I can't man, I gotta go back to work...
(read: "Oh, I can't man, that's creepy as shit.")

The two go to get coffee:

Charlie: You're sick.
Ray: Yeah...I got the Big C...

Seems like a weird time to brag about your penis size, but-- OHHHHHHH! THAT C. Well, that's just much worse, isn't it?

32 min:
Ray: God gave you a second chance. God doesn't just show off-- there has to be a reason. Don't squander this gift you've been given!

WAIT, second chance-- does that mean that Zac Efron was 17 Again, Again, AGAIN!? And since when doesn't God show off? What about Mt. Everest, and Double Rainbows, and Salma Hayek?



36 min: There's exactly one black guy in this movie, and he's a rich douchebag. "Hey, didn't you used to be Charlie St. Cloud?" He mocks, and then, when Charlie won't take a shot of something he says, "Relax. It's not like you're in high demand as a designated driver." Charlie punches him in the face, which is finally a victory for poor white kids over rich black kids everywhere...

38 min: Charlie goes down to the boats and sees The Girl, Tess. Apparently, his reason for getting a second chance at life is to hookup with the girl from Sex Drive. Wait, you guys didn't see Sex Drive? Seth Green's finest role. Anyway, The Girl is going on a race around the world.



44 min: Seriously, though, why does Zac Efron spell his name like a vanity license plate? Zack Ephron or Zak Effron-- those are the choices.

52 min:
Charlie: According to Sammy, our father played for the Red Sox.
Tess: Did he?
Charlie: No! He tried out for the triple A team in Pawtucket. That's the last we saw of him...

And that man's name was Wade Boggs.



55 min: Charlie has Tess over for dinner and just goes for it, kissing her up against the wall. She says she can't because she's leaving soon for her big around the world race and leaves. Then, she knocks on the door and says, "Come find me!" and runs off into the graveyard, you know, like people do. He finds her and they bang in the cemetary?? This whole movie would be way cooler if they had gotten Trent Reznor do the soundtrack.

62 min:
Charlie: The more I'm in your world, the less I can be in his.
Tess: Charlie, at some point, we all have to let go.

Sam's Ghost has to be the cock-blocking-est ghost of all time. Although, I could totally see Casper always showing up at the worst possible time and being all, "Hey, what are you guys up to?" There's a line between "friendly" and "highly intrusive."




66 min: Whaaaat? Check this potentially illogical twist out: Tess's boat went missing three days ago, so alllll the time she's spent with Charlie has been as a ghost. Which raises numerous questions, the most important of which being, "Who or what did Charlie St. Cloud bone in the graveyard???"



68 min: "Why are you the only one who can see me, Charlie?" The only way to answer that is, "Have you seen The Sixth Sense? I'm like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense." Oh, shit! Spoiler Alert! Does anyone NOT know about the ending to The Sixth Sense at this point? If you don't, I'd also like to let you know that Kevin Spacey IS Keyser Söze!

70 min: Why wasn't Zac Efron Spiderman? He's like Tobey Maguire, if Tobey Maguire had charisma, a personality, and a body that could process gluten. I know Zac was in all the High School Musical movies, but he was also in an episode of Firefly, so he deserves SOME cool credit.

80 min: Charlie goes to search for Tess and her sailboat and isn't able to meet Sam in the woods. Sam waits for him and then walks away from the clearing and disappears into the light. Ease his pain, Charlie.

82 min: They find Tess's boat. Charlie dives into the water to find her. He almost drowns, whacks his head on a rock, and then stumbles onto a small rock cropping where he finds her body. He opens her clothes and moves against her. It's probably to provide warmth ala Ben Affleck and that old guy in The Voyage of the Mimi, but after that whole graveyard ghost-sex fiasco, it's a bit awkward:

Charlie: (taking off her clothes) Five minute rule!
Coast Guard: Sir, she's been dead for seventy-two hours.
Charlie: Alright, fine then, SEVENTY-TWO HOUR rule.



89 min: Tess survives, Charlie survives, and Charlie buys a boat to sail around the world, but the movie still ends like an advertisement for suicide:

Charlie: Sorry I had to break our deal.
Sam: It was time. I mean, it's beyond anything we ever imagined, Charlie!
Charlie: I hurt as bad as the day you died.
Sam: You hurt because you're alive.

"Suicide: Way Better."

93 min: And Roll Credits; on the movie, on your life, whatever. If we learned one thing here today, it's not that we must make the most of the time we have on this planet, it's that if you're very good-looking, you can be batshit crazy and not only will girls not care, but you'll get to bang ghosts, too.

Weirdest High School Musical Yet,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Catching Up

Has it been a month already?? Whew! Time flies when you have crippling writer's block. Here's a rundown of what's gone on since I last posted:

Thanksgiving:
We kept things simple this year-- my parents, my sister, and my grandma. It was much like any other family meal only this time, it was as if my mom asked, "Hey, for dinner tonight, I was thinking we could have 14 different things, how do you feel about that?"

"Can we all feel like we're gonna die afterward?"
"You bet."
"Well, then that sounds great. What's for dessert?"
"I was thinking pumpkin pie. And cheesecake."
"That sounds reasonable."
"Also, I was thinking we could have the same foods for the next five meals..."
"...I like it-- it's what I imagine homeless people would do if they finally got wealthy."

We then went and did exactly what the Pilgrims did after the first Thanksgiving-- we watched Avatar. That movie might be exactly like Ferngully and tell the most obvious, redundant lesson of all time, but I didn't get bored and the graphics WERE stunning. I could have done without the gross, maggot looking tail hook-up to achieve, ahem, "connection" with nature, but whatever. Oh, and I know I'm way behind on this one, but "unobtainium?" Shut your silly, CGI face. James Cameron definitely forgot to go back and "Find/Replace." Still, the best part was after watching the movie for three hours, we asked my Grandma what she thought. "Oh, I realllly liked it! Why was it called Avatar, though?"



So, what did I learn this Thanksgiving? That apparently, I'm the guy who, after eating a huge Thanksgiving meal at 4pm, looks around at 11pm and says, "I need dinner."


Black Friday:
My mom teaches English in an allegedly reputable middle school. Her student:

"Why do they call it 'Black Friday?' Shouldn't they call it 'African-American Friday?'"

It wasn't a joke. This is why we're all gonna die. As for myself, I spent African-American Friday doing a little shopping-- not so much because I needed anything, but because I like to remember how horrific humanity can be. "Now that we're all well fed from Thanksgiving, let's go trample each other so we can get a red Wii and fake bowl."




I hit up Best Buy because, "I can get things I ordinarily wouldn't have spent ANY money on for 45% off!!" and then went to Old Navy. With all the options out there and with limited time to shop, going to Old Navy on Black Friday really makes you stop and take a good look at yourself. Their pants are ordinarily, like, 30 bucks. Their shirts are maybe 20 bucks, and everything else tends to clock in around 10. I'm not saying it's shitty stuff, and I own more Old Navy than I'd like to divulge, but it's kind of like shopping The Salvation Army on yellow tag day. As I stood there, staring at the extremely long line, holding a 3 dollar ringer-tee (marked down from 6!) and a pair of 2 dollar boxers (marked down from 4!!), it suddenly struck me that I must have something more important to do. I put down the clothes and walked out to my car. I hopped in, started the engine, pulled out with purpose, took a deep breath of crisp New England air, and that's when it struck me: I had absolutely nothing more important to do. So, I went to Kohl's. Don't judge me.




Chanukkah:
I might not go to synogogue, I haven't been to a Passover seder in at least five years, and it may have felt weird and uncomfortable to wear a yarmulke* at my friend's wedding recently, but I spell "Chanukkah" with a "C" and two "K's" so BACK OFF, I'M JEWISH. I had told my girlfriend that for Chanukkah, we usually got seven crappy gifts and then one good gift on the last night, so, when we celebrated on the second night, she gave me a stick of Burt's Bees lip balm and a bar of chocolate. "Because you said you get crappy gifts for Chanukkah!" she explained sheepishly. The next day my sister IMed me: "For Chanukkah last night, Mom gave me a bag of chocolates and some chapstick." Amazing. Somebody owes somebody a coke.



Ironically, while the oil may have lasted eight days longer than those old men originally anticipated, our box of Chanukkah candles ran out with two days left.

*(A "ya-ma-ka" for those of you who immediately thought, "What the shit is a Yar-mul-kle!?")




Quotes-- I couldn't rob you of these gems:

"Here's a good call from Netflix: based on my interest in 30 Rock and The Office, they suggest....Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State. Second time they've suggested it. It goes: SNL, South Park, Auschwitz, Reno 911." -My Sister

...

"And to put that in perspective of how retarded I was at that age, that was the same time period when I read The Giver and it changed my fucking world. I remember being up at midnight, and I walked into my parents' bedroom and I said, 'Mom. I need to change my Life!!'...And then she asked if I wanted to play video games and I said yes, of course I did. I had the chance to make something of myself, and instead, I played the Blade Runner computer game. It was four discs and I never even got out of the apartment. Ya know what the worst part is? I hadn't even seen the movie! So, I had absolutely no context for this game!" -The Brilliant A.T.


All I Want For Christmas Is My Ability to Write Back...or Gran Turismo 5,
Witz

Witz Flix: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I haven't seen the new(ish) live action G.I. Joe movie because everyone I know who saw it said it was terrible. Turns out, everyone I DON'T know who saw it also said it was terrible. It got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a hearty 3% WORSE than Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Netflix believes I will give it 1.4 stars. That sounds like a challenge. "Yo Joe..."

1 min: Take a minute and guess any number of ways the G.I. Joe movie starts...I don't think any of us saw, "France - 1641" coming.

2 min: This dude of the Clan McCullen tried to kill the King of France or something, which didn't go well, and now they're putting a red hot metal Iron Man looking mask onto his face. It's kind of like in the movie The Mask, but he's a bit less excited about it and instead of super powers, he gets the worst pain he's ever felt in his entire life. Side note: This is bafflingly not what the Leonardo DiCaprio movie, "Man in the Iron Mask" was about.



3 min: "In the not too distant future..." C'mon movie, go out on a limb and tell me when this thing is taking place. It's not like 2011 is gonna happen and I'm going to say, "That movie was totally wrong about when The Rise of Cobra happens!"

4 min: Just when you thought bed bugs were a problem, some Scottish guy invents Nanomites-- they're tiny metal bugs that eat everything from cancer cells to metal and buildings. Anyway, they're being loaded into warheads and shipped to NATO. If they're anything like my mail, they won't ever arrive. (I'm actually pretty sure that my super elderly landlord has been taking some of my mail either by accident or for his own entertainment. Two floors above me, an eighty-five year old Italian man is wearing a Tim Riggins t-shirt, reading a postcard from my girlfriend, and watching I Love You, Beth Cooper.)

5 min: Marlon Wayans! Just when you thought he couldn't make a better movie than Little Man, he's back in action alongside Channing Tatum. They're in charge of moving the weapons.

8 min: The convoy is attacked by some "Never Before Seen" aircraft, but it looks a whole lot like the ship from that game Descent (remember Descent?). It's killin' everyone, but Tatum (character is Duke) and Wayans (Ripcord) are evading it so far. Just imagine you're playing Halo. It's like that.

10 min: "OoOOoo, it's a laaady..." and a bunch of foot soldiery lookin' dudes.



13 min: The lady is Sienna Miller, Channing and her seem to have dated, a mysterious military unit shows up, and together they fight off the bad guys and retain the weapon. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'm supposed to be excited because I recognize the different G.I. Joe characters from my youth, but unless one of them is "Guy Who's Legs Spin Around Because the Rubber Band is Busted" I'm afraid I don't remember.

14 min: I think it's important to note that Sienna has the same glasses that my dad had-- she can make them change from sunglasses to clear glass and back again.



16 min: Dennis Quaid (General Hawk) shows the two their super-sneaky-secret base in the desert, which is not entirely unlike the sandbox where mine sometimes existed. He explains the G.I. Joe unit: "When all else fails, we don't," which sounds like the slogan for an abortion clinic. Hawk continues, "We take all the best soldiers from all the best units in the world,"...and also hot chicks, apparently. It looks like the recruiting pool for Sterling Cooper secretaries in there.

17 min: Dennis Quaid says, "We need to find out all we can about her (referring to Sienna Miller who tried to steal the weapons). KNOWING is half the battle." Even he sounds pained delivering such an expected line. He then goes straight to The Wikipedia for answers.

19 min: The Scottish guy, McCullen, who invented the weapon is also the one trying to steal the weapon. In unrelated news, the Republicans took back the House of Representatives recently because people were upset about the bad economy...

22 min: A scientist guy who may or may not be Keanu Reeves invented Neo-Vipers, which are humans turned into military drones who feel no fear, pain, or moral issues. "The real world application for them is endless," Maybe Keanu says. Finally, someone we can pay less than illegal immigrants to do the horrific jobs nobody wants to do...Also, now that he's injured, I give Michael Vick two weeks before he has Neo-Vipers fighting each other in his backyard.

27 min: 4 Years Ago, Duke proposed to Sienna and she said yes. AND JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT WAS THERE??? 3rd Rock From the Sun is Sienna's brother, apparently.

30 min: Training montage in their new Joe suits, which make you, "Run faster, jump higher, and hit harder." Oh, I see. I didn't realize G.I. Joe were big cheaters. Bud Selig's gonna allow it.

31 min: HAHAHA, Brendan Fraser just showed up! This is certainly a Blast From the Past!

39 min: Sienna et al break in and grab the warhead. A big fight ensues, but everybody survives-- sorry, I mean, everybody important survives-- a shiiiit ton of soldiers we don't know got totally effed up in the process.

41 min: Aaaand we're flashing back 20 years to when Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes met. They were kids and Snake Eyes was poor and stole some food. Storm Shadow caught him and the two fought until Storm Shadow's dad broke it up and they eventually took Snake Eyes in. That reminds me: Did ANYONE see the new Karate Kid movie??



46 min: So the Scottish guy still has the iron mask from his distant relative and is going to unleash one of the warheads on Paris because he hasn't forgotten what the french did to his great-great-great-great-whatever. It's a bit much.

51 min: Apparently, Channing Tatum's dreams are vivid expository narratives from his past, so we now know that Sienna's brother, the kid with the abnormally long neck from Inception, was blown up in East Africa during a military mission involving Channing and Marlon. But I'm pretty sure he wasn't killed and is actually the evil scientist working for McCullen who looks like Keanu Reeves...

54 min: Sienna and Storm Shadow bring the warheads to a lab in Paris where they have them "weaponized"-- which apparently means having them spin around while a laser shoots at them for a while-- good to know this movie is following the same scientific accuracy as Human Centipede. Just as they're leaving, the Joe team shows up.

55 min: HAHAHA, "Snake Eyes, catch that hummer!" someone shouts and Snake Eyes hops out of the van and starts running robotically after a speeding vehicle. It's hilarious because of how he looks running after the vehicle, and because the phrase, "I'm gonna go catch a hummer," needs to be a thing.

65 min: A ten minute chase just ensued without any characters being killed. The warhead blew up the Eiffel Tower and released the Nanomites, but Duke hit the disarm button that Sienna had and stopped the city from being destroyed. I'm not entirely convinced this movie respects my time.

66 min: Duke got taken, the rest got arrested. They're all, "We're the good guys," which is true, but to be fair, I'm pretty sure they broke a few laws along the way.

78 min: The team is set free and goes to rescue Duke and get the warheads. McCullen is going to transform Duke into one of those Neo-Vipers and Sienna's not entirely sure how she feels about it. And to think that I used to believe only TNT knew drama...

82 min: And boom goes the dynamite: the creepy scientist IS Joseph Gordon Levitt, Sienna Miller's brother. The Joe's are oscar mike to rescue Duke and stop the missiles from being launched. As they arrive the missiles are launched and Ripcord goes off in some plane he found to try and stop them. I know this is boring and unfunny, but I wanted to give you a little window into what I'm dealing with.


(JGL, 3rd Rock From the Sun glory)

87 min: Sienna Miller saves Duke and is then "shut down" by her brother who put Nano-mites in her dome piece. I'd like to hear Kanye West rap about Nanomite technology. McCullen runs in and Duke pulls a gun on him. The scientist holds the iPad looking device with the destruct button on it for Sienna's brain. It's a standoff.

89 min: The Joe's and the army are assaulting the base. I just noticed that Snake Eyes's armor has pecs and abs, which seems both entirely unnecessary and absolutely the way to go. I'd tell the G.I. Joe Tailor, "I for sure want the abs and pecs..aand while you're at it, let's throw in a Greg Oden cock in the pant armor, thanks." The outline of a huge penis chiseled into your armor would definitely throw your enemy off a split second long enough to have the advantage.



92 min: Duke shoots McCullen as McCullen shoots at him, which somehow sets McCullen on fire. The scientist goes flying from the blast and drops the controls to Sienna's brain. Duke grabs it and bafflingly knows exactly what to push to deactivate her little techno-coma. He then checks in on foursquare.

94 min: McCullen and the scientist escape in a sporty little submarine and Duke and Sienna follow them in one of their own. They are being chased and as they all zoom through underwater tunnels firing at each other, I realize that this whole scene is totally ripping off the Body Wars ride at Epcot.

96 min: Snake Eyes and Snow Shadow are locked in an epic battle-- and by "epic" I mean, "time consuming." (99 min: Snakes Eyes finally kills Snow Shadow...no big whoop.)

97 min: Ok, so Ripcord shot down the first missile in his plane, which it turns out used the command code "fire" in CELTIC, which the smart Joe girl figured out and told him over the radio. NOW, he goes to fire at the second missile and says the word again no problem. There's a lot of unrealistic shit in this movie, but this is the most unrealistic of all. There is zippy chance Ripcord remembered the "fire" command in celtic while zooming at hundreds of miles an hour chasing a missile from Eastern Europe to Washington DC.

100 min: Hehe, McCullen angrily says, "Kill them all! Detonate THE ICE PACK!" which if you aren't paying attention sounds alright, but if you realize he just said "ice pack" it's pretty funny. Everyone's screaming, "Look out for the ICE PACK!" The Joe's are all like, "Pull back! The ICE PACK IS BLOWN!" I'd be screaming, "Don't get the goopy chemical gel on you! I've pulled lots of muscles, but I'm still unclear on whether or not that's bad!!"



104 min: Wow, that's a whole lotta CGI sinking into the ocean. I've also really wanted to make a, "More like C.G.I. Joe!" joke this whole time, but I also read that same quip in a review halfway through watching this so I feel unoriginal.

106 min: What the scientist guy has in technological brilliance, he totally lacks in nicknaming ability. He injects McCullen with Nanomites which turn his face into an iron mask instead of burned flesh. "James McCullen is no more. You are DESTRO!" he declares. He then puts on his own mask and says, "And you can call me COMMANDER!" Destro and Commander? They sound like strippers at a gay club in Pittsburgh.



107 min: The two villains are surrounded by Duke and the Joe army and are arrested. "This is just the beginning," Cobra Commander declares, to which Duke replies, "I'll be waiting for you." Seriously?? Three strikes in California and you're going to jail for drug posession, but Cobra Commander and The Guy Who Tried To Kill EVERYONE might make parole???

109 min: Ohhhh shit! The disguise guy is The President! Wait, did I mention disguise guy? My bad. So, there's this bad guy who's really into disguises. Like, he had a laser shoot him in the face and reconfigure his face cells to look like someone else. If someone asked, "So what are you into?" I imagine he'd reply, "I'm pretty into disguises." Anyway, at the end of the movie, he's the President, which would have been a GREAT TWIST, except it was really obvious the whole way through that he would end up being The President...oh-- of the United States, not like...of Walmart or Boston College or something. Which I suppose YOU didn't see/read coming, sooo.....TWIST!

110 min: And roll credits. Another successful children's toy brought to the big screen...gah. I'm a little offended Netflix OVERestimated my 1.4 star rating. Regardless, WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE A LEGOS MOVIE?? And why did they call this movie "The Rise of Cobra?" At best it's "The Rise and Fall of Cobra," or just, "G.I. Joe: Well, Now There's A Group Known As Cobra..." I don't get it. BUT DON'T WORRY, there's a sequel in the works. How bad does a movie have to be to NOT get a sequel? I'll explore that question and more when I watch "Sex and the City 2" for you all next week.

Say It Ain't So, Joe,
Witz