Witz Pickz: Favorite Way To Spend A Rainy Day & More!

Filling out an application for the upcoming KZSU Radio Quarter, I came across the question: What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day. That got me thinking, and then it got me writing, and then it got me sad...and then happy...and then confused...and then I vomited (unrelated(?)). Anyway, I thought it was a good question, so here's my answer. What's yours?

What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day? Asking "What's your favorite way to spend a rainy day?" is like asking, "When you're on the moon, what's your favorite sipping brandy?" I'm never gonna be on the moon, and it never freakin' rains in California! Coming down here from Seattle, I need me a little bit of cloud cover occasionally. A drizzle, perhaps-- rain would be a baby miracle. And I've heard that "it rains after Halloween," or whatever, but I mean RAIN-- not God's Piss Shiver, but RAIN. The kind that lets you lie inside all day in your boxers watching Hitch and eating Soft Batch cookies like Trail Mix, because there's no chance anyone is coming over to see you and there's no chance you're leaving the apartment. So yeah, what's my favorite way to spend a rainy day? Apparently slovenly, for one. Watching the superbly non-threatening Will Smith for two. And if I'm lucky, with some tasty baked goods and-- if the fates are with me-- with those Claussen Pickle Halves that only come in the refrigerator section and cost like five dollars a jar, but are toooootally worth it (you know what I'm talkin' bout). That is, if it every rained here. I might as well be shopping for sipping brandies.

Undeclared: Judd Apatow created and wrote Freaks & Geeks along with The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and yes, Heavyweights. He's produced a ridiculous amount of funny stuff including Superbad and now you know who he and Seth Rogen (star of Knocked Up) are. SO, it is totally worth going back and getting the three DVD set of the single season critically loved tv show Undeclared. Undeclared is essentially Freaks and Geeks set in college, only everyone's a little more well adjusted. It's very well done and hits a bunch of key points and subtleties that we probably all experienced in college. When I first saw the show, I was in it for Jason Segul (of Freaks and Geeks, Slackers and now How I Met Your Mother), and the cameos. It was kinda funny. But going back now and watching, once I already know that Seth Rogen is funny, the show is suddenly way funnier. Rogen (wrote Superbad and was one of the cops in it), wrote and acted in the series, and his rants, along with the unaired footage of his rants, are incredible. It makes the other characters more funny too somehow, and some hilarious cameos by Will Farrell and Adam Sandler (as well as Ben Stiller) are great. There is one problem with the DVD Set, however, and that is that it appears as if it was assembled by a group of semi-retarded youth street urchins/orphans. The episodes are out of order...several simply don't exist...and one is on two separate DVD's. Somehow this isn't mentioned on Amazon, but Netflix clearly states which epsiodes are on each disc and I have seen all three discs and yeah-- they ain't right. It's easily the biggest eff-up I've ever seen in professional sales, but it works out because the episodes that are there and mildly (ok, no, agregiously) out of order, are still funny. Check it out.

Instead of posting a third thing here and then posting tomorrow, I'm gonna go ahead and save some ideas up-- it's like I'm maturing in my craft and you all have to suffer for it. Remember, all life is suffering, except for when you're watching Entourage, eating fine cheeses, or WATCHING SURVIVOR 15 AND READING ABOUT IT IN WITZ'S TVFODDER.COM BLOG!, and shameless plugs.

If I Ever Go Bald, I Will Not Get Shameless Plugs,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The Red Sox Winning The Division-- A Red Sox Column

Alright, alright, I know that this isn't a Red Sox blog and that a lot of you probably don't care about baseball or the Red Sox-- and you might even like other MLB teams and hate the Red Sox. And I almost felt bad about writing a Red Sox post today...and then I realized...IT'S MY BLOG. I haven't written a sports or Red Sox post yet on this puppy and today I start because:

Today is most important game of the 2007 Red Sox season. They face the Devil Rays who I don't suspect ever thought they would be included in any important games ever. They are named after an animal that has only one recorded kill ever-- The Crocodile Hunter. High profile, but not particularly threatening. I mean, look at the other teams-- The Yankees...killed thousands upon thousands of southerners in the Civil War, not to mention the American Revolution. The Braves-- while unfortunate, Native Americans probably killed more people than sea creatures of the stingray variety. Even the Blue Jays, Cardinals, and Orioles probably account for more bird-watching related deaths than devil-ray attacks. I know for certain that the Milwaukee Brewer's cause more drunk driving and alcohol related deaths each year. But what about the Red Sox, right? I mean, Sox? I will answer you two-fold. Firstly, the Sox were short for Stockings which also aren't threatening. But do you know how the "cks" became an "x"? When the Red Stockings players formed a makeshift militia and fought crime in the streets of the cities they played in. Their socks ran red with the blood of the damned, and they would mark the victims with an X-- like at Passover. ALSO, the original name for the Red Sox was the Boston Americans. And who has killed more people over the years than Americans? The Germans-- you are correct. But we're supposed tobe giving Germany a break these days, so let's just leave it at "The Americans have killed a lotta people and are more imposing than the Devil Rays." SO, to reiterate, nobody thought the Devil Rays would ever play in an important game ever.

And yet here they are. For those of you not in the know, the Boston Red Sox haven't won a division title in 12 years-- or at least, The New York Yankees have not LOST a division title in 12 years. Every damn year they win it. This season, the Red Sox have been in first place since April. They still hold a 1.5 game lead in the AL East, but the Yankees have started playing like robot baseball gods, and are shockingly (unless you've ever followed baseball, in which case, NOT shockingly), only 1.5 back from the lead. The Red Sox have played some of the worst baseball ever. After a rest yesterday, they play the Tampa Bay Devil Rays after losing 2 out of 3 to the Yanks and getting swept by the Blue Jays (who are you scared of? The Blue Jays? The Devil Rays? Oakland? my Friend With A Pool asked me before the Yankees series. YES. ALL OF THEM. THIS IS THE RED SOX-- and it has been). SO DEAR GOD, LET THE RED SOX GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND WIN THE DIVISION.

There's no possible way for you to root against the Red Sox on this-- you can say you don't like the Sox, but in this scenario, your only alternative is the Yankees. If the Sox don't win it, the Yanks will, and that's like saying, "I hate that Winston Churchill so much, everyone thought he was all smart and charismatic, but he was just as power hungry as the rest of em. No, I much prefer Hitler." You can hate whoever you want, but rooting for the Yanks if you aren't a Yankees fan is like saying it's better to eat baby cows because they don't have to suffer more by growing up and getting slaughtered-- shit, I knew that would come back to haunt me.

But look, the Red Sox have Josh Beckett pitching tonight-- he's got 19 wins and has pitched far better than that. Problem is, they are going against Scott Kazmir, who is notorious for owning the Red Sox. Plus, Manny, Kevin Youkilis, and Coco Crisp are injured and Ortiz probably won't start. It's gonna have to be Mike Lowell, Jason Varitek, or The Weak-Kneed-Ill-Designed JD Drew who steps up and makes something happen. My money's on Jacoby Ellsbury-- the best minor league player (non-pitcher) I've seen the Sox have since Nomar. I'm actively trying to get my girlfriend to date him-- that's how much I like him. He's freakin super fast, can hit the ball to both sides, and as a bonus, is the first Navajo Native American to make the Majors. That instills faith in me somehow, though I've been told that is racist, but it's the good kind of racist-- I trust the Navajo-- their culture of spirituality and oppression instills a confidence in me. They are a plains people-- swift-footed and keen of sight. Evolution and cultural accoutrements still count. Plus, I got to say accountrements, and that's pretty sweet.

Despite the hardships, I believe the Red Sox WILL win the division. Up until ten minutes ago, I didn't. I knew they'd lose it. But you know what? Eff it. I'm going for it this time, and I think they can pull it off. I've used the "Lost All Hope" reverse voodoo juju too many times-- starting with "There's no way Jeff Frye is going to get a hit" right before his game winning single in some game way back when, all the way up to "Not a chance in hell Julio Lugo is gonna get a hit. This game is over" comeback a couple of weeks ago. For those who don't know, Julio Lugo is about 4 ft. 2 inches, with a look on his face when batting that says, "What's this guy gonna throw me? He's gonna trick me isn't he? I can't believe it-- he's gonna trick me! What's he gonna throw me!?" And yet he hit a home run in the 4-3 loss the the Jays the other night. Anything is possible, that is why sports are incredible and emotional, and worthwhile. Tonight, the Sox play the Devil Rays in the biggest game (but not the only one left) of the season. GO SOX.

Also, watch Friday Night Lights when it comes back on-- it's a great series if you like sports or teen drama at all and it starts back up October 5th. Apparently it's in danger of getting cancelled soon, so support it.

I feel better,
Witz

P.S. Here are some The Onion links involving baseball or the Yankees, which are amusing and cheered me up dramatically:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/fucking_yankees_reports_nation
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/left_bed_in_clemens
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/report_another_baseball
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/johnny_damon_probably
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/slight_breeze_shatters_ken
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54214
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/53979
http://www.theonion.com/content/from_print/jonathan_papelbons_95_mph

Witz Pickz: The Lost Room, Foam Soap, 3:10 to Yuma

Here are a few pickz for today, none of which make me sound cool:

The Lost Room: a mini-series from the Sci-Fi Channel, The Lost Room did quite well, but obviously lacked the mainstream success ratings to get picked up. The mini-series is complete on its own, but is open ended at the end so it COULD become a regular series if it was picked up. Starring Peter Krause from Six Feet Under and Juliana Margolis from ER Version One Decade One, The Lost Room explores a mystery revolving around a motel room which mysteriously disappeared in 1961. There are objects that have powers scattered around the world that once belonged in the missing room. "The Key" is the object the main character finds and it leads him into the missing room where he can go anywhere he wants from. It sounds kinda ridiculous and lame in explanation, but it was fantastically executed and definitely worth checking out the two dvd's at blockbuster (as long as you can handle the clerk). Plus, since watching it, I like to imagine that their USED TO BE another room in my apartment that somehow became "lost" and THAT'S why I'm paying the absurd amount of money for a tiny one-room (aka "two room minus one lost room") apartment where the "landlord" constantly yells at us for things and never fixes anything (aka "on campus"). You can see how effing nuts some people are about this show HERE.

Foam Soap: I know, I know, welcome to 2007 Witz, but have you tried this stuff? For so long I've avoided washing my hands because it was such a hassle to rub my hands together and create lather, but NOW-- well...NOW I try and wash my hands as often as possible just to feel that velvety softness of the foam soap. I'll bake something ONLY so that I can wash my hands beforehand. Sometimes I wash my hands after a meal, THEN PEE, and then have to wash my hands AGAIN. "Oops." Currently, the best part about foam soap, however, is that I can pretend it comes from The Lost Room and is some magical item I never have to refill-- this is because my girlfriend always buys it and restocks it, so I have no idea where to purchase foam soap, nor how long one bottle usually lasts! Speaking of which-- my hands are getting a little germy from these keys....

3:10 To Yuma: A remake of an older movie (see how that works), I didn't know what I expected going in and yet it definitely wasn't what I expected. It was, however, a really interesting movie, and I left the theater glad that I saw it. Since, I have been thinking about the film more and more, and it has already sparked actual conversation between myself and friends. Starring Christian Bale and Russell Crowe (in his best acting role in years), let me say that 3:10 to Yuma is NOT an action movie. It's an artsy western that explores themes of good/evil, self-respect, love, and morality-- and it's all very well done. Having said that, it's the best slow movie I've seen in years. The film is based on a short story by Elmore Leonard, which was surprising to me, because it felt more like a Cormac McCarthy style, but maybe that's what the director was going for. Regardless, only the ending disappointed me, but I'm not sure that it could have ended in a way that would be satisfying. The ending is in the rest of the film, and not necessary to the piece as a whole. Everything that needs to be taught or seen happens beforehand, and therefore is a letdown when something is shown. If The Sopranos hadn't pissed off millions of viewers, I think this one might have ended similarly, and, in this case, it would have worked. Check it out and let me know what you think. Also, read what this other guy named John thinks.

That's all for this fine Thursday, some funny, some info, and some ways to spend your money.

Please Please Please let the Red Sox Sweep The Devil Rays,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Compassionivore

An omnivore by species, I have always thoroughly enjoyed meat. Recently, I've occasionally replaced normal products for vegetarian or vegan products just because I wanted to, not because I stopped eating meat or animal products. I've been having some veggie sandwhiches instead of turkey, veggie burgers instead of hamburgers, soy milk instead of regular milk. It doesn't mean anything, it's just a fact. Recently, while out to dinner with a friend (with his business paying), I tried a new kind of meat: veal. IT WAS DELICIOUS! Granted, it was stuffed with mozzarella and ricotta cheese and topped with an amazing broth, but the meat was tendera and flavored and delicious. I felt, however, a little odd, and I felt a little odd because I like the fact that I eat about three and a half animals (chicken, turkey, cow, and very occasionally pork), and was not happy about adding DEER to the list. I'm not one of those people who is excited to try new meats like buffalo or rabbit or duck or armadillo, or goat. I like the big three and a half. So imagine my great joy and sense of freedom when I found out that VEAL is not VENISON as I'd been thinking in my head, but actually BABY COW!

"Oh, thank goodness! I thought I was eating deer, but this ended up just being baby cow!"
"Yeah, but it's a BABY COW!"
"So?"
"So it's like eating a baby."
"Not a real baby-- a cow baby."
"Still a baby."
"Nuh-uh. A real baby watches The Doodlebops and sleeps spread eagle in her parent's lap."
"Oh, you think you're all hot to trot on baby knowledge just because your friends had their baby, Tova."
"Maybe."
"So what is this really, like a shout out to Tova?"
"Kind of, I guess...whaddup Tova?"
"And how could they name their baby Tova in a post-Jay Z world anyway??"
"They didn't know about Hova."
"They didn't KNOW about H to the Izzo?"
"I guess not-- the lyrics were beyond them. The word puzzle was too much."
"Or maybe they just spend more time working and less time listening to pop radio and shopping than you do."
"Who are you anyway? Who is this other person/voice? In the words of truth.com, whadafxup?"
"Fine. Be that way-- ((ahem)) a baby cow would too watch the Doodlebops if given the chance."
"That's more like it-- ((ahem)) No it wouldn't. That's not their way. They would only be bored and have the days drag on and on until we finally--"

AHA! And there it is. Baby cows only do one thing-- grow up to be regular cows. And REGULAR cows are packed side by side into stalls and warehouses waiting to be slaughtered. And then they DO get slaughtered. SO WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THAT?? AND HOW LONG do they actually grow up for anyway? I realized that by eating baby cows, I am doing the cow a favor. I am saving them a life of horrors even though they don't know it yet. I am being compassionate. Which is why I have figured out a NEW form of consumer-- a Compassionivore. A compassionivore eats only baby animals and other vegetarian products. The problem is, I can't think of other baby animals that we eat. Do we eat baby chickens? Baby pigs? Baby Ahi Ahi Tuna? Not that I know of. Which makes it weird that we eat baby cows (but less weird since I know how delicious they are). So maybe compassionivores need to step up and start eating more young. Break into the chicken farmery and eat all the baby chickens. Break into the turkey hut and eat some young lithe turkeys. Eat a fawn, shit, I dunno. I guess technically this means baby seal meat is back on the table, but maybe it'd make more sense to club and eat the baby seal HUNTERS since their lives are probably wracked with misery and guilt (and probably some emotional disconnect from the world or at least baby seals...which is just as bad). Compassionivore's rise up and momentarily be a fad, the time is now.

Wi to the tizzle, Z to the comma
Witz

Witz Pickz: Worst Blockbuster Clerk EVER!

I've been around long enough to learn the accepted norms of clerk/customer interaction. I've bought my food, rented my movies, ordered my BK and Burgermaster, accepted my airline peanuts, checked my savings balance, paid the pizza delivery guy, and awkwardly stood by while some guy pumped gas into my car (you are a confusing beast, Oregon gas pumping laws). And all of the interactions, while different, generally followed the same procedure-- me being treated like a customer, and the clerk acting like a clerk-- even if they weren't happy about it.

So you can imagine all the cultural and social learning I had to get past to figure out what the hell was going on at Blockbuster the other night. I was waiting in line like normal to rent my last The Lost Room dvd (to be picked soon), while the clerk helped a woman get a new blockbuster account. The line grew and grew while we waited, and another clerk came over to help. The first one took a look at the line and then said, "Nah, don't worry about it, I've got it," and turned his attention back to the woman filling out the application.

This should have been my first clue.

Slightly confused, I figured the woman must almost be done. So we all waited. And waited.

"I don't have a credit card right now," the woman said.
"Oh, that's alright, just show it next time, I'll just look at your driver's license now." says clerk.

This should have been my second clue. This man was not going by the book-- he was wingin' it. Freelancing, perhaps? I became wary as I wondered if this man was also some kind of bounty hunter, and by seeing a driver's license, he could track down and demand payment from anyone in the state...or beyond...it'd be surprising given his slim, one might say, awkwardly The Machinist looking thin, frame, but I guess it was possible. Do bounty hunters work day jobs until they get good enough? I guess I never thought about it before, but are there nearly enough bounties out these days for the hunters to all collect? And how many are half-vampire? The whole thing confuses me.

The guy finally finished up with the lady, she headed out, and the next woman in line was ready to go when-- The pointer finger came out. No words, just one finger held up to indicate "Wait." The clerk hops on the phone and sounds like he's talking to someone important. It goes on for a bit, but when he finally hangs up, he says, "Alright, then I'll swing by around 12 and I'll bring the xbox 360." And then he glanced at us like he was the fucking champ. And he might have been, but it was not the time or the place. I started getting my annoyed on, as I am wont to do in such situations, when he said it:

"Yeah, come on," he tells the girl who's been waiting-- like she's ruining his night. Like he didn't just make a personal phone call and tell another clerk not to help us. "Yeah, come on." This is when it hits me. The clerk has absolutely NO RESPECT for us customers. We are not there to give his company money. We are there to keep him from his night of BioShock or Halo 2 (to prep for Halo 3), or Gears of War. He has kids in Lansing, Michigan lined up to get their asses handed to them via Madden '08, Monster Storm, and Splinter Cell. We are just lame, one-directional entertainment fools who need to see their movies, television dvd's, or completely inexplicably even to me, purchase their "The Number 23", "Red Line", and "Ghost Rider" DVD's three for 20 dollars. He's the man and he has no respect for people like us.

The girl goes up to rent the DVD's and this is when The Clerk takes things to the next level.

"I don't have a card, but I have my ID and my parents have an account." Right. We know this method. For years, with your ID and family account, it has been possible to rent movies. Only-

"Your family's account doesn't have your name on it, so you can't use it without their permission." Blank looks all around.

"Oh. Really? I thought....I usually use it...."
"Are they here in the store?"
"No, but-- Ok, well, I'll just come back another time."
"Are your parents home?" None of us are quite sure what's going on, but we're getting uncomfortable. The girl is probably 16-18 years old and mildly attractive.
"Uhh, yeah..." The clerk picks up the phone.
"What's the number?"
"What?"
"Are they awake?"
"I dunno..." It's ten o' clock on a thursday.
"Well, what's the number, I can call them and ask for permission."
"Uh, that's ok. Thanks.
"It's not a problem, I mean, I can call them and just ask if it's ok..."

WHOAH BUDDY! DON'T BE A HERO! First of all, WHO DOES THAT?? The line is growing longer by the minute, he's already complicated the process for her, but now he wants to CALL UP HER PARENTS AND ASK IF IT'S OK?? They weren't even R rated movies, it was like Blades of Glory and Bridge To Tarabithia or something. BUT CALL HER PARENTS? It's ten o' clock on a thursday. I wouldn't even call some of my closest friends' houses at ten o' clock on a thursday, let alone some stranger to ask if their daughter, who clearly should be in bed so she can go to school the next day, can rent some movies. Plus, he came off a little flirtatious, which was odd under all the circumstances, but especially because of his former hating of us all. Which brings me to this:

Know your creepy level. Everybody has one. Maybe it's reallllly high and obvious or maybe it's reallllly low and subtle. But you have one. This guy was probably an 8.4 (out of 10). Most people probably fall around 3 or 4 (which means the scale maybe doesn't need to go to 10, and should be adjusted so the median number is the median creepy). Some people are sneaky creepy-- like you think they look all clean cut and nice and do good things, but then they are, like, the only one in the theater who laughs at the snuff film scene in "8mm" (and this is not only because they were the only ones in the theater to see 8mm, they probably got more obvious creepy points for that). This guy was not sneaky creepy-- he was regular creepy. The hair, the eyes, the brows, the body, the voice. Needless the say, the girl left pretty quickly.

"Whatever," he says, and The Clerk is back on his game. Now it's my turn.

"Hi," I say, setting down my The Lost Room Disc 2 DVD.
"Have you seen the first part of this?" he asks, without any context.
"I think so, I mean, I watched the first two parts on television, so I don't exactly know where disc 1 cuts off, but I think so..." I look up and realize that he's been staring blankly at me for about 90% of my sentence.
"Most people just don't know there's a first disc. So, we make sure they do know, which you seem to know, even if you haven't gotten it." Maybe there are cameras watching, recording him and listening to see if he breaks policy, but it was still really awkward to hear. I think about pointing out that in the future he might want to ask if I know that it is a two DVD set and I have the SECOND disc, instead of have I seen it which sounds like an insider fan's question, but I don't see the point. I mean, what can you say to that, really, so I just smile and nod a little. The rest of the transaction takes place in silence until,

"This will be due back next thursday-- bye."
"Thanks." and then,

"Yeah, alright, come on," to the next customer-- completely serious, full of condescension, waiting for midnight, when his job turns into a Giant Pumpkin and he can play Guitar Hero II into the wee hours of the night.

Only Now Realizing I Will Probably See Him Again,
Witz

Witz Pickz: A Friday Medley

It is entirely unclear on day 70-something (kinda) of my time here in California (and non-jobness) how Mikey from Swingers made any money. Sure, he was the host of an open mic in Hollywood-- that doesn't pay anything-- and as far as I can tell, he NEVER WENT! So yeah, maybe it's sunny here all the time (all 70 something days so far) like the movie says, and that's good, but how did Mikey live without any income?? Baffling. But it's almost the weekend, and that means one thing-- I feel completely at ease not working right along with the rest of the world. Here's some pickz:

Addendum From Yesterday's Pick: Linkin Park - Bleed It Out: I originally thought there were four pop songs that I was ashamed of, and couldn't remember the fourth one yesterday. Well, then I heard it on he radio again and it all came shamefully flooding back. Linkin Park's new track Bleed It Out is pop-alternative glory. I know what you're gonna say, you're gonna say, "Linkin Park Witz!! You've gone too far! Even YOU can't have fallen this hard!" But to you I can only quote Linkin Park themselves when I say, "Shut up when I'm talking to you, shut up," because this song is GOOD. I think it's primarily good and sneaky pop because it is really poorly produced. Like, I get the feeling that the record company didn't wnat to produce it, so they made it in their basement and then leaked it onto myspace only to find out, it was a huge hit. So it SOUNDS independent, which is weird. Then, there is some rapping that sounds pretty mediocre, but it works before hitting the chorus which is a rolling, rhythmic, melodic chanting that sounds a whole lot like old Against Me! only cleaner. Also, the guitar riffs and the vocals are...brighter? It's almost cheery in a way, even though it isn't. Plus, I'm a sucker for a chanting song, so I got drawn in before I knew who it was and now I can't get out. They only have a 30 second clip on myspace, so it might be tough to hear, but I'm sure it's on your local alternative rock station about 50 times a day. Listen, you just might understand. I am, however, forever, shamed.

Molten Chips Ahoy Sandwhiches: If I've learned one thing over the years, it's that if you add the word "molten" to any description, people will think it's delicious. This invention IS delicious, and molten in a sense, although people usually assume molten means chocolate-- and in that, you would be wrong. You see, last night, I was over at My Friend With A Pool's apartment, hanging out (not in the pool), when all of a sudden he asks if I like Chewy Chips Ahoy. Not being bat shit crazy, I replied, "Of course I do, they are phenomenal," and half-assumed we had started acting out some After School Special skit about the "Trouble-maker" kids who don't like cookies and smoke meth instead. BUT THEN SOMETHING ELSE OCCURRED! He asked if I liked them WITH PEANUT BUTTER! You see, the PB and the Cooks were right next to each other on the shelf, almost magical in coincidence, and he realized that might be amazing. To which I realized that it would only be made more potentially delicious by making it MOLTEN. So we melted the PB, slapped it on a cookie, both immediately realized it had to be a cookie-which, slapped on the top cookie (they're tiny, lay off us), and ate it-- WOOOO! We win, people, we win. Now, I realize that at the time this seemed really really fat of us. And in retrospect, with the lens of my writing craft, I realize that it was even fatter of us than we might have thought. BUT, they were delicious, and frankly, we probably ate fewer cookies because of the peanut butter, so again, lay off us and try it yourself. I never ever ever intended for my girlfriend to find out about my consuming of this dessert, but it's so good I had to let the deliciousness out of the bag. I mean, it's freaking MOLTEN, people.

Quadruple H: I wasn't and am not a big wrestling fan, but I knew the existence of Triple H and his apparent goodness in the ring. And since everyone else only had one H or X or Stone or Rock, it appears the H's might have been the source of his power. So why didn't somebody become Quadruple H and take Triple H down. I mean, once you are in the WWE and named Quadruple H, you a) clearly have to fight Triple H and then b) you'd logically have to defeat Triple H, setting up a rematch in which, AGAINST ALLLLL ODDDS, TRIPLE H manages to defeat Quadruple H despite the obvious handicap of ONE H. It would have been the match of the century and would have turned already popular Triple H into a good guy hero figure. Too bad.

Sorry Loverboy, Not EVERYBODY'S Working For the Weekend,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Pop-O-Craptic Trouble

I'm in over my head. I started listening to the radio and going to parties where they play those "Hit Songs" and now I feel like I should go climb under a desk and hide from the world (also, sometimes it's just really comfortable under a desk). You see, I now have at least three pop songs that I completely am obsessed with, and I feel both shame and pride. I feel shame in that I know that I shouldn't, as a music aficianado, like and want to spread the enjoyment to others of these songs. On the other hand, I'm kind of proud that I completely believe in my opinion that these songs are catchy as all hell and not too music snobby to cast them off as crap simply because I will lose all of your respect and my street cred for liking them. So, without further ado, here they are-- Don't Judge Me People:

Rihanna - Umbrella: Oh my dear God, have you heard this song? "Ella-ella-ay-ay." Holy SHITE-- NOBODY expected umbrellas to ever be this popular and catchy, except potentially literally if turned upside down. The song (at least my version?) kicks off with a Jay-Z intro, and the Jigga Man is like the doorkeeper making it ok for me to keep listening. And then, Rihanna comes in and it's all bumpin' and shit, and all I wanna do is DANCE BABY DANCE! "Under my umbrella-ella-ay-ay-ay" COME ON! It's like the taco bell crunch taco surpreme (modern classic). Honestly, I've been so into this song that if I'm bouncing to it alone in my apartment, shades closed, door locked, headphones on, I sometimes lose myself in the soft vocal bridge and just start interpretive dancing (which is kinda what all dancing looks like when you're white and Jewish) my ass off-- let's just say there's an ipod commercial coming out with my shadow in it. So get it-- just...GET IT. "Catch the dick" as they say.

Wyclef Jean - Sweetest Girl: My friend played this Wyclef single from the upcoming November album The Carnival II (cuz he realized The Carnival 1 was his only amazing album), and warned me "it's really pop, but so catchy" and he was absolutely right. The beat is catchy, the lyrics and hooks are catchy, and OH SNAP! DID I TELL YOU IT'S FEATURING AKON?? No longer creepin' in the shadows, Akon is now on Wyclef's new hit. SICK. "I'm a tell you, like you told me, cash rules everything 'round me, singing Dolla Dolla Bills Ya'all" AHHHHH. I don't know where to get this song really, but the version I have has some "Hot" DJ giving an annoying introduction.

Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come: I truly believed Rob Thomas was dead somewhere. If not physically, then at least mentally. Apparently, however, he's been constructing the greatest pseudo rock/pop/punk ripoff song I've heard in years. Or maybe he just thought up the idea to get a new producer. One way or the other, Rob Thomas is no longer just the executive producer of the now defunct Veronica Mars television series. He's the musician again-- and he's channeling Fall Out Boy. It still sounds like Matchbox 20 kinda, but Rob Thomas sings differently, the guitars are more basic and I think they try to do less and in doing so, they do more. There's one part in particular where the buildup and hesitation before the chorus sound EXACTLY like that one Fallout Boy hit that makes big jocks in the gym on their phone-tune-players sing "One time and one more time...etc (they don't say etc.)"-- shit, that just looks like the title of a Fallout Boy song now (see how I'm spelling Fall Out Boy two different ways? I'm tryin' em out to see which one I like). The chorus will be stuck in your head for days like it was stuck in mine and then you'll realize that Rob Thomas is kinda making the music you wish you were making and then you'll feel shamed again and find yourself under a desk wishing you had a Chipotle burrito-- unrelated. You can watch the "How Far We've Come" music video at http://www.matchbox20.com/

I Also Like Bear vs. Shark, The Blue Scholars, Parts & Labor, and The Impossibles, So Don't Judge Me,
Witz

P.S. Peep the new link on the right-- my radio show for KZSU Stanford is now up and podcasting. Follow the link to listen online or download the mp3 for your iPod or paste the link into your "Advanced" "Subscribe Podcast" box in itunes for consistent success! OR for you myspace folks, click HERE and bookmark it or add it to itunes.

Witz Pickz: Aziz Ansari @ Bonnaroo 2007

Aziz is the man. Here is some video from him at Bonnaroo 2007 since I haven't posted today.

Witz

Witz Pickz: Podcasting and Bat Bridge

I've started podcasting! Not Witz Pickz, which would be weird (just me reading the pickz outloud for my visually challenged fans-- wait-- does visually challenged mean they can't see or that they're really ugly? Crap. Well, for both of them-- they could both get the podcast) and entirely remove the mystery from this thing (maybe you haven't heard my voice or maybe you forget what it sounds like). Anyway, I'm in the process of learning to podcast my radio show on KZSU Stanford so if anybody NOT up from 3-6am on the EAST coast can hear it if they'd like. But here's what I learned and why I love it:

Learning to podcast without essential knowledge is like falling into a mystical magical fantasyland where anything is possible, plausible, and probably occurring. I found a how to guide that has taken me to tens of sites I didn't know existed and don't believe they exist after I leave. File hosting sites for free, communities of file sharing and browsing groups that are based off of the free hosting sites, and one site which as far as I can tell is JUST a basic picture of what uploading a file from your computer to a server looks like (two boxes, one arrow). It's amazing. I have no idea what I'll find next. I mean, just the other day I learned that big burly gay men are called "bears". Now I find out I can upload my huge files online for free? Astounding! I'll keep an eye out for any magical cats or totally effed up tea-parties (in Wonderland, Boston, or other). I'll let you all know when the podcasts are up.

Bat Bridge!: There has never been any question that Batman is real, simply when he existed. Batman I, II, III, The One We Dare Not Recall, and Batman Begins are all works of historical fiction, and as such, they provide insight into our past. If Batman were to live today, however, he would not live in a bat CAVE, he would live in a bat BRIDGE. While in Austin, I saw the South Congress Bridge, where thousands and thousands of bats live. At sunrise and sunset each day, they all emerge in a swooping mass of wings and furry what-have-yous (I call genitals, "furry-what-have-yous"). It sometimes takes up to 45 minutes for the entire stream to emerge, and must look at least a little bit like the Coors Light Train making everything SOOOO COOOOOLD. I didn't actually get to see the bats emerge, but I walked directly under the bridge, and the sound as I approached and underneath was insane. It was a frenzy of squeeling sounds, echoing for huge distances. Since I didn't feel like getting shat on, I didn't get too close, but it was very odd to sense the presence of so many creatures without being able to see them. My fear for snakes, spiders, mountain lions, has now increased.

CHECK-IN TOMORROW FOR A POST ON ALL THE INSANE POP MUSIC I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH! (I might even be funny!)

Through the Looking Glass,
Witz

Witz Pickz: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(etc)

In an amazing coincidence of circumstances, the google ad for Witz Pickz right now says, "Meet Gay Bear Singles: Meet Local Gay Bears Near You. 100% Free to signup." I'm laughing really hard for so many reason.

A) I'm questioning Google adwords for their logic and monitoring.

B) I'm worried that Google adwords is correct and that there actually is somebody paying them to advertise a gay bears singles website.

C) I want to click on it, but don't know what road it will lead me down or where that road might haunt me in the future.

D) In a less literal sense, it's calling the Chicago Bears gay.

E) In a more literal sense, they want me to signup to meet gay bears-- WHO ARE SINGLE.

F) They are not going to charge me to signup! I don't know about you, but if I"m a dude who needs to meet gay bears on the internet (apparently I don't have the social grace to meet them in person, or to find them in my area), I'm probably ok with paying a little bit. Or is it only free to SIGN UP, but once I meet the Gay Bear of my dreams, they're gonna charge me like crazy? I'll already be in too deep to say no (or my mouth will say no, but my wallet will say yes).

G) Does this mean that Paddington Bear was gay? Almost definitely, right? He wore a bright yellow rainhat everywhere and a long raincoat, but no pants. He was totally non-threatening and generally lived a sad and lonely life-- or at least a life of solitude and contentment.

H) What's the testing like with these animals. I mean, I don't want to stereotype, but for all I know diseases are running rampant through the gay bear population and I don't even know where I'd begin explaining to my parents that I got HIV from a slutty internet bear. "Oh, and it was a guy bear, too, by the way-- that's right, I'm gay for brown bears. And one night ruined the rest of my life, but you know what Mom and Dad? I don't care-- because I'm in love! That's right-- I've fallen for Ronald Ruxpin and that's that!"

I) Oh my god, "Teddy"?? "Teddy"?? How did I miss this.

J) Am I expected to pay for all of the dates with the gay bear single just because it doesn't exist in the same socio-economic world that I live in? If we can't handle something simple like splitting a check, how are we supposed to handle more difficult situations later on in life, like adopting children, or keeping me entertained during hibernation season?

K) I can't wait to find out how many hits my page gets from stray keyword searches because of this one.

SWM seeks SPB for dating and some fun-- picinic baskets provided,
Witz

P.S. There's another post below this one from today, so that out too. I probably won't post again until Tuesday...

Witz Pickz: Things Germany Got Right

Here are a few quick pickz from the ATX, land of the famous dry heat which nobody seems to think is a problem until they experience it. BUT ALSO THE LAND OF SONIC! WOOOOOOOO SONIC! COCONUT CREAM PIE SHAKES! GRILLLLLED CHEEESE SANDWHICHES!!! VANILLA CHERRY COKES-- well I guess Coke really screwed Sonic over on that front, but still-- SONNNNIIIIIIIIIIC!

Claussen Dill Pickle Spears/Halves: Going along with one of my readers' gmail chat message, these suckers are freaking GOOOOD. I don't remember exactly when I discovered them, but I know that they are the best pickles you can buy at a conventional grocery store. They aren't even in the pickle section-- they're in the refridgerator section, like with the cheeses and specialty products and meats. They pack so much crispness and flavor into them that I don't mind that they're lilke five bucks a jar. I mean, they have to pay for the refridgeration and probably pickling supplies unknown the common consumer. One of my favorite nights was in college when I (100% sober) purchased a jar of pickles and a tube of cookie dough. Sure, I got some looks from the cashier and yes, I did purchase "American Sweethearts" for five dollars to try and offset the weirdness (yeah, that didn't work), but it was one of the best feelings in the world to know that at 11pm, I could strut into a store and purchase two delectables and one embarrassable and walk out without fear of authoritative retribution (though pickles and cookie dough tend to provide retribution all on their own). If Claussen Pickles ran for President, I would seriously consider voting for them, but then probably vote for someone else-- but they'd have a shot.

Fried Zucchini/Pickles: Breaded and fried zucchini or pickles are also delicious. I found these at some German pubs as well as ski lodges and man do they taste good with some aioli dip (one of those words where one letter makes a world of difference, huh?). A lot of the times, they come with hush puppies, which are way better than the shoes would suggest-- they're fried corn meal...so they're healthy too!....right?

The Autobahn: I recently learned that a major highway in northern california was designed by the same guy who designed the autobahn in Germany. The edges incline slightly around turns so they're easier to take at full speed, etc. Only, see, it's America, so there's also, like a 60mph speed limit and TONS OF COPS. It makes no sense that they would have that guy design it, but I'm sure he, like most of us, is really disappointed by the lack of speed exhibited.

Go Big Or Go Home (you know, like, if you want),
Witz

Witz Pickz: Extension Cords and Life Metaphors

Extension cords are tremendous. They are such a simple thing, but they allow freedom. They allow you to put things wherever you want in a room, regardless of if there's a socket there. They open up sockets for MORE electronics-- you can put two microwaves on ONE extension cord and then wonder at why in the hell you would ever have or need TWO MICROWAVES. BUT you can have them and use them and pretend that the one extension cord is like the lifeline, or the society of microwaves-- and if the microwaves don't behave properly (i.e. make you soggy bagel bites), you can pull that one cord out of the wall and pretend that you have just made your microwave colony extinct. You bastard.

Anyway, while I understand and lavish on the brilliance of extension cords, I never have one when I need one, but I always think I do. Somehow, at some point in my life, I realized that whenever I needed an extension cord and said the phrase, "Does anyone have an extension cord?" the answer was always "Yes, I think I do somewhere!" And without fail, I would end up with an extension cord. And so the other day when I needed to put something further away from a socket, I said, "I'll just get an extension cord," but I didn't have one. I searched everywhere, certain I had a bag of extension cords that have followed me from place to place, coast to coast, apartment to apartment. And yet I couldn't find it. Which resulted in my bafflement and ultimately, my not putting that thing quite so far away. Because here's another thing: I will never buy an extension cord.

I will never buy an extension cord nor do I know anyone who has ever bought an extension cord (no one has ever purchased or discussed the tobe purchased-ing of one in my presence). It's the type of thing I assume doesn't happen anymore. Back in 1950, a slew of extension cords must have been sold and the market was so inundated that they are no longer required on shopping lists. Everybody simple seems to HAVE one. Or KNOW somebody who HAS one. Buying an extension cord is like admitting you are alone in this world. You have no friends to help you out and you can't even talk to your neighbors. It is a fact that no two people who know each other need to use an extension cord at the same time-- if one exists, it will inevitably be available for use when needed. It must be tough times for extension cord dealers (and it's not like they have a lack of material to hang themselves with). And still, I will never buy an extension cord. It will not occur to me, nor will I see it reasonable to go to a store and purchase one. It is simply something that ought to exist.

This is how my life (and plenty of people I know) operates. I have a good idea (I want to put X there) and I think that people will want my idea, but it requires an extension cord. I could go to the store and acquire one, possibly having to go to several stores or compare various cords, but I won't. I expect that extension cord to be there already. To be in my closet, on my shelf, or in my car, waiting for me to need it. So that when I need it, when I have an idea and want to put something somewhere else-- when I want that freedom-- I can go over and acquire it without any hassle. I expect that extension cord to be mine by right, or at least, be mine because I deserve it for such a good idea I had of placing X over there (let's be honest, X probably equals two microwaves vying for supremacy in a bagel bite cooking competition). And even as my parents recount tales of how they had to go to the store to buy the extension cords themselves so that we could have extension cords, and our children can have extension cords, I see it as ridiculous. Why would I possibly want to go to the store for an extension cord, when there must be one around here somewhere?

Sometimes Metaphors That Work TOO Well Actually DON'T Quite Work,
Witz

P.S. I'm going to be out of town for about five days, so the posts might drop off, but be sure to check back in by the 12th if they do!

Witz Pickz: A Day Off

Sorry for the no pick today, but I got about 3 real hours of sleep last night and have been completely out of it all day. Usually this helps the writing, but now it's past time when you folks work, so no post today. Think of it as a day of reflection, of a rest period. Has your neck been sore from reading? Massage it. Imagine those are the hands of Witz Pickz masseusing away your pains-- unless that is creepy for you, in which case, imagine the hands of some other blogger doing it. Not a celebrity, mind you, a blogger. Perhaps you've always imagined the hands of Bill Simmons working away your tenseness-- perhaps Ariana Huffington. Perhaps simply "Tad" or "Melody" or some other blogger.com blogger who has piqued your interest and then retreated into the confines of this mysterious world that we call The Internet.

Also, read Everything Bad Is Good For You.

Also, read How To Talk To A Widower

Also, read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy

Also, eat tuna fish sandwhiches while you still can (as far as I know, nothing is going to happen to tuna fish sandwhiches, but see how I used my prose-ial wiles to boost suspense and intrigue? Hehehe, yeah, I've still got it.

WITZ!

Witz Pickz: Wednesday Matinee

Clearly this week is mostly about rhyming with a significantly lower emphasis on content. But still, why not rejoice in the consistency of pickz and the glory of being able to count on a routine. Granted, in a week or so when I leave town for a few days, I'll shatter that routine and leave you crying, broken, and probably hungry (if you're anything like me) on the floor, but for now-- REJOICE! PICKZ ABOUND!

Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhich: I think I'm turning veggenese, I think I'm turning veggenese-- I've been substituting meat for other things a lot lately and I'm not proud of it. I don't know exactly what's going on, but what with the Neverending Overtly Menacing Sickness I've had for almost three months now, I'm trying to eat healthier. This led me to eat the unfathomably delicious El Guapo sandwhich at the unfathomably delicious sandwhich restaurant The Honey Hole in Seattle. Veggies and smoked gouda all baked tremendously together on a crisp roll-- so so good. I recently decided to try and match the experience without having access to the actual 'which. So I substituded a few ingredients to fit my budget and tastes and came up with Witz's Veggies In My Belly(s) Sandwhichz (silent z)! Here's what you do:

Ingredients:
-Tomato (sliced)
-Lettuce (Whatever kind you want)
-Mushrooms-Zucchini/Squash
-Cheese (Gouda or Fontina or Cheddar or Mozzarella)
-Red Pepper-Italian Bread or crunchy roll
-Italian Dressing or Ranch Dressing

Sautee:
-Zucchini/Squash cut into thin circular slices
-Mushrooms (cut into slices)

Bake at 350 (primarily because my oven doesn't go any higher):
-Cut bread and bake open halves with stuff on top
-Place cheese, tomato slices on one half
-Place lettuce and dressing on other half
-Bake for about 5 minutesPour sauteed veggies on top of tomato halfClose sandwhich

EAT IT DELICIOUSLY

Trust me, it's worth the money for the ingredients and will pay out a number of sandwhiches, not just one.

Gentleman Auction House: I just reviewed these guys for KZSU radio ("Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time) recently with fairly low expectations. I was blown away! These guys sound enough like Bright Eyes and The Arcade Fire and The Decemberists to fit nicely into a genre, but are extremely creative and have great lyrics. The EP "The Rules Were Handed Down" deals with themes of growing up and maturing, sometimes naturally, sometimes before one should have to, and sometimes not yet or never. There are tons of different instruments utilized in each song and they blend perfectly to construct an album with tremendous breadth and depth. Check them out on myspace.

Jonah Hill: Welp, I saw Superbad and loved it-- was intimidated by it's funny-- was inspired by it's writing and success. But I also saw "Accepted" (from the library-- remember?), which was less amusing, although Justin Long (my new fave awkward since Die hard 4) did a pretty good job of making unfunny material funny. The common link between the two movies was Jonah Hill-- you know, the overweight friend... Jonah has an incredible knack for timing and intonation and especially improvisation (yeah, I watched the outtakes and making of "Accepted"-- so what? I have a little time on my hands-- you should be jealous of me). He's not the usual "fat guy" funny sidekick. He steals movies. He doesn't steal movies in the way that Walmart suspects anyone of color to steal movies or like how people say downloading is stealing-- he takes the sidekick role and makes you want him to be the lead. When he's not onscreen, you are waiting for him to be onscreen. It's pretty cool and it turns out that HE was pretty cool growing up to, according to his time on Loveline where I was first introduced to him (oh yeah, right, I uh, lisen to Loveline sometimes still on my way home from things...THINGS..I do THINGS...and not just so I can hear Loveline!). So here's to Jonah Hill, who I wish a successful career and who should someday help me make a movie.

"A long hundred": My friend who writes over at The Wonder Yak and I were trying to figure out what a seven person group is called (answer: a septet-- we felt dumb after we found out) and inadvertently stumbled upon the fact that the number 120 is sometimes referred to (I have no idea by whom) as "A LONG HUNDRED." 20 is ONE-FIFTH of a hundred. What is the scenario where you have 1/5th more of something and feel like it's ok so it becomes a standard phrase (other than lunchmeat-- I'm a little tired of asking for 1/2 a lb of something and getting 3/4 of a lb. It happens so regularly that I now under order by about 1/4 in order to get the amount I wanted. Has the deli counter job lost that much specialization in the last ten years? And also, why's it called "lunchmeat?" Isn't it just meat that I can eat whenever the hell I feel like it?? This is why I make veggie sandwhiches)? And if we're going to accept a long hundred, shouldn't we say that 130 is a longer hundred? 140? Where does it stop? Is the opposite true? Is 80 a short hundred? I'd be pissed if I only got 80 of something when I ordered 100. Can I refer to my penis as "a short hundred"? If someone wants to tell me that 120 is a "long hundred" they at the very least need to use some friggen UNITS so I know what they're referring to. "A long hundred" of grains of rice is different from "a long hundred" of oncoming tanks. I wouldn't want to run "a long twenty-six" marathon, but I'd be ok running the "a long 100" meter dash. I can only hope that in this age of computers and global shipping, "a long hundred" is obsolete vernacular. I truly, truly hope.

A medium hundred posts and counting,
Witz

P.S. Seriously though, if you are even remotely capable, checkout my radio show, hear my soothing radio voice, and solve the mystery of Witz that has plagued you for so long.

"Live From Six Feet Underground" with your host DJ Witz airs on kzsulive.stanford.edu from 12am-3am PST wednesday nights/thursday mornings for a potentially limited time

Witz Pickz: The Wonder Boy Review Submissions & Redemption Centers (No connection)

Alright cats and kittens (which is weird-- I always assumed that meant "ladies and gentleman" or "boys and girls", but "cats" are literally adult animals while "kittens" are children animals. So does the expression mean "adults and children" or does it mean "Guys and Girls?" Because if it means "guys and girls" but refers to the guys as adult and the girls as underage youths...well then, that expression is a little awkward.)...

...The time has come for The Wonder Boy Review to conclude it's submission gathering process for the next issue due out early October. For those of you unfamiliar, The Wonder Boy Review (or WBR) is the pseudo-literary independent magazine that I am co-creator/editor of. We have out two successful issues and are even more excited for this next one, which is looking to be even bigger and better than previous issues.

IF YOU would like to submit ANYTHING before the deadline for consideration, please do so. We are looking for PROSE, POETRY, ESSAYS (of all kinds, humor, business, etc), PHOTOS, PUZZLES, ETC...

THE DEADLINE is AUGUST 31st, but I will not actually be reading anything until I am on a plane September 5th, so for Witz Pickz readers only, if you get me something by SEPT 3rd, it will be considered. The WBR cannot compensate anyone for their accepted submissions at this time, but you will get exposure, a link back to the website or email of your choice, and the glory of being in on the ground floor of an un and coming magazine which is going to one day dominate the world and have Sudanese children telling stories of how The Wonder Boy Review delivered them from danger and provided them with interesting reading material and photos.

SO yeah, submissions wanted!

HERE'S A PICK:

Witz DOESN'T Pick: California Redemption Centers-- You know how cans say, "5 cents in ME, CT, MA, DE, CA and 10 cents in MI"? Well, I've never worried about the CA part before, but now it is relevant to my life, and I have inadvertently stumbled on a major American scam! They add 5 cents per can or bottle when you purchase sof drinks or alcohol, but then they DON'T HAVE ANY REDEMPTION CENTERS ANYWHERE! None of the local supermarkets have the redemption machines in them and when I looked up "redemption centers" nearby, there isn't one within 30 minutes of my largely populated location. They DO, however, have numerous recycling bins all over the place for you to recycle your cans-- BUT NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK! I don't believe for a minute (the short minute, not the really long minute that people haven't seen other people in) that people drive 30 minutes to recycle cans in order to get, like, 3 bucks back, especially with the cost of gas these days. So, my question is, who gets that money? Who gets to keep the money from the cans that aren't redeamed? The state? The store? If it's the store, there's no reason why they would put a redemption machine in, but if it's the state, that seems like a lotta math and changing of money going on. SOMEONE is coming up with hundreds of dollars of extra income and I want to know who. Is there some ridiculous Suburban Mafia running this thing? Do they work for Google? Can I get in on it, because it sounds like a great gig and frankly, that's more the type of "job" I'm lookin' for. If I disappear in the next day or two mysteriously (any disappearance at this point in my life would be mysterious. People don't just disappear from watching online television all day-- I go two places: the library and the supermarket-- CRAP! Now THEY KNOW. Anyway, if I disappear, please alert somebody to this theory.

Not Makin' Any Cents,
Witz

Witz Pickz: The Monday Buffet

It’s early, but I want you have your picks before five over there on the east coast, so here are an assortment of pickz for you to choose from and delight in. I’m calling it the Monday Buffet, because I can’t imagine a business making any money off of a breakfast buffet on a Monday, and I’m not making any money doing this or anything else. But at least I got croissants.**

Trader Joe’s Vegetarian Masala Burgers: I picked these up because they were on sale and finally had one last night—delicious! Not overly flavorful or spicy, but they taste more like if India had invented latkes. I’m thinking they can be used as a breakfast food, and since nobody would see me eating them pre-lunch, I think I can get away with it.

The Mighty Oven: I never realized that I cared one way or another about an oven until I moved into this place and found myself wondering which A.D.D. worker they got to paint the numbers on the “temperature knob.” Because, you see, it only goes up to 350, and it shocked me to find out that apparently, someone didn’t forget to keep painting on the numbers up to 450, it simply DOESN’T GO THAT HIGH. REALLY??? How is that even possible? 90% of cooking requires 375 or above. I live in a pseudo-dorm, and my oven isn’t strong enough to heat up frozen pizza or bagel bites! Nor chicken tenders, nor frozen burritos. Who did they expect was going to live here? “Hi, I’m Bobby Flay, and I’m psyched to be getting a degree here at Expensive University. This year, we’ll be using the “outdoor grill” for most of our cooking, with the occasional pan-seared cod over the lopsided burners that force all the oil to one side of the pan, thereby making it nearly impossible to cook.” GIVE ME 450 DEGREES!

No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain: No, not the cooking show with Abigail Breslin and Aaron Eckhart in which the latter attempts to make up for an entire career of acting like a sleaze via this one role—I’m instead talking about the show on the Food Network. Anthony Bourdain is a guy who basically goes from place to place each episode and indulges in their culture—first their culinary stylings, and then, usually their entertainment. Always, he indulges in their local alcohol and that combined with the fact that he’s a number one d-bag lends to a tremendous show. Plus, since nobody speaks English half the time, he can be even more brazen and insulting and nobody has any idea what he’s saying, or at least they smile and act like they don’t. This has the dual effect of allowing him to say funny things, and to probably alienate our nation further from the graces of other cultures.

Intellekt and Dirty Digits – Intellektual Property: This new hip hop album from MC Intellekt and DJ/MC Dirty Digits is absolutely addictive. Two young, musically gifted guys from Atlanta, the album is packed with smooth turns of phrase, lyrical dexterity, and some of the better scratching and mixing I’ve heard in a long time. Plus, the whole album has a sense of humor to it, which makes it all the better. A lot of the songs feel nostalgic, and only a couple feel out of place and over the MC’s heads. Checkout Phenom Mental on Myspace. (part of the upcoming Witz Mix—you’ll see).

Jones Soda: Is nuts. They have the craziest damn flavors, but they all taste delicious. Their cream soda is one of the best tasting sodas I’ve ever had, and they have cool pictures on the label of each bottle. They even come in cans now, which I think takes away from some of it’s allure, but still, DELICIOUS! I don’t drink much soda these days, but I ALWAYS want one when I see that bottle on the shelf of a store.

That’ll be 5.99 please,
Witz


**I don’t actually have croissants—those suckers are like FIVE DOLLARS for 4-6 of them and it’s like paying to have “delicious fat” pumped into your system. Boy do they taste good though.

Witz Makes the Tough Pickz: Mountain Lion or Bear?

Alright, in conversation last night, conversation somehow stumbled into “Would your rather be mauled by a bear or a mountain lion?” I’m pretty sure I led the way to this question and may have even posed the question myself to the befuddlement of the group, but it’s still a viable question. I believe your location in the country effects your decision—I had never even considered Mountain Lions a threat until I moved out west. Suddenly, Bears don’t seem like such a big deal, whereas I previously had a big black bear walk across my front lawn. Granted, both maulings will more than likely result in death, but which would you prefer? Let’s take a look:

Bear: Massive and imposing—which works for and against you. On one hand, the bear is large and fast and dangerous and can destroy you in a single swipe. On the other hand, everyone understands that bears are big and fast and dangerous and can destroy you in a single swipe—there will be no question of whether or not you should have survived the bear attack. You would get some posthumous street cred. Also, I have a better feel of what I’m supposed to do if a bear sees me: Act small, “Get low” as the rappers say, and try not to pee myself (unrelated). Hopefully the bear goes away and you survive. There’s the added bonus that bears are wicked cool and awesome looking and it’d be neat to see one up close and if not mauled—perhaps nuzzled by one.

Mountain Lion: Small, lithe and muscular, but looks like a big cat. In this case, I feel the mountain lion is equally dangerous as the bear with their claws and speed and keen senses, only they aren’t as big and scary as bears so people wouldn’t quite understand how you got mauled by one. I mean, they look like cats, and you can fight off a cat, right? Even though people know mountain lions are dangerous, it’s more shocking that you got mauled by one, and might be funny—as would potentially hearing that someone got mauled by a bear. Really “mauled by” is the funny part. Anyway, I feel like mountain lions have an innate scent for meat that bears lack. Bears eat things, but they don’t seek out meat and flesh on a regular basis. Mountain lions, cougars, cheetahs, lions, they all do. Meat is meat is meat and they want it, want it, want it. So that freaks me out. Also, I’ve watched like twenty Man vs. Wilds and I still have no idea what I’m supposed to do if I’m spotted by a Mountain Lion. I’m pretty sure, “back away and then—“ but I don’t know the rest. If I come upon a mountain lion, I’m GOING TO BE MAULED BY A MOUNTAIN LION. Whereas with a bear, I feel I have a few seconds of potential survivalism. There is, however, the potential to get nuzzled by the cat before mauled, and that would still be pretty nice.

So I guess I would pick to be mauled by a bear, or at least to encounter a bear with potential for mauling. I’d probably die, but somehow I’d feel better about it. They can walk on two legs when they want to, and I had them as stuffed animals. There’d be no residual bitterness towards any house pets, whereas with a mountain lion, should I survive, I’d probably be pissed off at my cats. So Bear it is. For better or worse. Which would you rather get mauled by?

Mauled By Pandas (the slowest, cutest death of them all),

Witz

Witz Pickz: Grey's Anatomy...aaaand Punching Myself In the Face

It couldn't have come to this-- I'm still young, I have my strength and my hea-- well, I have some strength and perseverance. But listen, when you're home, unemployed for longer than a couple weeks, television becomes your best friend. And when you don't get any channels on your television, DVD's become your best friend. And when you don't have a job to PAY for the DVD's (see how that works?), the LIBRARY becomes your mistress. Which is a long way of saying, "it's not my fault that despite my promises to never ever ever watch the show that is crappy and miserable and etc etc ended up in my car, then my apartment, and ultimately on my television."

I have watched the first two seasons of Grey's Anatomy and am currently doing whatever I can to see the third. And here's the thing-- it's NOT GOOD. IT'S NOT! AND EVERYONE SAYS THIS! Everyone says that Grey's is trash, but they can't stop watching it and it's true! It started out good, it really did-- the characters were new and interesting, medical things happened, and they got me all choked up in that "Seriously? This is what I'm finally gonna get choked up over? Not the cat dying? Not genocides in Africa?" kind of way.

But it has gone downhill. I watched as it slowly evolved from a PEOPLE drama/comedy to a RELATIONSHIP drama/comedy. Where open ended plotlines turned into redundant cycles of behavior. They sold out the men for the women, and it probably worked-- but I hate it. And possibly due to that fact, or perhaps independent of it, here is the biggest problem with the show: Very few of the main characters are likeable. Oh, they might have started likeable, but they have long since lost their charm. Izzie? She justifies everything by the fact that she came from nothing, worked hard to get to where she is despite being hot, and therefore can break every hospital regulation ever, including some very serious ones and get away with it, because she's a good person at heart, only she's confused. I want her in a jail cell next to the crack dealer with the same situation-- or let the crack dealer out, but come on! Then ya got Sandra Oh's character, who is really enjoyable when she shows emotions besides frustration and uptightedness, only that's her schtick. Patrick Dempsy aka McDreamy is a total douchebag who isn't charming or cute (basing this on other girls' opinions, too) when he's tormenting Meredith and acting like a self-involved prick with expectations that he deserves everything and everyone to like him. Then there's Meredith. I don't want to say that Meredith is the least likeable main character in the history of television, but she makes Al Bundy look like Bill Cosby. She's constantly complaining, whining, focusing on her problems, creating drama, cuckolding (FINALLY GOT TO USE IT!), bitching, moaning, getting her way, getting breaks and advantages over the other interns because of all these things, and she's not even attractive. She looks like she has ghosts in her, and those ghosts need to eat a little more food and maybe she'd stop complaining all the time. Are we supposed to care about Meredith? Do you? I'm watching because I have too much invested to quit-- I'll finish up season 3 and then turn it over to Private Practice where one of only three enjoyable characters on the show will be starring-- Addison Montgomery Shepperd-- McDreamy's wife who looks and acts like Felicity Huffman only she's ACTUALLY very attractive whereas Aaron Sorkin just wanted us all to believe she was very attractive in Sports Night, much in the same way he wanted us to BELIEVE that Harriet Hayes was some kind of comedic genius in Studio 60. Anyway, AMS (which sounds like a disease, but is just abbrev. for Addison Etc Etc...which is an abbreviation for Montgomery Shepperd), is a great character who actually has several emotions and can play all of them well. I doubt her show will be any good, but whatever, what do I have to do, right? The other characters on Grey's who provide some semblance of enjoyment are George O'Malley, the quirky, uncomfortable intern, and Alex Carev, the asshole intern with a heart of malleable silver. They both show an acting range and have some depth as characters other than "I'm hot, but used to be trashy!" or "I'm not hot, but everyone loves me." It baffles me that so many of the supporting cast was nominated or won awards.

So yeah, that's my Grey's Anatomy explanation. I'm not saying don't watch the show, I'm just saying be prepared. And be prepared to say you won't watch the show, and then will watch the show when circumstances arise. It did give us phrases such as, "Bomb in the body cavity" which is nice, and there are a lot of cameos via patients.

I Will Never Ever Ever Watch Desperate Housewives...Until I Do,
Witz

P.S. This corresponds to a book I just started called "Everything Bad For You Is Good," by Steven Johnson. I don't know enough about it to discuss, but will tell you about it in a future post. It essentially says that all the crappy culture that we think is making us dumber, is actually effecting us in ways that make us smarter-- I just don't know why yet.

Witz Pickz: Don't Be Reading How To Talk To A Widower to Gutterfly while Wirelessly Eating Your Flax with Margarine In the Hood

Here are some Wednesday pickz to keep the ball rollin':

How To Talk To A Widower by Jonathan Tropper: Author of The Book of Joe, another great book, is a very easy read, but entirely worth it if you're looking for something to read for fun that you can still feel respectable about. Jonathan Tropper is like the step-son of Nick Hornby, Michael Chabon, and Dave Eggers. He really wants to be in that crowd, and a lot of his writing reflects their tone and attitudes, however, he doesn't pack in enough grit and originality to make it quite to their level. So...well, he's kind of like me I guess. Crap. Anyway, How To Talk To A Widower follows Doug, whose forty year old wife died in a plane crash about a year ago, as he tries to move forward and deal with his grief. He's only twenty-eight, so the dynamic is interesting and I liked a lot of the ideas and characters. It was trite at times and a little obvious at others, but it also pulled you along and was easy to move through. Jonathan Tropper's specialty is apparently the idea of "30" and what your age means, so it was particularly logical for me to finish it yesterday. Definitely an easy, good read if you have the time, and yes, ladies, it's a bit trashy.

Lifesavas - Gutterfly: The Portland, Oregon trio released their second album and because all rappers think they'd be incredible filmmakers, it is a concept album-- the soundtrack to a movie that doesn't exist. Taking place in Razorblade City (Portland), the three assume numerous personas and characters to go through a narrative. The tracks are good and some are very catchy, but I wouldn't put much stock in the storytelling aspect of the album. It's an interesting album, though, and in the way that I believe David Bowie described seeing The Killers as, "the history of rock and roll in front of his eyes", Lifesavas incorporates all styles of hip-hop, funk, and soul. Definitely worth a listen.

Wireless Video Game Controllers: I don't think people made enough of a big deal about this when it happened. First, there were wireless keyboards and mice. THEN, wireless PS2 and XBOX controllers. Now, it's the norm for PS3 and XBOX360, and nobody seems to verbalize how straight up cool that is. Here's another thing-- apparently, and I just learned this, PS3 has the exact same "axis motion" sensor that the Wii is based on. In some games, simply turning your remote is a function. So, if PS3 has the SAME EXACT abilities as a Wii (and without the obvious motion sensor on top of the tv), how come they don't come out with games that utilize it to its full extent and run the Wii crowd right out of business?? PS3 has way better games and graphics than the Wii and is ultimately about the same price (Wii is cheaper, but each remote with nunchuck attachment used in many games, is 80 DOLLARS-- so for a system of 4 people, it costs like 300+240+games, vs. the PS3's price of about 400-600 dollars). I would buy a PS3 in a second if it had both capabilities.

Flax: Flax is big right now and I just want to throw in my hat and say, "I'm not so sure." I don't know all of what it does for you or what it's supposed to do for you, but I haven't heard any downsides to consuming extra flax, and I'm not sure that's a good thing. Consuming any product en masse cannot be healthy, although I'm basing that mostly on my Chocolate and Gatorade addictions of the mid 90's (did you know that drinking Gatorade regularly ultimately leaves you dehydrated and prone to blacking out?? I now do). Anyway, we'll see in time, but I just want to let you all know that I'm not sold just yet.

Margarine: Much like the wireless controllers, but in reverse, I don't think we made a big enough deal about how WRONG we were about margarine. Everyone hailed margarine as this great thing and it changed our economy, etc (it was cheaper than butter and allowed middle and lower economic families to buy it), it was probably one of the greatest health eff-ups in a while. Once trans fat was found to exist, margarine became one of the worst products in the world. Everybody swears off margarine now, but nobody has made enough of a deal over HOW BADLY THEY MESSED UP. Are there people in the margarine industry just sitting in abandoned warehouses, spinning on their one remaining desk chair, wondering what went wrong? P.S. Super thanks to my Grandma for giving me the straight up "Butter vs. Margarine" test when I was little. "I didn't get it, lemme try it again!" when I was 8 has to have translated directly into about 30 lbs and higher blood pressure today.

Rollin' on...Wheels...Of Some Kind,
Witz

Witz Pickz: Monumental Days!

Like the girl you didn’t “officially” start dating because things were complicated at the time, today is the KINDA 100th POST on Witz Pickz! You see, I don’t think I can count my “Mission Statement” post, and my sister posted once as Switz about photography, which makes this, the 102nd post on the blog, the SORTA 100th post on the blog! HAPPY 100th (*102nd) POST E’ERBODY! Completely unintentionally, it also happens to fall on another celebrated numerical figure—my birthday. And trust me, this was not on purpose. Several months back when I saw 100 approaching, I did some quick math and figured that I would hit 100 just around July 20th. And look, ONLY A MONTH LATE! The fact that it’s my birthday is both fortuitous and unfortunate. You see, it gives me a very clear idea of how many posts I’ve written since my last birthday.

There have been about 75 posts since last August 20th—which doesn’t seem that long ago. Remember “Office Blackmail”??? I’m still emotionally recovering from that encounter. Anyway, as far as I’ve been told (I’ve never counted and I don’t believe any of you have either), there are 365 days in a year. I wrote 75 days out of the 365, which doesn’t seem so good. SO, here is a better comparison: It took the people in Around the World in 80 Days EIGHTY DAYS to fly around the world in a balloon. I posted approximately one post per day of their flight AROUND THE WORLD. Now, by taking the transitive property and twisting it slightly, just enough to make it incorrect, but not too much, so it’s still believable—that means that I potentially flew around the world in one year! AND for every one day of their flight around the world, I wrote 25% of a post. Since each post contains approximately 3 references or “Pickz”, I’ve pretty much flown around the world at the same rate as the fictional characters in that book/movie…is all I’m saying…gimme a break, this is the 100th POST!

So thank you all for being here during the 100, and keep on comin’ back for more. Here is my Pick for the Day:

Neurotic Library Strategy: When you’re in the library, as I am sometimes, and acquire books, movies, music, etc., I find myself constantly worrying about what the librarian will say (either someone is going to be checking out my materials…so to speak…or they have to remove the little yellow Lock thingies on the movies) when they see what I’m getting. SO, I constantly find myself picking up books I know I’m never going to read to accommodate the books/movies that I know I will read/watch. I’ve checked out one or more David Foster Wallace books numerous times to counter balance my acquisition of McCauley Culkin’s book, or a Orson Scott Card novel (although all of the Ender series is amazing). I’ve had to rent Schindler’s List like six times because I also wanted to watch Season Two of Lost or Season One of Invasion. Since being in California with some time on my hands, I’ve had to use these learned skills to balance out one of the tougher pickups—Grey’s Anatomy (Pick Pending). To counteract getting Grey’s Anatomy, when it is in the HOLDS section of the library, one must also rent the following, “49 Up,” any Jim Jarmusch film, and, if possible, “400 Blows,” or another French new wave director. And yet, nothing prepared me for what I somehow did the other day. I picked up some movies that just looked dumb, but free. Maybe I wanted to watch em, but at least I wasn’t paying for them. Then I got some CD’s, and finally The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon which I’m very excited about. Only, I misjudged my complete collection when I got to the checkout lady and I knew I was screwed as the names of the movies came out: Accepted (the movie with the Mac kid about making up a new fake college—I liked Camp Nowhere when I was younger, so gimme a break), Gridiron Gang (fooball in jail movie starring The Rock), Beer League (softball movie, which speaks for itself, but was talked about a lot while playing softball), and finally, Bill and Ted’s Non-Bogus Disc (all the special features and documentary from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which is a fantastically written movie). I tried to point out that it was “Not-Bogus” but the woman didn’t care. I saw her flick her eyes up at me and there was no more respect in them. It also didn’t help when the next CD that came up was “The Average White Band’s Greatest Hits.” Crap. When she got to the book, I knew I had one last chance to act:

Me: Did you read that yet? (Subtext: See, I read!)
Her: My husband did. (Subtext: He’s unemployed like you must be—only in his case, it’s retirement)
Me: I really love Michael Chabon, but I feel like this one could go either way (See, I read a lot and can speak on the subject!)
Her: I’m sure it’ll be fine (I’m sure you have all the time in the world to read it because you’re unemployed and even if you read at the snail’s pace that your movie selection would suggest, it’s not really that big a concern, now is it?)
Me: Yeah, thanks. (Whatever lady, you work at a library— also, you’re mostly right)

So now I have to run up some fines on Infinite Jest in the hopes of having her see my extensive “Checked Out” list which includes all kinds of legitimate novels and films that aren’t horribly embarrassing (a lot of those Pickz coming soon, too).

So that’s how it goes, library strategies are extremely important and it only takes one mistake to ruin a good library relationship.

Thanks again for the last 100, and looking forward to the next,
Witz
PS. I failed to mention in yesterday's post that Bruce Campbell is in Burn Notice. The reason I forgot to mention it is because he plays the least Bruce Campbell type character ever, and they don't take advantage of any of his Bruce Campbell-ness. It's a shame, but the man really hasn't done much work and can probably use the money.

Witz Pickz: Assault On LoneGirl15 (But Not The Illegal Kind)

Alright—it’s one day before my birthday and it’s time for me to make my push. LonelyGirl15 is just sitting there above me on the Scale O’ Life and it’s time I took charge and did somethin’ about it. Special Thanks to Diana for this realization, and for one upping the “Leave A Comment” request I’ve made by doing the “Calling Me Out On the Telephone” communication. So here are a bunch of pickz to get your week started right:

The Improbable Adjustment of Sandals: I bought 10 dollar (Ok, Ok, $7.50) sandals from Old Navy and left the store. I assumed that they would be effective—then I put them on. HOLY CRAP. Wearing these sandals was like riding a wild horse; the leather strap between my Big Toe and my…next to big toe (I think we need to rethink the whole “names of toes” thing. The “Big Toe” is big, but the one next to it is actually taller. I think we need to give the title of Big Toe to the second toe and give the former “Big Toe” the more accurate title of “The Choad Toe.” Other toes can be referred to as “Useless” and/or “Stabilizers” up until the “Baby Toe” who I also call, “The Toe Who’s Nail Grows Freakishly Long In Comparison To Other Toes.”)……even I couldn’t track back to before those parentheses….anyway, the leather strap between the two toes cut violently into my soft flesh, making every step a painful painful journey. I had to keep switching the positioning of my foot just to not saw a deep gash into my foot. And then, after several wears, almost without notice, something changed. The horse let me ride it without bucking or attempting to hurt me. The sandals became comfortable, and now, I am indeed capable of riding these $7.50 sandals without any pain at all. They have been broken.

Sub Pick: The Urban Dictionary: I just looked up “choad” on Google to see how it is spelled and found the Urban Dictionary. Check out the bluntness of some of the latter entries and understand why the Urban Dictionary is amazing.

The Tremendous Effects of Pushup Grips: Pushups suck. They just do. If you can do them, which many can’t, they hurt your wrists, your fingers, and a lot of the time your shoulders. Sometimes pain is good with workouts, but other times it’s not. In this case, I went to Sports Authority and purchased pushup “grips/stands” for twelve bucks. They are slightly elevated handlebars basically that let you grip instead of flattening your wrists, and you can then push without pain or undue stress on your shoulders and wrists. Also, it lets you do some decline pushups so your chest can get an even better workout. Brilliant.

The Shocking Resiliency of Bagel Bites: They’ve been around forever and yet no matter what happens, they stick around in the freezer section of every supermarket. They have microwave instructions, toaster instructions, and oven instructions. In the microwave, they’re mushy, BUT DELICIOUS. In the toaster, they’re more crispy, BUT DELICIOUS, and in the oven, they are crispy AND TOTALLY DELICIOUS! Do you think Tacquitos are going to have this kind of staying power? Not a chance.

The Addictive Nature of Above Average Television: I started watching Burn Notice and now I can’t stop. I don’t even think it’s THAT good a show, it’s just that the main character is so damn affable and has such good expressions and one-liners that I don’t see why I wouldn’t keep watching. It’s about a US Spy who gets a burn notice from the CIA, meaning that he is no longer affiliated and is totally on his own. Also, all of his bank accounts are frozen and he’s basically effed. Which leads to the, honestly, really odd plot of him solving minor cases every week using his skills to acquire some money or payment, while he also gets slightly closer to the final solution of who burned him and why. The show is on USA and follows their new slogan, “Characters welcome.” It’s like Cool Monk. They might have even called it Cool Monk if it then wouldn’t confuse people and turn regular Monk into Bafflingly Off the Air Monk. I think it’s kind of USA’s style and the style of many non-FOX channels, to have big plots (who burned him, who killed Monk’s wife), and then slow the show down dramatically to solve side cases and, well, allow seasons to happen. FOX wants that dude OUT OF PRISON. FOX wants Jack to KILL THE TERRORISTS. FOX wants People Who Think They Can Dance to Prove Openly In Competition That They CAN DANCE. One exception is House who has his medical thing and secrets, and to be sure, this is a formula for almost all ongoing plot oriented shows, but every now and then, as with Burn Notice, I find myself wanting it to be more like a movie, and just give me the whole damn story before you get cancelled and I never find out what the answer was (a future John From Cincinnati post on this). Regardless, Burn Notice is enjoyable, and I’m glad there are shows with interesting, quirky, characters on cable.

Monday Before Noon (for me)!,

Witz

Witz Pickz: Danny Ainge and Snakes On A Plane (THE FINAL WORD)

Sorry for the delay between posts, but due to a comment on this blog, I was forced to take the last week and a half and consider whether or not I am, in fact, similar to Andy Rooney. As one reader to go nameless suggested, in my Andy Rooney post, I pulled an Andy Rooney. First of all, I have my fingers crossed that after typing HIS name three times, he will not appear in my living room and start ruining my life. Fingers still crossed, I will say that in response to said comment, another friend/reader told me, "Andy Rooney is like 'Witz DOESN'T Pick' EVERY SINGLE WEEK." This was meant to be uplifting. And so I was forced to ponder the intricacies between me and The Name We Dare Not Speak (can I use that still or did Harry Potter cop it?). Obviously, I had to turn to Google Analytics for answers. As it turns out, Andy Rooney is held aloft by the other 56 of the 60 minutes. Real stories of interest support him like those little arm and leg buoys children are forced to wear into pools. Andy Rooney is essentially a big baby, meaning if the buoys come off, Andy Rooney drowns a horrible pool death while numerous onlookers do nothing-- he is an ugly ugly baby. Witz Pickz on the other hand is supported by nothing-- there is no reason for anyone to be here unless they want to (unless they searched for "lever 2000" or "pussey" as confirmed by Google Analytics). Statistics show that of the people who come to this blog, only 5% come once, while over 60% have now been here between 200+ times. That's called brand loyalty. My readers are loyal, and once I have you hooked, you'll keep coming back for more. I respect that, and I thank you for it. It also places me ahead of Andy Rooney on the Scale of Life. Let's take a look at that scale now, shall we?

SCALE OF LIFE:

1) George Clooney
2) Will Smith
3) Oprah Winfrey
4) Tom Brokaw
5) Martha Stewart
....
....
....
2,304,001) Jared Leto
....
....
4,304,059,673) Andy Milonakis
....
....
5,708,345,345) LonelyGirl15
5,708,345,346) Witz Pickz
5,708,345,347) Andy Rooney
....
....
....
....
6,350,302,023) Small Child making shoes in Pakistan


HEY! I'm doin' alright! with Andy Rooney in my rear-view, I have my sights on LonelyGirl15 and it's only a matter of time. Look out Andy Milanakis-- although it's entirely unclear how you got to where you are, Aziz Ansari (www.azizisbored.com) is fast on your ass with his crappy MTV show Human Giant and in no time, you and Andy Rooney will have interactions far more hilarious than either one of you alone. Actually-- wow, that's a great concept for a sitcom: "Living With Andy," the show where Andy Rooney is forced to take care of his grandson Andy Milonakis after the child's father, Andy Richter, skips town to go live his dream as a Sea World dolphin trainer. Think of all the hilarious possibilities. (I, Witz, am hereby claiming and stating this idea, 8/8/07 at 2:11 PST, and if anything remotely similar appears in the next few months, I will sue the shit out of whoever it is and then promptly shoot myself in the face.)

Anyway, I guess I have to pick some stuff, so here's a couple that I'll try and make funny for you!

Danny Ainge: As far as I can tell (I'm not big into knowledge of the NBA), Danny Ainge is the GM of the Boston Celtics, a team which although stationed in Boston, has never been able to grab my interest. I prefer watching college basketball and March Madness where guys who aren't 7'2 make tremendous plays that will stay in the minds of their teammates and college fans forever-- where anybody can be a hero. This probably appeals to me because I'm 5'10, can't dunk, have about a 3'' vertical, and other than the occasional three pointer, am mostly known for my "hustle" on the court. On the upside, I can hit free throws, which is apparently exceedingly difficult (although nobody is waving shit behind the hoop while I take them). Anyway, in a matter of months, I have become a huge Celtics fan and am ridiculously excited for the coming NBA season. It might be easy to say that I'm a fairweather fan or a bandwagon fan, and while that might be true, here's why I'm so excited. 1) Ray Allen-- Ray Allen is my favorite college basketball player of all time. I loved him on UConn, I got excited to see him as a Sonic, and now am overjoyed to see him on the Celtics. He might be past his prime, but he's ridiculously clutch and so much fun to watch. PLUS, he was in He Got Game. Jesus has arrived in Boston. 2) Kevin Garnett-- I really don't know much about KG other than the little I've seen of him. In this case though, I do know that he's really really good and I'm excited to have an All-Star on the squad. 3) Paul Pierce-- Didn't leave town somehow to get these other players. He's got that nice guy thing going to and is great on the court. 4) Reggie Miller-- There are currently rumors that Reggie Miller, my favorite basketball player of all time will come out of retirement at 43 to play for the Celtics. He wouldn't play much, but just seeing him there and hearing his name would make me pay for whatever stupid cable channel broadcasts NBA games. Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, Reggie Miller, and Kevin Garnett. Danny Ainge has already made 3 of them happen, and might just get Reggie too. Thank you for giving me a reason to waste more of my life on professional sports. Even if the refs cheat, they'll probably be cheating FOR the Celtics, since they've been terrible the last X number of years (where X = my complete lack of NBA knowledge). For more on these happenings and another amusing way of looking at the acquisitions, go to THIS BLOG! (esp if you like Seinfeld, sports, or the Yankees)

Snakes On A Plane: THE FINAL OPINION! After many mentions and variances, I can finally lay down a solid opinion of SOaP. I watched it last weekend on a big screen TV with two friends and some 7&7's, and IT WAS FANTASTIC. It was overdone, with appropriate cameos/casting, and treated itself like a movie, but not one without it's own sense of humor. When a snake goes in the microwave (and I don't know if you could see this in real time on the big screen), he pushes the button marked "Snake" for how long it should cook. Brilliant. In addition, EVERY TIME one of us made some comment as to what someone should do or why wouldn't they just-- the movie answered us. "Why wouldn't they just open the--" "We're going to shoot out the windows." Oh. "How come some people are dying immediately and other are--" "There are all kinds of different snakes on the plane, some will kill you in minutes, others in hours." Oh. Well played movie. My only problem with the movie was that the actor who plays Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights was the first to die when he could have been absolutely awesome for much much longer. There's one part where the male flight attendant is having a conversation in the aisle and you can see Riggins over his shoulder reacting to what he sees and it's hysterical. (FNL on NBC this Fall, check it out.) Having said all this positive stuff, and now having you probably say, "Well, of course, Witz, you were an idiot for not seeing it in theaters" let me say to you, "NO! I WAS NOT!" There is no chance I would have enjoyed this movie as much in theaters. Part of why it worked was because I was able to make fun of it and we were all able to say things and jokes and bets about what would happen out loud and not simply chear and laugh and jump when they wanted us to. The experience was 1/2 experiential and 1/2 participatory, and that's what made it so fun to watch. So Witz Pickz Snakes On a Plane On DVD.**

Family Guy: In case you didn't know, Family Guy is hilarious. I already knew this, but I haven't watched it in so long, and then watched a couple of episodes while flying cross country on my ipod rigged up to a reserve battery pack with video that had to be converted using a downloaded jodix converter...APPLE IS SO EASY! Anyway, it's extremely awkward laughing until you cry on an airplane 3 inches from the well dressed business-person next to you. Especially when you're laughing at awkward racial jokes that you're not sure if they heard through your Opposite-of-Noise-Cancelling ipod headphones.

"Once you go black, you go deaf",
Witz



**The one time in Snakes on a Plane that I was perturbed was when the two people were having sex in the bathroom and then got attacked by snakes, prompting the flight attendants to hear moans and assume they were having sex while they were really getting killed. The same type of thing happens in A Vampire In Brooklyn, which is not a good movie for two eleven year olds to watch, even though Eddie Murphy is in it. Parents, do your homework. Anyway, Eddie Murphy is sleeping with a girl and then proceeds to kill her and horribly maul her. Her roommates think they're just having sex. I don't know what it is, whether it is the gap between the two or the shear horror of thinking about a situation where people COULD save someone, but instead assume something completely opposite is going on leading to someone's death, or if it is something else, but for some reason, that scenario really REALLY bothers me and always stays with me afterwards. That's just food for thought and also maybe you should lay down some ground rules with people you know about some words, phrases, or scream pitches that you can use should that situation ever occur to you. For me, I'll scream, "LAUGHING COW CHEESE!!!" because there is never another situation, ever, in this world, when I would want to say laughing cow cheese.